


A Bump in the Road

by storywriter55



Series: Milestones [3]
Category: White Collar (TV 2009)
Genre: Cancer, Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 98,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27649592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storywriter55/pseuds/storywriter55
Summary: Sara and Neal face a life threatening illness which jeopardizes their happy family life. Part of the 'Milestones' series (15 months).
Relationships: Neal Caffrey & Peter Burke, Neal Caffrey/Sara Ellis
Series: Milestones [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/80614
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

'Listen...' Sara murmured as Neal frowned and momentarily pulled his mouth away from the crook of her neck.

He hovered above her, listening intently. 'What?' he whispered back, eyes narrowing.

'Silence!' Sara replied with a wide grin as she pulled him back in.

With a fifteen month old toddler in the house, those quiet, intimate moments were few and far between and Neal wasn't about to waste a minute of their precious alone time. He sniggered and brought his lips back down to his wife's neck.

'Enjoy it while you can' he murmured, his mind - or rather his mouth - returning to its original destination, that delicious sweet spot right behind her ear.

Thanks to the kindness and generosity of Peter and Elizabeth Burke, the young parents were treated to one night a month of precious alone time and no matter how their date night started - whether it was dinner out, going to a show or just catching a movie on the couch - it always ended with their grateful bodies blissfully intertwined between the sheets.

Of course, if you asked the Burkes, their 'generosity' was anything but; they loved having their goddaughter all to themselves for the evening without having to defer to her parents' all too cumbersome rules. Peter, especially, took advantage of every opportunity to thoroughly spoil Hope, the apple of his eye. Without Neal and Sara's meddling, he could let her stay up late, feed her whatever junk food she wanted and watch with delight as she inevitably fell asleep, curled up against a content Satchmo as the two best friends dropped from exhaustion. After all, what happened at Casa Burke stayed at Casa Burke and even at the tender age of fifteen months, the toddler instinctively knew that certain things were sacred and needed to stay between herself and her doting godparents and were certainly not meant to be shared with her mom and dad.

On this particular occasion, the romantic interlude had been extended from a one-nighter to the whole weekend, right up until Sunday at dinnertime - after all, this month marked the Caffreys' first wedding anniversary and Peter and El were hoping the newlyweds would take the opportunity to celebrate in style. Neal and Sara couldn't have been happier for the additional time alone, considering their secret mission and the fact that the little plastic stick Sara had peed on that morning had confirmed what her bloated tummy and tender breasts had already hinted at: she was ovulating. Neal had been bursting at the seams all week, holding back so he could contribute the highest quality 'swimmers' to their joint project: Ellis-Caffrey baby number two.

Neal's hand snaked down Sara's belly, brushing softly past her sensitive breasts, reaching down between her long legs and finding that warm, welcoming wetness, another sure sign that their timing was right on; he smiled naughtily as he heard her coo in his ear, her teeth playfully nibbling on his earlobe.

'Nice' he murmured as Sara moaned softly.

He pulled away momentarily to gaze into her eyes, enjoying the unmistakeable look of arousal he found there.

'You're _so_ beautiful' he whispered longingly, eyes clear and bright as his hand returned to gently cup her face. 'Let's make a baby.'

WCWCWC

Back in Brooklyn, Hope Ellis-Caffrey had _finally_ run out of steam. After spending a good part of the afternoon with her uncle Peter at the park, she'd run around the Burkes' backyard relentlessly chasing after Satchmo until he'd finally given up and fallen at her feet, his breathing labored as the toddler giggled irrepressibly and patted his soft furry head. For dinner, she'd had two heaping helpings of macaroni and cheese and a huge bowl of mint chocolate ice cream before falling into some form of diabetic coma on the Burkes' living room couch, curled up snuggly between her godparents with loyal Satchmo at their feet.

'She sure is something else, isn't she?' Peter asked rhetorically as he ran his hand through her dark curls, a wide grin on his lips.

El glanced down at the child, her eyes returning to Peter's loving gaze. She grew quiet for a moment watching as Peter's face lit up at the sight of their beautiful goddaughter, sound asleep between them.

'Do you ever wish things had turned out differently?' she finally asked, the question burning on her lips.

They hardly ever talked about it anymore but Hope's arrival in their lives had ignited a fresh new wave of doubts, causing Elizabeth to wonder how their lives might have been different if only...

'Honey, it is what it is...' he answered in his no nonsense voice, moving his hand to gently caress her shoulder.

'Maybe we should have... you know, tried harder' she said, her voice trailing.

'You wish we'd tried harder?' Peter asked, sensing his wife's sadness. He watched as she shrugged, resigned yet...

'Oh, honey...' he began, rubbing her back and watching as a few tears welled up in her eyes. 'I know this is hard on you... there's no explanation for why things happen the way they do. Why Sara got pregnant without even trying and you and I...'

'Don't get me wrong, I love her to death' El said, glancing down fondly at the sleeping toddler and running her hand gently down her chubby cheek 'and I love that Neal and Sara asked us to be her godparents. It's just that every once in a while, I still wonder what it would have been like for us...'

Peter gently lifted Hope onto his lap, her tiny body melting seamlessly into his and he moved in closer to El, pulling her tightly up against him.

WCWCWC

Neal let out a guttural groan, eyes tightly shut as his body shuddered, Sara's long, lean legs firmly wrapped around his thrusting hips, keeping time with him in perfect rhythm. She gazed up at his face, so guileless, his hair mussed and drooping in his eyes, obviously lost in the moment and she pulled him in, arms around his arching back as he moaned through the last of his mind blowing orgasm. He melted into her embrace, his arms reaching around to hold her closer, his face cradled in the delicate crook of her neck as he panted, his hips still rocking gently back and forth, unwilling or unable to stop.

'Sara...babe...' he murmured as she ran her hands lovingly through his disheveled hair and brought her lips to his forehead, waiting for him to return to himself. She could feel the tension slowly leave his body and she listened as his breathing slowly began to even off. He held on tight, unwilling to pull out just yet. He'd been perusing the internet for helpful tips on 'getting your wife pregnant' - some fact, some likely fiction - including the benefits of not pulling out too soon following intercourse. After a few moments, he felt himself slowly slip out despite himself and he rolled off his wife, letting himself fall back, exhausted, on the pillow beside her.

'You all right?' he asked after a moment, placing a soft kiss on her forehead, his arms enveloping her.

'Yeah, you?' Sara said dreamily, still breathless from their vigorous workout.

They slowly regained normal breathing, gazing lovingly at each other with a matching set of goofy grins. Sex had always been exciting and fulfilling, the furthest thing from routine and after nearly a year of marriage, _that_ had thankfully not changed - nor could they ever imagine a time when it ever would.

Neal's sentence had officially ended eight months earlier and he had been off-anklet ever since, continuing to work with Peter on cases from time to time but mainly staying home to care for Hope while adding to his now extensive collection of original artwork. Now that he and Sara had moved to the suburbs, there was a lot more to do around the house, including tending to the garden, a passion Neal had no idea he even had before moving to White Plains. He also loved indulging his passion for cooking in their large new kitchen, watching with amusement as their daughter played nearby.

'So...' Neal said, still catching his breath 'Do you think that'll be good enough to get the job done?'

'I don't know but that was...amazing' Sara responded, a lilt in her voice. 'The timing is perfect; fingers crossed' she added with a satisfied smile.

She turned to face him in the bed and Neal instinctively placed a gentle hand on her shoulder to push her onto her back. 'Don't move' he said turning towards her. 'Twenty minutes...' he added earnestly as he placed a kiss on her nose.

Sara laughed out loud, pushing him away playfully. 'Neal, that's just an old wives’ tale.'

'It is not!' he replied, sounding like an argumentative three-year-old, yet trying to sound authoritative. 'I got it off a _very_ reputable website.'

'Oh, yeah?Which one?' Sara responded without missing a beat. ' _Submissive wives.com?_ '

'Sara!' he said, tickling her gently as she giggled.

Her mind wandered to their daughter and she couldn't help but smile. 'Did I tell you what Hope said when I told her she was sleeping over at Peter and Elizabeth's tonight?'

'What?' asked Neal, anticipating another gem – his daughter was brilliant.

'She said _'Mama, play Sach._ '

'She is _so_ smart' said Neal, smiling to himself as if he alone was responsible for her advanced language skills.

'Listen...' he added, his voice suddenly serious as he thought ahead to the next few days 'We're going to need Fran to babysit for us this week, Peter called me in to help out on a case.'

'Oh, yeah? What kind of case?' Sara asked, her curiosity piqued.

'Some pharmaceutical company fraud case, I don't know the details yet but Peter's going to brief the team on Monday' Neal answered, his voice rough.

'Well, I've got an appointment with Dr. Cooper on Monday at four. Is that going to be a problem?' asked Sara, remembering her long-ago booked appointment with her OB-GYN, something she had tried without success to forget.

'No, I can pick up Hope after work. What's the appointment for?' Neal asked, suddenly concerned.

'Oh, nothing important – I'm just overdue for a PAP smear and while I’m there, I thought I'd see if she has any advice to help us get pregnant' said Sara, hoping that, after this weekend, no additional coaching would be required.

Neal turned to face her in the bed, eyebrows raised, eyes sparkling with mischief.

'Why, I gave it all I had, ma'am' he said with an exaggerated Texan twang. 'But if you'll...let me tuck my boots under your bed and tie my horse up to your bedpost, I can give it another go in a little while' he added, playfully nuzzling Sara's neck.

Sara eyes grew in a show of exaggerated appreciation and she threw her head back as she dissolved in a fit of giggles.

'Why, cowboy...' she said in her best southern drawl. 'I _do_ believe that can be arranged.'

WCWCWC

Sleeping late was a very rare occurrence in the Caffrey household and when Sara woke without the benefit of Hope calling out for her, she turned languidly, reaching out for Neal only to find his side of the bed cold and empty. She had barely gotten her bearings when she spotted him standing in the doorway to their bedroom carrying a breakfast tray, a huge smile and nothing else.

He made his way to sit by her on the bed, placing the tray between them and reaching over to kiss her in greeting.‘Good morning Mrs. Caffrey!’

‘Good morning, cowboy!’ she answered with a grin.

‘Thought you could use some coffee to get started’ he said, pouring her a cup.

Her eyes were immediately drawn to the wrapped gift that was tucked in right behind the single red rose on the breakfast tray and she glanced up at Neal, silently asking for permission to reach for it.

He gave her the old eye raise and shoulder shrug combo telling her to go ahead and Sara excitedly reached over and picked up the package as Neal looked on smugly. He’d always been great at picking gifts for her, knowing instinctively how to put a smile on her face and he loved to watch as she discovered what surprise he had in store for her.

She let out a gasp as she took in the Caffrey original.'Neal, I absolutely _love_ it!' she exclaimed.

'See...there's a different painting for each month' he explained as he settled in on the bed next to her, turning the pages of the monthly calendar he'd worked meticulously to prepare over the last few weeks. Each month had a hand painted version of a photograph they'd taken of Hope over the past year which Neal had reproduced in watercolour onto thick stock vintage paper, each page its own unique work of art.

The last page of the calendar was a portrait of the two of them inspired from a photograph taken on their wedding day. Underneath their likeness Neal had inscribed: _For better or for worse. Thank you for saving the best of yourself for me, Repo. All my love, Neal._

'It's incredible!' Sara said in admiration as she lovingly ran her hand over each page.

'Well, the first wedding anniversary is traditionally paper, so...' Neal said by way of explanation, suddenly sounding uncharacteristically modest.

'Thank you honey, it's just beautiful' Sara repeated as she hugged him tightly.

'Happy anniversary, baby' he added quietly as Sara's eyes returned to the treasure in her hands.

'Happy anniversary, Caffrey!' Sara said, echoing his thoughts.

WCWCWC

On Monday morning, Neal strutted into the White Collar offices as if he’d never left - with his usual swagger and the all too typical reaction from the working minions. To his utter delight, heads turned and eyes widened as he made his way through the bullpen towards Peter's office. His appearances were less frequent these days and mostly consisted of social calls to Peter but regardless of the purpose of his visits, he was always greeted enthusiastically by his co-workers. Even on anklet, Neal had been a respected member of the team, now that he was a 'fine upstanding citizen', even more so.

Diana was the first to greet him. 'Caffrey!' she called out from her desk 'I heard a rumour you were joining us on this one.'

'I heard the same rumour' Neal replied, flashing one of his enigmatic smiles. He walked over to her, giving her quick hug.

'Peter tells me things are really looking up for you and Christie.'

She raised her eyes at Neal's comment. 'Peter might look like the strong silent type but he's the most gossipy person in this office' she responded with a laugh. 'Yes, it's true. Christie and I are planning a commitment ceremony and yes, it's true, we've begun to look into artificial insemination.'

'That's fantastic news. You're gonna love being a mom. I'll be glad to give you some parenting tips anytime' said Neal, winking.

They were interrupted by Jones who walked up, giving Neal a friendly pat on the back.

'Caffrey! It's great to see you. How's everything?' he said in greeting.

'Everything's great, Sara's back at work and believe it or not, Hope is turning 15 months in a couple of weeks. You know, as much as I love being home with her, I'm really looking forward to working with you guys on this case.'

Peter appeared, coming down the stairs towards the small group that had congregated in the bullpen.

'Ah, the prodigal son returns' he said, walking up to the assembled group.

'How about we move the party up to the conference room? I'd like to brief you all on the case' he added as everyone started towards the stairs.

The crew got situated around the conference room table and Neal felt an immediate camaraderie he hadn't realized he'd missed. It was nice to be back in the groove using his mind other than to outsmart a toddler doing her best to stay up past her appointed nap time.

'Smirle Pharmaceuticals...' Peter began. 'They were fined several years ago for driving up the price of certain prescription drugs by slowing down production. The FDA has called us in to investigate – they think they're at it again. Four drugs for which they have the exclusive patent have been in short supply over the past few months: Crobaplatin, Grimsar, Zolada and Ibexa. The first three are chemotherapy drugs and the last one is commonly used in advanced cases of Alzheimer's. There haven’t been any shortages reported yet; many of the larger hospitals have stockpiled them in their pharmacies but unless Smirle starts releasing larger quantities, there will be a shortage within a couple of months, even sooner with some of these drugs.'

‘The FDA is sending someone in to brief us later this week. In the meantime, let's look into the history of this pharmaceutical company and see if we can pin down what and who is behind this.' Peter said, standing.

Neal looked around the table at the familiar faces. Yes, it was definitely good to be back.

WCWCWC

Doctor Joanne Cooper's waiting room was quiet at four o’clock on a Monday afternoon. Sara had asked for a late day appointment so she wouldn’t have to interrupt her workday but now she was wishing she was home already. She was tired and hungry and looking forward to a home cooked meal and Neal and Hope’s smiling faces welcoming her home.

She glanced over curiously at the only other patient who sat waiting: a _very_ pregnant young woman whom she hoped wouldn't be giving birth right there in the middle of the room. She gave the woman a small smile and returned to the dog eared People magazine she was holding in her hands, recalling the end of her pregnancy with Hope and how uncomfortable and stressed out _she'd_ been the last few days before she gave birth.

_Why was it_ she wanted to do this all over again? she asked herself not for the first time.

Sara heard her name called and looked up, dolefully anticipating the unpleasant procedure; gynecological exams were never fun but getting poked was all relative after giving birth and suffering the indignities of morning sickness and the many other side effects of pregnancy.She was ushered into an examination room and instructed to change into a gown as she awaited Dr. Cooper's arrival.

'Hi Sara' the doctor said as she breezed in. 'How are you? I can’t believe I haven't seen you since your daughter's birth.'

'Hi’ Sara replied, taking in the smiling face of the woman who’d been privy to her privates for the better part of ten years. ‘Well, I've gone back to work and there never seems to be enough time for things like doctors' appointment' admitted Sara.

'So how is that beautiful girl of yours, Hope is it?' asked Dr. Cooper as she put on a pair of medical gloves.

'You have a good memory' answered Sara. 'She's fine – a little terror at times and an angel at others – a typical toddler, I guess.'

'Time does fly' said Dr. Cooper. ‘All right, let's do this' she said preparing to examine Sara. 'Any issues?'

'Not really. I still feel bloated at times and I've had a little bit of lower back pain. But I guess that's to be expected once you've had a baby. I've been trying to get pregnant again but we haven't had any luck yet’ she added as she looked over at the doctor who was palpating her abdomen.

'We can talk about a few tricks when we're done. Sara do you have any pain, here?' she asked as she pressed down on Sara's left hip area.

'Just some tenderness, I wouldn't call it pain' answered Sara.

Once the unpleasant examination was complete, Sara stepped into Dr. Cooper's office for a debriefing, waiting for her to return. 

'Sara, here's a bit of literature you might find interesting on lovemaking positions to help with getting pregnant. Truth be told, there's not a whole lot of research on the subject but any position that allows for deep penetration like missionary or doggy style is best. And if you are so inclined, you can stay lying down for a half hour after sex to give your husband's little swimmers a better chance but basically, just keep doing what you're doing.’

‘Well, I’ll be! Don’t tell my husband that. He’s been reading everything he can find online' Sara exclaimed with a laugh. ‘Next thing I know, he’ll be wanting me to hang upside down with my legs tethered to the ceiling!’

‘Well, there’s a lot of poor advice on the internet but you’re both healthy young people, just be patient and everything should be fine.’ Dr. Cooper added, seemingly distracted.

'Okay.Well, thanks for the advice' Sara responded as she glanced absentmindedly at the pamphlet in her hands.

'Sara, there is one more thing. I'm feeling a mass on your left ovary. Masses are not uncommon and it's likely nothing to worry about but I’d really like you to have an ultrasound so I can have a better look.’

Sara looked at Joanne Cooper’s relaxed face; this was an unexpected detour but if it could help in their quest to have another baby, it was well worth it, she supposed.

‘There's a lab down in the basement and you don't even need an appointment so I'll give you a requisition and why don't we meet again sometime next week and we can look at the results together' the good doctor continued.

'Sure' said Sara as she stood up to leave. 'I'll go see if they're open right now.'

'I think they're open until 8 tonight. So I'll see you next week, then' said Dr. Cooper as Sara prepared to leave.

Sara grabbed her phone, dialling home as she waited for the elevator.

'Hey Repo’ Neal answered with a smile in his voice.‘Are you on your way home?'

'The doctor is sending me for an ultrasound so I’m just headed down to the lab to see if they can do it right now.Did you pick up Hope, alright?' she asked.

'Yeah... and Missy is helping me make pudding for dessert. Hope, Hope not with your hands, baby' Neal yelled into the phone.

Sara giggled as she imagined the scene back at home. 'I see you've got your hands full so I'll see you when I get home' she said before hanging up.

WCWCWC

By the time Hope was settled in for the night, Neal and Sara were both exhausted from their long day and Neal watched as his tired wife came down the stairs after having put their daughter to bed.

‘Just in time’ he said as he handed her a cup of tea.‘I just got everything cleaned up.’

They both fell onto the couch in the family room, Sara’s feet instantly up in Neal’s lap as she batted her eyelashes at him in the hopes of getting a foot rub.

‘You know, I should never have started with those foot rubs, now you just expect them all the time’ he muttered as she laughed.

‘Well, when I get pregnant again, I expect it to be a nightly ritual’ she said as Neal obliged, rubbing the insoles of her feet as Sara started to moan with pleasure.

He watched her face relax; he loved seeing her in those unguarded moments – so very un-Sara Ellis like.

‘Well, when you get pregnant, I will gladly oblige’ he answered with a warm smile.‘So, how did it go at the doctor’s?’

‘Ah, same old, same old. You guys are so lucky you don’t have to suffer the indignities of gynecological examinations. She did send me for an ultrasound though. She says there’s a mass on my left ovary...’

‘A mass?’ Neal said, sounding alarmed.

‘Honey, relax. She said it was a common thing. She just wants me to have it checked out considering we’re trying to have another baby’ Sara answered, wiggling her toes in a silent request for Neal to return to the wonderful foot rub he’d been administering.

‘So, did she have any advice on getting pregnant?’

‘She said we should try having sex’ Sara mewled playfully as she leaned over to lace her arms around Neal’s neck.

‘Sex? Really? Wow, never thought of that’ he whispered back, suddenly interested.

She shrugged as she pulled him in for a kiss. ‘I suppose it’s worth a try...’

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

'Sach! Sach!' Hope shrieked as she frolicked around the Burke living room, chasing after Satchmo's tail, from all appearances, one of her favourite activities as of late.

'Woah, woah there, sweet pea' Neal said as he intercepted her mid flight, lifting her up over his head and tickling her as she roared with laughter.

'Poppa!' she screamed, unable to hold back the giggles.

'Not his tail, baby, that hurts Satchmo' Neal explained as he set her down on his hip, Hope squirming in the hopes of returning to torturing the poor, helpless dog. 'Anyway, it's time to eat' he added as he carried her over to the waiting guests.

Elizabeth Burke couldn't pass up any occasion to host a dinner party and she'd invited a small group of close friends to share in the celebration of Neal and Sara's first wedding anniversary; the fact that the actual anniversary date was almost a week past didn't faze her in the least.

Neal watched as Peter surreptitiously moved Hope's highchair from where it sat next to Sara over to the other side of the table next to his own chair. He was about as subtle as a train wreck in his efforts to have her next to him at mealtimes. Neal gave his best friend a look of exasperation as he handed his daughter over to her godfather who gladly placed the child in her seat.

'You're not going to get much eating done with her sitting next to you' Neal warned as he took his place between Sara and Diana.

'That's okay, isn't it Hope?' Peter sang, his voice childlike as he strapped her into the highchair, cooing at the grinning child.

Diana and Christie exchanged amused looks; watching Peter Burke morph into a glob of goo at the sight of his goddaughter was most entertaining. Mozzie, on the other hand, had already tucked into the delicious meal Elizabeth had served her guests.

'You've outdone yourself, Mrs. Suit' he said as he took a bite of the lactose free lasagna Elizabeth had prepared just for him.

'I'm glad you like it Moz' she smiled in satisfaction, her hand on his.

Elizabeth glanced over in Hope's direction; she was already making a mess of the meal Peter had placed in front of her. 'What a difference a year makes, huh?'

'Tell me about it!' Sara said, watching in horror as her daughter placed a bite of her lasagna into Peter's mouth – using her hands.

'Hope!' Neal called out as she looked up, surprised at the sound of her dad's voice. 'You need to use your spoon.'

'It's fine!' Peter said as he licked her tiny fingers, Hope's face alight at all the attention she was getting.

'Ohs! Ohs!' the dark haired child cried out as she pointed towards the kitchen.

'You want some Cheerios?' Peter said, pleased as punch that he was part of the exclusive club of adults who could decode Hope's shorthand.

He pushed his chair back, preparing to get up and retrieve what his little princess had asked for. 'Peter! Don't!' Sara said firmly. 'She can eat what's in front of her... like the rest of us.'

'You've got to stop spoiling her like that’ Neal added. ‘You're making us look like the bad guys.’

'I hate to state the obvious, Neal' Peter said smugly, his eyes glued to his goddaughter. '...but you've always _been_ the bad guy.'

'Cute Peter, real cute' Neal added as he shook his head, giving up on making his best friend see sense.

'So, how are things over at White Collar?' asked Mozzie, changing the subject.

'Wouldn't _you_ like to know' Peter answered, eyeing him suspiciously.

Although Mozzie had been of assistance to the Bureau on occasion, Peter still treated him with a healthy dose of skepticism, always unsure as to the bespectacled man's true motivations.

'Just trying to make conversation, Suit' said Mozzie with mock hurt.

'Well, we've just started on a new case' said Neal, between bites. 'It looks like this pharmaceutical company might be holding back on some cancer drugs so they can drive up the price.'

'What kind of scumbag does something like that?' asked Mozzie, incensed.

Mozzie had no trouble working in grey areas when it came to fencing art or running confidence schemes but even _he_ drew the line at crimes that impacted directly on innocent people's lives – especially when it came to children. Truth be told, those grey areas in which Mozzie operated were more of an annoyance than anything else for both Peter and his White Collar team.

'The kind that are trying to make money off of poor, innocent, vulnerable people' Peter answered curtly.

'Don't worry Mozzie' Diana interjected. 'We'll get to the bottom of it.'

Dessert was served – chocolate cheesecake adorned with the cake topping from Neal and Sara's wedding cake: a bride holding a baton arm in arm with a groom in a tracking anklet. Everybody broke out into applause as Elizabeth placed the cake on the table remembering the wedding they'd all attended a year before in June's beautiful home.

A lot had changed since then, not the least of which was apparent when they looked at Hope. Just a year ago, she'd been a three month old infant, sleeping through the wedding dinner, happily curled up in her baby carrier between her happy parents. Since then, she had turned into hell on wheels as she continued to develop into a happy and well adjusted toddler.

Living in suburbia had been another major adjustment for the metropolitan couple who had so loved the stimulating arts and culture scene of Manhattan. If you had told Neal when he was released from prison that this was the life he would be living, he would never have believed it and yet he loved his life, his wife, his daughter, their home.

He glanced around at his extended family - he knew he could count on every single person sitting around the table to have his back and he wondered how he'd ever gotten this lucky. He watched as Peter fed his daughter a bite of cake as she grinned from ear to ear and he shook his head, glancing at Sara who was arguing with Mozzie about something or other, the chatter growing louder.

Organized chaos; he wouldn't want things any other way.

WCWCWC

'Doesn't Mommy look pretty?' Neal asked as Hope teetered on his hip, reaching out for her mom's arms.

'Come here sweetheart' Sara said as she took her from Neal, giving her a kiss and a hug. 'You have a good day with Daddy and I'll see you at dinner.'

Hope whined momentarily as Sara set her down, instantly grabbing on to Neal's pant leg as the couple wished each other a good day.

'Chicken okay for dinner?' Neal asked as he kissed his wife.

'Yeah, sure. Oh, and don't forget to pick up the dry cleaning' she added.

'Got it' Neal answered as he waved her off.

Staying home with Hope definitely had its perks. It meant he could be with his daughter most days, spending countless hours reading to her, taking her to the park, enjoying some of her favourite activities and just plain spending time in her _stimulating_ company.

But there were days when he envied Sara as he watched her leave the house wearing her high end business suits and four inch heels. A part of him missed putting on a suit and tie every day and heading off to the office to talk to grownups and have conversations that didn't revolve around Franklin the turtle or Bert and Ernie.

His reputation as an art connoisseur had made the rounds and he was called in sporadically by insurance companies to weigh in on recovered pieces, something that was both stimulating and lucrative but hadn't materialized into anything permanent – which was just fine with him, at least for the time being.

Most days, he was just thankful for the time to regroup and properly plan for his future. Having a baby hadn't even been on his radar two years earlier but fate had intervened and Neal was thankful that Sara's job could afford them a decent lifestyle – at least until Hope was old enough and he could resume working full-time at... what, he didn't know. After less than a year off anklet, he was still coming to terms with being a free man in every sense of the world. The people he interacted with on a daily basis – the moms and dads at the park, the butcher, the dry cleaner, the neighbours – none of them had any knowledge of his sordid past and that suited him just fine.

'Poppa!' Hope called out as Neal looked down at his beautiful daughter with her arms reaching out for him.

'Hey sweet pea! You want to go sit on your potty?' he asked excitedly.

WCWCWC

Sara Ellis arrived at the medical clinic at the appointed time for her follow-up visit with Dr. Cooper. To be honest, she thought it was a royal pain in the ass to have to come in person. She had a meeting scheduled back at the office at 2:00 and she still had mountains of paperwork to do on her last recovery. Her appointment was scheduled for 11:45 but Dr. Cooper's receptionist had announced to the occupants of the waiting room that the good doctor was running late; she'd been called in to deliver a baby and she was slowly making her way back the clinic.

Sara cooled her heels in the waiting room, taking in the bunch of women in various stages of pregnancy, her mind on work and the upcoming conference she'd be attending in Boston in July. This was definitely the last place she wanted to be and she glanced at her watch impatiently once again, trying hard to play the role of 'patient' patient which she most definitely was _not_. By the time her name was called, it was nearly 1:15 and she was starting to get pissed off.

'Sorry about the wait' said Dr. Cooper as she joined Sara in her office 'A little boy, well not so little – over nine pounds.'

'Oh my!' said Sara thinking back momentarily to Hope's birth.

'Sara, I haven't been able to see what I need to see with this ultra sound. That mass on your left ovary isn't unusual or worrisome per se but...I do want to explore further and make sure it's benign. The best way to do that is to have a pelvic CT scan' she explained, shuffling papers in front of her on her desk.

'You're kidding' Sara said, deadpan. This whole thing was turning into such a nuisance.

'I'm afraid it's a necessary evil especially with you trying to get pregnant. This could be a factor in whether you're successful or not' added Dr. Cooper as she took her glasses off to look at Sara.

'We can get you in this Friday first thing in the morning at White Plains Hospital, near your home. With any luck, you could be in and out of there within an hour' she explained.

'Great!' said Sara, her usual acerbic tone firmly in place. ‘All right' she added reluctantly, shaking her head.

She left the doctor's office, teetering on her stiletto heels as she ran for a cab to get back to the office; there was lots to do back at Sterling Bosch.

WCWCWC

'Well, what does _that_ mean?' Neal asked as they sat across from each other at the kitchen table, Hope nestled in between them, exploring her mashed potatoes with her tiny hands.

'I don't know. It's just... standard procedure, apparently' Sara answered between bites of the delicious chicken Neal had just served her.

'But what did she say, exactly?' Neal pressed. A pelvic CT scan sounded more than just standard procedure to him.

'Neal, really!' Sara answered, cutting him off. 'She said it was nothing to worry about. I shouldn't even have told you...' she continued, a tinge of impatience to her voice.

'Oh, 'cause now we're keeping secrets from each other?' Neal said, irate, not ready to give up on the conversation.

Sara raised her eyebrows and let out an impatient sigh. 'Really Neal? Do you want to go there?' she asked rhetorically, thinking back to the discussion she'd walked in on between Mozzie and Neal just the day before.

'Sara, that's not fair. That's just... me helping Moz out. It's got nothing to do with _us_ ' he lamented.

'Neal, it's fine' she said, bringing a definitive end to the discussion by quickly changing the subject. 'Did you book us a room for the weekend?'

Neal picked up his fork and resumed eating. Sara had decided the subject was closed and he knew better than to keep pushing.

'I did!' he said, turning towards Hope to feed her a bite of broccoli and watching as she immediately spit it back out. ' _We_ are going on a little getaway' he said, capturing her attention with his animated voice. '...and you can play at the theme park and we can do some shopping' he said as he tried again with another bite, this time getting it past her stubborn lips.

Hope looked up at her mom – now _there_ was a word she'd heard before - shopping. She equated it with Sara and the child looked up to see the inevitable smile on her mommy's face at the mention of hitting the stores.

'Lake George, here we come!'

WCWCWC

Now, there was a time when hitting outlet stores and wandering around a children's theme park wouldn't have even registered on Sara Ellis' top one hundred fun things to do but that had all changed. She sat in the waiting room at White Plains Hospital on Friday morning thinking ahead to the wonderful weekend they had planned. They were calling for perfect weather and Neal had suggested they go away for a couple of nights just to get out of the big city and give Hope a chance to explore something new and exciting.

Somehow, imagining Hope shrieking with glee as she sat on a carrousel with Neal by her side had replaced eating out at five star restaurants and visiting high end boutiques on Fifth Avenue as one of Sara's favourite things. She smiled at the thought. It was unclear when the change had taken place but the metamorphosis was now complete and watching their daughter have a good time had now become a favourite activity for both her and Neal.

By nine thirty, she was back at her desk at Sterling Bosh, a cup of coffee in hand and the painless CT scan all but forgotten. She glanced out her office window at the beautiful early summer day – sunny and warm without any of the humidity that plagued New York in late July and August. Work had been her only passion for so many years, occupying every single moment of every single day but now, her mind wandered to Neal and Hope and the time they would be spending together away from the city. Sara was no longer the single-minded, driven career woman she’d once been. She was still dedicated to her job and she remained an invaluable asset to Sterling Bosch but her life was about more than work and after years of putting in 14 hour days, she looked forward to making it home to one of Neal's home cooked meals every night.

By 4:30, she'd changed out of her work clothes and she was standing on the sidewalk right in front of the Sterling Bosch offices when she spotted Neal drive up in their suburban SUV.

'Hey!' she called out as she opened the car door. 'Right on time.'

The three hour drive stretched out to over four and a half hours as they fought the traffic out of Manhattan but Hope sat in her car seat, patiently watching the world go by between cat naps and munching on healthy snacks Neal had packed in the cooler by Sara's feet.

'So, how did it go at the hospital this morning?' Neal asked as they finally hit the interstate.

'Fine. Took about ten minutes and I was out of there' Sara responded, hoping this would be the last conversation they'd have on the topic. Truth be told, she didn't have time to waste on doctors' appointments and medical tests; she was too busy living her terrific life.

'Are they going to call you with the results?' Neal asked, looking over his shoulder to make a lane change.

'I suppose...' Sara answered as Hope cried out from the back seat.

'More!' she said, wanting another cube of cheddar cheese Sara was handing over to her, one by one.

'More... _please_ ' Sara corrected as she turned to face her daughter.

Hope giggled and made some attempt at the word 'please' which sounded an awful lot like 'cheese' and Neal and Sara exchanged amused glances as they continued down the open road.

WCWCWC

By Monday morning, their wonderful weekend escape was a mere memory as Sara found herself once again back at her desk, preparing for her weekly staff meeting. The getaway had done them all a world of good. Hope had enjoyed discovering the kiddie rides at the theme park and Sara and Neal had had a blast chomping down on forbidden junk food as they'd strolled around the amusement park with Hope sound asleep in her stroller. She smiled as she thought back to the three of them in the hotel's king size bed, Hope snuggled between them as they'd watched her sleep the sleep of the innocents, Neal gazing longingly at his wife, resigned to the fact that he would not be putting any moves on her until they got back home.

Life didn't get much better than this, she thought as she gathered up her papers for her meeting.

The phone rang just as she was about to step out and she hesitated for a brief instant before picking up to answer the call from a number she didn't recognize.

'Hi, Ms Ellis' said the woman on the other end. 'It's Dr. Cooper's office. Dr. Cooper was wondering if you could come by later today. She's gotten the results of your latest test. She could see you at 5:00.'

'At 5:00?' Sara whined. She had lots to do and making an unscheduled trip to the doctor's office had not been on the agenda. 'What about later this week?' she asked, bringing up her weekly schedule on her computer screen.

'Dr. Cooper would really like it to be today' insisted the receptionist.

'Fine. I'll be there' Sara answered with an audible sigh.

She hung up the phone, staring at it for a few seconds; this couldn't be good and yet...

'Sara...' her assistant said, poking her head in her office. 'They're waiting for you in the conference room.'

Grabbing her things, Sara shook off her uneasiness and headed out to meet her team.

WCWCWC

Neal watched as Hope sat in the sandbox, giggling alongside a cute little blond girl who looked to be about her age. He'd noticed the child on a couple of occasions when they'd visited their neighbourhood park.

'Is that your daughter?' he asked the slim woman who sat next to him on the park bench.

'Yes' said the woman, smiling fondly at the two toddlers. 'I think our girls have really hit it off.'

Neal glanced at the happy toddlers as they filled their pails with sand and patted them down with their shovels.

'I'm Neal... Neal Caffrey' he said, putting out his hand. 'We live over on Meadowbrook.'

'Donna Mason' the woman said with a smile. 'So do we. We're at 4802.'

'Really?' Neal said. 'We're just a few doors down at 4788.'

'Oh, the old Morrison place' Donna said knowingly. 'You've got a lovely garden in the back yard.'

'I'm discovering that...' Neal admitted. 'My wife and I are both big city people but we're enjoying having a backyard for our daughter to play in.'

'I hear you' said the woman. 'Jeff and I - that's my husband - we lived in downtown Denver before he was transferred here for his job two years ago. But, it grows on you...'

Neal smiled at the woman, instantly liking her easygoing nature.

'I think I might have seen your wife around at the grocery store’ she continued.‘Tall, redhead... really pretty?'

'That would be Sara' Neal said with pride. Being married to a beautiful woman never hurt a vain guy like Neal Caffrey.

His phone vibrated in his shirt pocket and he took it out, glancing at Sara's face and showing it to Donna. 'Speak of the devil' he said as he read her text.

'Be home a little later. Dr. Cooper wants to see me at five' she wrote.

Neal frowned as he read; this wasn't sitting well with him and he typed in his response. 'I can meet you there.'

'I’m good' she answered curtly not leaving him much leeway to contradict her.

He let out a sigh, unsure what to do. Sara was stubborn and she wouldn't react well to him just showing uninvited and yet...

'Love you' he wrote back.

She responded with a smiley face emoticon putting an end to the exchange as Neal turned his attention back to Donna Mason.

'So, what's your daughter's name?' he asked, shaking off his uneasiness at the exchange of texts they’d just had.

'Olivia, you?'

'Hope' Neal responded as the girls giggled. 'I think this could be the beginning of a great friendship.'

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

Neal opened the fridge door and started foraging for the fixings needed to prepare the quiche he was planning to serve for dinner. He glanced over at Hope, settled in her highchair, busily drawing with chunky crayons as she sang softly to herself.He stopped for a moment, enjoying the scene as she chattered unintelligibly, her mind totally focussed on the task at hand, her tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth, an indication she was fully concentrated. Some days, he could just sit and watch her for hours. 

His mind returned to Sara’s earlier text – he’d been uneasy ever since he’d gotten it and he glanced at the clock noting it was a few minutes to five o’clock. No doubt she’d be sitting in Dr. Cooper’s outer office, waiting to be seen right about now.

For a fleeting moment, he regretted not calling Mozzie to come over and stay with Hope while he headed out to Manhattan. No one should be alone when they were getting medical test results.Sara’s insistence that she was fine on her own had been unwavering and showing up uninvited didn’t seem like the solution either. It would only anger or upset his headstrong wife – that much he knew. Such was life with Sara Ellis, the woman who drove him crazy in so many ways. He loved her strength and independent spirit, her ability to take care of herself and yet at times, he was intrigued by her vulnerability and captivated by her feminine wiles, the way she pulled him in with just a look or a smile. He was putty in her hands when she looked at him _that_ way and he loved the fact that she brought out the best in him, the part of him that he had kept hidden away for so long.

‘Poppa! Poppa! Look!’ Hope called out, holding out her latest work of art.

‘Wow! You worked hard on that!’ Neal said as he took it from her hand. ‘Should we put it up on the fridge and give it to Mommy when she gets home?’ he asked as she nodded enthusiastically.

‘Come here, baby’ he said as he lifted her out of her highchair and held her against him, her tiny arms wrapped snuggly around his neck as he hugged her tight. After a moment, she pulled away and looked into his eyes.

‘Poppa sad?’ she asked as she tapped his cheek lightly.

‘No, sweet pea’ he said, tickling her round belly and watching with delight as she dissolved into giggles. ‘Daddy’s _not_ sad. You want to help me make dinner?’

WCWCWC

It was 5:00 on the nose when Dr. Cooper stepped into the quiet waiting room and invited Sara into her inner office. The clinic was closed, the receptionist gone for the day and Sara couldn’t help but feel a sense of foreboding as she felt her stomach flip-flop. This was textbook stuff:being called in to the doctor’s office urgently, after office hours and yet, she’d been stubborn and obstinate and had steadfastly refused Neal’s offer to come and meet her. For a brief moment, she regretted her decision as she stood to follow the doctor out of the waiting room.

‘Come on back’ Dr. Cooper said as she led the way into the inner sanctum where her office was located.

Sara took place across from the woman she’d known and respected for over ten years, the woman who’d helped her come to terms with her first pregnancy, who’d listened patiently to Sara’s insecurities, who’d given her sound advice and a shoulder to cry on. Sara smiled wanly and crossed her legs, placing her hands on her lap as she waited for what she feared would be bad news.

‘Sara…’ Dr. Cooper began, as always a straight shooter. ‘The CT scan we ran is showing some irregularities in that growth on your left ovary. The shape and size is indicative of unhealthy cell growth.’

Sara held her breath as she waited for the word she was dreading, the word she hoped wouldn’t pass Dr. Cooper’s lips. As long as she didn’t say it... this wouldn’t be real.

‘The next step is to have you looked at by a specialist. I’d like to suggest someone I have a great deal of respect for, Dr. Gerard Franklin’ added Dr. Cooper.

‘What kind of specialist is he?’ asked Sara, fearing the answer.

‘He’s a gynecological oncologist’ answered Dr. Cooper without hesitation.

‘An oncologist…’ Sara repeated softly. ‘So, it’s cancer, for sure?’

‘I can’t diagnose that, Sara. I can only tell you that this mass is suspicious as far as its shape and make up and we have to act quickly to find out if it _is_ cancerous. But until we do a biopsy or actual surgery, we won’t be able to give you a definitive diagnosis. I’m sufficiently concerned though and I think expediency is of the utmost importance.’

She stopped for a moment and watched as the news sunk in. She, herself, hadn’t expected this outcome. Sara was young and healthy and she’d given birth recently which didn’t put her in a high risk category but cancer didn’t discriminate as Joanne Cooper knew all too well and she swallowed hard as she saw Sara’s crestfallen face.

‘Sara, I trust Dr. Franklin and I know he’ll be able to recommend the best course of action for your situation. This is really beyond my scope of expertise but I _will_ be getting all your test results as well as his reports so I will remain involved. I’m so sorry to have to give you this news, Sara.’

Sara just stared at the doctor blankly and for a moment, Joanne Cooper wondered if she’d understood everything she’d just told her.

‘Sara, are you okay?Would you like me to call Neal so he can come and get you?’ the kind doctor asked.

‘No, no, I’m fine’ Sara said, obviously on automatic pilot. Truth was, she was anything _but_ fine. 

‘I thought about suggesting you bring him along but I know you have your hands full with Hope...Perhaps it was wrong of me.’

‘No, I’m fine Dr. Cooper, really. When will I see this specialist?’

‘We’ve booked you an appointment for Thursday afternoon over at Sloan-Kettering’ Dr. Cooper answered.

Sara’s eyes widened in surprise.‘So soon?’

‘It’s important to act quickly and get this situation dealt with.’

‘Sure, I understand’ Sara said quietly although, truth be told, she didn’t understand any of it.

‘Laurie at the desk will call you tomorrow and give you all the information regarding the time and place. I recommend you bring someone along with you, preferably Neal. You’ll have a lot of questions and it’s always good to have someone there to take notes and help you get the information you need.’

Sara’s phone buzzed indicating a call. She glanced down at the screen, seeing Neal’s face and in that moment, she almost lost it. She somehow found the fortitude to take a deep breath and let the call go directly to voicemail. There was no way she would be able to keep her wits about her when she heard his loving voice on the other end on the line. Her eyes returned to Dr. Cooper, noticing she was waiting for some kind of response from her.

‘Yes, fine, Thursday afternoon’ she repeated, slightly dazed.

‘Are you sure you’ll be all right to make your way home on your own?’ Dr. Cooper asked, concerned.

Sara’s face was as white as a sheet, her eyes vacant, her hands beginning to shake but somehow she managed to sell it, pasting on a smile as she looked up at Dr. Cooper.

‘Yes, yes of course, I’ll be fine. Thank you Dr. Cooper’ she said standing, her legs slightly unsteady.Without a wayward look back, Sara Ellis stepped out of the doctor’s office and into a world which would never again be the same.

WCWCWC

Sara sat on the train, not remembering how she’d gotten there, her mind in overdrive as she replayed the conversation she’d just had in Dr. Cooper’s office – at least the parts of the conversation that she _could_ recall. The train was full but quiet; it usually was on weekdays as people read or napped as they headed back to their bedroom communities after a long day at work. She looked around, wondering if anyone could hear her thoughts, could they not hear her voice screaming in her head?

Of course, the possibility this tumour might be cancerous had crossed her mind, albeit just for a brief instant as she’d jumped through the hoops of one test after another. But this... this only happened to other people and certainly not to healthy young women who had their whole lives ahead of them. She was still a newlywed for heavens’ sake not some middle-aged woman who had the best years of her life behind her.

Neal... she thought of her husband, going through the motions of making dinner at home as he did every night, unaware that their lives were about to be irrevocably altered by the news she was about to share. And Hope... she was just a baby. She needed her mom.

She had cancer. 

CANCER!

Granted, it wasn’t the death sentence it used to be but ovarian cancer... she remembered reading once that it was one of the worse ones to get – didn’t they call it the silent killer because it crept up without symptoms? 

How was she going to break this to Neal, sweet, gentle Neal? Maybe she could find a way to keep this from him, at least until she met with the specialist. Who was she kidding? Neal picked up on every vibe, on her slightest change in mood – he could instantly tell when she’d had a rough day at work. She never could keep anything from him. 

‘Have a good night’ said a man she recognized from her neighbourhood as he prepared to step off the train. She looked up, surprised that they were already at the White Plains station and she stood to follow him, back to her loving family.

WCWCWC

‘I’m home!’ Sara called out as she stepped into their little bubble of intimacy.

The familiar sounds of Neal and Hope prancing around the kitchen greeted her as she dropped her briefcase by the front door and kicked off her stiletto heels.

The short drive from the park and ride had been spent getting focussed enough so she didn’t fall apart the moment her eyes met Neal’s. She needed to keep it together at least until they put Hope to bed. The last thing their daughter needed was to watch her mommy come totally undone in front of her eyes.

‘We’re in the kitchen!’ Neal called out unnecessarily as she heard chatter and the clanging of dishes and pots and pans.

She could hear Hope in the distance, calling out to her ‘Mama! Mama!’ and Neal answering in his usual dulcet tone: ‘Yes, Mommy’s home’ as Hope clapped her hands in glee. 

Despite herself, Sara smiled at the familiar and comforting sounds. ‘Hey, you two’ she said as she made her way tentatively to the kitchen. 

She tried to avoid Neal’s gaze but she noticed his eyes searching hers as he sat across from Hope, feeding her some applesauce which, from all appearances, seemed to smeared all over her face and her highchair.

‘Mama, Mama!’ Hope repeated as her arms went up to be picked up.

‘Hi sweetie’ said Sara as she walked over to kiss her daughter on the forehead, successfully manoeuvring to avoid getting applesauce on her expensive Donna Karan silk blouse.

She could feel Neal’s eyes boring into her, no doubt trying to get a sense of how things had gone at the doctor’s office. She turned to him and smiled, a small, empty smile – something that wasn’t lost on him.

‘Hey you!’ she said as she kissed him briefly on the lips, immediately turning to head back to the staircase at the front of the house.

‘So, how did it go?’ he asked as he held her arm in an attempt to get a good look into her eyes. 

‘All right’ she lied easily. ‘I’ll fill you in after dinner. I’m going to go get changed. What are we having… it smells great’ she said, not giving him a chance to study her eyes as she stealthily moved away.

‘Quiche’ Neal called out absent-mindedly as he returned to Hope who had managed to reach out and grab his nose, which was now covered in applesauce. 

‘Baby girl, what are you doing?’ Sara heard him say as she walked away.‘The applesauce goes in your mouth!’

Sara heard Hope giggling in response as she began the climb up to their bedroom, barely keeping her wits about her. Seeing the two of them behaving so normally, the familiar warmth and laughter between them; it was simply too much to bear. She was about to shatter their blissful existence with this horrible news and she wanted more than anything to let them hang on to the normalcy of their lives for a little bit longer.

The minute she stepped into their bedroom, it was as if the world came crashing down and she finally gave in to the sobs that she’d somehow managed to stifle. She hadn’t shed a tear since her conversation with Dr. Cooper and now that she was safe within the confines of her bedroom, she could no longer hold back the emotions bubbling just under the surface. She buried her face in a pillow and screamed, muffling the sounds of despair which escaped her constricted throat. She lay there for a few minutes, slowly coming to and realized she needed to collect herself. Off in the distance, she could hear the wonderful sounds of chatter coming from downstairs and she finally sat up, methodically taking off her clothes and grabbing for a pair of jeans and an old sweat shirt of Neal’s.

She felt the warm, cozy shirt envelop her, the comforting scent of her husband overpowering her senses and she put her arms around herself, feeling the reassurance of her husband’s presence. She’d done a good job of ruining her mascara and she stared at herself in the mirror, electing to remove her makeup before returning downstairs for dinner. She knew that would be a dead giveaway; Neal would know something was up the moment he laid eyes on her but, still, it was better than having streaks of mascara running down her face. She washed up as best she could and ran down the stairs as cheerfully as she could manage, the wonderful aroma of dinner wafting in the air.

‘It smells great!’ she said with her best put-on smile.

She watched as Neal pulled the quiche out of the oven, setting it down on the table as Hope cooed. He glanced over at Sara’s freshly washed face, instantly knowing something was up but to his credit, all he said was ‘Just in time, dinner’s ready’ as he prepared to cut into the quiche and serve Hope a piece. 

They ate mostly in silence, talking with Hope, coaxing her to try the asparagus in the quiche which she would have none of, dumping it unceremoniously on the floor as she began to whine insistently, a sure sign, it was almost time for bed. 

At one point, Neal just put his hand over hers but Sara pulled away, worried that any physical contact might provoke another emotional outburst. Neal just bided his time – it was already seven o’clock and Hope would soon be in bed, giving them plenty of time to talk. They cleaned up together as Neal told his wife about their visit to the park and Hope’s new word – cookie.

‘Say goodnight to Mommy’ Neal said as he lifted her out of her highchair, her whining intensifying.

Sara gave her daughter a dutiful smile and hug and watched as Neal carried her upstairs to give her a bath while she tidied up the kitchen. She finished the task and sat at the kitchen table, turning on her laptop. She usually spent about an hour on weeknights, catching up on emails and checking her schedule for the next day but this time, she fired up a search engine and typed in the ominous words ‘ovarian cancer’. Her eyes widened as she began to read page after page, so engrossed she didn’t hear Neal come up behind her, having put Hope to bed.

‘No! No! No!’ she heard him murmur and she turned to see his horrified face as he stared down at the computer screen, seeing what was right in front of his eyes – as plain as day.

‘No! Not that...’ he said, a look of sheer shock on his face as he began to compute the information.

Sara’s eyes instantly filled with tears and she stood to face him, holding on to both his arms as he faltered. Her hands slowly moved up to his face, insistently drawing his gaze away from the computer screen and back to her tear-filled eyes.

‘Neal…’ she said, her voice trembling.

He reached out and pulled her to him as if the pain in her eyes was just too much for him to bear. 

‘No, no, no, no’ he kept repeating as he tightened his grip on her, feeling her start to melt in his arms as her silent tears turned into moans, her body convulsing with the severity of the sobs she could no longer hold back. He held her trembling body against his for what seemed like ages, unable or unwilling to let go; perhaps if he held her long enough and tightly enough this would all go away.

After a while, Sara pulled out of his grasp, her eyes moving to meet his, a look of terror and anguish on his face, the likes of which she’d never seen. He let himself fall on the nearby kitchen chair, pulling her down to sit next to him as he swallowed hard, catching his breath.

‘What exactly did she say?’ he finally asked, taking her hand in his. 

‘Ovarian cancer… She’s sending me to an oncologist this week to talk about the next steps, treatment… whatever, I can’t remember everything she said…’

‘Okay…’ he began, his voice tentative. ‘Honey, we can do this. It could be early stages, right? We don’t know. You’ve been reading about it?’ he asked as he turned the screen towards him ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea, babe. No two cases are the same and you don’t want to get ideas in your head before you know for sure.’

‘I know… but I can’t help wanting to understand it… how it works, treatment options. Neal, we have to be ready to tackle this and we need to decide what we’re prepared to do— ’

Neal cut her off. ‘What we’re prepared to do? What do you mean, what we’re _prepared_ to do? We’ll do anything it takes…'

‘Some of the treatment options have really severe side effects, surgery, chemo, radiation…’

Neal just stared back, dumbstruck by the words she’d just uttered, so foreign to their everyday life. His beautiful wife, so full of life and so full of energy was being attacked by a senseless life threatening disease. His mind started reeling… Should he stop working altogether so he could be there for her? What about her, should she stop working? Appointments, specialists, treatments... Who would care for Hope when he needed to be with her? How would Sara cope? Would she be in any pain? What was the prognosis? What were the odds with this type of cancer? What kind of treatment would she need? And what would the side-effects be?

He forced himself to slow his overstimulated mind and instead, focussed his eyes on Sara’s beautiful face. She’d be counting on him to keep things together and he needed to rise to the occasion.

‘Babe, we’ll get through this. Together. I promise you. I’m here and you can count on me for anything… anything okay?’

Sara looked up at her husband, her sweet, loving husband who had so much empathy he physically hurt whenever someone he loved was in any kind of pain. She hated to think about what this would do to him. To them.

‘You’re right’ she said, putting on a brave face. ‘One thing at a time. Let’s see what the specialist has to say.’

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

By the time Neal and Sara made it to bed, it was well past midnight. They’d managed to temporarily set aside their emotions and they’d gotten busy doing research for Sara’s upcoming appointment at Sloan Kettering. They’d read page after page of information on the insidious disease, preparing a list of questions for the doctor, intent on being prepared to make the best possible decisions for Sara’s health.

Once in bed, they lay in silence, holding one another, seeking comfort in each other's arms although only a clean bill of health could possibly provide the kind of peace of mind they both yearned for. Neal waited for Sara to drift off to sleep first and he lay there for what seemed like hours, letting his imagination run amuck, trying to focus on the best possible outcome yet fearing the worst. He waited, the little hamster running around in his brain until sleep finally claimed him in the very early hours of the morning. A couple of times, he woke to find Sara talking in her sleep, a sure sign her peaceful slumber was being invaded by dark thoughts and he'd turned to spoon her, whispering comforting, loving things in her ear.

Despite the events of the previous night, Sara headed out to work on Tuesday morning as if nothing had happened, intent on keeping her wits about her – so very Sara yet so very disconcerting for Neal.The moment she left the house, he picked up the phone and put a call into Peter’s office to see about meeting up for lunch. He suggested a diner they both liked near the Federal Building and after dropping Hope off at the sitter’s, he drove himself out to Manhattan to meet with his best friend.There were things he could not say to Sara, fears he could only express to someone else, someone he trusted more than anyone else.

‘Hey’ Peter said, taking a seat across from Neal and noting his serious demeanour. ‘What’s up?Look, I know you’re getting anxious to get started on the case but I told you I’d let you know when the FDA comes in to meet with us...’

‘Peter’ Neal interrupted. ‘This isn’t about the case... I...’ he stopped, unable to say the words out loud.

Peter picked up on the look of anguish on Neal’s face and he leaned in. ‘What? What is it? Has something happened to Hope?’

‘No, no. Hope’s fine, she’s at the sitter’s’ Neal said, avoiding the touchy subject he’d felt so compelled to talk to Peter about. Now that he was here, across from his best friend, he didn’t know if he could talk about it without totally falling apart.

‘Then what is it? You look like hell’ Peter joked, stating the obvious. 

Back in the day, Neal had mastered the ability to project any emotion he chose; that was part of the conman's life – to be in control of what you projected at all times. But Peter could read him like a book and one of the consequences of having genuine relationships with those he cared about was that he was a lot more transparent than he used to be.

He stared ahead, swallowing hard. Talking about the events of the night before would only make everything more real and he briefly wondered why he’d reached out to Peter in the first place.

'Neal, it's me… what's going on?' Peter said, concerned about what had his ex-CI looking so distraught.

'It's Sara...' Neal finally said, his voice practically a whisper.

'Sara? What _about_ Sara?' Peter asked as a few dozen scenarios ran through his mind in rapid succession. Was their marriage in trouble?Had she lost her job?Had they had some kind of argument? 

Neal looked up at his partner with glistening eyes and he took a deep breath in order to steady himself before speaking. 'She's got cancer' he finally said, his voice even.

'What?' Peter said ineffectually. Although he’d heard the words, they made absolutely no sense.

'Cancer’ Neal repeated. ‘ _Ovarian_ cancer.'

Peter put his face in his hands as he absorbed what he'd just heard and after a moment he recovered and turned his attention back to Neal who was sitting there across from him, motionless.

'I don't know what to say buddy - I'm so sorry' he finally said, knowing that just didn't cut it.

'The doctor found a mass on one of her ovaries and... we’re meeting with the oncologist on Thursday’Neal added, staring into space.

'Does she need surgery?’ Peter asked. He was certainly not very knowledgeable about ovarian cancer but there had to be treatments, solutions. 

‘We don’t know yet. We’ve been researching it online. Probably surgery, maybe other treatments...’ Neal continued, his voice barely audible in the noisy restaurant.

'Treatments?' asked Peter, still trying to put the pieces together.

'You know, radiation, chemotherapy… we don't know yet' Neal's voice was so quiet that Peter had to strain to hear him.

‘How can we help?' asked Peter as the enormity of what Neal had just told him hit fully.

'We'll probably need some help with Hope' said Neal, his voice faltering. 'I'm going to want to be with Sara when....’

All of a sudden, Neal’s resolve melted and he began to weep like a child, bringing his head down to his chin as he covered his face. He’d purposefully chosen a restaurant as a meeting place, on the mistaken assumption that it would be easier for him to keep his emotions in check in a public place. More than anything, he wanted to stay strong but suddenly, all the worry and concern he hadn't wanted to express in front of Sara came to a head as he fell apart, Peter’s hand reaching out to touch him. 

‘Peter...’ he said, sobbing. ‘I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to her.’

‘Neal, cancer is... well it’s not what it used to be. They’re finding new treatments all the time and we keep hearing about how survival rates keep going up. You can’t let yourself think the worst.’

Peter felt totally useless and hopeless. He was used to taking care of things, finding solutions to problems, making things better. But this was something he had no control over, something he couldn't fix and his heart broke at the sight of his best friend totally shattered, unable to cope with what was happening.

‘You’re right’ Neal said, nodding and looking up as he wiped his eyes. ‘Sorry’ he added as he began to regain his composure.

'There’s nothing to be sorry about’ Peter said, his voice gentle. ‘You wouldn't be normal if you didn't react like this. She’s your wife…'

'Don’t worry about Hope’ he added. ‘We’ll take her anytime, you know that. We love having her with us and we'll do anything we can to help you and Sara.'

Peter sounded so solid and reassuring, something Neal was very grateful for. He nodded in thanks, swallowing hard to avoid any further outbursts.

'How's Sara taking it?' Peter continued. El would be grilling him once she heard the news.

'I think she’s still coming to terms with it but she got up this morning and went to work as if none of this even happened’ Neal said with a sardonic laugh. ‘She's so strong, Peter... and I want to be strong for her. But I'm going to need your help to keep it together – the last thing she needs is a blubbering husband…'

‘Anything buddy, you know that’ Peter said, fighting tears.

WCWCWC

Peter put his hand over Elizabeth’s, by the same token keeping her from reaching for the phone.

‘El, I really don’t think you should call her’ he said, his voice quiet.

‘Honey, what are you talking about? You just told me my best friend has cancer and now you’re telling me not to reach out to her?’ Elizabeth replied, her voice shrill.

Peter scoffed; of course, none of it made any sense but this was Sara Ellis they were talking about and one had to tread lightly when dealing with the headstrong woman.

‘You know how Sara is. Neal says she’s still wrapping her mid around it’ Peter explained to his wife’s obvious disappointment.

‘I can’t not _do_ anything’ she said as tears filled her eyes. ‘I need her to know I’m here for her.’

‘Honey, it’s not about what you need, it’s about what Sara needs… and I got the distinct impression from talking to Neal that she’s not ready to talk about it…. at least not yet.’

Elizabeth let herself fall onto the dining room chair; her legs weren’t holding her up and she was having trouble breathing.

‘Tell me everything Neal said… everything’ she said.

Peter sat by her side, taking a deep breath. ‘Honey, it’s only just happened and they’re not even seeing the specialist until Thursday.’

Elizabeth just sat there, motionless, waiting for more.

‘It’s ovarian cancer and Neal thinks she’ll at least need surgery and maybe some chemotherapy or radiation therapy. They’ll know more after they’ve seen the doctor’ he explained, taking her hand.

El looked up at him sadly.

‘Maybe after her appointment on Thursday, you can invite her to lunch or something and see what she says’ he suggested, trying to be the voice of reason.

Elizabeth stared ahead and shrugged.

WCWCWC

There it was again. What _was_ that sound?

Neal cracked open an eye and glanced at the clock on the nightstand: 3:47. He slid his bum back a couple of inches in search of Sara's comforting warmth in the middle of the bed but the sheets were cool where she should have been and he turned over to see what was going on.

That's when he heard it again, a soft, choked whimper and he wondered if Hope might be having a bad dream. Rolling out of bed, he stepped out into the hallway, glancing into Hope's bedroom only to find her sound asleep in her crib, her thumb firmly buried in her mouth. He closed the door to her room, and turned towards the bathroom, spotting the telltale sliver of light peeking out from under the door and he stopped, knocking gently.

'Sara?' he whispered.

'I'll be right out' she muttered in response although her voice was unmistakably quivering.

'Honey, what's going on? Are you sick?' Neal asked, his tone more insistent.

'It's nothing Neal, go back to bed' she lied, her tone impatient.

'I'm _not_ going back to bed until you open the door' he warned, standing there in nothing but his sleep pants.

Since her meeting with Dr. Cooper, Sara had been unusually quiet and she'd avoided talking about the impending appointment; after all, nothing could be gained from speculating about what the specialist might have to say. She'd carried on, much as usual, going to work every day and caring for Hope in the evenings, trying to keep things light despite the elephant in the room. But Neal knew better; she was terrified and although she tried to conceal it, her long silences and vacant looks were a dead giveaway.Neal had been teetering on that fine line – staying positive and supportive without being insensitive to what she was feeling. 

Smothering her wasn’t the way to go but it was early morning Thursday, the appointment at the cancer clinic mere hours away and he wasn't about to leave his wife locked in the bathroom to return to their warm, comfortable bed. He waited a moment longer before speaking.

'I mean it Sara. Open the door' he insisted.

He heard the muffled sounds of Sara blowing her nose followed by water running and finally, the door opened a crack as she strategically turned out the light, making it impossible for him to get a good look at her face. They stood in the darkness for a few seconds until Neal reached in and turned on the bathroom light, determined to see for himself, knowing that her face couldn't lie.

As suspected, her cheeks were blotchy, her eyes puffy and red, her hair disheveled; she must have been having a hell of a pity party in there and to his dismay, she hadn't bothered to invite him along.

It didn't take more than a few seconds for her to fold under his scrutiny and her lower lip began to tremble, the usual precursor to her falling apart.

'Come here' Neal said, his voice rough with sleep.

His arms opened and she fell instantly in his embrace, her head tucked in against his chest, his chin settling on top of her head. Neal was always amused at how tiny she was without the benefit of her 4 inch heels, fitting perfectly under his chin, tucked into his welcoming arms. She let out a soft moan and glanced over in the direction of Hope's room, afraid to wake the sleeping toddler.

'Come on' Neal urged as he led the way back to their bedroom.

Sara let herself fall on the edge of the bed and suddenly the flood of tears she'd been trying so valiantly to hold back for Neal's benefit exploded and she began to blubber.

'I don't want to die!' she said, anguished, voicing the unspeakable fear both she and Neal had been trying so hard to keep at bay.

'Oh, baby...' Neal said, pulling her in against him on the bed. 'You _can't_ think like that.'

'I've been trying so hard... not to... but...I'm scared' she admitted, sobbing as they settled in the bed.

'I know, I know... I've got you, sweetie' Neal murmured, falling short of admitting how terrified he was himself. 'I've got you.'

Falling apart was not an option, Neal decided as he lovingly cradled his wife and willed his pounding heart to stop racing.

WCWCWC

When the alarm went off at 6:30, Neal was greeted by the sight of Sara buzzing around their bedroom and he wondered if he had dreamed the whole incident. She sat at the small makeup table in the corner of their room, applying lipstick, having already had a shower and dressed for work. He eyed her suspiciously but from her demeanour, it was obvious to him that she had no interest in rehashing what had happened during the night. She was back to her old self-sufficient self and all Neal could do was watch in dismay as she concealed her emotions and pulled back into her shell.

'You're not going into work this morning, are you?' he asked, getting his bearings.

'Yeah' she answered as if it was the most natural thing in the world. 'My appointment isn't until 2:00’ she responded in her usual no nonsense way.

'But honey, you barely slept a wink last night' he answered, standing to join her and putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.

'I’m fine, Neal. Stop fussing' she responded without looking into his eyes.

‘So, are you going to meet me there?’ she asked, changing the subject.

‘I can swing by your office and pick you up’ Neal offered, rubbing her shoulders and feeling the tension there. 

‘That’s a nuisance. I’ll just cab it over and meet you there’ she said curtly, giving him a dismissive smile.

WCWCWC

Neal arrived at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center before Sara did and he settled in the waiting room, waiting for her arrive. He was astounded at the size of the place; there were dozens of patients seated around him in various stages of treatment. Some looked sickly, pale and underweight, others had hats on or turbans — no doubt concealing their hair loss, still others looked perfectly healthy, perhaps in recovery or like Sara, at the beginning of this horrible adventure. 

He spotted her as she arrived, looking so self-sufficient and in control. She walked with her usual confidence, the sound of her heels echoing on the marble floor. Anyone seeing her might think she was a consultant for the cancer clinic or even one of the doctors. He watched as she checked in at the desk, smiling at the clerk who handed her a form to fill out and from what Neal could see from where he sat, a new hospital card.

She looked around and Neal gave her a tentative wave as she smiled nervously and came to sit beside him to wait.  
  
‘Hi’ he said as he kissed her hello. ‘How are you feeling?’

She shrugged, not answering and Neal was surprised when she reached over and took his hand in hers as she began looking at the form she ostensibly needed to fill out.

‘What’s that?’ he asked, looking over her shoulder.

‘Personal history’ she answered as he squeezed her hand.

Sara had barely finished filling out the required form when a smiling young man in a volunteer jacket appeared before them.

‘Mrs. Caffrey?’ he asked as Sara smiled back. ‘Can you come with me please?’

Sara and Neal followed the young man down a long corridor and around the corner to another hallway which seemed to house a number of small examination rooms. He stopped in front of a door, opening it and standing aside as Neal and Sara were ushered in and invited to take a seat in the small utilitarian room.

‘Someone will be in shortly’ he announced, before disappearing down the long hallway, leaving the couple alone.

Neal glanced around the small room, picking up on various inconsequential details: the clipboard that hung crookedly on the hook by the door, the garbage pail with an empty Starbucks cup and granola bar wrapper, the slow trickle of water from small wash base. Once a conman, always a conman.

His eyes moved back to Sara who appeared to be reading from the form in her hand although he was reasonably certain she wasn’t. He reached out for her hand in silence and she gave him a shy smile.

It took less than two minutes and the second door to the room opened as a young Asian woman entered. She was a tiny young thing who looked no more than 20 years old and yet she had an air of assurance about her. She took the only other available seat in the room, a small round stool which sat at the end of an examination table.

‘Im Dr. Wong’ she said as she put out her hand for Sara. ‘I’m a resident here in the oncology program and I’m going to ask you a few questions before Dr. Franklin comes in to see you.’

The young woman leaned in, reaching for the piece of paper Sara was clasping in her hand and Neal took the time to reach into his shirt pocket for the pad and pen he and brought along to take notes.

Anna Wong asked Sara about her gynecological history: at what age she had started her period, the methods of birth control she had used over the years, if she'd had any pregnancies or if she'd used any fertility drugs. Neal's mind wandered as he observed his wife, poised and self-assured answering each question clearly and concisely. 

After a few minutes, the resident stood to leave and Neal and Sara returned to the unbearable silence as they continued to wait for the doctor’s arrival. Neal squeezed Sara’s hand and kissed her knuckles, noticing how cold her hands and he became aware of the slightest tremor - or was that his hand? He wasn’t sure…

Muffled voices and doors opening and closing could be heard in the distance and suddenly, the door to the small room opened and a tall, burly man appeared. Contrary to the slight woman who’d been there moments before, the doctor filled the room with his effervescence presence, his large frame and his deep voice.

'Mrs Caffrey' he said, putting out his hand to take Sara’s. 'I'm Dr. Franklin, head of gynecological oncology. It's nice to meet you.'

He looked over at Neal who put out his hand 'Hi, Neal Caffrey’ he volunteered. ‘I'm Sara's husband.’

Neal watched as the large man prepared to sit on the minuscule stool and he fleetingly wondered if the seat would hold his weight but the man jus settled in, a gentle reassuring smile on his face.

'Would you prefer I call you Sara?' asked Dr. Franklin.

'Yes, that would be fine’ she responded as she looked him over. 

He appeared to be in his mid sixties, with salt and pepper hair, an olive complexion and the kindest eyes she’d ever seen. She liked him immediately although it was a purely knee jerk reaction, considering she’d known him for all of ten seconds. Regardless, she felt reassured by his presence and her eyes studied him as he began to glance over the documents in the file he’d arrived with, looking through test results and hand written notes, not doubt penned by Dr. Cooper.

'Sara, I've had a look at your test results’ he said, before tearing his eyes away to establish eye contact with her.‘There’s no doubt that this is a suspicious growth on your left ovary. It is approximately the size of an orange and it is pressing on your bladder and other internal organs. Tell me, do you often have an urgent need to urinate?'

'Yes, I do' answered Sara. ‘…and often, I need to go to the bathroom a couple of times during the night. I thought it was because I'd had a baby...'

He smiled in response and made a note as Neal studied him.

'This growth is carrying some unhealthy cells – cancer cells – and my job is to remove the mass and make sure that these cells haven't spread to any other parts of your pelvic cavity like your uterus or cervix or your other ovary.You see, surgery is always our first line of offence in cases like this... and it’s the most effective as well.’

Neal was taking notes, nodding as the doctor spoke.

‘Will I need to have other treatments?’ she asked.

‘Until we get a good look at those cancer cells, it’s difficult to know’ the doctor replied patiently.

He returned to his notes. ‘Is there any chance you might be pregnant at the moment?' he asked.

Neal and Sara exchanged looks.

'I suppose’ Sara answered.‘We've been trying for about three of four months...’

She was momentarily distracted as her mind did some quick math; wasn’t her period due just about now? With everything that was going on, she’d lost track of time.

'Well, we'll do a pregnancy test today before you go. Until we perform the surgery, I suggest you use birth control to make certain you don't get pregnant in the meantime' said Dr. Franklin looking from Neal to Sara. 

Neal thought of how much they had been wanting another baby and the thought that Sara might be pregnant now seemed like some sick twist of fate.

'Sara, there is no doubt that we need to operate and remove this mass. After we remove the tumour, and while you're still under, we’ll do a quick analysis of the mass to determine the make-up of the tumour. We do this by slicing through the mass and examining different portions of it. That's what will tell us what type of cancer we’re dealing with.’

Neal piped up. 'How many types are there?'

'The most common is epithelial which is a cancer that starts on the surface layer covering the ovary. Within that category, there are several subtypes and some are more aggressive than others. This first examination should tell us this. Then, we want to look at the stage of the cancer which means we want to see how widespread it is.’

Neal jotted down the information, recalling some of the facts they had uncovered online.

‘I understand you have a daughter’ Dr. Franklin said.

'Yes, a fifteen month old' Sara replied with a smile.

'And you said earlier, you were planning on having other children?'

Neal and Sara both nodded as they held hands.

'I will certainly take that into consideration when we’re in surgery. If you were a fifty-year-old woman who had finished having her babies, I would be inclined to suggest a full hysterectomy right off the bat. That means removing both ovaries, the uterus, and cervix.’

Sara looked at him and her eyes widened. 'Do I _need_ a full hysterectomy?'

'That's not clear right now but we have to be prepared for that eventuality. During surgery, I will take cell samples from your uterus and your cervix and we will do a quick analysis. I will do my best to give you a chance at having more children however I need you to understand that if you have spreading of cancer cells, I will have to carry out a full hysterectomy.’

Sara looked at Neal and she nodded. He could see that tears were starting to form in her eyes. He put a protective arm around her and he pulled her in a little closer.

'I would like to do the surgery as soon as possible. I have an opening next Thursday' the man said.

Neal looked at Sara. 'So soon?’ she said.

'We really need to do this as quickly as possible. In the case of a more aggressive type of cancer, a few weeks could make a big difference.’

She nodded hesitantly. ‘How long should I plan on being off work?’

‘About six weeks to fully recover from the surgery itself’ he replied as she thought ahead to the next little while. She would to get a meeting with her boss ASAP.

'OK' she finally said. 'Next Thursday… Will it be done here and will you do it yourself?'

'Yes, I will do it myself and soon after the surgery, I will have more answers for both of you and we can discuss additional treatment, if necessary.'

'You mean like radiation or chemotherapy?' Sara asked. Neal could see she was shaking.

'There are protocols for the treatment of each type of cancer but we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves. The first step is surgery – that removes the mass. That's the most effective treatment right now. Then we see if anything else is necessary to make you healthy again.’

His eyes returned to the file in front of him and he pulled out a piece of paper ‘This is a consent form for the surgery’ he explained. ‘Because you won’t be in any position to give informed consent during the surgery, I need your permission to remove more than just your left ovary should the situation warrant it.’

Sara turned to look at Neal and he read the fear in her eyes. He could tell she was thinking, just as he was, that she could be signing away any chance of siblings for Hope. He gave an almost imperceptible nod and Sara took the pen Dr Franklin was offering and with her shaking hand, she signed her name at the bottom of the form.

'Do you have any other questions?' he asked as he placed his hand on Sara’s hand.

'What are the risks of the surgery?' she asked, her voice quiet.

‘I won’t sugar coat it… this is major surgery and every surgery has risks, that's for certain. My job is to advise you as to the best course of action for your situation. In your case, the benefits that can come from this surgery far outweigh the dangers associated with it.'

He stopped as Sara absorbed this information.

'Well, if you think of any other questions after you leave, here's the clinic's card. I work with five other doctors and any one of us can respond to your questions at any time so don't hesitate to call. We’ll have another chat when you come in for your pre-op next week’ he added, noting the look of confusion in Sara’s eyes. It was a lot to take in.

‘Your case coordinator will be in touch’ he said reassuringly. ‘We’ve got you well in hand Sara. And I can see you have a lot of support’ he added, smiling at Neal.

‘So, stay put for a minute. We’ll take some blood to do a pregnancy test and then we’ll let you get back to your little girl’ he said, rising from the small stool with some difficulty.

'So I will see you next week’ he said as he touched Sara’s shoulder. ‘And try not to worry, we'll take good care of you' he said as he rose to leave.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

'It went well' Neal said, trying to sound upbeat.'They're doing the surgery next Thursday.'

Over in Brooklyn, Peter Burke was sitting at his dining room table with his wife hovering over him, mouthing questions for him to pass on to his best friend back in White Plains.

'Did they talk about any other treatments?' Peter asked, slightly uncomfortable at being so inquisitive.

Neal’s eyes were on Sara as she moved around the kitchen, tidying up the last of dinner; she didn't seem to be paying much attention to the conversation but with Sara, you could never really tell for sure.

'Right now, all we know is that he's going to remove her left ovary and we'll have to see from there' Neal replied. This was _not_ the time to give chapter and verse about the appointment they'd had that afternoon.

'How's Sara doing?' Peter asked, the question which was uppermost in Elizabeth's mind.

'She's good...' Neal answered, uncomfortable to be speaking about his wife in the third person when she was a mere few feet away, stacking dishes in the dishwasher.

Sara could hear bits and pieces of the conversation but her mind was reeling from all the information they'd gotten that afternoon at the cancer clinic. But above all, she couldn't stop thinking about the blood test she'd given just before they left. Ever since her first appointment with Dr. Cooper, things had become a blur and now, she was having trouble remembering when _exactly_ she'd had her last period. Maybe she should run out and get a home pregnancy test but then again, did she really want to know?

'So, do you want me to pick up Hope on Saturday morning or do you prefer to drop her off here?' Peter asked.

'You know, I think we'll keep her with us this weekend. We promised her we'd go shopping for a 'big girl' bed. She climbed out of her crib again last week and almost broke her neck' Neal said with a chuckle.

'Okay...' Peter answered, obviously disappointed. 'But you _are_ coming over for dinner on Sunday, right?'

Neal shot Sara a glance but she didn't seem to be listening.

'Let me check with Sara' he said. 'I'll get back to you on that.'

At the mention of her name, Sara glanced over at her husband who gave her a gentle smile.

'Hang on a minute. I'll see if she's around' she heard him say as he turned to her, mouthing El's name.

Sara gave him a definitive head shake; with everything that was going on, she wasn't ready for the Elizabeth Burke inquisition, something Neal could certainly relate to after years of being on the receiving end of El's probing questions.

'Sorry Peter' he lied in his best conman voice. 'She just went down to put on a load of laundry. Tell El she'll call her back as soon as she gets the chance.'

Sara smiled at her husband, thankful for his most excellent deflection skills.

'Yeah, we'll keep you posted. Thanks for calling' Neal said before finally hanging up.

'You're not going to be able to keep her away much longer, you know' Neal said as he stood to join Sara by the sink. 'When she gets something in her head, she's like a dog with a bone.'

'I know. I just need a little more time to wrap my mind around everything before I go explaining it all to someone else' she said as Neal wrapped his arms around her.

'Believe me, I get it' he murmured, placing a kiss on the tip of her nose. 'Early night?' he asked, suddenly aware of how exhausted he was.

'Early night' she repeated.

WCWCWC

Hope Ellis-Caffrey was a very adventurous little girl. She was tall for her young age, had beautiful soft dark curls and bright blue eyes that sparkled with mischief. She was also an excellent little climber and most definitely her father's daughter when it came to escaping confined spaces. The safety gates her parents had dutifully installed at the top and bottom of the staircase were no match for the toddler who had almost immediately learned how to circumvent them.

But most of all, she was smart as a whip and at the tender age of almost sixteen months, she had the language skills of a two year old, speaking in two and three word sentences and surprising her parents on a daily basis with her ability to communicate her needs and wants.

Her parents had debated at length the merits of getting her a toddler bed to replace her baby crib. On three occasions now, they had found her wandering into their bedroom, having managed to climb out of her crib and in the end, Neal and Sara had decided that it was safer to have her in a bed than dropping from a four foot height in free fall.

' _If_ we get a big girl bed' Sara had explained, 'you need to _stay_ in bed and not get out and walk around the house.'

'Sleep bed' Hope had answered, looking very solemn.

'That's right. You need to sleep in your bed' Neal had repeated.

And so, on a sunny Saturday morning in July, the threesome headed out on a search for the perfect big girl bed for Hope's room. Neal had spent most of Saturday setting it up as Hope watched with interest, handing him the necessary tools and waiting impatiently for the moment when she could try it out for herself.

On Saturday evening, Neal decided to prepare a special dinner for two and so, Hope was fed early and was more than happy to go up to her room and try out her brand new bed. As they did every night, her parents read her a bedtime story and placed a few books on her bed, reminding her that she had to stay put and not wander around the house. They pulled up the safety bar on the side of the bed and having kissed her goodnight and tucked her in, they headed downstairs to the wonderful meal Neal had concocted for their date night. 

'So?' Sara asked as Neal returned from checking on their daughter.

'Sound asleep' he said with a satisfied smile.

'You think she's ready for this?' Sara asked as she sipped a cup of tea following the wonderful meal Neal had served.

'Let's see what she does when she wakes up in the morning' he suggested as he took his place next to his wife on the couch in their family room.

'Thanks for dinner Neal. It was delicious' she said, her voice faraway.

He reached out for her hand, playing with her wedding ring. 'Waiting is hard, isn't it?' he said, echoing her very thoughts.

'There’s just too much time to think ... and re-think' she admitted.

'Why don't we take Peter and El up on their invitation and go over there for dinner tomorrow night? You know, it might do you good to talk to her' Neal said, testing the waters. Sharing his apprehensions with Peter had done him a world of good and he hated to think of Sara bottling things up, afraid to worry him.

Sara let out a long, slow sigh. 'You're right. I've been avoiding her long enough...Okay, let's do it' she finally relented.

Neal smiled in response; pulling away from those who cared about them, although understandable, was not the best course of action. Peter and Elizabeth were their best friends and all they wanted was to be there for Neal and Sara, something they surely couldn't be faulted for.

'I made an almond torte...' Neal said, with a head nod towards the kitchen. Sara hadn't been eating much and she didn't have much in the way of reserves as it was.

'Caffrey...' she said with a warm smile. 'You know I can never say no to your almond torte.'

WCWCW

On Sunday afternoon, Neal sat with Peter in the Burkes' backyard, beer in hand as Satchmo lay between the two men, relieved for the short reprieve as Hope got busy in the sandbox Peter had built for her.

Before long, the conversation turned to the plans for the upcoming week.

'What time do you have to be there on Thursday?' Peter asked as Hope let out a shriek of joy at a squirrel sauntering by.

'Early. Before seven' Neal said. 'And Wednesday, we have to go in for Sara's pre-op appointment.'

‘Why don’t you bring Hope over on Tuesday night, then' Peter said, as always more than happy to spend time with his goddaughter.

'You know Peter, we can ask our sitter to take her during the day, give you a bit of a break' Neal reminded his best friend.

'No way!' Peter countered. 'El's cleared her calendar for the end of the week so she can be here.'

'Thanks Peter. It's a load off my mind... I don't know what state Sara will be in after the surgery' Neal admitted. 'And we don't know what we'll be facing after it's over.'

'Don't give it another thought' Peter said with a warm smile. 'You know we love having her here.'

Hope ran over to the two men, teetering as she picked up a little more speed than her little legs could handle and she tripped sending the full sand bucket she was carrying flying into the air. Satchmo sat up, anxious to get in on the act and Hope took off after him on a tear.

The men laughed at the sight of the inseparable duo and Neal's eyes met Peter's. 'You know, I really don't know what we'd do without the two of you.'

Peter's face lit up as he got an idea. 'Why don't you bring some of _your_ stuff over and just move into our guest room while Sara's in the hospital. That way, you don't have to shuttle Hope back and forth between here and White Plains and you can come and go from the hospital as you please.'

'Yeah?' Neal asked, unsure. It was a great offer; he hadn't been looking forward to doing all that driving back and forth with Hope in tow. 'I have to admit, that would be really helpful.'

'It's settled then' Peter said as he lifted his beer to his eyes in a toast.

WCWCWC

Sara watched the two men chatting in the yard as she sat at the counter in the Burke kitchen with Elizabeth. Once she'd started opening up about things, everything had spilled out effortlessly and she realized how thankful she was to have Elizabeth Burke in her corner.

'I'm afraid I might be pregnant' she blurted out, a secret she hadn't even shared with Neal.

'What?' El asked, unsure she'd heard right.

Sara's sad eyes met hers as she spoke. 'El, I'm so confused. Maybe it's just the stress... but my period is about a week late.'

Elizabeth reached out to touch her hand. 'Why don't you take a pregnancy test?'

'Because I'm too scared to find out' Sara admitted as she looked out at Neal, sipping his beer, looking more relaxed than she'd seen him in a couple of weeks.

'They did a test at the hospital and we’ll get the results on Wednesday when I go in for my pre-op...' Sara said, her eyes misty. 'I don't want to know if I am. It would just be... too hard.'

'El, what if I can never have another baby after this is all over?' Sara said, tears flooding her eyes. She stopped for a moment, afraid she was being insensitive towards Elizabeth and the struggles she and Peter had known on the baby front. 'I'm sorry. I know that sounds... selfish. We've got Hope and I know how hard it's been for you and Peter to come to terms with your situation.'

'That doesn't mean I don't understand... or empathize. In fact, I probably understand more than anyone else how sad it would be to find out you couldn't have any more children. I don't wish that on anybody who wants kids, least of all you and Neal' Elizabeth said, squeezing her hand.

'Thank you... for everything. It's hard to talk about things but I guess it's even harder to keep them in. I don't want to worry Neal more than he already is' Sara admitted. 'He's been... so attentive and supportive and I know he must be going out of his mind but he's been putting on a brave face and we keep tiptoeing around the issue, you know... neither one of us wants to upset the other' Sara said with a sad laugh.

Elizabeth nodded in understanding. 'Sweetie, we're all here for you. Promise me, you'll tell us how we can help, okay?'

Sara nodded but little did she know just how difficult it would be to keep that promise.

WCWCWC

Monday morning came and Sara returned to Sterling Bosch to finish up some work before taking her unscheduled leave of absence. She'd met with her boss following the appointment at the cancer clinic and Mr. Bosch had been very supportive and understanding; turned out he'd recently lost _his_ dad to cancer and he knew all too well the importance of family.Sara hoped her absence wouldn't put her job at risk but he'd reassured her that her contribution to the firm was top-notch and that she needed to take care of herself so she could return healthy and productive.

There was much to do in order to transfer some of her open cases to her colleagues and Sara prepared to put in longer hours over the next couple of days so she could walk away from Sterling Bosch with as few loose ends as possible.

So many people were in her corner and she was feeling an urgent need to let them know just how she felt about them. Although Dr. Franklin had downplayed the risks involved with the surgery, she couldn't help but remember how their neighbour up the street had passed away unexpectedly at the age of 42 during a routine gall bladder operation just weeks after they'd moved into their new house. What if something happened to her on the operating table and she'd never had the chance to let those she loved know exactly how she felt.

Despite the numerous tasks she needed to get done before her leave, Sara settled in at her desk, first thing Monday morning and pulled out the box of fancy stationary she kept in her top drawer when she needed to write thank you notes to her high end clients. She thought of Elizabeth, Peter, Mozzie, June and of course Neal. What if she became a casualty of some fluke during surgery? For her peace of mind, she needed to make certain they all knew what they had meant to her.

Sara took a deep breath and began to write.

_Dear Elizabeth,_

_For the longest time, I didn't have a best friend - not since high school really - but you came along and changed all that. When we first met, I felt invincible and I'd convinced myself that I didn't need anyone to confide in or to share things with. You showed me I was wrong. You have been there for me since I first came into Neal's life, helping me understand this complex man, holding my hand through the rough times and celebrating with me in good times. Spending time with you as we planned my wedding opened my eyes to what a generous and loving person you are and I grew to appreciate every moment spent with you.But most of all, I am so grateful that my daughter has you in her life. Of course, she's got Neal and he is an amazing dad but he can never be a role model for her – not like you. Elizabeth, you are one of the strongest women I know and I am so grateful you are in Hope's life. I want her to grow up knowing that she can accomplish anything she wants in life and I know she will learn that just by watching you._

_Thank you for always being there for me. Now, I need you to be there for my daughter._

_Love, Sara_

Sara wiped a tear as she picked up the letter, folded it and carefully placed it in an envelope and wrote Elizabeth's name on it in her tidy handwriting. She picked up a second piece of paper and once again began writing:

_Dear Peter,_

_Neal and I... who would have believed it? You did, dear friend. You knew, even before we did, that we were two peas in a pod, two broken people afraid to show their true selves to the world. And yet, you persevered. You kept throwing us together in all kinds of situations, hoping we would finally open our eyes to what you already knew: that we were destined to share each other’s lives. Neal is a better man for having known you, Peter Burke, and he still looks up to you today. You’ve helped him through so many ups and downs and now, I need to ask you to help him through this. Peter, I can’t bear the thought of Neal shutting down now that I’m gone. He needs to stay open to the possibility of love and I’m counting on you to see him through his grieving and to encourage him to keep living. Neal is the most gentle, sensitive and loving human being I have ever met and he will be hurting very badly. But he is young and I don’t want him pining for me for the rest of his life; please help him find love again._

_Thank you for being there for him and for loving our daughter as you do. She is so lucky to have a godfather like you._

_Sara_

… and then, a third.

_Dear Mozzie,_

_I’m sorry for having put you in the difficult position of holding on to these letters but now, you must go the extra step and make sure they are delivered to their rightful destinations. You are the only one I can trust with this. I need to confess something: I know you have a heart of gold – as a matter of fact, I've known for a long time. You are Neal's oldest friend and he's going to need you to be there for him now that I'm gone. Please look out for him and don't let him sink into depression. He is not very open about his feelings and he needs people to be patient and draw things out of him. Most of his life, he pretended to be strong when he was feeling weak, pretended to be happy when he was hurt, pretended to be confident when he was filled with doubts and I don't want him to revert to being the old Neal. I'm counting on you Mozzie._

_Sara_

She took a deep breath and walked over to the window looking out at the Manhattan skyline. Her surgery was in three days… She wanted to believe that she would come out of it all right and that she and Neal would have a long and happy life with a houseful of children but she needed to cover all her bases. What if something happened on the operating table? She had to be ready just in case…

She sat down once again. The hardest letter was still left to write. She looked up at the video camera sitting in front of her. She wanted to leave Hope a video message; one of her worse fears was that Hope would forget her voice… her face.

She took out one last piece of stationery and slowly began writing, once again.

_My darling Neal,_

_This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do – saying goodbye to the love of my life. That’s what you are, Neal Caffrey, the love of my life. There have been no others and even if I’d lived to be a thousand years old, there could never be another. You have made me whole. Not because I wasn’t already whole but because I hadn’t figured it out until you came into my life. Do you remember the poem I read at our wedding?_

_‘I love you for putting your hand into my heaped up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can’t help dimly seeing there and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find.’_

_You saw those things, Neal, those things I had buried deep inside, afraid of showing them to the world.You made me see that I could be a good mother to Hope and I am so grateful that you were my partner in parenthood. Having Hope has been the most amazing adventure we could ever share.Please remind her everyday just how much I loved her and how proud I am of her._

_Caffrey, give yourself the time you need to get back on your feet but please, please, don’t give up on love. You have your whole life ahead of you and believe me, I would have wanted nothing more than to be the one to share it with you but fate has decided otherwise. Find love again and be happy._

_Yours always,_

_Sara_

She wiped away the tears which had inadvertently started to roll down her cheeks and lovingly folded the letter to Neal, hoping that by Friday she could rip it up and return to his loving arms. 

She had one more job to do. She got up, turned on the video camera and returned to her desk.

Looking straight into the camera, she began:

'Hello, sweet angel, it's your mom…'

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Neal Caffrey and Theodore Winters had been friends and associates for close to twenty years. It had all started when a young Neal Caffrey had first set foot in New York City, looking for a new life filled with excitement and adventure. Mozzie had been happy to provide both and he’d immediately recognized the younger man for what he was: a kindred spirit who had the guts and brains to partner up with him to run confidence schemes the likes of which the older man had only dreamed of. They happily zigzagged New York City running scams and cons for years, at times partnering with other willing associates, Mozzie the scheming brains behind the operation and Neal the cunning, front man. Life continued up until the day Neal had been ensnared in a trap, carefully constructed by his nemesis, Special Agent Peter Burke of the FBI’s Manhattan White Collar Unit.

And so, Neal had gone away for a while, licking his wounds yet more than ready to return to his previous life when he was finally released in the custody of the Federal Bureau. Mozzie and Neal had resumed their adventures living on the edge despite the shackles which restricted Neal’s movements – after all, there was more than one way to skin a cat and it would require more than a tracking anklet to keep the likes of Neal Caffrey on the straight and narrow.

The first chink in Neal and Mozzie’s partnership had been Peter Burke, the straight as an arrow FBI agent who had been Neal’s handler. Although Neal took pleasure in outsmarting the man every chance he got, he had become intrigued with life on the right side of the law and over time, he had found himself wanting to make Peter proud of him – something that often got in the way of the cons Mozzie regularly dreamed up. Then came Sara Ellis. She could colour outside the lines on occasion but there was a line she would never agree to cross. Neal had found himself drawn to the woman and before he knew it, her presence in his life had been worth more than a few compromises. But it was most definitely the unplanned arrival of Hope Ellis-Caffrey which had been the tipping point for Neal. When his daughter had been placed in his arms for the first time, he had realized that _nothing_ was worth the risk of losing her. No longer was he prepared to make choices that could land him back in prison. She became the centre of his universe, the apple of his eye and he couldn’t bear the thought of ever disappointing her.

And thus, the relationship between Mozzie and Neal had evolved to a more relaxed partnership where Neal lived vicariously through his bespectacled friend without taking the risk of losing the new life he had built and held so dear. Of course, for all this change and evolution, Neal still had those conman instincts and urges and he loved to hear about Mozzie’s exploits and share in his buddy’s successes. He was more than happy to act as informal advisor to his ex-partner in crime, something his wife had grown indulgent of... as long as that line in the sand was never crossed.

WCWCWC

Mozzie and Neal stood around the Caffrey dining room table on this Monday afternoon, examining the blue prints for the local chapter of the New York Public Library as Mozzie prepared to carry out a daring heist, all in the name of love.

‘I think that would be your best bet, Moz’ Neal said as he pointed to the south east exit of the building.

Neal’s eyes came up to rest on his buddy, looking more anxious than his ‘usual’ anxious.‘Who is this woman anyway?’ he asked.

‘Her name is Kathleen’ Mozzie answered with a shy smile. ‘She’s in my existential book club.’

‘Your _existential_ book club?’ Neal repeated.

‘Yeah’ Mozzie answered as if the term didn’t require any further explanation. ‘We study each book through an existential looking glass... you know, the belief that man defines himself and the world in his own subjectivity, and wanders between choice, freedom and existential angst.’

‘O-kay’ Neal said as his eyes narrowed. ‘Anyway... what’s so special about this woman?’

‘Oh’ Mozzie swooned with a dazed look on his face. ‘She’s got the prettiest brown eyes and she makes the best date squares you’ve ever tasted.’

‘And she’s worth you breaking into the public library after hours and stealing a first edition copy of Tom Sawyer?’ Neal asked.

‘She _loves_ Mark Twain and Miles Watson has already given her a gilded copy of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’

‘Miles Watson?’ Neal asked, trying hard to follow Mozzie’s frantic diatribe.

‘The guy I told you about... from the club. He’s got designs on her and I’ll be damned if he’s going to win her over.’

Hope suddenly appeared on her little riding toy, squealing and stopping right at the men’s feet.

‘Poppa!’ she called out, her arms up.

‘Hey baby’ Neal said as he crouched down to take her in his arms. ‘Are you hungry for a little snack?’ he asked, kissing the top of her head.

‘Neal!’ Mozzie whined. ‘We’re in the middle of a delicate operation, here.’

Neal gave his friend a disapproving glare. ‘I’ll be right back, Moz’ he said, his tone even.

Mozzie gave him a scowl and returned to the plans, calling out to Neal who was now in the kitchen, getting his daughter a bowl of Goldfish crackers. ‘The exhibit is only until Friday so I’ve got to move quickly!’

Neal reappeared with Hope on his hip.‘And you’re sure this first edition is part of the exhibit?’ he asked as Mozzie nodded.

‘So… this door’ Neal continued as he pointed to the plans. ‘… it gets you right near the alarm system.What have they got?’

‘Oh, it’s a Tech 98’ Mozzie said with assurance. ‘I can take out the wifi, no problem.’

‘And what about any security devices in the book itself?’ Neal queried, trying to cover all the bases.

Mozzie smiled, proud of himself.‘I read an article where the library boasts about the chips they’ve installed in the book covers. It’s the same technology they use with credit cards.’

‘Ahhh’ said Neal as Hope squirmed to be put down. ‘So you get to use your Russian surplus disabler.’

Hope took off again on her riding toy, satiated until dinner which was less than an hour away. 

‘What about your exit plan?’ Neal asked as the front door opened and Sara's voice was heard off in the distance.

‘I’m home’ she called out as she followed the sound of voices coming from the dining room where she found the two men, obviously knee deep in some illicit scheme.

‘Mama, Mama!’ Hope called out, hopping off the toy and straight into her mother’s arms.

‘Hey, sweetie!’ Sara said, scooping her daughter up in her arms and walking over to where Neal and Mozzie stood, hovering over the plans laid out on the table.

'Hey you two' she said as she approached the table. The men looked up and Neal locked eyes with her, anticipating a kiss which she delivered as she smiled fondly at him.

‘You’re early!’ Neal said with a broad grin. ‘I thought you were working late tonight.’

‘Couldn’t concentrate’ Sara admitted, looking tired.

'What are you boys up to?' she asked before adding, '...never mind, I don’t want to know.’

After many lengthy discussions, she and Neal had come to a clear understanding of just how far he could get involved in Mozzie’s shenanigans and she trusted her husband not to go over that line. If he acted as advisor and confidant, helping Mozzie work out the details of a job, so be it. He could scratch his itch without getting himself involved directly which was fine with her.

‘You staying for dinner, Mozzie?' she asked, Hope teetering on her hip.

'Mossie' Hope repeated with a grin.

'Sure, thanks' said Mozzie. 'I just _happen_ to be free.’

'There's a roast in the oven' Neal called out as Sara walked towards the kitchen, carrying Hope in her arms.

'You want to help Mommy set the table?' Sara said as she looked at her smiling daughter.

'-able' she repeated. Hope was now repeating everything she heard which, depending on the nature of the conversation her parents were having at any given time, could be a good thing… or not.

By the time Hope was settled in her high chair, contentedly playing, Mozzie appeared, searching for a glass of wine. Sara peeked around the corner to see if Neal was behind him and seeing her husband was nowhere in sight, she pulled Mozzie aside, her voice a whisper.

'Mozzie, I need to talk to you about something but not here' she murmured.

'I could set up a clandestine meeting in the park. Just remember to ask about the mockingbird - ' he answered, a little too loudly for her taste.

‘Shhhh! I don't want Neal to hear' she said, reprimanding him.

'Look, Sara, I told you. You had your chance with me years ago and you decided to settle for Neal' he said as Hope giggled nearby.

Sara rolled her eyes. 'Can we meet for lunch tomorrow?'

'Sure’ Mozzie answered, seeing the serious look on her face. ‘How about that little coffee place by your office.'

'Okay, noon at – ' Sara began, stopping suddenly as Neal came into view.

'What are you two plotting?' he asked as he walked into the kitchen.

'Your wife is hitting on me…. again' Mozzie said, sipping his glass of Merlot.

'Honey, I told you, if you wanted Mozzie in the first place, you should have married _him'_ said Neal, coming up behind Sara and reaching his arms around her waist. He hummed and placed a kiss on her cheek.

'Come on Hope’ Mozzie said, lifting the child out of her high chair with his free arm. ‘Let’s you and me go play in the other room. Your lovesick parents are at it - again' he said with an air of disdain as Neal continued to plant little kisses on Sara’s cheek.

'So, you’re tired, huh?’ he asked as he pulled away to look into her eyes.

She shrugged, enjoying the feel of Neal’s body up against hers.

'I'm fine. Please stop doting’ she said, although she didn’t seem the least bit eager for him to loosen his grip.

'Your surgery is in two days. I'm allowed to dote on you' he said, nuzzling her neck.

‘All right' she said, enjoying the moment. 'Go ahead and dote!’

WCWCWC

On Tuesday at noon, Sara Ellis left her office at Sterling Bosch, carrying a small box, on her way to the Green Door Café to carry out a most unusual mission. Mozzie was already waiting when she got there, glancing around furtively in his usual paranoid Mozzie way.

'Hey Moz' she said, touching his shoulder gently as she walked around him to take her place on the other side of the table.

‘All right, Sara. What's going on? It's not Neal's birthday and I haven't lifted anything from your place since that unfortunate incident last Christmas…' he began.

'Mozzie…' Sara smiled indulgently, interrupting him. 'I need a favour.'

Mozzie could tell by the serious look in her eyes that something was up, something that required he tone down the sarcasm – just a little.

‘All right, shoot' he said, suddenly and unusually solemn.

'I'm going in for my cancer surgery on Thursday' she began.

'I know. I'm sure it’ll be fine, Sara' he said, feeling uncomfortable. Mozzie hated these types of touchy-feely conversations and avoided them like the plague.

'I'm hoping for the best and I have a lot of confidence in my surgeon but this is major surgery and anything can happen…’ Sara said.

Mozzie seemed to realize where this was going and he didn’t like it one bit.'Sara –'

'Mozzie, please! I need you to listen to me. Neal is trying so hard to keep it together for me and I can tell, every time I look into his eyes, how difficult this is for him. I can't talk to him about this stuff right now. I don't want him to think…' she stopped, choosing her words carefully.

She looked down at the table and continued 'I've prepared some stuff, just in case something goes wrong with the surgery…'

Again Mozzie interrupted her. 'Sara, you can't be thinking like that.'

‘Mozzie…’ she continued, fighting back tears. 'I've never faced my own mortality before…. and I can't bear the thought of something happening and not having had one last chance to tell Neal how I feel and to make sure Hope knows... for later, you know…' she said finally choking up.

Mozzie just sat quietly and took her hand. Sara looked up at him and smiled through her tears.

She opened the box she had brought with her and took out a number of envelopes.

'This is for Neal. If anything happens to me, can you make sure he gets this? And this...' she continued as she took out a CD, 'this is for Hope. When Neal looks at it, it will be self-explanatory. I also have these for Peter and Elizabeth and there's one for you as well.'

She handed the items to Mozzie who took them reluctantly.

'Just because I'm taking these doesn't mean I believe something bad's going to happen' he said sharply as if reprimanding her.

'I know, Mozzie, I know. I just feel better knowing that I got all this off my chest.'

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Neal climbed the rickety old steps up to _Tuesday_ , his favourite of Mozzie’s seven safe houses. From the decrepit look of the outside of the building, it was impossible to imagine the comfortable and luxurious living space Mozzie had managed to create for himself up on the third floor of the abandoned dwelling. The loft was made up of a large open space with a state of the art kitchen, a roomy living room and a large bedroom with an ensuite all in a Tuscan theme with earthy colours and warm, comfortable fabrics.

Neal knocked on the door, listening fo any telltale sounds of Mozzie moving around inside but, hearing none, he pulled out his trusty lock pick set and let himself in to wait for his old friend.

‘Moz? Are you here?’ he called out as he roamed around the loft, pausing to serve himself a glass from the bottle of Barolo which sat on the granite counter in the kitchen. He made his way over to the couch and pulled out his phone — although he knew full well Mozzie rarely answered his cells, preferring to screen all calls.

‘Moz, I’m over at Tuesday’s and it’s 4:15. Where the hell are you?’ he said as instructed after the beep.

The men had agreed to meet so they could finalize their plans for Mozzie’s little nocturnal visit to the public library, scheduled for the following night. Neal was glad he’d thought to ask Sara to pick up Hope at the sitter’s; Mozzie had sounded shaken on the phone and he wasn’t sure just how much hand holding the older man was going to need.

Neal’s eyes wandered around the room, taking in the beautiful giant cactus Mozzie had recently acquired and admiring the beautiful Botero Moz had gotten as the result of some illicit trade. It was a damn shame such treasures were hidden away for only a choice few to admire. His eyes fell on a short stack of envelopes on the ornate coffee table and Neal leaned in to get a better look, surprised to see his name scripted on the very top one - in Sara’s handwriting.

Without a second thought, Neal picked up the enveloped and proceeded to open it and peek inside.

WCWCWC

The phone rang in the Burke household at precisely 8:17 on Tuesday evening just as Peter was about to take Satchmo out for a walk.

‘Hi Peter, it’s Sara’ came the unexpected voice.

‘Sara, hi! El’s not here right now —’ Peter began.

‘Actually, I was calling to talk to you. Do you happen to know where Neal is?’ she asked, sounding rather anxious.

‘Neal? I assumed he was home with you’ Peter said, hanging up the dog’s leash on the nearby hook in the kitchen and leaving Satchmo looking very disappointed.

‘That’s just it. He was supposed to meet up with Mozzie at 4:00 but Moz says they got their wires crossed and Neal never showed up.’

Peter was picking up on the worry in Sara’s voice and frankly, he couldn’t blame her. This was not like Neal at all, least of all in the present circumstances.

‘He came by the office this afternoon but he left at around three, said he was meeting Mozzie’ Peter explained.

‘Peter, I’m worried. He never misses Hope’s bedtime and he’s not answering his phone.’

‘Okay’ Peter replied, his mind suddenly on high alert. ‘Let me see what I can find out and I’ll get back to you. Don’t worry Sara, we’ll fin him’ he added reassuringly.

Peter thought back to the conversation he’d had with Neal that afternoon. They’d spoken briefly about the case they were embarking on and Neal had shared his apprehensions about Sara’s surgery although he’d sounded optimistic everything would go well. There was nothing in his demeanour that would indicate he was planning on disappearing with letting his wife know where he was headed.

Considering what Sara had just told him, Peter was shocked when Neal answer this phone on the first ring.

‘Peter!’ Neal said, sounding somewhat tipsy. Peter could hear music in the background and lots of loud voices.

‘Neal, where are you?’ he asked, a little afraid of the answer.

‘I just stopped off for a drink’ his ex-CI replied although it sounded like he’d had more than one already.

‘Sara called and said you weren’t answering your phone.’

There was silence for a moment and Peter could hear the background noises growing louder - definitely a bar.

‘Neal?’ he said again when he didn’t get a response. ‘Why don’t I come join you? Where are you?’

‘I’m at the Pony Bar on 10th’ came the reply.

‘Stay put buddy. I’ll be right there’ said Peter before hanging up.

He grabbed a light jacket and immediately dialled Sara as headed for his car, leaving Satchmo whining by the door.

‘I found him. He’s at a bar of all places. Did something happen? He sounded like he was already half in the bag.’

‘What? No, nothing. I talked to him earlier this afternoon and everything was fine.’

‘Look, sit tight. I’m going to go get him’ Peter added as he started the car.

What now, Peter thought. There was enough going on without Neal going AWOL less than 48 hours before his wife was scheduled to have major surgery. He arrived at the out of the way bar about twenty minutes later, hoping Neal hadn’t decided to take off for parts unknown. But he needn’t have worried; he found him at a table near the back, nursing what looked like a glass of scotch - not a good sign, considering Neal’s usual preference for fine wine. A he got closer, Peter squinted, trying to get a read on Neal’s face but the place was dimly lit. The best he could make out was a look of sadness mixed with a heavy dose of worry on his best friend’s face.

He slid in the seat across from Neal just as the waitress came over and Neal signalled her to bring over two more drinks. Peter studied his friend, wondering how far gone he was.

‘I taught you’d be home putting your daughter to bed at this hour’ Peter said, notjudgement exactly, more of a rebuke.

Neal scoffed. ‘I didn’t know it was that late’ he murmured, his voice slightly slurred.

‘So…’ Peter said, referring to his level of inebriation. ‘How far gone are you?’

‘Not far enough’ Neal said as he stared down at his empty glass.

The waitress returned with two more scotches and Peter reached out, downing his drink in one big gulp. He had a feeling he was going to need it.

‘So, are you going to tell me what this is all about? Your wife is looking all over New York for you. She’s worried.’

Neal shook his head and stared down at the table; he hadn’t meant to worry Sara but he needed a little bit of space - and some time. He reached into his shirt pocket, producing the envelope he'd accidentally found at Mozzie's safe house and he threw it on the table in front of Peter.

'What's this?' Peter asked as he picked it up.

'A goodbye letter from my wife' Neal said, his voice harsh.

Peter opened the envelope and attempted to read its contents despite the dim lighting - and the fact he'd left his reading glasses at home. He shrugged and Neal realized he was having trouble making out what was written on the piece of paper he was holding in his hand.

'My... crazy, beautiful wife thought it would be a good idea to leave letters for everyone she cares about in case, you know… in case she kicks the bucket’ he said with a sad smile.

‘Awww, Neal’ Peter said in empathy.

Neal downed his drink and was just about to signal the waitress to bring over another round when Peter spoke. ‘Look, why don’t you let me buy you a cup of coffee and we can talk things through?’

Neal shrugged and Peter stood, taking Neal’s silent gesture as agreement to leave.

When Neal made it to his feet, however, it became obvious that he’d had more than a few and Peter took his arm to steady him as the younger man leaned against his best friend for support. They walked out of the bar in silence, Peter’s arm tucked under Neal’s, guiding him down the street towards a small coffee shop down the block. The fresh air seemed to help Neal sober up somewhat and once there, they settled in a booth and Peter ordered coffee for the two of them as well as a sandwich for Neal.

‘What’s going on buddy?’ he finally asked as their cups were placed in front of them.

‘She’s scared Peter. She’s got it in her head that she might die on the operating table’ Neal said as he played mindlessly with his coffee cup.

‘And when I read it… _I_ got scared too and I just couldn’t go home and face her right away’ he added, his face sombre.

‘Neal, you know Sara. Cross ever ’t’, dot every ‘i’. How did you get your hands on that thing anyway?’

‘Moz and I got our wires crossed and I showed up at Tuesday looking for him. The letters were just sitting there on the table in his loft.’

‘ _Letters?_ Plural?’

‘There was one for you, one for Elizabeth, one for Mozzie and a DVD… for Hope.’

‘What were they doing at Mozzie’s place?’ Peter asked.

Neal shook his head. ‘I don’t know. Maybe she asked him to keep them for her, just in case.’

He opened the letter again, his eyes drawn to the last paragraph. ‘Get this… she wants me to _go on and find love again_ ’ Neal said, using air quotes, a twisted smile on his face.

‘That sounds like something Sara might say’ Peter agreed. He could see tears forming in Neal's eyes.

‘You know, I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together, to stay positive - and so has she, but all this time, she’s… she’s been having these horrible thoughts ant not sharing them with me.’

‘She probably didn’t want to worry you, just like you don’t want to worry her. Speaking of which…’ Peter said.

Neal looked down at his phone. ‘Yeah, I guess I should call home, she’s been texting and calling for the past two hours.’

‘It’s okay. I already called her and told her I’d found you’ Peter admitted as Neal nodded in thanks.

‘I’ve been acting like an idiot. I should have gone home and told her what was going on’ he said as he forced himself to take a bite of sandwich - something he seemed to immediately regret, based on the look on his face.

‘Let’s just say that holing up in a bar and throwing back tumblers of scotch might not have been your most brilliant idea’ Peter agreed. ‘Drink up’ he added, pointing to the cup of coffee in front of them.

Neal sat in silence, obviously regretting his impulsive reaction.

‘It didn’t occur to you to go home, take your wife in your arms, tell her you love her and that everything would be all right?’ Peter asked.

Neal scoffed. ‘Do you think it’s too late for me to do that?’

‘Knowing how loving and forgiving your wife is, probably not’ Peter said with a smile. ‘Look Neal, we’re all worried about Sara. She could be facing a really long road after the surgery and we all know that but you’re gonna have to find a way to let off steam that doesn’t involve a fifth of scotch. I’m here and you can talk to me anytime. I know you don’t want her to see you this way and I don’t blame you - I wouldn’t El to see me worried either but you have options. Don’t keep it all bottled up - talk to me. Please.’

Neal just nodded and he looked up, his eyes were full of tears.

‘Peter, I love her so much… Did I tell you we’ve been trying to have another baby? And now this… I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to her… and Hope… she needs her mom.’

Peter listened carefully, nodding as Neal spoke.

Suddenly, Neal was overcome with the urge to see his wife and daughter. ‘Would you mind taking the home?’ he asked as he set down the rest of his sandwich with a grimace.

Peter pulled out his wallet to pay. ‘Come on.’

WCWCWC

Sara was sitting on the family room couch trying to concentrate on answering some work e-mails when she heard the front door open. She was instantly on her feet, running to the front door where she found her disheveled husband and his best friend standing by the staircase.

‘Found this guy by the side of the road, thought he might belong to you’ Peter said in an attempt at levity as he stood next to a sorry looking Neal.

‘Thanks Peter’ both Neal and Sara mumbled simultaneously as he turned to leave.

‘Neal!’ she cried out, unsure whether to hug him or smack him. ‘I was _so_ worried.’

He looked at her, shell shocked; nothing he could possibly say could excuse his impulsive behaviour.

‘I’m sorry’ he said with an embarrassed sigh. ‘…although I fully realize those words sound hollow after what I just did.’

His look of genuine regret pushed Sara over the edge and she took the last few steps separating them, opening her arms to greet him.

‘Im just so relieved you’re safe’ she said, enveloping him in her arms.

She pulled back almost immediately. ‘Caffrey you smell like a goddamn distillery’ she exclaimed as Neal let out a stifled laugh.

‘Sorry’ he mumbled. ‘Why don’t I make us some coffee and I’ll… I’ll tell you everything’ he said as he dragged himself into the kitchen, already starting to feel the inevitable beginnings of a hangover.

Sara watched as he moved with ease around the kitchen, measuring the coffee, taking the cream out of the fridge, grabbing for their favourite mugs… she’d seen him going through the motions dozens of times before and the anger and frustration she’d felt just moments before dissolved as relief flooded her at the sight of her husband, safe and sound, carrying out such a mundane task.

Neal joined her on the couch and handed her a cup of heavenly Italian Roast.

She looked up at him expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

‘I was over at Mozzie’s and I found this’ he said, pulling the envelope out of his shirt pocket.

She stared at it, instantly recognizing her letter. ‘Oh Neal! I never meant for you to read that.’

‘Well, I did’ he admitted. ‘And I panicked. I hadn’t realized you were have these… these horrible thoughts.. and then _I_ got scared…’

Sara’s eyes met her husband’s, both of them suddenly aware of their all-advised attempts at protecting each other from inevitable worry.

‘We’re a fine pair’ she mused. ‘Afraid to admit to each other that we’re both scared.’

Neal set down his cup of coffee and slid closer to his wife, his arm extended as she curled up against him and set her head on his shoulder.

‘Sara, you’re going to be fine. These doctors… they’re the best at what they do and they do this kind of thing every day. You can’t be thinking the worst, okay?’ he said as he lovingly ran his hand through her hair.

‘I know’ she whimpered. ‘But I kept thinking about Vic Jarvis and what happened to him and…’

‘Honey, that was a total fluke, one in a million’ he interrupted, trying to convince them both that Sara’s fears were unfounded.

‘I just didn’t want to leave anything to chance’ she whispered.

Neal closed his eyes, the remnants of the alcohol still coursing through his veins. He was exhausted from all the conflicting emotions he’d been trying unsuccessfully to manage. He let out a long, tired sigh.

‘What do you say we go up to bed? I want to check on Hope.’

He knew the toddler wouldn’t understand why her daddy hadn’t been there to give her her bath and tuck her in and he was suddenly overcome with guilt, needing to see for himself that she was safely tucked in for the night.

Neal rose and took Sara’s hand as they slowly made their way upstairs, setting the house alarm and turning off lights along the way. They stood in the doorway to Hope’s room for several minutes, arms around each other, watching as their daughter slept, looking so tiny in her new grownup bed. Neal glanced longingly at the crib which was still tucked away in the far corner of the room awaiting storage.

‘I guess we can finally put the crib away… at least for now’ he said with a tinge of sadness. He’d always hoped that crib would be home to a couple of more babies but now, all bets were off.

He was looking dead on his feet; the emotions of the day and the scotch having totally wiped him out.

‘Why don’t you take a shower?’ Sara suggested. ‘It’ll do you good.’

He disappeared into the bathroom and Sara prepared for bed, thinking ahead to her pre-op appointment. Although she hadn’t had official confirmation, she was reasonably sure she was pregnant. Her breasts had been sore all week, something she remembered from her first pregnancy and just that morning, she’d been sick in the Sterling Bosch executive washroom just before meeting with a new client. She thought back to their anniversary weekend, how they’d made love with such fervour and purpose, hoping she would get pregnant. Now, she didn’t know what would happen to the baby they’d wanted so badly. One thing was for sure; she didn’t want Neal hearing the news form the doctor’s mouth. She had to be the one to tell him and she was running out of time. She sat up in bed, waiting for him to return which he did, a towel hanging from his hips and his hair dripping wet.

‘How’s your head?’ she asked as she handed him a glass of water and some Tylenol.

Neal cocked his eyebrow, looking embarrassed at the situation.

‘What’s wrong with this picture?’ he asked with a frown as Sara looked back, shaking her head.

‘Nothing, nothing at all’ she reassured him as she took the towel from his hand and ran it gently through his hair.

‘I’m supposed to be taking care of _you_ ’ he mumbled, obviously disappointed with himself.

‘You _do_ take care of me but sometimes, you’ve got to let me take care of you’ she said, sitting next to him on the bed.

He threw back the pills and drank the water, standing to pull on a pair of sleep pants and noticing Sara watching him intently. She had that look she always got whenever she wasn’t sure how he would react to something she needed to tell him.

‘What? What is it?’ he finally asked as he prepared to climb into bed.

‘There’s something else I need to tell you… before our appointment tomorrow’ she said, her eyes avoiding his.

‘Okay’ he said slowly, not sure what to expect.

He settled in up against the headboard and watched Sara’s face grow serious. He lifted his hands up expectantly, urging her to go on.

‘Neal… I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant’ she said, staring into his eyes.

‘You’re kidding…’ he replied, leaning forward to reach for her.

Her eyes looked away, unable to hold his gaze.

‘Wow…’ he finally said in response to her silence. He reached out to touch her face and force her to look up at him.

‘Did you take a test?’ he asked, his voice soft.

‘No. I’m too scared… but I’m two weeks late and I threw up at work this morning.’

He shook his head in disbelief. It was a testament to the turbulent two weeks they’d just lived through that he hadn’t picked up on the fact that Sara’s period was late. Over the past couple months of trying to get pregnant, he’d been watching the calendar like a hawk.

He ran his hand gently down her cheek. ‘We’ll figure it out’ he said, putting his arms out and pulling her in against his chest.

She began crying softly and he cradled her, his head pounding at the information overload.

‘Don’t cry baby, don’t cry’ he whispered lovingly, feeling a familiar lump in his throat.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Sara woke to the sound of Hope coughing off in the distance. By the faint daylight barely discernible in the room, she could only venture a guess that it was early dawn. She lay motionless for a few seconds, waiting to see if Hope was awake and hearing no further noises, she took stock of the situation. She’d finally fallen asleep curled up on her left side, away from Neal and after a night of tossing and turning, he had thankfully dropped off, spooning her, his hand lovingly placed on her flat belly – something she remembered him doing frequently while she was pregnant with Hope. 

She turned in the bed to face him and he fell onto his back, letting his hand fall away listlessly – a sure sign he was blissfully asleep. But now, _she_ was the one who was wide awake and she turned in the bed towards him, placing her head in the crook of his neck and throwing her arm across his bare chest, feeling his comforting and reassuring warmth.

‘Mmmmff’ he muttered as he brought his hand up to gently caress her arm.

‘Shhhh’ she murmured. ‘It’s okay.’

It was Wednesday morning and after today, there would be no more ‘normal’ for them. They would be dropping Hope off in Brooklyn before heading over to Sloan Kettering for her pre-op appointment and the next day, doctors would slice her open and examine her insides, determining her future and that of her family. 

What should have been such a happy time – finding out she was pregnant – had turned into a giant question mark. Was the universe conspiring to tell them something? When she’d gotten pregnant with Hope, she and Neal had only just reunited following his return from Cape Verde and at the time, she had given serious thought to terminating her pregnancy. They had been nowhere near ready to make a long term commitment; Neal was still on anklet, his future uncertain and Sara was focussed on climbing the ladder at Sterling Bosch. 

At the time, she couldn’t have possibly imagined a life where Neal would commit to being a father and she’d had neither the interest nor the inclination to raise a child on her own. But somehow, Neal had managed to convince her that they could make it work, that he was ready to make the kind of commitment necessary to bringing a child into the world. He’d more than lived up to his promise and by the time Hope was born, they had been ready to commit to each other in a more traditional way than she’d ever dreamed possible for two such loners as Neal and herself. Now, she couldn’t imagine their lives being anything else and having a second baby was a way to build on what they now knew was so precious to both of them, a life together.

WCWCWC

‘Poppa! Poppa!’ Hope shrieked as she came running into her parents’ room. Sara had managed to nod off again and Neal was still sound asleep, snoring as he often did when sleeping on his back – especially after imbibing an inordinate amount of scotch as he’d done the night before.

He blinked, bracing himself as Hope made a run for their bed. She was gunning for him and he had just a few short seconds to react, protecting his junk before she jumped on top of him with total abandon.

‘Hey’ he said, sleepily as Sara stirred next to him.

The toddler straddled his belly and began to tap his cheek repeatedly in an effort to get him to wake up.

‘Poppa! Poppa!’ she squeaked with her childlike voice, so full of energy.

‘Okay, okay, I’m awake!’ he said as he turned his head in a feeble attempt to avoid her tiny hand which continued playfully tapping his face to bring him back from the dead. 

‘Poppa, play!’ she said as she bounced up and down on his tender stomach.

‘Whoa, baby girl, give Daddy a minute to wake up’ he said groggily as Sara watched the action with a sleepy grin.

Now that Hope was free to roam the house, they needed to be aware that she could show up anytime, including less opportune moments. Sooner than later, they would have to set some ground rules if they wanted any privacy at all. 

‘Did you know you’re going to Uncle Peter’s house today!’ Sara announced, a declaration that brought on a whole new wave of unbridled bouncing up and down on her poor daddy’s belly.

Now fully awake, Neal reacted by picking up his daughter and tossing her playfully in the air as she giggled irrepressibly, the sound of her laughter resonating joyfully in the room.

Sara caressed her stomach as she watched the scene in wonder. What an amazing life they had! Why did fate have to intervene so cruelly?

WCWCWC

The drive out to Brooklyn was pleasant as Hope hummed in the back seat, some song about a little green frog Neal recognized from one of her favourite CDs. It was a beautiful July day, the sun shining, the kind of day they should be spending together lying on a picnic blanket and watching Hope frolic around them. Alas, the Caffreys were dropping their daughter off at her godparents’ house so they could embark on a daunting adventure; a fight to the death with a powerful yet invisible enemy.

The couple pulled into the hospital parking lot with twenty minutes to spare and made their way to the admissions desk to register. The all too perky receptionist took down some basic information and directed them to the pre-op unit on the third floor. There were a few pre-admission tests Sara had to submit to including a brief discussion with the anesthesiologist and finally, Neal and Sara were ushered to a small examination room as they waited for Dr. Franklin to make a brief appearance.

‘Good morning Sara, how are you today?' he asked jovially. 

She nodded politely. 'Fine. A little anxious I guess.'

'I would expect nothing less' said Dr. Franklin, kindly. 'It's not every day one has major surgery. I'm confident everything will go well and you should to.'

Sara smiled meekly, waiting for him to broach the subject of the blood test.

'We did get the results from your blood work’ he said looking at both Neal and Sara. 'Sara, you’re pregnant, about four weeks along.'

Sara and Neal nodded and Dr. Franklin watched their concerned faces.

‘But I see you’d already come to that conclusion by yourselves’ he said with a sad smile.

Sara shrugged. ‘I’ve been pregnant before and I’ve started to have morning sickness.’

'What does that mean for the surgery?' Neal asked spontaneously.

'Well, the chances of the embryo surviving such an intervention are extremely slim, especially in the first trimester although it’s been known to happen. More likely, the body spontaneously rejects the embryo following such an invasive procedure. If not… well, we can discuss our options. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves but should you require chemotherapy, for example, some of those drugs can be harmful to a developing foetus.'

Neal watched in dismay as Sara spoke up. ‘What would happen if I _didn’t_ have the surgery?’

They hadn’t even discussed the possibility of not going forward with the surgery and as saddened as he was at the thought of giving up this baby, he didn’t want Sara taking any chances with her long term survival.

Dr. Franklin spoke up. ’Sara, this surgery is an essential step towards a good, healthy outcome for you. That mass has been steadily growing and will continue to do so unless we remove it. And over time, the cancer cells can spread to your uterus, your cervix... if it hasn’t already done so.’

Although his intention was not to alarm his patient, Dr. Franklin had to be honest and give Sara all the information he deemed essential in making a good decision. He picked up on Neal’s body language, the fear in his eyes at the words he’d uttered.

Sara nodded in understanding. ‘All right’ she said softly.

'Any last minute questions?' he asked looking at both of them.

'I can't think of anything' Sara said, still digesting what he’d just explained.

'How long does the surgery last? And when will we have news?' Neal asked, suddenly on the edge of his seat.

'The surgery itself takes about two hours – unless there are complications' Dr. Franklin explained.

Turning to Neal, he added, 'I'll send someone out to give you an update during the operation. And, when I do my rounds in late afternoon, I will come up to your room and give you all the information you need so we can plan for the next steps.'

Neal nodded in thanks as Dr. Franklin rose to leave, shaking Sara’s hand then his. 

The enormity of what was happening seemed to hit them once more and the couple exchanged worried looks as they stood to leave. 

They left the hospital hand in hand and walked silently to the car.

WCWCWC

‘I don’t know, Elizabeth…’ Sara said into the phone as Neal navigated out of the hospital parking lot.

‘Sara, she’s fine. She and Peter have gone out to get a few things for dinner. Why don’t you two just enjoy some time together. You’re going to be stuck in hospital for the next few days and then you’ll need to recuperate.’

‘I don’t know...’ she repeated as Neal gave her a questioning look.

She covered the mouthpiece, turning to her husband.‘El says not to bother coming out to Brooklyn.She says Hope’s fine.’

Neal shrugged and nodded.

‘All right’ Sara finally said into the phone. ‘Thanks Elizabeth. Tell her we’ll call later to say goodnight.’

‘How about I take you out for a nice Italian meal at Babbo’s? We haven’t been there in ages’ Neal suggested.

Sara loved Italian although she was conscious of her calorie intake and didn’t do pasta very often.Putting a little more meat on her bones before surgery, however, seemed like a sensible idea.

‘That sounds nice’ she said with a smile, remembering the wonderful homemade orecchiette she’d had the last time they were there.

‘Anything for my girl’ he said, reaching out for her hand.

They had an early dinner, avoiding the crowds and by 8:00, they were back in White Plains, strolling around their neighbourhood, hand in hand. They made their way to the park, the sounds of kids playing soccer nearby a pleasant background to the uneasy silence that had befallen them. The pregnancy had definitely added another dimension to the already complex situation and Neal could see it was eating Sara up inside.

They found a quiet bench and sat, enjoying the beautiful summer evening. Neal pulled out his phone and called the Burkes’, eager to hear his daughter’s voice before she turned in for the night.

‘Hey sweet pea!’ he said into the phone as Sara watched with a silly grin on her face. Watching Neal morph from hot, sexy husband into warm, caring dad was still disconcerting at times. He seemed equally at ease in a five star restaurant as he was in their suburban kitchen, feeding his daughter a messy plate of homemade spaghetti and that made Sara love him all the more.

‘What song?’ she heard him say.‘Ah, the spider song, all right!’ he said as he launched unabashedly into a rendition ‘Itsy Bitsy spider’ without a second thought for the many passersby.

‘I love you’ he said as he finished. ‘Here’s Mommy.’

‘Hi sweet girl’ Sara cooed into the phone. ‘You remember to be a good girl for Auntie Elizabeth. I love you’ she said as she handed the phone back to her husband, her voice trembling.

‘Thanks Elizabeth’ she heard Neal say.‘I’ll call tomorrow as soon as we have news.’

After a few minutes, Sara spoke, sharing what had been running through her mind since the appointment. 'Neal, maybe this baby is a sign that I shouldn't go through with the surgery.'

He looked at her intently. ‘What are you talking about? Babe, we have to think about you first –'

She put a hand on his arm as she cut him off. ‘Just listen… we've wanted this baby for a while now and it's finally happened. What if this is my last chance to have another baby?'

Neal swallowed hard before speaking. ’Honey, I want another baby just as much as you do and I agree that the timing sucks but... we can't put your life at risk’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘I don't want to be a widower with two young kids. Sara, I need you.'

She sat in silence, watching kids playing in the distance. Neal took her hand, forcing her to turn to face him. 

'The first thing we need to do is get you healthy and we can worry about the rest later. Look, with any luck, the cancer won't have spread and Dr. Franklin will be able to leave you with one functioning ovary. And if not, we'll face it... together.’

He stopped for a moment in order to let his words sink in. ‘I love you... and I don't want to face my life without you. And neither does Hope.'

He put his arm around her and pulled her into his chest, emotions getting the better of him. ‘Sara, I can face anything if you're with me.'

She nodded; she knew he was right although it didn’t make the decision any easier. What was the point of hanging on to this pregnancy at all costs if she wasn't going to be there to take care of this new baby? And she loved Neal – she wasn't ready to leave him or Hope.

'It's just shitty, that's all' she blubbered into his chest as he held her.

They continued their walk, heading towards home, enjoying the summer evening. An uncomfortable silence greeted them as they entered the house – an empty house without Hope’s irrepressible giggles just wasn’t a home.

'You want to watch some TV?' Sara suggested, looking for some sort of distraction until morning finally came and their lives were turned upside down.

'Sure...' Neal replied as he headed over to the couch.

He sat with Sara's legs on his lap, his arm around her and she curled into him, not saying much, just enjoying each other’s company in the uneasy silence. Sara’s mind wandered to the next few days, waking up after surgery not knowing the outcome, having to face the inevitable consequences of which body parts had been mutilated or removed. She could hear Neal's breathing start to slow and she looked up to see that he had fallen asleep, his head back on the couch and his mouth hanging open.

‘Caffrey’ she murmured as she gently poked him in the ribs. ‘It’s time to go to bed.'

‘Huh?' came Neal's response as he came to.

Once in bed, he was wide awake, thinking ahead to what life had in store for them. They were about to enter this long dark tunnel, not knowing what was waiting for them at the other end. After a while, he glanced over at his wife, speaking softly in case she'd drifted off.

'You asleep?'

'No' she said simply.

'You all right?'

‘Uh huh'

'Do you want to talk?'

'No'

She turned towards him, her eyes pleading. ’Neal, I want you to make love to me.’

He searched her eyes in the semi darkness of the room, seeing the fear and vulnerability there. Somehow it felt irreverent to be talking about having sex when she seemed so broken, so fragile.

'Are you sure that's what you want?' he asked, touching her face gently.

She wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him in tighter. ’I need to feel you close to me’ she whispered, her breathing unsteady. It was more than a request, more like a plaintive supplication, a visceral need to feel cherished, revered, protected from the outside world.

He leaned in, kissing her tenderly and Sara responded in kind, deepening the kiss and pulling his hard, strong, steady body against hers. She needed normalcy, needed to feel that some things in their lives were as they’d always been. Perhaps if they joined forces, they could defeat the enemy that had invaded her body.

Neal pushed himself up onto his elbow as he began to touch his wife in all the ways he knew she loved most. Sara reacted with eagerness to his loving touch, to the soothing sound of his voice, letting him carry her away from the troublesome thoughts and worries. There was tenderness and yet intensity in each one of his movements, an unusualpurpose to their lovemaking. They found their rhythm, slow and gentle at first then growing more intense, connecting as they always did, without the need for words. He saw tears forming in her eyes and he slowed the pace, his breathing having grown loud and laboured.

‘Baby... he whispered breathlessly, a question.

‘Please don't stop' she pleaded as she began to cry softly, wrapping her legs around him and pulling him tighter against her trembling body. ‘I need you…’

He responded by kissing away her tears, his throat tightening at the sight of the woman he loved more than he’d ever thought possible looking so exposed, so unguarded.

‘My beautiful, beautiful Sara…’ he murmured, his voice quivering. ‘You’re so strong, you’re so brave. I love you, I love you, I love you...’ he whispered as he brought his mouth to her ear, repeating the lamentation over and over again as he resumed the thrusting of his hips and feeling her matching him with each thrust. 

Together, they were invincible and Sara shut everything out as she let him carry her off to that special place that was just for them.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

The pre-op room at the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Centre was quietly abuzz on this Thursday morning as staff welcomed patients scheduled for surgery that day – as they did _every_ day. As patients arrived, they were escorted to one of the cubicles in the large open space and were given a hospital gown to change into, along with a large plastic bag in which to place their clothing and personal effects. 

Sara Ellis was assigned bed number 18 on that morning and she and her husband were secreted away behind a privacy curtain while she changed out of her clothes and began to prepare for her 10:00 surgery. When the nurse returned with the necessary equipment to start an IV line, she settled Sara on the bed and covered her with a warm, flannel sheet fresh from the nearby warming cabinet. You couldn’t get better service at a five star hotel – although, sadly, the similarities between the two settings ended there.

‘I’m just going to set you up with an IV drip’ said the nurse who had introduced herself as Cathy.‘That way, you’ll be ready to go as soon as they’re ready for you in the OR.’

Sara smiled at the kind nurse and glanced at Neal who sat in a chair by the head of the bed, trying to stay out of the way as the nurse buzzed around his wife.

‘So…’ she continued as she took notes on a flip chart. ‘Nothing by mouth since last night at midnight?’

Sara nodded.

‘Do you need to use the washroom?’ Cathy asked.

‘Not right now’ answered Sara as the woman placed a cuff on her arm and proceeded to take her blood pressure. 

‘Well, it’s right over there so feel free to come and go as you please – as long as you bring your little friend along’ she joked, pointing to the IV pole she was about to connect to Sara’s arm.

‘Do you prefer a bed or an easy chair while you wait?’ Cathy asked.

Sara glanced over at Neal, unsure what to answer. Although she was called upon to make dozens of infinitely more complex decisions in the course of her everyday life, she had that ‘deer in the headlights’ look, and Neal piped up, coming to her rescue.

‘Why don’t you stay on the bed for now’ he advised as he took her hand. ‘Can we switch to a chair if we need one later?’ he asked with his usual charming smile. 

‘Of course you can! That’s a great plan’ answered Cathy reassuringly as she expertly pricked Sara’s pale skin and hooked up the IV.

Cathy Biggs had worked in the preoperative room at Sloan-Kettering for the past twelve years and she saw that look of fear and apprehension on her patients’ faces on a daily basis. Her job was to give her patients the expert care they deserved while preparing them for their life-changing surgery – if she could manage to bring some comfort and reassurance along the way, she knew she’d done her job well.

‘I’ll leave you for now, then’ she continued as much to Neal as to Sara. ‘And I’ll be right over there at the nursing station if you need anything, okay?’

‘Thank you’ Sara said in a subdued voice Neal had never heard before. If anyone had asked him to list the top 100 attributes that best described his wife, ‘subdued’ wouldn’t even have made the cut.

Cathy Biggs returned to the nursing station with Sara’s file in hand and prepared to make notes as her supervisor hovered over her. 

‘Is that the ovarian cancer?’ the woman asked as Cathy nodded.

Everybody knew _that_ was one of the tougher ones to beat.

‘So young...’ the woman commented as she glanced over at the Caffreys who were quietly chatting.

By the grace of God, thought Cathy as she got back to work, by the grace of God.

WCWCWC

‘Oh sweetie, Mommy’s going to love this!’ Elizabeth exclaimed as she and Hope sat at the dining room table diligently working on a special art project for Hope to give to her mom.

‘That’s it’ she said, in encouragement. ‘Put the Cheerios all along the edge of the heart.’

El had been up since the crack of dawn with her goddaughter who had made strange upon waking up in the playpen they had set up for her in the guest room. Her diaper had been soaking wet and finding herself in the strange setting, she’d cried and called for her mom and dad before Peter had run in to see what all the fuss was about. That was at 5:30 and the toddler had been up ever since, to Elizabeth Burke’s dismay.

Peter and El were used to having Hope visit on weekends and there was always a lot of excitement as she got to do something special with her godfather followed by a great meal and a late night watching a movie with her godparents. But _this_ was different; Hope seemed to know something was up and she was fussing – something she didn’t normally do when she visited the Burke house.

‘What’s going on here?’ came Peter’s booming voice as he appeared, dressed for the office.

‘Ohs!’ Hope called out as she lifted a Cheerio and placed it in Peter’s mouth.

‘Yum!’ he said as he ruffled her hair and placed a kiss on the top of El’s head. ‘Oh, Mommy’s going to love this present!’

‘Mama?’ Hope whined, suddenly on the verge of tears once again.

Ever since Sara had called earlier that morning to say hello, Hope had been asking for her mom at the mere mention of her name. After Sara’s call, El had spent a good half hour, holding the crying child and singing to her before she’d finally calmed down.

‘Poppa?’ she asked, out of the blue, as she looked over at El expectantly.

‘You’ll see Poppa later’ she answered, trying to keep the child focussed on the art project.

‘Poppa...’ she repeated as she started to whimper once more.

Elizabeth looked over at Peter in desperation as she lifted Hope from her high chair and lovingly cradled her in her arms.

WCWCWC

At 10:15, Sara was still waiting to be transferred to the operating room. As the morning wore on, Cathy had begun to notice a restlessness in her patient and she’d suggested a mild sedative to help keep Sara’s growing anxiety in check. 

That had been a little over twenty minutes ago and the effects of the drug were becoming apparent - at least to Neal who sat by Sara’s side, reading the paper while she catnapped.

‘Neal…’ came her listless voice as her eyes fluttered open. ‘You know that pale blue shirt of yours with the stripes… the one you wore that day on the roof of the FBI?’

‘Yeah…’ he replied with a puzzled frown, eager to see what gem she would come up with in her drugged state.

‘I really like that shirt...’ she said dreamily. 

‘That’s good to know honey’ Neal said with a squeeze of her hand and an amused grin on his face.

The medication Cathy had administered had calmed Sara, whose mind was no longer focused on the upcoming surgery. Instead, Sara drifted in and out of sleep and had been randomly bouncing around from one unrelated subject to the next as Neal sat by her side, somewhat amused at seeing his wife so relaxed.

She dropped her voice as if confiding a secret. ’Have I ever told you that you have the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen?’ she said, suddenly.

’I believe the subject’s come up once or twice...’ Neal replied with a soft chuckle.

‘Well, they are’ she said as she reached out clumsily to touch his cheek. ‘The first time I saw you, I thought ‘ _Damn it, that guy’s gorgeous’_ – and I was _really mad_ at you at the time.’

‘Oh, I _know_ you were’ Neal nodded in agreement, recalling his trial all those years ago.

‘But even back then, I could tell you had a good heart...’ she continued as Neal grinned at her in return. 

‘You know what else Caffrey?’

‘What?’ he said, humouring her.

‘I love you more than the stars and the moon’ she said languidly, repeating what Neal often said to Hope when he tucked her in at night.

‘Oh, you do, do you?’ he replied, thoroughly amused by her unguarded state. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. ‘Well, so do I.’

‘I am the luckiest woman in the world’ she exclaimed.

Neal felt his throat tighten with emotion. ’No, I’m pretty sure I’m the lucky one’ he answered lovingly as he ran his hand over Sara’s cheek.

‘No, it’s me!’ she countered, her tone argumentative.

‘Okay. Well, let’s just say we’re both lucky’ Neal said as Cathy appeared in his peripheral field of vision.

‘Sara, they’re ready for you in the OR’ she said as Neal pulled back, giving the nurse some space to manoeuvre. ‘Your husband will be waiting right outside for you.’

‘Bye Caffrey’ Sara slurred with an uncoordinated wave of her hand.

‘Love you Repo’ Neal called out as he watched Cathy push Sara’s bed towards the big double doors.

He took a deep breath and watched the love of his life disappear from sight.

WCWCWC

Neal was escorted to the surgical waiting room to begin his vigil. Dr. Franklin had informed them that the surgery would last about two hours and Neal glanced at his watch so he could start monitoring the time. He had a feeling this might turn out to be the longest two hours of his life.

Shortly after eleven, he looked up to find Peter Burke standing there with two cups of coffee in his hands.

'Peter, what are you doing here?' he asked he stood to face his friend.

'You didn't think I was going to let you sit here all by yourself, did you?' Peter asked with a reassuring smile.

Neal scoffed; he should know better by now. 'Thanks, I could really use the company, waiting is the hardest part.'

'So, how did everything go this morning?' he asked settling in next to Neal.

'Good. She was feeling really optimistic and strong... as usual' Neal answered with a faraway smile. ‘She was getting a little anxious near the end but they gave her some wonder drug and she was... well, let’s just say she was relaxed by the time they finally wheeled her in.’ 

‘That’s good’ Peter answered. ‘It’ll be nice to get the surgery behind you.’

Neal nodded silently. The discussion he and Sara had had the night before came flooding back unbidden as he thought about the little baby which would likely be no longer once the surgery was over.

‘Sara’s pregnant’ he finally blurted out. ‘Well, for the moment anyway.’

'Wow, you’re kidding! What does that mean?' asked Peter, visibly surprised at the news.

'The doctor says she’s about four weeks along...’ he began, sombrely.

He shook off the sadness and continued. ‘The embryo probably won’t survive the surgery...’

'Oh, Neal, I’m sorry. I know how much you wanted another baby.'

Neal shrugged, trying to make light of it but Peter could see through his façade. 'Well for now, I just want my wife back. We’ll figure out the rest later’ he said, looking resigned.

They chatted for a while about some of the cases at White Collar and Peter filled Neal in on the kind of night Hope had, leaving out the fact that she seemed to be missing her parents when she woke that morning. After a while, they fell into companionable silence. Those long nights in the car on stakeout made them both very relaxed in each other's company and their frequent silences were a part of that.

By noon, Neal couldn’t sit still any longer and he began to pace up and down the short hallway leading from the waiting room to the elevators as Peter watched him go back and forth...and back and forth.At about 12:15, a woman wearing scrubs and a mask stepped into the waiting room.

She walked up to Peter. ’Mr. Caffrey?' she asked.

'Neal!' Peter called to his best friend who was halfway up the hall again. Neal turned on his heels and quickly made his way back to where Peter stood, holding his breath in anticipation of the news the woman was bringing with her. 

'Mr. Caffrey' she started again. 'Dr. Franklin sent me out to give you a progress report. Your wife is doing great. There was a bit of a holdup when we finally got to the OR and we got started a little late. The doctor has just sent the samples to the lab and he’s waiting on the results before he proceeds with the rest of the surgery but he wanted you to know she's doing well and there have been no complications so far.'

'Thank you' Neal said breathlessly. He was grateful for the update. 'Is the operation going to go on much longer?'

Peter stood by his best friend, listening intently as she responded. 'That depends on the results of the preliminary test samples. As Dr. Franklin explained to you, if the rest of the pelvic area is clear, he'll just finish up but if the results point to some spreading, he'll have to proceed with a full hysterectomy.'

Peter didn’t know much about this stuff but he knew that if they went ahead with a full hysterectomy, that meant Sara wouldn’t be able to have any more children. He watched Neal take in the information and waited for his reaction. 

‘We’ll let you know when she’s out of surgery’ the woman said as she turned to go back from whence she came.

‘You okay?’ Peter asked as he placed his hand on Neal’s back.

Neal nodded and let out a long, painful sigh as he digested the 'non' news he'd just heard. He was just going to have to be patient a little bit longer.

'Look, it’s going to be a while. How about I go get us something to eat, huh? I'll bet you haven't had anything all morning’ he said as Neal just stared ahead.

'Thanks but I don't think I could eat right now, Peter. I'll feel better after I see Sara.'

'Did I tell you we finally got that search warrant for the offices of Smirle Pharmaceuticals?' Peter asked in a valiant attempt to get Neal focussed on something other than the fact that his wife was lying nearby with her body ripped wide open. 

'No, you didn't' answered Neal, absent-mindedly.

'I thought if Sara's doing well enough next week, you could come out with me and we could snoop around. Just like the old days, what do you say?' Peter suggested, his voice animated.

'I don't know Peter...’ Neal answered listlessly. ‘We’ll just have to wait and see how Sara is.'

'Hospitals are reporting a shortage of two of the drugs already. That means people who really need them aren't getting what they need to get better' said Peter, trying to tempt Neal by appealing to his compassionate side.

Neal thought about Sara and the fact that she might soon be needing certain medications to get better. How would _he_ feel if she couldn't get what she needed?

‘All right... well, let’s play it by ear. But I'm _definitely_ interested in helping out with the case' he said.

Time passed and Neal became more and more concerned that the passing minutes were a bad sign, a sign that the cancer had spread and that the doctor was having to take out more organs than he first thought. It was going on 12:45 and he still had no news.

Finally, just after 1:00, the nurse returned with an update and Neal was instantly on his feet.

'It's all done' she said. '...and your wife is fine. There was a little more bleeding than Dr. Franklin had anticipated and she needed a transfusion but she's fine now.'

'Did they have to take everything out?' Neal asked, apprehensive as to the answer. He knew that would be the first question out of Sara’s mouth when she finally woke up.

'Dr. Franklin will be out in about five minutes if you could hold your questions for him' she replied, leaving Neal hanging once again – patience might have been a virtue but he’d never learned to master it.

It seemed like forever but Dr. Franklin did come through those same doors about five minutes later.

'Neal' he said as he approached the two men. 'Sara is fine. There was a bit more bleeding than I expected when we removed the mass and her left ovary.The mass was firmly glued to the parietal wall and I had to scrape quite a bit so I could make sure I didn’t leave any diseased cells behind.I’m confident we got it all. There is no sign of disease in her uterus or in her right ovary so I left the rest intact... for now’ he added.

Neal nodded and let out a long slow breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding for the past few hours.Suddenly, he realized Peter had moved over to where he was standing and had a hand on his shoulder.

'What about the baby?' Neal asked, expecting the worse. That would undoubtedly be the second question out of his wife’s mouth.

'We'll know within the next twelve hours or so. If the embryo has been damaged with us poking around, it will detach itself spontaneously from the uterine wall and Sara's body will reject it. We'll just have to wait and see.'

‘All right’ Neal said, struggling to understand. 

'By the time I make my rounds later, Sara will be settled in her room and I’ll come by and we can have a chat’ he said as he placed a reassuring hand on Neal’s arm.

'Thank you, thank you so much' Neal managed to say as relief flooded him. 'When can I see her?'

'As soon as she’s settled in the recovery room, one of the nurses will come and get you’ Dr. Franklin said as he turned to walk away.

Peter could see the colour slowly returning to Neal's cheeks as he let out an enormous sigh, his features finally relaxing. Neal turned to him and instinctively hugged Peter who reciprocated, tapping Neal vigorously on the back and feeling the tension leaving his best friend’s body.

'Thank you Peter’ Neal mumbled as he pulled out of the embrace. ‘It meant a lot to have you here with me.’

‘Where else would I be?’ asked Peter with a fond smile. ‘Call later and let us know if Sara is up to having visitors and we’ll bring Hope over.’

At the mention of his daughter’s name, Neal’s face broke out in a smile.

Within fifteen minutes, a nurse reappeared, informing Neal that Sara had been moved to the recovery room and inviting him to follow her. The big double doors opened and Neal saw a room, much like the pre-op room, where a dozen or so patients were recovering after surgery. He spotted Sara’s red locks almost immediately and walked over at a quick pace, eager to be by her side. A nurse was hovering nearby and at the sight of Neal, she smiled.

'Mr. Caffrey?' she asked. 'My name is Joyce. I'll be your wife's nurse while she's in the recovery room. We’ve started to wake her. She's opened her eyes a couple of times but she's going to be groggy for about another hour or so and she may seem confused at times. When all her vitals are stable and she’s fully conscious, we'll move her to a room up on the gynecological ward but in the meantime, you can sit with her.'

'Thanks’ Neal muttered as he tried to take it all in, his gaze glued to Sara's face, waiting for her to open her eyes.

'Try talking to her. I'll be over at the nurses’ desk if you need me' she added pointing to a nursing station in the middle of the open ward.

Neal nodded and took a seat to Sara's left, taking her hand in his. 

‘Sara? Baby?’ he said as he leaned in to whisper in her ear.

Her eyes blinked open and although she stared up blankly at him, it was the most beautiful sight Neal had ever seen.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Neal managed to coax a brief smile from his wife’s lips before Sara’s eyes closed again. Lying there against the stark white sheets, her skin so pale, her features relaxed, Neal was reminded of the first time he saw her lying in a hospital bed, her head bandaged up, her arm in a cast. She’d been recovering from a brutal attack suffered during a recovery and Neal had been the one to find her in an abandoned warehouse. That day was memorable for another important reason; it was the day his life had taken a most unexpected turn as he’d found out from the attending physician, quite by accident, that Sara was pregnant. 

So much had happened since then — Hope’s arrival, their wedding, their move out to the ‘burbs, finally finishing his sentence and getting off anklet... becoming a fine upstanding citizen, a husband, a dad. 

Now, two years later, here she was again, looking so vulnerable, lying on a hospital bed, her body having been poked and prodded all in an effort to defeat this powerful enemy. Sara’s eyes fluttered open once more and this time, Neal spoke in an effort to keep her conscious a little bit longer.

‘Hey you!' he whispered with a relieved look in his eyes and a warm smile on his lips.

Sara stared back with a look of total confusion, those cute little lines forming on her forehead as she tried to make out where she was. 

'It's over, your surgery is finished and you're fine' Neal added, trying to bring her back to reality.

'Did they have to take everything?' she asked predictably, her voice so quiet he had to strain to hear her.

'No, they didn’t. They left your uterus and your right ovary' he said, smiling to reassure her. 'Dr. Franklin will come by later and he’ll explain everything to us.’

‘What about the baby?’ she asked, just as Neal knew she would.

‘Dr. Franklin says we won’t know for a while’ he explained as she frowned in response.

‘How do you feel?'

'Dizzy... and nauseous' she answered trying to sit up to look around the room and situate herself.

Neal put a hand to her shoulder and gently held her down 'It's all right, just lie back and relax.’

He could see that look he knew all too well from those never ending weeks of morning sickness. ‘Do you think you're going to be sick?' he asked.

'Not sure' she said, groggily as her eyes closed once more.

By the time Neal looked up, Joyce was standing there with the blood pressure monitor, ready to check her patients vital signs.

‘Welcome back, Sara. How are you feeling?’ she asked as she prepared to place the cuff on her arm.

‘She says she’s feeling nauseous’ Neal reported as Sara’s eyes drifted closed once again.

‘That's normal – it's the residual effects of the anaesthetic. I've given her something for that but sometimes patients throw up – there's a utility bowl right behind you if you need it' she said pointing to the small table by the head of Sara’s bed.

'She can have a couple of these ice chips if she's thirsty but no water yet, okay?' explained Joyce as Neal nodded in understanding.

'I'm going to throw up’ Sara suddenly mumbled as she struggled to sit up.

She’d just managed to get the words out when her stomach lurched and the nurse expertly grabbed the bowl, bringing it to Sara's mouth just in time, Neal supporting her back to keep her from straining. Considering she hadn't had anything to eat for the past fifteen hours, there wasn’t much to throw up but nevertheless, her stomach continued to spasm in reaction to the drugs which had been pumped into her system for the past few hours.

She looked up at Neal with glassy eyes. 'Just like old times, huh Caffrey' she moaned, bringing a small smile to his face. 

WCWCWC

Elizabeth Burke was sitting at her dining room table, feeding her goddaughter some yogurt when the phone finally rang. They’d been waiting all day for news about Sara’s surgery. It was almost dinner time and they still hadn’t heard a word from Neal.

Peter reached out to pick up while Elizabeth turned to look at his face, hoping it was the long awaited phone call.

‘Neal!’ she heard Peter say expectantly.

There was a long silence, presumably while Neal filled Peter in on the latest developments and El waited patiently, noting a smile on her husband’s face, no doubt indicating good news.

‘That’s great!’ Peter said to Elizabeth’s relief.‘So, what’s the room number?’

El scrambled to get him a piece of paper and pen from the nearby nook in the kitchen and she watched as Peter jotted down Sara’s hospital room number.

‘Yeah, we let her nap a little longer so she could stay up later’ Peter said. ‘She’s good, she’s just finishing up her dinner.’

The Burkes looked over at Hope, who sat in her high chair, licking her fingers, her dark hair splattered with strawberry yogurt.

‘So is Sara awake?’ Peter asked. ‘Yeah, yeah, it’ll take a while...’

‘All right, we’ll get her all cleaned up and we’ll bring her over in about an hour’ Peter said before hanging up.

Elizabeth looked up expectantly.‘She’s good, they didn’t have to do a full hysterectomy and they’re just waiting for the doctor to come by to give them more details.’

El let out a long sigh and turned to her goddaughter. ‘You hear that, Hope. We’re going to go visit Mommy!’

WCWCWC

Neal hung up the phone and prepared to step back into room 807 on the gynecological ward of the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center. He found Sara, half sitting up, her eyes closed as one of the nurses checked her vital signs as well as the large bandage that was covering her abdomen. She’d been drifting in and out of sleep for the past two hours as her body recovered from the brutal attack it had suffered.The vomiting had finally subsided although her body still seemed to want to rebel, her stomach convulsing although there was nothing left to expulse.

‘Everything looks fine Mrs. Caffrey’ the nurse said as she pulled the sheets back over Sara’s body.‘Do you want me to put your head back down?’

Sara nodded and moaned half-heartedly as her head dropped back further on the bed. 

‘Thanks’ Neal said to the nurse as she turned to leave. 

Sara had always been a terrible patient: cranky, impatient, irritated. She was used to being self-sufficient in all things and having people fuss over her drove her absolutely crazy. On the few occasions where she’d had a cold or flu, Neal had learned the hard way to give her some space and let her decide for herself what she needed from him. 

He held up the small Styrofoam cup of ice chips and waited silently for her to answer. She nodded with a weak smile and he placed a couple of chips in her mouth, watching as her eyes fluttered shut.

‘I just talked to Peter. They’re going to bring Hope by after dinner’ Neal announced as Sara gave him a small smile, her eyes remaining closed as she slipped away once more. 

WCWCWC

Shortly after 6:30, a decisive knock was heard and the door to Sara’s hospital room opened as Dr. Franklin appeared, looking tired after a long day in the OR.

'How's our patient?' he asked as he walked towards Neal, glimpsing a sleeping Sara on the bed. 

'She’s been in and out...' answered Neal.'...a little confused at times but she doesn't seem to be in any pain.'

'That's normal' said Dr. Franklin, reassuringly. ‘Her body’s been poked and prodded and we’re giving her some pretty strong pain medication.’

He made his way to Sara's bedside taking her hand and waking her in the process.

'Sara’ he said, his voice loud. ‘You did a terrific job today and I've come to talk to the two of you. Are you up for that?' he asked.

Sara nodded, still dazed but seemingly coherent.

Dr. Franklin pushed the automated button to raise Sara's head a little more and she groaned once again from the movement. He sat on the edge of the bed, preparing to give the couple a rundown of the surgery’s findings.

'The good news is that I was able to leave your uterus and your right ovary intact. They show no signs of disease’ he explained.

Neal let out a sigh and took Sara’s hand. Long term, that was excellent news and it kept their hopes of expanding their family alive for the time being.

Dr. Franklin continued. ‘The encouraging news is that we’ve been able to ascertain that this was a stage one cancer. That means that the cancer cells were contained in your left ovary and hadn’t spread elsewhere in your pelvic cavity. The tumour was firmly glued to your parietal wall though, so I had to scrape quite a bit in an effort to try to get all the diseased cells. But we can never be sure we didn't leave some cancer cells behind – that's the next steps part...'

Sara’s eyes were drooping as he spoke, her mind trying to grasp the detailed points he was making and Dr. Franklin turned his attention to Neal who seemed to be hanging on his every word.

'Upon examination, we were able to ascertain that this is a clear cell cancer. Now, clear cell is one of the more aggressive types of cancer. It is a little rarer than other types – only about 7% of ovarian cancers are clear cell and that means we have to treat this type of cancer cell with a little more of a hard-line approach to make sure we don't give it a chance to spread – if indeed we’ve left some of the diseased cells behind.'

Neal nodded for Dr. Franklin to continue.

'So, in summary, stage one, great news, clear cell, a little more worrisome. So tomorrow, once you've digested all this information, I would like to discuss some further treatment to ensure that we have killed off all the cancer cells. You’re young, Sara, and I'm sure you'd like to be there to celebrate many years of marriage to this young man and to see your daughter grow up. So I think we should be aggressive in treating this cancer and not give it a chance to do any more damage.'

'What about the baby?' Sara croaked.

'As I explained, it likely will be expelled from your body in the next twelve hours or so. If not, we'll have to see what we do about it. Tonight, I want you to get some sleep. Starting tomorrow, the nurses will be on your case to start moving more, they'll remove your catheter and get you going to the bathroom and drinking some clear liquids.'

Sara smiled faintly and her eyes closed despite her efforts to keep them open.

'I don't want to overstay my welcome' said the doctor, rising from the bed. 'I'll be back tomorrow so unless you have some pressing questions, I think I should let you rest for now.'

Neal got up to shake his hand and thank him just as a small commotion was heard in the doorway to the room. It was Elizabeth and Peter arriving, with Hope in Peter's arms.

'Is this your gorgeous daughter?' asked Dr. Franklin as he walked towards the door.

'It is' said Neal proudly as Hope put out her arms for him 'Poppa, poppa!' she shrieked happily.

'She _is_ beautiful' he said as he touched Hope gently on the head and walked out of the room to see his next patient.

Neal took Hope from Peter’s arms and hugged her tightly; being away from his little girl was always difficult, no matter how long they were apart. 

'And how are you, sweet pea?' Neal asked, nuzzling Hope's neck as she let out a happy yelp, waking Sara in the process.

Sara looked up at the crowd which had suddenly assembled in her room and at the sight of Hope she broke into a wide smile. 

'Hey, angel' she said as Neal brought Hope over to the bed and sat down with her. Hope put out her arms, wanting to go to Sara which was a no go and Neal held her tightly to keep her from jumping onto her mom. 

'Mama bed' said Hope, her voice serious. 

'Yes, mama's in bed. I'm sick but I'm getting better' Sara said as she glanced over at the Burkes who had made their way into the room. Elizabeth was carrying a beautiful azalea and Peter watched as his wife gazed fondly at the little family’s reunion. She walked over and kissed Sara gently 'How are you feeling?'

'Mmm, ask me tomorrow' said Sara, eliciting a small laugh from the group.

Peter also approached the bed, squeezing Sara's hand. 'Great to see you awake and alert' he said.

Hope was fidgeting, trying to get out of Neal's arms and into Sara's but her dad was holding her back firmly and she was becoming impatient. 'Mama, mama' she kept saying.

'It’s okay, Neal’ Sara said groggily as she painfully slid over to make room for her daughter on the bed. 

‘No climbing on Mommy’ he warned as the toddler happily snuggled up against her mother.

‘Why don't you show Mommy what you made for her?' said Elizabeth, pulling something out of her bag.

Hope squealed at the opportunity to show her mom her work of art. Although she’d ingested more Cheerios than had actually made their way onto the Bristol board, it was still a very respectable work of art and Sara let her know in no uncertain terms.

‘It’s beautiful honey!’ Sara announced as she took in the _‘I love you mama’_ El had inscribed in the middle.

'Heart, mama, heart' Hope shouted in excitement. 

Sara grinned. 'It _is_ a heart' she said. 'Thank you, sweetie, it's beautiful!’

The card was placed on the window ledge of Sara's room right next to the bouquet of orchids Neal had brought in earlier. At Neal’s urging, Elizabeth had brought along one of Hope’s favourite bedtime books for her parents to read to her and Neal and Hope both climbed onto the narrow bed alongside Sara so they could read 'Goodnight moon' together, to Hope’s absolute delight. 

Elizabeth watched in relief; it was great to see the three of them together, Neal and Sara so obviously devoted to their little girl. Any anxiety Hope might have been feeling earlier in the day had totally vanished now that she was in the company of her two parents, safely back in their arms. 

It didn’t take long for Sara to start to wilt and after a few minutes, it became obvious to all that she was badly in need of a good night’s sleep. Hope sat quietly by her mom’s side, turning the pages of her book and fading fast herself; after all, it was way past her regular bedtime. 

When the time came to say goodnight, El put out her arms to take Hope but it became obvious to all that Hope wasn’t ready to leave her parents’ side.

'You guys go ahead and I'll follow with Hope in a few minutes' said Neal as his daughter curled up in his arms, looking like she was about to nod off any minute.

The Burkes bid Sara goodnight, promising to visit again the next day and they headed out into the night, back to Brooklyn to wait for Neal and Hope. 

Neal sat on the bed, one arm around Sara with Hope sound asleep against his chest. Sara ran her hand down her daughter's cheek, smiling at her sleepy form and glad to have a moment with her family before turning in for the night.

'So... we made it through today' said Neal, quietly.

'Yeah, made it through today...' Sara repeated, already half asleep.

'You did good, Repo. Everything's going to be fine, you’ll see' he whispered lovingly.

Silence followed and Neal became aware his wife had dropped off once again and he sat there for a moment with the two people who meant the most to him in his arms... or was that three, he wondered momentarily.

'I love you' he said to a blissfully sleeping Sara, kissing her forehead. Her head dropped off to the side and with one arm, he tucked her in before heading out into the summer evening with his beautiful daughter curled up in his arms.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

Neal made his way out of the hospital, on the receiving end of a few admiring glances as he carried a sleeping Hope out to the car. She was a beautiful little girl, soft dark curls framing her innocent face, and when she slept, her tiny mouth was heart shaped, giving her an almost angelic quality. Neal was used to the stares and compliments whenever he was out with his daughter in public, whether it was at the grocery store, the local library or the park — of course, _he_ happened to think she was the prettiest little girl who ever walked the planet and he had to admit he enjoyed the envious looks he got wherever they went.

The cool summer night welcomed him and Neal took a deep, cleansing breath of fresh air, grateful to be out of the recycled air of the hospital, at least temporarily. As much as he hated to leave Sara alone, he knew she was in good hands and in her absence, he was the sole anchor for Hope whose world had been shaken up just as much as theirs had by the random event which had completely taken over their lives.

The news Dr. Franklin had shared with them _was_ encouraging but it didn't take a rocket scientist to read between the lines. Sara would need additional treatment and Neal could only guess at what that might be - although after the extensive reading he'd done, chances are she was headed for a course of chemotherapy.

He recalled what he'd read on the subject: chemotherapy drugs were brutal, potent medications which coursed through your veins on their mission to kill cancer cells while leaving all forms of destruction in their path. Hair loss was just the tip of the iceberg – although Neal knew his wife would loathe _that_ inevitable side effect. There was the muscle pain and vomiting to say nothing of the constant nausea and endless fatigue associated with the drugs. They had crossed an important bridge with the surgery but from what Dr. Franklin had implied, there was more to come and their lives would not be returning to normal anytime soon.

He drove in silence, spying Hope asleep in her car seat and hoping that whatever lay ahead wouldn't have devastating consequences for her. Her wellbeing was uppermost in his mind and he thanked his lucky stars that they had Peter and Elizabeth Burke there to support them through such a challenging time. He drove into Brooklyn, grateful he didn't have to drive all the way back to White Plains; staying at the Burkes’ while Sara was in hospital definitely made things a lot easier for him.

They were barely at the beginning of this painful journey yet he was already exhausted, both physically and mentally. If he wanted to be there to support Sara and care for Hope, he realized he was going to have to pace himself. He turned onto DeKalb Avenue in Brooklyn, looking for a parking spot on the street, not an easy feat at this hour of the night. Having a garage and a double driveway had already become the norm after a mere five months of suburban living and Neal was rudely reminded that such luxuries were not commonplace across all five boroughs of New York City. He circled the block twice, noticing someone pulling out a few houses up from the Burkes and he proceeded to park the car and lift Hope out of her car seat, carrying her up the steps to the house.

Elizabeth was standing by the door when he walked in, welcoming him to his temporary home.

'There you are' she said in greeting. 'I saved you some dinner, are you hungry?'

'Thanks, that would be great' Neal replied as he prepared to carry his little one up to the guest room. 'Let me just put her down and I'll be right back.'

Peter appeared from the kitchen, offering to take his goddaughter from her father’s arms. 'Here, let me do that, Neal. Sit and eat, you must be exhausted.'

Instantly, El was handing him a wonderful glass of wine as she placed a plate of leftover dinner in the microwave to warm.

'Awww, that tastes great!' Neal said, as he took a sip. He wouldn't last long; he could already feel himself running out of steam.

'So, how do you feel?' she asked, settling in at the kitchen counter, across from him.

'Relieved that the surgery is over but... a little unsettled. We still don't know what's coming around the corner. The doctor was optimistic but he did mention that this was a particularly aggressive type of cancer and that Sara might need some additional treatment – I'm thinking chemo...' he said, his voice fading.

He snapped back, noticing the look of worry on El's face. 'But hey, the good news is that he was able to leave her ovary and her uterus so… '

'She hasn't lost the baby?' asked Elizabeth, studying his tired face.

'Not yet. But that seems inevitable… that'll be hard on her, too…' he said wistfully.

'And you...' she added as she reached out to touch his arm.

'And me...' Neal repeated with a faraway look in his eyes. 'But you know, Elizabeth, if we can just get through this, we can worry about the rest later'.

The microwave dinged and Elizabeth placed a heaping plate of fettuccine Alfredo in front of Neal as he gladly took a bite, inhaling the wonderful aroma.

'Thanks Elizabeth. This is wonderful. I guess I forgot to eat today' he admitted as he eagerly took another bite.

'Well, you have to take care of yourself, Neal. It could be a long haul and Sara's going to need you to be on your A game' she admonished in her usual 'Elizabeth Burke' way.

Peter appeared, his hand suddenly on Neal's back. 'She didn't even budge when I changed her diaper and put her pajamas on' he said.

'Thanks Peter' Neal said as he kept eating. 'By the way, I brought over her potty so if she asks, you can put her on. Before... before all this happened, she was doing really well with it but, you know, don't push it, she's still young and... this might not be the right time to be working on that...'

Elizabeth examined his face. Neal Caffrey was a study in contradictions: a suave, sophisticated, sexy guy, sitting there sipping a Merlot while discussing toilet training – and yet, it all seemed so natural.

Neal was slowing down and halfway through his plate, he gave El a discouraged look. 'I think I should head on up to bed. I want to get to the hospital early tomorrow' he said with a tired sigh.

He gave Elizabeth a kiss on the cheek by way of thanks and made his way up the stairs. After a couple of minutes, Peter and Elizabeth heard the shower running and after a while, silence as they sat on the couch to watch some television before heading up to bed themselves.

'No wonder he's so tired. Poor guy! That’s a lot to take in for one day. Sara looked pretty out of it, huh?' Peter said, looking at his wife.

'Yeah, well, she's been through a lot and in a day or so, she's probably going to be losing that little baby they really wanted. It's sad' answered Elizabeth.

She put her head down on Peter's shoulder and he put his arm around her – they were tired too. Having a toddler in the house made for a busy household and their goddaughter was always bursting with energy and raring to go.

'Bed?' she asked.

'Bed' he answered.

WCWCWC

The next morning, Neal arrived at the hospital bright and early, feeling much more energized - and optimistic - after a good night's sleep. Although his mind had been reeling from the events of the previous day, his body had betrayed him and he’d managed to fall asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow. Hope had awakened near dawn and he'd brought her into bed with him, watching as she'd curled up against his side and resumed snoozing. Above all, he needed his daughter to feel safe and secure while he navigated the medical system and stayed close to Sara; the two of them were his main priorities and everything else paled in comparison.

He glanced into Sara's hospital room, noticing she was sitting up while a nurse hovered over her.

'Good morning' he said tentatively as he stood in the doorway, unsure whether or not it was okay to come in.

'Hi' said Sara, looking a lot more alert than the last time he'd seen her. 'There taking me off the catheter.'

'That's right' added the nurse. 'Mrs. Caffrey can get up and go to the bathroom by herself. It's important she start moving around a little more.'

Neal lingered nearby as the nurse finished the procedure, watching as Sara winced in discomfort.

'There you go. All done' said the nurse as she collected the paraphernalia and prepared to give her patient some privacy. 'Call if you need anything.'

Neal made his way to Sara's bed, noticing a half empty cup of tea on the nearby table.

'You've graduated to liquids!' he exclaimed.

‘Yipeee!’ Sara cried out in mock excitement.

'Well, it's a step up from ice chips' Neal commented as he slid onto the bed next to her, his arm instantly around her shoulder.

She turned to face him, leaning in as their lips met in a soft, warm kiss.

'Good morning' Neal repeated, his voice rough. 'How did you sleep?'

Sara shrugged. 'You know...nurses in and out all night checking your vital signs, noise in the hallway... and those heavy duty drugs always give me weird dreams.'

'Oh yeah?' Neal said, as Sara lay her head on his chest.

Sara felt his comforting form, sturdy and strong against her. 'But _you're_ here now...' she said, obviously finding comfort in his presence.

'Yes I am. And I'm not going anywhere ' he said, taking her hand in his and kissing her knuckles.

'How's Hope this morning?' she asked looking into Neal's eyes.

'I think she's giving Elizabeth and Peter a run for their money - not that they're complaining. Oh, and she peed in her potty this morning just before I left' he added, proudly.

'Yay!' Sara clapped her hands.

'Has Dr. Franklin been by yet' asked Neal. He was eager to continue the discussion they’d started the night before now that Sara was more with it.

'No, not yet' she responded.

'Sore?' he asked, noticing Sara flinching again.

'Yeah, I guess I’ll be sore for a while -'

She was interrupted by Dr. Franklin who appeared in the doorway to her room, looking over Sara's chart before stepping in.

'Good morning, you two' he said, looking rather chipper. 'How's my favourite patient this morning?'

'I'll bet you say that to all your patients' said Sara, looking up at him as he smiled knowingly.

'It's nice to see you looking more alert' he said, stepping closer to the bed.

Neal got to his feet, suddenly aware that the doctor might need to examine her and he was surprised when Sara hung on to his hand resolutely, unwilling to let go. 

'How's the pain this morning?' asked Dr. Franklin.

'So, so. I asked them to cut down on the dosage. The medication is giving me nightmares ' Sara admitted as Neal looked on, concerned.

'That happens sometimes' Dr. Franklin said as he jotted something down in her file. 'Let's try something different and see how you do with it.'

He moved in closer, pulling back the sheets as he prepared to have a look at the incision site. Sara winced as he touched her and he pulled back for a moment.

'You shouldn’t have to put up with that much pain, Sara. That’s what the pain medication is for - if you cut down too much, you won't be inclined to move as much and healing will take longer' he admonished.

Neal looked at his wife with a scowl; it was just like her to grin and bear the pain. The large bandage was removed and Neal held back a gasp at the size of the incision which ran all the way down from Sara's navel to her pubis, a good four to five inches. He moved his eyes to Sara's face and squeezed her hand as the good doctor had a good look, making sure the wound was clean and wasn't showing any signs of infection. Neal swallowed hard; to say his wife had been ripped wide open wasn't much of an exaggeration.

Dr. Franklin took a seat on the edge of the bed and faced the couple. 'As I said last night, you have a clear cell, stage I ovarian cancer which does not appear to have spread anywhere in your pelvic cavity. That's very encouraging news. We ran another blood test this morning Sara, and as of right now, you are still pregnant.'

Neal could sense Sara's breathing quicken as the last few words were spoken.

'...but be prepared for some bleeding in the next day or so which would indicate that you body has rejected the embryo. We'll continue to do blood work every day and monitor.' Dr. Franklin continued.

Sara nodded and squeezed Neal's hand.

'Unless there are unforeseen complications, you can expect to be out of the hospital by Sunday or Monday. I've given the green light to start you on clear liquids – water, broth, jello and maybe tomorrow, we can add to that list. Before we let you leave the hospital, you’ll have to pass gas and have a bowel movement, that way we know everything is in working order.'

‘Doctor?' Neal asked. 'Last night you mentioned something about further treatment?'

'I did. We can certainly revisit that at a later time but my recommendation is that once you’re back on your feet, you have a full round of prophylactic chemotherapy – that's 6 treatments, one every 3 weeks.’He spotted the look of disappointment in Sara’s eyes but he continued. ‘This would greatly reduce your chances of a relapse.'

Neal and Sara exchanged looks, both aware that chemotherapy wouldn’t be a walk in the park. Dr. Franklin stood to leave, promising to check in again the next morning and Neal resumed his pose next to Sara on the bed.

He was aware of her breathing which seemed to waver and he waited before talking to give her a chance to process what the good doctor had just said. 

After a moment, he spoke. 'So, what do you think about chemotherapy?'

'I don't know’ she said, shrugging. 

Neal waited for her to go on. He didn’t want to express an opinion until she had a chance to do so. This was her body, her fight and above all, Neal knew she would have to be the one to make any final decisions on her course of treatment.

‘Neal’ she finally said, her voice shaky. ‘I don't want to take any chances. I want to do everything I can to keep this from coming back... and I want to try to keep this ovary, at least until we finish having our babies.'

Neal couldn’t help but smile. 'Babies?’ he repeated. ‘Wow, and here I was having trouble talking you into one more….’

Sara gave him a gentle elbow to the ribs in response before turning serious. 'Well, when you think you have unlimited time, it's different….'

Silence filled the room, heavy and uncomfortable. ‘What do _you_ think?’ she finally asked.

Neal cleared his throat, trying to keep from sounding maudlin. ‘I think that....I can’t imagine my life without you and I want to know we’ve done everything we can to make sure we’re both here to celebrate our fiftieth wedding anniversary.’

He could feel Sara nodding against him and he heard a small whimper as he pulled her closer. He couldn’t help but notice her hand lying across her stomach, no doubt thinking of the baby which, miraculously was still secreted there. 

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Sara continued to recover in hospital over the next few days. The new pain medication seemed to be working its magic although, understandably, certain movements still caused her to flinch. During his visit on Saturday morning, Dr. Franklin noticed redness around a couple of stitches at the incision site, indicating an infection and Sara was immediately put on antibiotics. This unexpected complication was slowing down her recovery and to everyone’s dismay, Sara’s discharge from hospital was pushed back to the middle of the week. 

Neal spent almost every waking hour by her side, beginning with his daily morning visits with Hope.He would arrive at around ten o’clock every morning, bringing along some of Hope’s favourite toys so Sara could sit and play with her on the bed. By lunchtime, Hope would begin to fuss and Neal would drive her back to Brooklyn to Elizabeth’s waiting arms only to turn back and spend the rest of the day by Sara’s side. 

As the days wore on, Sara was managing to stay awake for longer periods of time and the couple began to challenge each other with a daily game of Scrabble before Sara inevitably dropped off for her afternoon nap. On a couple of occasions, Neal curled up beside her on the bed, making up for a short night’s sleep or simply to feel the warmth of his wife’s body against his. Sleeping in the Burkes’ guest room with Hope nearby was all very well but there was nothing like being in his own bed with his wife curled up against him and Neal was growing impatient to return home. 

On Tuesday morning, to everyone’s relief, Dr. Franklin declared that Sara was well enough to leave the hospital the next day. 

Neal was thrilled to be taking his family home although he knew that the next few days would be demanding as he cared for Sara and saw to Hope’s needs. Nevertheless, he refused El’s generous offer to come and stay with them for a few days. He was looking forward to resuming some normalcy in their lives and being back at home with his wife and daughter was the first step towards making that happen.

On Wednesday morning, Neal packed up all of Hope’s things into the car, gave Elizabeth and Peter a grateful hug goodbye and headed over to the Manhattan hospital one last time to pick up his wife and finally bring her home. It had been six days since her surgery and despite all odds, her blood work upon discharge was showing that she was still pregnant. Sara had begun to have morning sickness and Neal worried that the longer this went on, the harder it would be for her to let go when the inevitable finally happened.

'Mama! Mama!' Hope shrieked when they walked into Sara's hospital room at 11:00 on Wednesday morning. She wriggled out of Neal's arms, toddling towards her mom who was moving slowly around the room, collecting the last of her personal belongings.

'Hi you two' said Sara as Hope ran to her side, arms raised up. 

'No, sweet pea’ Neal said as she began to whine to be picked up. ‘Remember? Mommy has a bobo. You can't go in Mommy's arms right now.’

‘Bobo!’ Hope repeated, her mood changing from whiny to plain curious. 

Sara nodded and pointed to her belly. ‘Yes, Mommy has a bobo.’

‘Look at _you_ walking around’ Neal said, impressed as he made his way over and gingerly hugged his wife.

Sara had been more than eager to get home and she’d busied herself collecting her meagre belongings while she waited for them to arrive, not wanting to stay in hospital a moment longer than necessary.The nurse arrived with a wheelchair and Sara reluctantly climbed aboard while Neal grabbed her things and followed with Hope in his arms. Sara looked around, hoping she’d never have to set foot into the hospital again but fearing that would not be the case, based on Dr. Franklin’s dire predictions.

The first few days back in White Plains were quiet with everyone settling into the new routine. Sara was scheduled to be off work for six weeks while she recuperated, although that seemed like a very optimistic forecast considering what likely lay ahead. Neal did all the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the childminding and the caregiving... but he was just so relieved to be home, he carried on without a word of protest.Hope stayed near her mom; she’d missed her while she was in hospital and Sara played with her on the couch or on the bed as Neal worked around them seeing to their every need.

As the days passed, Sara’s pregnancy became the elephant in the room. Her morning sickness became a regular feature of their morning routine and she carried on without a word although Neal could tell that as time went on, she was becoming increasingly attached to the baby.She was acting more and more like a pregnant woman as her breasts became swollen and tender, morning sickness persisted and her previous aversion to bacon reappeared. 

Neither one of them spoke of it as they waited for the other shoe to drop, for the inevitable moment when the signs of a miscarriage would appear – but strangely enough, they didn’t. 

What should have been a time of celebration and excitement had turned into a dark cloud as Neal busied himself doing all the household chores, choosing to ignore the baby Sara was still carrying. At night, they’d lie in bed, backs against each other – on the pretext that Sara was still healing – but in reality, Neal didn’t know how to behave. Part of him wanted to reach out for her, to caress her belly, to talk to the baby, sing to him, rejoice in her condition as he’d done with her first pregnancy but that seemed wrong too... 

He could feel himself holding back from becoming invested in the pregnancy and he began to feel bitter about the situation, unable to get excited about a baby whose existence would inevitably be cut short. It seemed hypocritical to get excited about something he was secretly wishing would go away – if only to allow his wife to escape the clutches of the cancer that had taken root in her.

By her second week home, Sara was getting stronger and doing more for herself although Neal continued to hover over her constantly. Their follow-up appointment with Dr. Franklin was the next day and they were scheduled to discuss a date to begin chemotherapy. The doctor had hinted at the fact that Sara couldn’t undergo the treatments while still pregnant and the question that lay before them was whether they were prepared to terminate the pregnancy so she could carry on with the prescribed treatment – a question they had both chosen to ignore.

On Wednesday afternoon, Neal found Sara down in the basement putting on a load of wash.

‘What are you _doing_ down here?’ he asked, as if she’d been caught doing something illegal. ‘I thought you were upstairs having a nap!’

‘Neal, all I do is rest. I’m fine, really. I’ve got to start moving around more now that the infection is under control.’

Neal shook his head and let out an impatient sigh. ‘But, you’ve got to let me handle the laundry, Sara.’

‘I can _do_ stairs, Neal! And I didn’t _lift_ anything’ she argued, trying to make him see reason. 

She turned to face him, noticing how tired he looked, his skin pale, his eyes lifeless. He’d been run off his feet ever since they’d come home and Sara was beginning to get worried about him. He’d been keeping his distance, busying himself with busy work and Sara was missing the touches, the hugs, the gentle kisses and the cuddling when they went to bed. The more time passed, the more real this baby was becoming for her and she longed for him to reach out for her, to touch her, to acknowledge the reality of the pregnancy but Neal just fell into bed exhausted every night, unable or unwilling to discuss the situation. 

She ran her hand lovingly down his cheek and smiled at him. ‘You’re the one who’ll end up in hospital if you keep pushing yourself the way you’ve been doing.’

‘I’m fine’ he argued, looking away.

‘Well, fine or not, El’s coming over after dinner and you and Peter are going out for a couple of hours.’

‘No!’ Neal protested. ‘I don’t want to go out.’

‘Well, you’re going, Caffrey. Look, you’ve totally put your life on hold the last few weeks.That’s _not_ healthy. Go!Go be with Peter. Talk about that case you’re supposed to be helping him with.’

Neal stared back, feeling his emotions bubbling right under the surface. More than the physical fatigue, he was worried – worried about what lay ahead for his beautiful wife. 

‘Fine, I’ll go’ Neal finally relented. 

Maybe talking to Peter would do him good.

WCWCWC

‘I haven’t seen you in ages!’ Peter declared as the two men settled in front of their drinks, Peter a mug of beer and Neal a glass of Pinot.

Neal nodded but didn’t say anything. He’d been quiet on the ride over and Peter could see the worry and stress radiating off the usually laid-back man.

‘Neal, is there something you’re not telling me?’ he asked as the silence between them continued.

‘No... I’m sorry, Peter. I’ve just got so much on my mind’ he admitted.

‘Did something else happen? Did you get more bad news?’ Peter asked, suddenly worried.

‘No, no’ Neal answered with a bitter laugh. ‘Just the contrary. Sara’s getting better... but we’re scheduled to meet with Dr. Franklin tomorrow to talk about starting chemotherapy.’

‘That’s good, isn’t it?’ Peter asked before realizing how odd his comment must have sounded. ‘I mean, that’s going to help her, right?’

Neal let out a huge sigh. ‘The doctor says her cancer has a good chance of recurring in the first year if she doesn’t do the chemo.’

‘But she’s doing it, right?’

‘That’s just it. She can’t do it while she’s pregnant. One of the drugs she has to take is harmful to the baby during the first three months of pregnancy...’

‘What are you saying? She’d have to have an abortion?’

Neal cringed at the word. ‘It’s called a therapeutic termination, Peter.And it’s... ‘

He stopped as he collected his thoughts. ‘It’s just a morally justifiable term for an abortion, I guess’ he admitted, bitterly.

‘She was supposed to lose the baby right after her surgery’ Neal continued, his voice quiet.‘...and it’s been two weeks and she’s still pregnant.’

His eyes met Peter’s and the FBI agent could see all the anguish and torment in his best friend’s face.

‘Oh, Neal. That’s terrible. How does Sara feel about all this?’

‘That’s just it… we haven’t really talked about it. I’m afraid she wants to try to keep the baby’ Neal admitted.

‘You’re kidding!’

Neal shook his head. ‘She’s acting like she was the first time she was pregnant. She’s got morning sickness, her breasts are sore... and she’s got that look in her eyes... you know that happy pregnant look and it’s scaring me.’

Peter just sat across from Neal, sipping his beer and listening.

‘I feel like a jerk. I _want_ to be happy... hell, I really wanted this baby. Part of me wants to reach out to her, to touch her, get excited about it...’ Neal looked up at his best friend, slightly embarrassed. ‘When she was pregnant with Hope I couldn’t keep my hands off her, I’d sing to Hope, I’d talk to her. Lately, I’ve been acting like nothing’s happening and I feel like such an asshole.’

‘You don’t want to get excited about a pregnancy that isn’t going to go full term?’ Peter asked.

‘That’s just it. It _can’t_ go full term. If it _does_ it’ll put Sara’s life at risk. I’m not willing to do that’ Neal said, his voice sad.

‘What happens if she refuses the treatments?’

Neal looked up in horror. ‘That would be terrible. She’d be taking a risk that... I’m not prepared to take.’

‘And you say your appointment is tomorrow?’

Neal nodded. ‘Neal, you have to talk to her. You can’t have it out in the doctor’s office.’

‘I know... I just... I don’t want to push her into something she doesn’t want to do but I can’t...’Neal said, looking so sad and forlorn. ‘I wanted this baby too...’

‘Then tell her that. Let her know how you feel and why you think she should take the treatments.’ 

Neal laughed bitterly. 

‘What?’ Peter asked, leaning in.

‘It’s just... Peter Burke advising me to talk about my feelings, it’s a nice change’ Neal said, smiling through the anguish.

WCWCWC

Sara sat across from Elizabeth Burke as the women nursed a cup of tea. The house was quiet now that Hope had gone to bed.

‘You want to tell me what’s going on?’ El asked.

‘Is it that obvious?’ Sara answered, her voice quiet.

‘You always get very quiet when you’ve got something on your mind.’

‘Tomorrow’s my follow-up appointment with Dr. Franklin and we’re going to be discussing chemotherapy’ Sara said.

‘And you’re scared?’

‘It’s more than that, El. I can’t have the treatments while I’m still pregnant. One of the drugs is dangerous for the embryo in the first trimester.’

‘What? You mean, you have to choose between chemo and keeping the baby?’ El asked, horrified.

Sara nodded, her face sad.

‘I’m pregnant El! Do you know how much Neal and I wanted this baby. It’s sacrilegious to think of...’ Sara said, unable to finish her thought.

‘What does the doctor say? What happens if you don’t have the chemo?’

‘That’s what we’re going to talk about. I want to see if I can wait until after the baby’s born to have the treatments.’

‘What does Neal say about all this?’ El asked as she reached out for her friend’s hand.

Sara sat in silence.

‘You haven’t told him how you feel?’

‘It’s been crazy around here. He’s been run off his feet doing everything, taking care of me, taking care of Hope...’

Elizabeth gave her a disapproving look – Sara was in avoidance mode and now, she was trying to convince them both that things had been just too hectic to discuss such an important topic.

‘All right, all right’ she admitted. ‘The truth is we’ve been avoiding the subject.’

El gave Sara’s hand a squeeze, encouraging her to continue.

‘He’s been acting like nothing’s happening’ she said, tears in her eyes. ‘At night, he just turns away from me in bed and... El, when I was pregnant with Hope, he couldn’t keep his hands off me... off my stomach, he was always touching it, talking to the baby, singing...’

‘I remember’ El said, thinking back to a few instances when Neal had broken into song as he kissed Sara’s burgeoning belly.

‘I think he wants me to get rid of it so I can have the chemo.’

‘And you’d be willing to take a chance and _not_ have the chemo?’ El asked.

‘This is our baby. The little baby we’ve been wanting. It was one thing when I thought I might lose it during surgery but to... to actually make the decision to have an abortion... I just can’t.’

‘Oh, honey!’ El said, realizing the moral dilemma facing her best friend. ‘Nobody would think less of you... no matter what you decide. You have to do what’s best for you.’

‘I can’t walk away from this baby, El. I just can’t.’

WCWCWC

Neal and Sara prepared for bed, making small talk as they usually did. Spending time with Peter seemed to have done Neal some good and Sara noticed he was more relaxed when he’d finally made it home.

‘So how did it go with Peter?’ she asked.

‘Oh, you know... we talked about the case and... stuff’ Neal lied, as he slipped into bed.

Sara nodded and watched as Neal prepared to settle in. He gave her a small kiss and turned away, reaching to turn off the bedside lamp. Suddenly, they were in darkness and once again, Neal’s back was to her.

‘Honey?’ Sara said.

‘Yeah?’

‘Will you hold me?’ she asked.

‘Sure’ he said, turning in the bed and putting his arm out to hold her.

He closed his eyes tightly, feeling her warm body against his, the body he worshipped, the body who fit against his perfectly and seamlessly and he fought the urge to touch her...everywhere.

‘I miss you Neal’ she said.

‘I’m right here’ he answered.

‘You know what I mean’ she countered, as she kissed his neck longingly.

Neal felt a familiar stirring and fought it, pulling away. ‘Honey, the doctor said two to four weeks before we can have sex’ he reminded her.

‘I know... I just miss being in your arms’ she admitted.

Neal tried to get his breathing under control. ‘So do I’ he finally said, his voice shaky.

‘You know Dr. Franklin is going to expect us to make a decision tomorrow... about the chemo’ he said, plunging head on into a discussion he wasn’t sure he was prepared to have.

‘I know...’ she answered as she ran her hand across his chest.

‘What are we going to do?’ he asked, focussed on the topic he’d reluctantly raised.

‘I don’t know, Neal. I want to hear him out... see what the odds are.’

‘Sara, he’s made it clear that there’s a good chance the cancer could come back if you don’t have the treatments’ Neal began, suddenly in fighting mode.

He was ready to do anything to keep Sara with him, including something he’d never dreamed he would ever consider doing – giving up the baby he’d wanted so badly.

‘But maybe I could have the treatments after the baby is born’ she countered.

‘Sara, stop it!. We can’t play Russian roulette with your life’ Neal said, his voice louder than he’d meant it to be. ‘Once this is all over, we can have another baby...’

He could hear Sara’s breathing growing shallow and he realized she was crying. 

‘I’m sorry’ he said humbly as he swallowed hard. ‘Sara, I love you. I can’t bear the thought of you... of you not being in my life. All I can see right now is a future without you and it terrifies me. _Please, please_ don’t do this.’

‘Neal’ she said, taking his hand and placing it on her stomach. ‘This is our little baby, our little miracle baby.’

Neal pulled his hand away as if he’d just touched a hot stove. He couldn’t let this happen; he had to keep his emotions in check and get her to see reason. He hesitated for a moment; it would felt so right to caress her belly, to reach out to this innocent little baby, to give in to the moment and throw caution to the wind. He came to his senses. There would be a time and a place for having another baby but this _couldn’t_ be that time, not with the odds stacked up against them.

‘No!’ he said harshly, pulling his hand away. ‘I can’t. I’m sorry.’

He turned in the bed, returning to his self imposed seclusion and suddenly, Sara found herself alone and cold, shut out from the man she needed more than anything.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Neal and Sara tiptoed around each other on Thursday morning as they prepared for Sara’s check-in with Dr. Franklin. They’d both agreed to go in with an open mind so they could make the best possible decision for their future. Neal was painfully aware, however, that the ultimate decision belonged to Sara. This was her body...her hormonally fuelled body which Neal feared might be dictating a course of action they might live to regret.

By 2:30, they sat side by side, across from Dr. Franklin, hands clasped as they both endeavoured to remain objective about the information they were about to hear.

'Well, that incision is healing well’ Dr. Franklin announced following a brief examination. ‘How are you feeling Sara?'

'Tired... and still sore.’

'Of course, you are. General anaesthetic, recovering from surgery, letting your body heal inside and out… all that takes energy’ he explained as Sara nodded.

‘This is where we’re at’ he continued. ‘As I’ve said, I strongly recommend a course of chemotherapy, a combination of three drugs which have given excellent results in preventing a recurrence of this type of cancer. Clear cell is a very aggressive subtype and although I tried very hard to scrape every single speck of the tumour from the parietal wall, there are no guarantees that I didn’t leave some cells behind which would take no time at all to take root and start spreading to your neighbouring organs.’

‘What kind of odds are we talking about?’ Neal asked.

‘Well, as you know odds are just that, odds. They don’t mean anything for an individual patient.Whatever happens to an individual patient happens to them 100%’ he answered cryptically.

‘But we do keep statistics, of course. And, in documented cases, clear cell cancer has a 60% recurrence rate in the year following the first occurrence if not treated with this drug regimen’ he explained patiently. ‘That is why chemotherapy is _always_ recommended in a situation like yours.’

Sara’s hand slipped out of Neal’s and he could feel her becoming more agitated.

‘But Dr. Franklin, I’m pregnant’ she stated as if it were some big revelation.

‘I’m well aware of that, Sara. The embryo, for reasons that I can’t explain, is still hanging on for the time being. But it has been disturbed by the surgery and the chances are still very high that you will miscarry before the end of the first trimester.’

Neal watched as Sara brought her hand to her stomach and gasped.

‘What if I wait until after the baby is born to have the chemotherapy?’ she asked, the question that was uppermost in her mind.

Neal cringed as he waited for the answer; he knew how Sara’s mind worked. Once she was given the information she deemed necessary to make a decision, she would _not_ be turning back.

‘Sara, you are my patient and this is _your_ body. At _all_ times, you get to decide what happens and what doesn’t happen. All I can do is draw on my thirty-five years of experience to give you the best advice I can. And in my experience, the damage which might potentially be caused by the cancer in the next eight months would be _much_ harder to treat down the line.’

Neal leaned forward in his chair, unable to contain himself.

‘Have you discussed the option of a therapeutic termination in order to allow you to follow the treatments safely?’ the doctor asked.

'I can't...’ Sara said resolutely. ‘I won't.'

‘Honey, I think that's a mistake' said Neal, practically jumping out of his skin.

'I have to agree with your husband, Sara. You’re lucky that your right ovary has not been tainted and this leaves open the possibility of having children in the future, once your body is healthy again.’

Sara sat, eyes straight ahead with that look of determination that Neal knew all too well... the look that said: _no one can make me change my mind and don’t even try_.

‘Sara, listen to what Dr. Franklin is saying. Don’t do this, don’t put your life at risk unnecessarily’ Neal blurted out.

Sara turned to glare at her husband. ‘Unnecessarily?’ she repeated loudly, anger seething from every pore in her body. ‘Because this baby is just collateral damage, right?’

She stood unexpectedly, her back straight as a rod, her voice strong. 'This is _my_ decision, and I've made it' she said before turning to exit the room, leaving Neal and Dr. Franklin staring at each other in disbelief.

Once the door had been slammed behind her, Dr. Franklin’s eyes met Neal’s, cast down on the ground, both men astonished at the dramatic exit.

'I take it you've discussed this possibility?' the doctor asked Neal.

Neal looked at him, nodding. 'At length… Dr. Franklin, I can’t let Sara go through with this. I’ll never be able to live with myself if... if she gets sick again.’

Dr. Franklin stood and made his way around to the other side of his desk, sitting on the edge directly in front of Neal. ‘Neal, everybody tolerates risk at a different level...’ he began.

Neal scoffed, thinking back to all the risks he’d taken in his life without thinking twice about the consequences. He wasn’t prepared to gamble that way with Sara’s life.

‘What can I do?’ Neal asked, growing increasingly emotional.

‘I’m afraid neither one of us can do much, Neal. Sara is a very strong, very determined young woman who knows her own mind’ Dr. Franklin observed.

Neal laughed bitterly. ‘You don’t know the half of it.’

‘Well, ultimately this is _her_ body we’re talking about and I have to respect her wishes even if I believe it is not the best course of action. As her doctor, I am doing my due diligence by giving her the most accurate information so she can make a decision on how she wants to proceed.’

‘But Dr. Franklin, we have a 16-month-old daughter at home and if Sara has this baby, she could be leaving me with two young children to raise on my own’ Neal said, his voice faltering. ‘I can’t imagine my life without her.’

Dr. Franklin stood and put a hand on Neal’s shoulder. ‘I’m very sorry, Neal. Why don’t we give Sara a few days to think things over and schedule another appointment for next week and revisit this?’

Neal nodded. 'If Sara _does_ change her mind, when would she need to start treatment?'

'I would give her another couple of weeks to fully recover from the surgery’ he began. ‘The recommended treatment is once every three weeks, repeated six times. I won’t lie, Neal, the treatment is brutal but it _is_ effective. We've gotten excellent results with this protocol and I believe Sara's prognosis would be greatly improved if she were to go ahead with it. But I repeat, it can be very rough. Side effects include muscle aches, loss of appetite, nausea, vomiting, hair loss, fatigue… I realize it is not a pretty picture but I believe, in Sara's case, it is a temporary and necessary evil.'

Neal prepared to leave, wondering where Sara had run off to. ‘Sara's tough. If she decides this is what she wants, I know she can get through it. Thank you doctor' Neal said, rising and shaking the man’s hand.

‘Neal…’ the man said as Neal reached the door. ‘I can see how much you love your wife and how heartbreaking this decision is. If you’ll allow me one word of advice… however this plays out, don’t let it come between the two of you. She’s going to need your support either way.’

WCWCWC

Neal made his way to the car park, his eyes peeled as he searched for his wife. Whenever they had disagreements, it was typical of her to go off on her own in order to calm down and Neal wondered if she’d taken a cab home or was simply lurking nearby, fuming.

He made it all the way to the car park, relieved to find Sara sitting in the car, waiting for him. 

The moment he stepped into the car, he could see she was livid, her eyes practically jumping out of their sockets.

'You _totally_ undermined me in front of the doctor' she said loudly as Neal settled behind the wheel.

He turned to try to placate her and jumped back in surprise as she hit him across the chest without restraint, unable to contain her anger. 

Her unexpected gesture of hostility brought out a sudden anger in Neal and he turned to face her, countering without hesitation. 'If loving you and discussing ways to keep you alive is undermining you, so be it. That was not my intention' he responded curtly.

Sara turned away, staring out the window as Neal pulled out of the parking lot. He replayed the short exchange in his mind, realizing his tone had been rather abrupt and, hoping to get them back to a place of dialogue, he reached out to take her hand.

Sara was having none of it and she pulled away, unwilling to make eye contact with him

‘Babe...’ he said, hoping to bring her back.

But she was not open to his overture and by the time they’d picked up Hope at the sitter’s and returned home, she still hadn’t said a word.

By dinner, Sara still hadn’t thawed and she sat playing in the family room with Hope while Neal got a start on the meal prep. Knowing Sara Ellis as he did, it would do no good to keep picking at the scab. The woman would need time and space before they could resume a calm and rational conversation and he began peeling potatoes as he replayed the events of the afternoon. Had he pushed her too far? Was it selfish of him to ask her to give up this baby for a chance at a longer life? Neal had always wanted a second baby – at first, even more so than Sara had. But he’d been blinded by his fear of a future without her and had not allowed himself to fully explore his feelings about the pregnancy he was now campaigning to bring an end to. 

Pregnancy hormones were coursing through Sara’s body and he couldn’t even imagine what that was like. As a father to be, he remembered the joy and excitement he’d felt as he watched his wife’s body change and the baby grew inside her but he could never fully understand what a woman would feel – the changes to her body, the baby moving as it grew. He glanced at her again as she sat next to Hope, running a hand through her hair and smiling as Hope pointed to something in the book they were reading. 

He thought back to a time, shortly after Hope’s birth, when Sara had confessed her feelings of guilt at having entertained the notion of an abortion early on in her pregnancy. Before they had made the decision to raise the baby together, Sara had briefly considered ending her pregnancy. She and Neal were not in a committed relationship at the time and she feared she would be left alone to raise a child, something she didn’t feel capable of doing. That guilt had eaten away at her well after Hope’s birth and now Neal wondered if she might be trying to make up for that situation from her past. Of course, the circumstances were totally different and any clear thinking person would understand that a termination in Sara’s present situation was a perfectly acceptable course of action. But maybe, somewhere in her hormonally clouded mind, she thought she could make up for her past by not turning her back on this baby, no matter what.

He glanced over at the two of them once again; that was his whole life, right there sitting on that couch. Overcome with sentiment, he made his way over to the family room, ruffling Hope's hair.

'Poppa, no' she said in her typical toddler way, not appreciating the distraction from the book they were reading. 

Sara kept her eyes down, still unable to forgive her husband for what she deemed was an act of betrayal. Neal could still feel the pain and anger radiating off her and he fought back the urge to _make_ her look at him, to let him hold her.

They ate as a family and Neal and Sara kept the conversation to a minimum, focussing on Hope and her uncanny way of making them laugh. Sara insisted on giving Hope her bath and by the time Neal went upstairs after tidying the kitchen, he found the two of them curled up on Hope’s bed, Sara reading one of Hope’s favourites, _The Velveteen Rabbit_. He watched from the bedroom door as Sara cradled their daughter, speaking softly, lovingly, a sight he would have thought impossible just a few years back. 

By the time he was ready for bed, Sara still hadn’t reappeared so Neal climbed up to their bedroom in search of her. He found her right where he’d last seen her, curled up against Hope, hand on her stomach as she slept next to their daughter with the open book on her lap.

Once again, he thought of everything the two of them represented for him – salvation from his previous life which had seemed so exciting and glamorous at the time but was in fact so empty and shallow. He swallowed hard, feeling the lump in his throat, praying he’d find the right words to say to connect with her again.

‘Sara… honey…’ he whispered softly as he shook her awake. 'Come to bed.'

She opened her eyes, half way, his gentle face hovering over her. 'I'm good here' she said in a tone that left no room for negotiation.

He reluctantly covered her body with Hope's bedspread and kissed her forehead, sadly retreating to their bedroom – alone. In the whole time they had been together, they had never gone to bed angry or slept apart and it took Neal a long time to settle down and finally find sleep. 

In Hope's room, Sara stared up at the ceiling, her daughter’s warm body against her. She hated shutting Neal out but she needed to work this out for herself. He had no idea what she was going through. How could he? She gazed over at her sleeping daughter and once again the pangs of guilt hit her. How could she have even considered not having this beautiful little girl in her life? More than a year after her birth, she still agonized about how close she had come to terminating her pregnancy. If Neal hadn't convinced her to keep the baby, she most certainly would have gone through with it. She couldn’t possibly imagine her life without Hope and now, she couldn't fathom walking away from this innocent baby which she and Neal had wanted so badly. 

She thought back to what Dr. Franklin had said earlier. She had to make the right decision this time and she needed to work this out so that she would have no regrets.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

Neal woke disoriented, searching for his usual anchor in the bed beside him and coming up empty. The events of the previous day came flooding back and he was suddenly aware of sounds coming from downstairs:Sara’s soft voice as she spoke to their daughter, likely in the kitchen from the smell of toast Neal detected wafting through the air.

Earlier in the week, they’d discussed the possibility of him going in to the White Collar offices. The search warrant Peter had obtained had yielded documents showing that Smirle Pharmaceuticals had a shortage of the raw materials needed to manufacture some of the drugs but Peter continued to have his suspicions. Neal was eager to help out and in light of the events of the previous day, it seemed like a good time to pull away from the intensity on the home front for a few hours and check in with the gang at the Federal Building.

He showered, dressed in a suit and tie and made his way downstairs, smiling as he heard Hope giggling loudly. Sara’s eyes met his briefly and she turned away, obviously still smarting from the events from the previous day.

‘You going in to the office?’ she asked flatly, her eyes still on Hope who sat in her high chair, playing happily.

‘Is that still okay with you?’ he asked, making his way closer.

‘Yeah, we’ll be fine. Won’t we Hope?’ Sara said as she ruffled her daughter’s hair.

‘I can be back by lunch’ he said, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake by leaving them alone.

He hadn’t left Sara on her own with Hope since her surgery but she’d been feeling stronger and now was probably the best time to make himself scarce – at least for a while.

‘No rush. We’ll be fine, Neal’ she said emphatically.

‘Well, I was thinking we could take a little stroll through the children’s exhibit at the Metropolitan this afternoon’ Neal said, directing his comments to Hope.

The child stared at her dad, not quite getting the gist of what he was saying.

‘You want to go to the _museum_ , sweet pea?’ he asked, this time eliciting a joyful squeal from his little girl.

‘Seum!’ she repeated, a word she knew quite well from previous visits she’d made there with her parents.

‘All right then! It’s a date’ Neal said, placing a kiss on Hope’s head as she tapped excitedly on her high chair. ‘When Daddy comes home, we’ll go visit the museum. Be a good girl for Mommy.’

He moved closer to Sara, hoping for a kiss – a small glimmer of hope that things would eventually get back to normal. The best he got was her outstretched cheek, accepting the kiss he deposited there without turning to smack him – which in light of how she’d been behaving, was decidedly a good sign. Neal reluctantly headed out; if he couldn’t do any good at home, the best he could hope for was to help the team bring down the crooks at Smirle Pharmaceuticals.

WCWCWC

The pharmaceutical company had begun to charge exorbitant fees for two of the chemotherapy drugs for which they held the patent and some hospitals had begun to cancel treatments due to shortages, putting lives at risk. The documents they’d provided to the FBI seemed nice and clean and in Peter’s opinion were totally bogus and Neal was itching to get in there and prove that the shortage was a sham.

He arrived at the White Collar offices, looking a little worse for wear and headed up to Peter's office. The FBI agent watched Neal climb up the short staircase from the bullpen, looking like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

By the time Neal made it all the way up, Peter was standing in the doorway to his office, ready to welcome him.

‘Hey!’ he called out.

‘Good morning’ Neal replied, doing his best to sound upbeat.

Peter was dying to know how things had gone at Sara’s doctor’s appointment and once the men were settled across from each other, he blurted out the question.

Neal shrugged. ‘Not… great’ he said, weighing his words. ‘Sara’s got it in her head she wants to have the baby.’

Peter’s eyes grew in surprise. ‘And not have chemo?’

Neal nodded. ‘The doctor made it clear it was a risky decision but… well, you know Sara.’

'So, where do you go from here?' asked Peter.

'I don't know’ Neal said, sounding pensive. ‘Right now, Sara's barely speaking to me...'

Peter could sense Neal’s anguish.‘And if she doesn’t have the treatments?’

Neal shrugged, his head tilted to one side. ‘Dr. Franklin says there’s a sixty percent chance of recurrence in the first year…’

Peter frowned in response. ’Look, Neal,if you'd rather go home and be with Sara, I can handle this by myself – ‘

‘Like I said, we’re barely speaking. She needs some time to work this out. And I could use a distraction.’

‘All right’ Peter said, changing the mood. 'I was thinking we could start by paying Smirle Pharmaceuticals a visit. I got an appointment with the CEO, Jonathan Dwyer. I thought I could lean on him, see if I can get anywhere. We didn't get anything from their official records. I'm thinking there may be some 'unofficial' records floating around. So, what do you say? You up for a little snooping?’

Neal was already on his feet. ‘You know I am’ he said, in full work mode.

Peter handed him the case file, pointing to the list of drugs which were being held back. 'There's a third drug that's now being rationed: Crobaplatin – another cancer drug. They actually cancelled some scheduled treatments at Sloan-Kettering last week.'

Neal’s ears perked up at the mention of the hospital he was getting to know better than he ever intended to. The name of the drug was familiar too – he glanced at the list before his eyes.

'Wait a minute, that's one of the drugs Sara’s supposed to be taking' he commented. 'They've actually cancelled treatments?'

'Well, the hospital says it's only cancelling non life-threatening cases but if the drug doesn't become available soon, there are going to be sick people... and lawsuits, no doubt’ Peter commented.

'So how much is Smirle selling this stuff for?'

'About ten times the usual cost; they're making a killing. Most hospitals are still buying a fair amount of the drugs. They can't afford to have angry, sick people taking them to court. But the hospitals can only do that for so long before it becomes a budget issue.’

'So, what's the angle?' said Neal. 'How can we prove what they're up to?'

'Well, Smirle claims that they can't get hold of some of the raw materials they need to manufacture those drugs’ Peter said as he handed Neal a list of drug components. ‘Unless we can prove that's false or we can find a stash of these raw materials or the actual drugs, we can't prove a thing.'

‘Well’ Neal said with a twinkle in his eye. ‘I think it’s time we do a little _investigating._ ’

WCWCWC

Smirle Pharmaceutical’s head office was located on a large campus with several buildings including a warehouse, admin offices and research labs. As soon as they arrived, Neal got to work looking for an in to the company's computer system.

The main building which housed the administrative offices had a large lobby with a staff cafeteria off to one side. Peter and Neal headed there in an effort to scope the place out, grabbing a cup of coffee on the way and settling in at a small table near a group of uniformed men. The men were on break, sharing outlandish anecdotes about online dating. The laughter was loud and the stories grew risqué.

Neal raised an eyebrow as he glanced at his partner and stood to address the group. Peter knew that look and he couldn’t help but smile, preparing to enjoy the show while Neal worked his usual Caffrey magic.

‘Excuse me’ Neal said as he leaned in between two of the men. ‘I have a meeting with Rosemary Johns. Would you guys happen to know where her office is?’

Peter frowned as he eavesdropped; where had Neal even picked up that name?

‘Yeah’ said one of the guys. ‘She’s up on the fifth floor; just ask at reception up there.’

‘Thanks so much’ Neal answered as he lay a hand on the man’s shoulder in a friendly gesture. ‘You guys have a great day.’

Peter frowned as Neal signalled him to follow him out of the cafeteria, not quite sure what Neal had accomplished but knowing the seemingly innocuous exchange had yielded some sort of information. 

‘What was _that_?’ he asked as he followed Neal out.

Neal surreptitiously lifted his hand, a Smirle Pharmaceuticals IT identification badge in his hand.

‘Now, all I need is a uniform and bam, I'm...' he glanced down at the badge 'Jeffrey Hines, IT technician.'

WCWCWC

Peter was escorted into the boardroom to meet with the company's CEO. He wanted to get a read on the man; he could spot a crook a mile away and his radar rarely malfunctioned.

Meanwhile, Neal made his way to the bowels of the building. Upon flashing his badge at the in house dry cleaning facility, Neal was handed a beige monstrosity of a uniform by a very friendly guy by the name of Hector whose job it was to keep all those Smirle employees looking crisp and fresh in their company uniforms.

By the time Peter had disappeared into his meeting with the CEO, Neal was making his way into the executive suites and to the desk of the man’s lovely assistant. He did a double take, noticing his wedding band on his left hand; it wouldn’t do him much good in light of what he needed to do and he made quick work of removing it and sticking it into his pocket for safe keeping.

'Hi... Megan' he said, a luminous smile on his face – thank God for name tags. 

The woman looked up, her eyes sparkling at the sight of the gorgeous man who stood before her – even Neal Caffrey could make a dull, lifeless beige uniform look good.

'I'm Jeff from IT’ Neal lied, smile still firmly in place. He threw in a wink for good measure. ‘We're updating one of your programs and I need to have a look at your computer.'

Neal had never lost the ability to turn on the charm with the ladies although, as a married man, he didn't make use of his god-given gift quite as often. Truth be told, it was like riding a bike...

The pretty young blond woman stood, willingly giving up her chair to the newcomer.

'Hi Jeff’ she said, smiling demurely. ‘I don't think we've ever met.’

'No, we haven't' said Neal, flashing his perfect teeth and maintaining that all important eye contact. ‘I would definitely remember you if we had.’

She giggled at his comment – how come she’d never seen this guy around?'Well, maybe we could go for coffee when you’re done' she said, flirting right back, matching him smile for smile.

'Tell you what' Neal crooned, with a charismatic grin. 'I just _took_ a break but if you go get us a couple of coffees, no one would know I'm taking a few extra minutes...' he said, letting her imagination run wild.

Megan smiled knowingly and nodded as she took off on her quest for coffee and before he knew it, Neal was seated at her desk with access to all the company files. He looked around – the offices were quiet – and he took a moment to familiarize himself with the layout of the company's program files before plugging in the names of the raw materials that had supposedly been in short supply in the making of the drugs. He glanced around furtively before pressing the ‘print’ button on the keyboard and in the wink of an eye, he was holding a list in his hands, potential proof that could finally put the higher ups at Smirle Pharmaceuticals behind bars.

By the time Megan returned carrying two fresh cups of coffee, Neal was long gone. 

He sat in the car waiting for Peter, reading over the long list in his hands. It held the names of the drug components, the quantities on hand and their location in the company’s warehouse. He looked up as Peter slipped in behind the wheel.

'Got it' he said with a satisfied smirk.

TBC


	15. Chapter 15

'So?' Peter asked as they slowly made their way back to the Federal Building.

'It says here there's a stash of diacete, benzolate and taccus bataca in their warehouse' Neal said as he read from the report he'd printed off.

'Let's get back to the office and compare it to the official report they sent over earlier' Peter said as he glanced over at Neal, both of them looking very smug and pleased with themselves.

'You know, this list was obtained illegally' Peter continued. 'We're going to need to get eyes on the actual stuff if we want charges to stick.'

He could see Neal's eyes twinkling, no doubt already thinking of ways to get the needed proof. He was still wearing the Smirle uniform, detracting somewhat from his usual style and yet, Peter had to admit, Neal still looked good – no matter what he was wearing.

'Where's your wedding band?' he asked as he spotted Neal's bare hand skimming the report.

Neal frowned, reaching into his pocket to retrieve the precious item. 'Last thing I want to do is lose _this_ ' he said as he slipped it back on. 'It's weird how when I first got married, it took me forever to get used to wearing a ring and now, I feel so naked without it...'

Peter smiled in commiseration. 'I take it you had to use your Caffrey charm to get your hands on that thing' he commented, pointing to the incriminating report.

Neal gave him a small devilish smile and a shrug, declining to answer.

'You sure you're okay?' Peter asked, as silence descended upon them.

'Yeah, I'm fine. I _really_ want to get these guys Peter. What they're doing... it's disgusting. I want to nail their sorry asses to the wall.'

'I hear you' answered Peter.

WCWCWC

It was almost noon by the time Neal drove up the quiet suburban street and into his driveway. He could hear Hope laughing loudly in the distance and from the echoing sound, he guessed she was in the backyard with Sara. He opened the small gate by the side of the garage and made his way to the back of the house where he found his wife and daughter.

They had only lived in the house for six months but the previous owners had seen fit to leave them a beautiful garden with flowering plants and perennials which Neal had already taken a liking to. The yard was large and the first thing Neal and Sara had done was purchase a swing set and sandbox for Hope to play in. As Neal got closer, he could hear adult voices and he peeked around the corner, spying Sara sitting on the deck with their neighbour, Donna Mason.

'Hi!' he called out as he got within earshot.

'Neal, hi!' said Donna, smiling back at him. 'Olivia kept asking if she could play with Hope so I thought we'd pop in and say hi.'

Neal could see the girls playing in the sandbox, giggling as they always did in each other's presence. Hope looked up, spotting her dad and toddled over, calling for him.

'Poppa! Poppa!' she said excitedly as she reached him and grabbed for his pant leg.

'Hey sweet pea!' he exclaimed as he scooped her up, hugging her. She was the one constant for Neal as he and Sara navigated through this rough period and he felt her innocence and spontaneity sweep over him, washing away his worries - at least momentarily. She wriggled out of his grasp, pointing insistently towards the sandbox in an effort to get him to come over and see something. The women watched as Neal carried her over and crouched down to see what wonderful things the girls had been up to.

'Hi Olivia' they heard him say from a distance.

Sara watched in wonder. Neal was an incredible dad, loving, gentle, kind and she absolutely loved watching him interact with Hope. Although her road to discovering the wonders of parenthood had been long and tortuous, Neal had fallen into the role almost immediately and so naturally. She watched as his face lit up in response to something Hope said, the carefully crafted conman smile of years ago all but disappeared. These days, Neal’s smiles were genuine and spontaneous and she loved him all the more for always giving the best of himself to their little girl.

'You guys look like you're really enjoying your new house' Donna said as she sat alongside Sara on the deck.

'It's certainly different from living in Manhattan, that’s for sure' Sara answered. 'But we're loving it. There's room for Hope to play and the commute isn't really all that bad' she said as she glanced over at the small strawberry patch Neal had insisted on planting. Who knew the great Neal Caffrey’s magic hands would extend to a love of gardening.

'Well, if you need anything at all, let me know. Hope's welcome at our place anytime if you have any more doctors' appointments or anything...' the woman said as she stood to leave.

'Thanks Donna. And thanks for coming over and introducing yourself – Neal mentioned he’d seen you and Olivia at the park but I'm really glad to meet you in person.'

Donna smiled, calling Olivia over as they prepared to leave. Unbeknownst to Sara, she had just made a new friend for life.

WCWCWC

Their afternoon outing to the children's exhibit at the Met was wonderful, just what they all needed to forget about the stress of the last few weeks. Although Sara still hadn't said much of anything, she was looking more relaxed and nowhere near as upset or angry as she'd been the night before. Neal dared to hope it was a sign that they might be discussing the hot button issue sometime soon; one thing was certain, they couldn't leave things as they were.

Hope thrived at the museum, running around from one piece of art to the next and Neal grinned at the sight of his daughter so at home in such a setting. Although she wasn't yet two years old, she was already showing signs of following in her dad's footsteps – if not as a conman, at least as an artist.

By the time dinner rolled around, Neal actually caught a glimpse of Sara laughing as Hope clowned around and he took that as a sign she was finally starting to thaw and that, hopefully, he wouldn't be spending another night alone in their bed.

He insisted Sara relax while he gave Hope her bath and tucked her in for the night and by the time he finally made it back downstairs shortly after 8:00, he found her snoozing on the couch in the family room.

Neal gave her a gentle nudge as he sat down next to her, noticing the cup of tea she'd prepared for him. He took a sip and turned to face her, pleased to see that Sara's eyes were no longer avoiding his.

'You want to talk about it?' he asked tentatively.

Sara nodded and sighed; she was finally ready to resume the painful discussion they'd started the night before. 

'I'm sorry I didn't come to bed last night' she said, searching Neal's eyes.

'You were mad...' Neal said with a shrug.

'Still...' she responded, curling her legs up underneath her. 'None of this is your fault and I don't want it to come between us.'

'Neither do I' Neal whispered as he took her hand in his. 'I _hate_ it when we argue.'

He’d been fighting the urge to touch her for weeks now, first because of her fragile condition following her surgery and later... well, to avoid becoming attached to the baby he believed would never survive. Seeing her face now, so open and full of love, he couldn't control his impulses any longer and his hand dropped to gently caress her stomach as Sara's eyes filled with tears.

'I'm sorry I've been so... distant' he said as he gently rubbed her belly. 'I guess I was afraid to let myself get excited about having this baby.'

She nodded in understanding.

'He's real, Neal' she said placing her hand on top of his as he continued caressing her stomach. '...and we've wanted him for a long time. He's counting on us to do the right thing...no matter how hard it is.'

She could see Neal's eyes glistening as he gave in to the sheer intimacy of the moment, his defences crumbling. 'The way I've been behaving...' he began. 'Sara, you need to know... it's not because I don't want this baby. I just couldn't... I couldn't give in to those feelings knowing that we wouldn't get to keep him.'

'But we _can_ ' Sara said as he nodded.

Of course, she was right. They _could_ keep the baby... but at a price. Neal just hoped that price wouldn't be too high.

'Are you sure about this, Repo? There's so much at stake here if you don't go through with the treatments' he said lovingly.

She wiped the tear which had spilled over onto her cheek and she nodded. 'Neal, I'll never be able to live with myself if I don't see this pregnancy through.'

He stared at her for a moment, taking in the look on her face, the love and longing in her eyes.

'Honey, is this because of what happened with Hope when you first got pregnant?' he asked, a question which had been troubling him for days.

Her eyes widened as she took in his question. 'Maybe... a little bit. But, Neal, what would our lives be like if we didn't have Hope? What if I'd decided to have an abortion back then?'

'But you didn't' Neal responded spontaneously. He grew silent for a moment, weighing his words carefully. 'Baby, this situation is _totally_ different. You're fighting for your life here' he explained, his hand running gently up and down her knuckles.

Sara shook her head; she was _not_ going to change her mind and Neal knew it. He could keep trying to convince her to give up the baby but ultimately, she would end up resenting him for it and he wasn't prepared to lose her over this. Suddenly, things became clear; there was only one solution if he wanted to keep their relationship from suffering irreparable damage. He took a deep breath before speaking, realizing the impact of what he was about to say.

'All right then' he said, resigned, as he looked into her tearful eyes. 'We'll do this _together_. How about we talk it over with Dr. Franklin...maybe when you get past the first trimester, you can safely start on some of the medication.'

Sara let out a huge sigh of relief as her hands went to his face, holding it in place as tears threatened to fall from Neal's eyes and she kissed his eyelids, one after the other, overcome by his love for her and his commitment to their unborn child.

'Thank you' she said simply as Neal's breathing faltered.

Suddenly, overcome with emotion, he let his head fall into her lap, his face snuggled up against her belly and he began kissing her invisible baby bump, over and over and over again.

WCWCWC

Neal lay on his back, thankful to have Sara back in bed with him where she belonged, her warm body curled up against his. She had finally drifted off and he could feel the tension leaving her body as she finally let go of all the anguish she'd been carrying around for the past few weeks. He replayed the conversation they'd just had and the compromise they had finally arrived at. He had come to the realization that if he kept pushing Sara to have a termination, their relationship would be permanently damaged and he wasn't ready to go there, no matter what the consequences might be. Maybe Dr. Franklin would have another suggestion for them – surely Sara wasn't the first pregnant woman who needed chemo; somewhere, there had to be another way and Neal was determined to find it.

He moved his hand back and forth against Sara's belly, imagining what lay under the surface, out of sight. At least for now, this baby they had longed for was safe in her womb and Neal felt the emotion rising in his chest at the thought of a new baby, the result of the love he and Sara shared. In such extreme circumstances, it was incredible to think that this little person had fought to hang on to life, against all odds.

Sara moaned softly as she turned on the bed and Neal followed, spooning her, his hand returning to her warm belly.Seven weeks... Neal tried to recall what he'd read about the baby’s development at this stage. His heart would already be beating and if he remembered correctly from their first go around, the fetus was about the size of a blueberry although the arms and legs were already starting to sprout.... no wonder they called this the miracle of life.

WCWCWC

Neal woke to Sara moaning in her sleep, wondering if she might be having a bad dream.

'Sara?' he said softly, trying to wake her as she continued moaning. There was no response as the soft moan escalated to a groan and Sara stirred restlessly beside him. 

‘Awww’ he heard as he suddenly felt wetness up along the leg he’d slipped in behind her, snug against her body.

‘Honey, what’s wrong?’ he asked as he pulled away momentarily. 

‘It hurts’ she complained, suddenly out of breath. Although she’d had some residual tenderness following the operation, this sharp, stabbing pain was nothing like the familiar dull ache she’d come to know.

Her breathing seemed to falter and Neal reached over to turn on the bedside lamp, anxious to see what the problem was. By the time he turned around, Sara was sitting up, her face horrified as she looked down at the blood soaked sheets on the bed.

‘NEAL!’ she cried out as her mind clued in to what was happening.

‘Oh, my God!’ Neal responded as he took stock of the situation.

She bent over in pain as she began to cry although it wasn’t clear whether she was reacting to the pain or the situation.

'I've got to get you to the hospital' Neal said unnecessarily as he sat up in bed, one arm around his wife.

His mind was racing as he tried to focus on what needed to be done first. Hope... someone needed to stay with Hope.... Keeping one arm around a sobbing Sara, he reached for the phone by the bed, noticing it was past 2:00 in the morning.

‘Peter!’ he blurted out without any preliminaries as his best friend answered, groggy. ‘I’ve got to get Sara to the hospital.’

‘I’ll be right there’ came the answer as if it was the most natural thing in the world for Neal to be calling him in the middle of the night with such distressing news.

Neal returned his full attention to Sara as she grimaced, obviously in pain. He pulled back the duvet to better assess the situation as Sara averted her eyes, unwilling to look at what she knew with certainty was happening.

‘Let me check your incision, just to make sure’ he said as Sara continued to cry softly. 

As he said the words, he knew that only one thing could be causing this much bleeding and it wasn’t the incision which he knew all too well was all but completely healed.

‘It’s _not_ my incision’ Sara blubbered as the reality of what was happening finally hit home. Neal’s arm was still around her shoulder and Sara just melted against him as the sobbing intensified, the devastation finally setting in.

He held her against him for a moment, realizing he couldn’t leave her like this, sitting in a pool of blood.

'Honey, let's get you cleaned up a bit, okay?' he said patiently as he pulled away in order to make his way over to her side of the bed.

Sara’s face was ashen, frown lines appearing on her forehead, her body shaking uncontrollably. Her eyes met his and he could see the total desolation there as she began to realize the finality of what was happening.

‘The baby, Neal... the baby’ she moaned as he sat her up on the edge of the bed, eager to get her off the ruined sheets.

‘I know, sweetie, I know’ he said as he supported her and gently pulled her to her feet.

They went into the bathroom together and he helped her get cleaned up, wiping her tears as he went, stopping every few seconds to hold her against him as she faltered, overcome by the loss.

‘Everything’s going to be okay’ he kept repeating although he _knew_ that was a lie; things would never again quite be the same.

They returned to their bedroom and Neal got her dressed, Sara now sitting there impassively, shock obviously setting in. He guided her over to the armchair by the bed, sitting her down as she stared ahead, no longer crying, just sitting there, her breathing shallow. Neal threw on some clothes and proceeded to tend to the mess, cleaning up the worst of it, removing the mattress cover and changing the sheets on the bed, trying not to think about it as he dropped the sullied sheets with the last remnants of their unborn baby on the floor by the bed.

He ran into Hope’s room, relieved to find her sleeping with her thumb firmly in her little heart shaped mouth; thankfully, she was oblivious to what was happening around her.He closed the door to her bedroom behind him and went back to collect Sara who startled when he walked back in, staring up at him with vacant eyes.

‘Come on, honey. We’ve got to get you downstairs’ Neal said as he pulled her to her feet, supporting her weight as he walked to the staircase. 

By the time they made it all the way down, Peter and Elizabeth were arriving, having made the trip from Brooklyn in record time – although time seemed like a very abstract notion at the moment. 

Elizabeth and Neal exchanged looks of concern as he held up a catatonic Sara who continued to stare ahead with tears silently running down her face.

‘Do you want one of us to come with you?’ Peter asked as Neal hesitated, obviously not thinking as clearly as he might have otherwise.

Elizabeth stepped in to make the decision. ‘Go, honey. Go with him and I’ll stay with Hope’ she said decisively.

The drive to White Plains Hospital was a total blur with Neal thankful to have someone other than himself behind the wheel as he tended to his wife in the back seat. She wasn’t crying anymore and that worried him even more; she was in shock and despite the warm summer night, she shook uncontrollably in his arms.

Within minutes, Sara was lying in an emergency room bed with Neal by her side, waiting for a doctor to come by and examine her. She had been given something for the pain which seemed to help and she had calmed down considerably now that the shock was beginning to wear off. Now that he had gotten her through the crisis, Neal seemed to be the one reacting; he could feel his body shaking uncontrollably as he tried valiantly to keep up appearances for Sara’s sake.

They sat, his hand holding hers as if to anchor himself and they waited in silence for someone to come and check on them – a wait which was thankfully short.

‘Mr. and Mrs. Caffrey? I'm Dr. Birchard' said the young man who appeared moments later. ‘What seems to be the problem?'

Sara spoke up, her voice calm and controlled and Neal stared back, surprised at seeing his wife returning to her former lucid self.'I just had a miscarriage' she stated without emotion.

'How far along were you?' the doctor asked as he jotted down the information.

'Just short of seven weeks' answered Sara, her breathing unsteady. ‘But a little more than two weeks ago, I had surgery for ovarian cancer and my left ovary was removed.'

The doctor stared back at her, incredulous. 'You had cancer surgery and the embryo survived for over two weeks? That's unusual, for sure’ he commented as he moved in to examine her.

Neal moved away, standing at the foot of the bed as he watched Dr. Birchard remove the sheet covering his wife and proceed to check her out, palpating her stomach as he went. 

‘Try to relax’ the doctor said, something that was easier said than done.‘Considering your surgery, I think it would be wise to do a D & C.'

'A D & C?' Neal repeated, not familiar with the acronym. 

'It's short for dilation and curettage. We go in and make sure there is no debris left from the pregnancy. We do this by aspiration. It's a common procedure and since you had surgery just a couple of weeks ago, it would be wise, in my opinion, to make sure nothing is left on the uterine wall that could contribute to infection.'

Neal and Sara exchanged confused looks. She’d just been through so much already and Neal felt it was his job to act as advocate, not wanting her to go through any more procedures that weren’t absolutely necessary.

'Shouldn’t we talk to Sara's oncologist, first?' he asked, not wanting to make any hasty decisions that could be to Sara's detriment.

'Who _is_ your doctor?' Dr. Birchard asked Sara as she lay there, colour slowly returning to her face.

'Dr. Franklin, Gerard Franklin' said Sara, looking worried.

'Oh, Dr. Franklin. He has privileges at this hospital. Let me try to contact his service and see if I can have a chat with him. Are you comfortable for the time being? Are you in any pain?’

'No' said Sara – unless he meant was her heart breaking in which case the answer would be quite different.

'I'll be back in a minute' the doctor said as Neal swooped back in, anxious to take Sara’s hand in his once again.

He took a seat on the edge of the bed and studied Sara’s features; she seemed calm, resigned and all of a sudden, he felt overwhelmed by a sense of loss. This baby, their baby, their son or daughter, who had been safe in Sara's womb just a few hours before was now gone and despite his previous ambivalence,Neal suddenly felt as if a large hole had opened up in his heart. Despite his resolve to stay composed and in control for Sara’s sake, he began to weep as he finally gave in to the despair he’d been fighting so hard to keep in check. 

Sara gave him a sad smile, taking his face in her hands and pulling him in against her, cradling him as he wept softly, setting off another crying jag for Sara. They sat like that for what seemed like minutes, holding each other tenderly and sharing in the unexpected grief. 

After a while, Neal pulled away, staring into Sara’s eyes. 'I hope you know it was _never_ about me not wanting this baby' he said, his voice shaking.

'I know, honey, I know' said Sara reassuringly as she touched his face and wiped a wayward tear. She suddenly felt tired and empty, overwhelmed by the need to close her eyes and rest.

Neal pulled away, his eyes glued to her face as he watched her relax, the sight of those pesky lines disappearing from her forehead and he took a few deep breaths, pulling himself together.

Suddenly, the privacy curtain was pulled open Neal looked up, pleasantly surprised to find a familiar face there. 

'Dr. Franklin!' Neal exclaimed, relieved.

‘Neal! I happened to be here checking up on one of my patients' he said touching Sara's hand and bringing her back from her troubled sleep.

Sara blinked as if to make sure she wasn’t dreaming.Despite all the ups and downs of the last few weeks, she’d begun to develop a relationship of trust with this man and she was reassured to see his face. She thought back to their last encounter and how she’d walked out unexpectedly, rudely one might say.

'About what happened in your office, I'm sorry...' she began as he smiled down compassionately.

'Hey, hey, there’ll be none of that' he interrupted. ‘You're a loving mom; I can understand where you were coming from.'

She smiled at him, grateful for his warm, caring bedside manner.

'Now, let's see what we can do about your current situation, shall we?'

TBC


	16. Chapter 16

Peter sat alongside Neal in the emergency room, hand steady on his back while his best friend sat hunched over, head in his hands. It had been a gruelling day, ending in a most unexpected and distressing way and yet somehow, Neal was still functioning on adrenaline, determined to keep it together for Sara who would soon be recovering from yet another surgical procedure.

Dr. Franklin had been wonderful about explaining the procedure; although short in duration, Sara would have to remain under observation for a few hours before returning home, especially since she had elected to have general anaesthetic. Laying there, fully conscious during the procedure seemed like cruel and unusual punishment considering the circumstances; Sara just wanted to drift away and wake up and have it all be over with.

‘You okay, buddy?’ Peter asked as he gave Neal’s back an encouraging tap.

Neal looked up bleary eyed, prepared to spout out his usual pat answer when he thought better of it and went with the naked truth. ‘No... I’m not’ he said his voice hoarse.

Just a couple of years ago, Neal would have surely opted to hide his vulnerabilities but that had all changed now and frankly, he didn’t know how he could ever cover up the sorrow and grief he was feeling. 

He sat up, running his hand through his disheveled hair and gave Peter a small smile.‘Thanks for being here, Peter’ he said.

‘Hey, where else would I be at three thirty on a Saturday morning?’ Peter answered with a sympathetic smile.

‘You want to hear the irony of it?’ Neal added, his voice barely a whisper.

‘Sara and I had agreed that we’d carry on with the pregnancy and see if we could find another solution. She didn’t want to let the baby go... and I just couldn’t bring myself to pressuring her to do it.’

Peter listened without a word, letting Neal spill his guts out, aware that his best friend would want to be strong when Sara came out of the operating theatre.

Neal laughed sardonically and shook his head. ‘My last thought before falling asleep was which baby names I was going to suggest to Sara...’

He choked up, unable to go on. This unexpected turn of events meant they were back to plan A and that Sara would likely be embarking on those ghastly chemotherapy treatments sooner than later.Right now, all he wanted was to get Sara home and for the two of them to lock the door and hide under the blankets in their cosy bed until this was all over.

Dr. Franklin appeared and stood in front of the men as Neal rose to face the large man.

‘That’s quite a feisty lady you’ve got there’ he began as Neal smiled knowingly. ‘She’s fine. We’re done but I want to keep her in for a few hours to keep an eye on her. You’ll be able to sit with her in a few minutes.’

‘So, how did it go?’ Neal asked.

‘Casebook’ Dr. Franklin responded with a sad smile. ‘Although I realize there’s nothing casebook about losing a baby... She’ll need a couple of days to recover physically but, more importantly, you’ll want to keep an eye on her and see how she reacts. This was _not_ the outcome Sara was hoping for and letting go is always hard – let alone when one is in the throes of cancer treatments.’

Neal nodded and Dr. Franklin realized that this was just as painful for him as it was for his wife. ‘I’ll check in with you later and Neal... I’m very sorry for your loss’ he added as he shook Neal’s hand.

The doctor’s last comment brought a lump to Neal’s throat and he watched as the doctor turned to leave. Peter’s hand on his shoulder was his undoing and he turned towards his best friend’s outstretched arms and promptly fell apart.

WCWCWC

Sara slept peaceful as Neal sat holding her hand. He had managed to pull himself together, prepared to stand stoically by her for the next little while as she regained her strength. She looked serene and so beautiful, her pale skin, her reddish soft curls, her warm mouth. Neal knew that, when she woke, those pesky lines on her forehead would likely be reappearing and that he might be waiting awhile before he finally got a glimpse of one of Sara’s brilliant smiles. The important thing was to be there for her and Hope and to keep his family together through the next little while as they muddled through.In that sense as in so many others, Peter and Elizabeth’s presence in their lives was a godsend and he realized that without Peter to confide in, he would be a puddle of mush. 

There was a brief movement on the bed and Neal’s eyes returned to Sara’s face as her eyes fluttered open and she gave him a small smile.

‘Hey, you’re awake’ Neal said softly as he stood to get a little closer.

He ran his hand through her hair, kissing her forehead as her eyes closed again, her face so pale against the pillow.

‘Is it over?’ she asked without opening her eyes.

‘Everything went well’ he answered, although they both knew that having the remnants of your unborn child aspirated from your body could never be defined as things going well. 

Sara’s eyes opened again, this time with tears threatening. ‘Neal, I want to go home’ she said simply, sounding like a small child.

‘Soon, honey’ he said as he continued to caress her hair. ‘Dr. Franklin just needs to check on you and then I can take you home.’

‘Where’s Peter?’ she asked, suddenly remembering that he had been there earlier.

‘I told him to go back and get some rest. They’ll stay with Hope until we make it back’ Neal explained as Sara nodded.

He waited a moment while Sara looked sadly at him, unsure what words he could possibly utter that might help ease her pain. Instead, he kicked off his shoes and climbed on the bed alongside her, his arms encircling her as she welcomed him beside her, her head up under his chin as he cradled her lovingly.

‘I know it doesn’t feel like it right now’ he whispered as he placed a kiss on the top of her head.‘...but we’ll find a way to get through this.’

WCWCWC

Just past 9:30 on Saturday morning, Neal and Sara made their way up their quiet street. It was a beautiful summer day, the sun shining as kids were out on their bikes and skateboards. It was startling to realize that life continued normally around them despite the hardships which had befallen the Caffrey family. 

As they neared their house, Neal noticed the Burke car was gone; no doubt Peter and Elizabeth had taken Hope out somewhere to give the couple some time alone. The note they found on the kitchen table confirmed that they had taken Hope out for breakfast and that Neal and Sara should call whenever they wanted their daughter returned to them.

Neal helped Sara up the stairs and pulled off the clothes he had haphazardly thrown on her the night before. He glanced on the dresser, noticing a tidy stack of freshly washed sheets and he had an unbidden image of Elizabeth throwing on a load of wash in the middle of the night while Hope slept blissfully, mindful of what they would be going through when they returned. 

He pulled back the bedcovers, glad he had taken the time to change the bed before leaving and tucked Sara in as he prepared to go downstairs to make a pot of coffee. 

‘Don’t go’ Sara whispered in a childlike voice which Neal barely recognized.

Neal removed his pants and shirt and slipped in next to her as she curled up against him, arms tightly wrapped around his waist as if afraid he might slip away if she didn’t hold on tight enough. He tried to control his breathing, to keep it even and he felt her slip away almost immediately, her arms loosening their hold on him. He lay there for a long time, listening to the birds chirping outside their bedroom window, the faraway sounds of the children playing on their quiet street, the sound of his own heart beating madly in his chest. 

After a while, those sounds became a mere backdrop as he finally drifted off.

WCWCWC

By noon, Neal woke to find Sara still sound asleep beside him. He slipped out of bed and made his way to the shower where he stood under the blissfully hot water for what seemed like ages, feeling the weariness wash away. He dressed quietly and made his way downstairs to put on some coffee and put in a call to the Burkes. Having Hope home would no doubt help return things to normal and Peter agreed to drop her off as soon as they were done at the library where they had settled in for Saturday morning story time.

By mid-afternoon, to Neal’s delight, she was back home, lively and energetic, filling the house with laughter and mirth. 

‘Mama!’ she called out as Neal settled her in her highchair for an afternoon snack.

‘Mommy’s having a nap - ’ Neal explained as he was interrupted by the sight of Sara appearing at the bottom of the stairs.

‘Not anymore!’ she announced, sounding lighthearted. 

‘You’re up!’ Neal exclaimed as he hurried over to greet her. 

Sara hugged him warmly, her eyes wandering to Hope who she was obviously thrilled to have back home.

‘Can I get you some coffee?’ Neal whispered in her ear as she nodded appreciatively.

‘Hello sweetheart’ Sara added as she zeroed in on Hope. ‘Did you have fun with Uncle Peter and Aunt Elizabeth?’

‘Poon’ Hope said as she held up her spoon up to show her mom.

‘And where does your spoon go?’ Sara asked as she settled down at the kitchen table next to her daughter.

‘Poon mouth’ Hope answered as she picked up a spoonful of applesauce and brought it to her mouth, missing the mark somewhat and getting a blob on her cheek.

‘Good job’ said Sara with a genuine smile, obviously glad for the distraction.

Neal watched with relief as he poured coffee into Sara’s favourite mug. Somehow – he wasn’t quite sure how, or when – but, somehow they would be all right.

WCWCWC

The next couple of days were spent getting Sara’s strength back and by the middle of the following week, she was feeling much like her old self although on two occasions, Neal had found her weeping quietly when she thought he wasn’t around. He knew that time would eventually heal the wound and he resolved to be there for her and support her in any way he could.

On Tuesday night, the Burkes came to dinner and Neal made his famous linguine with clam sauce.Sara even had a glass of wine, something she hadn’t done in a few months and the foursome chatted late into the evening just like old times. 

Sara could see Neal finally relaxing as he fell into his old familiar banter with Peter. Those two always seemed to ‘get’ each other and whenever Peter was around, Neal was at his best – relaxed, witty and sharp as a tack. Ever since her diagnosis and the subsequent miscarriage, things had been way too serious and sombre and she was enjoying an evening of relaxation with their best friends who had proven time and time again that they would stand by them through thick and thin.

On Wednesday, it was back to business as Neal and Sara found themselves in Dr. Franklin’s office discussing the next steps. It seemed like a lifetime ago since she’d last been there, storming out in a huff. This time they were all on the same page, preparing for the coming months and Sara’s long road to ridding herself of the invisible foe which inhabited her, once and for all.

‘So, when do I start the treatments?’ she asked, resolved that this was happening regardless of whether she was ready or not. 

‘I think you should give yourself another week, week and a half before you get started – get your strength up’ said Dr. Franklin. ‘Have you two given any thought to maybe going away somewhere or doing something special before you get started? You know, once the treatments start, you’ll want to stick close to home and it’s going to be a rough four or five months.’

Neal and Sara looked at each other and shrugged. They hadn’t given that any thought at all – although the suggestion definitely had its appeal. It was mid August, the weather was glorious and before their unfortunate adventure had begun, they had toyed with the idea of renting a cottage for a couple of weeks during the summer. 

Neal thought of the case he’d been working on with Peter; he’d been itching to get back to work especially now that the case had taken such a personal turn. Smirle Pharmaceuticals had recently released just enough of the coveted drugs to throw suspicion off themselves although they continued to charge exorbitant fees for the rationed products. As much as Neal wanted to be a part of the solution, he knew that his place was with Sara – at least for the foreseeable future. 

WCWCWC

‘So, what do you think?’ Neal asked as they lay in bed that night. ‘You want to go away for a few days?’

Sara shrugged; she knew that the next few months would be rough but she didn’t want Hope upset in any way and she didn’t want to be separated from her daughter, not now.

‘Yeah, that’d be nice... but with Hope, right?’

‘Yeah, of course... with Hope’ Neal agreed as he ran his hand lazily up and down her arm. 

‘Moz and I ran a con once up in the Muskokas – near Toronto’ he volunteered. ‘It was beautiful up there... cottage country.’

‘Do you think your face might still be on some wanted posters up there, Caffrey?’ she asked as she jostled him playfully.

‘I doubt it’ he answered with a chuckle. ‘It was pretty lame con and it flopped... besides it was ten years ago.'

‘Ahh’ Sara said knowingly. ‘The famous statute of limitations!’

‘A criminal’s best friend’ Neal answered wryly. 

‘So you don’t think we’ll have any mounted police ride up on horses in their bright red uniforms looking for you?’ she added with a laugh.

‘Mmmm.Probably not’ Neal answered in jest.

‘Okay. Let’s do it. Canadians are friendly...’ Sara said, as she began to feel herself nodding off.

‘I’ll start looking for a place first thing in the morning’ Neal added, his voice faraway as Sara faded.

After a moment, he spoke again.‘This is going to be nice, huh babe?’

Silence filled the room as Neal realized Sara had already fallen asleep. He squeezed her tight, kissing the top of her head. 

‘Sweet dreams, Repo’ he whispered.

TBC


	17. Chapter 17

'And what's _that_?' Neal asked, his voice animated as Hope sat, fidgeting on her potty.

'Dog-gie' she squealed.

'Woof woof' Neal added playfully as he pointed to the dog in the book he was holding.

'Sach!' Hope added with delight.

'That's right! _Satchmo_ is a dog' Neal responded with an encouraging smile.

'And what about _this_?' he asked excitedly as he pointed to the image on the next page.

'Kit-tie' she answered, clapping her hands in glee.

'It's a kitty cat. Good job, baby' Neal said with a satisfied grin.

Neal turned the page again, this time revealing a large frog.

'What about _this_ one?' he asked.

Hope looked up at her dad with a puzzled look on her face - this was a new one for her.

'Look at his big brown eyes! This is a _frog'_ he explained as she smiled. 'Ribbit, ribbit!'

'Fog' she repeated gleefully as the tinkling sound was heard over her giggles.

Victory!

'Yay!' whispered Neal as Hope concentrated hard to finish peeing. Neal handed her a piece of toilet paper and watched as she struggled to wipe her tiny bum.

'Like this' he said as he directed her hand to the appropriate place and helped with the difficult task.

'Let's wash your hands and you can go tell Mommy that you peed in the potty' Neal suggested as he pulled up her training pants and helped her on with the rest of her clothes.

The whole toilet training thing was still new and Hope was on the young end of the spectrum for such an undertaking but Neal and Sara had noticed that she hated having a wet diaper so whenever they noticed she was dry, they'd started sitting her on the potty for a few minutes to see what happened. When she'd accidentally peed the first time and she'd seen the positive reaction she'd gotten, she was more than eager to do it over and over again and whenever she asked if she could read a book on the small potty, her parents were happy to oblige.

'Mama! Mama!' he heard her screaming as she escaped his clutches and ran into their bedroom.

Sara sat up in bed, staring down at the screen from the laptop Neal had brought up for her as Hope came barreling in.

'Mama!' Hope yelled as she prepared to jump on the bed.

'Whoa, whoa!' said Neal as he caught up with her, just in time. 'No jumping on Mommy, remember?'

Hope squirmed out of his arms and crawled onto the bed, curling up next to her mom, anxious to see what she was staring at so intently. 

'Did you go pee on the potty?' Sara asked, excited, as Hope nodded enthusiastically. 'Good job, honey!'

Hope's eyes moved to the picture of the cottage Sara had been staring at for the past five minutes and she pointed to the image, a question mark in her eyes.

'Do you want to go a cottage?' Sara asked as Hope stared blankly at her.

'Honey, it's beautiful!' she added as she continued staring at the photographs of the place Neal had found for them.

Neal settled in on the bed on the other side of Hope, smiling broadly. 'It's got three large bedrooms, and it's right on the waterfront.’ He reached out to click on another photograph.‘... and take a look at the living room...it’s got a 15 foot ceiling!'

'Wow, it’s amazing' Sara agreed. ‘Hope would just love that, wouldn't you, honey. You could swim and play in the sand and look for frogs' Sara continued.

'It's right on the bay' Neal added as Hope pointed, squealing. 'Fog, fog, fog' she repeated.

'But, can we afford it?' Sara asked as she looked at the cost for one week - $1800 Canadian.'

With Sara off work for the foreseeable future and Neal without a regular source of income, it was Sara’s job as the level-headed one in their coupling to raise the question of money.

‘Honey, we’re fine.We’ve got plenty saved up and the exchange rate is great right now - it'll only cost us about $1200' Neal said. '... and really, do we want to pass this up? If it wasn't for the last minute cancellation, we would have had to book a place like this a year in advance' he said, his arguments all queued up.

Sara knew he was right and ever since Dr. Franklin had suggested they take a little holiday before beginning her chemo marathon, she’d been fixated on the idea.

'So?’ she said with a gleam in her eye. 'Are we really doing this?'

Neal shrugged and raised his eyebrows, just as excited as his wife at the thought of this spur-of-the-moment getaway.

'Let's do it' Sara said, eyes sparkling.

Neal grabbed Hope, throwing up her in the air as she squealed. 'Road trip!'

WCWCWC

By mid-morning the next day, the little family was on its way to the Canadian border. Neal had insisted Sara take it easy while he did all the heavy lifting including a couple of last minute errands and a few loads of laundry. She’d willingly barked out the orders and he had followed diligently, anxious to hit the road.

Sara had never been to Canada and she took in the sights of northern New York with its smaller towns and less hectic pace. She could feel the tension leaving her body with every mile they traveled. Hope was a great little traveler – as long as she had toys, books and snacks. She sat quietly in her car seat, looking contentedly out the car window, pointing out things to her parents and falling asleep intermittently as the hours passed. Neal sang along to some of Hope’s favourite songs as the little one tried her best to join in, usually with the last syllable of each sentence, pleased as punch to be out with her parents on a new adventure.

They arrived at their destination shortly after dinner and promptly found the beautiful cottage right on the bay of Lake Muskoka, deep in cottage country. The lodging was very private with the neighbouring cottages tucked away behind thick bushes of evergreens and they had direct access to the beachfront lake a few feet from their front door. The huge veranda wrapped around the whole cottage with a beautiful wood swing for two facing the water, a few Adirondack chairs littered here and there and a couple of beautiful hummingbird feeders hanging from the gingerbread eaves. 

Although they’d eaten and it was almost Hope’s bedtime, she was much too excited to settle in and she and Sara took a walk by the waterfront while Neal headed out to the nearest village to pick up a few essentials for breakfast the next morning. A family of ducks swam by as Hope jumped in glee, her infectious laughter the only other sound in the deafening wilderness. Sara sat by the water’s edge and watched with interest as Hope crouched down in the sand, picking up pebbles and putting them in her pocket for safekeeping. Sara let out a long satisfied smile; this was just what she needed to regain her strength and she knew that after a few days of this, she would feel refreshed and ready to face the next phase of her journey.

When Neal returned, they fired up the sandpit by the water’s edge and had a campfire – although it was still light out – and Hope and Sara feasted on their very first smores – something Neal had discovered on a previous ‘accidental’ camping adventure with Mozzie – but that was a story for another day.

Hope fell asleep in her poppa’s arms, exhausted from the long day and Neal carried her up to the cottage and tucked her in the small bedroom next to the main bedroom which boasted the same high ceiling as the living room as well as a king size bed. By the time he came back out, the sun was barely a sliver of yellows and oranges on the horizon across the bay and he noticed Sara had moved to the swing on the porch, staring out onto the water with something in her hand.

It took him a minute to put it together but finally he clued into what she was holding so tenderly in her hands as she stared off into the distance.

‘Is it today?’ he asked gently as he took the spot next to her on the swing.

She scoffed in response; nothing escaped Neal. Of course, the photograph she was holding in her hand was a dead giveaway and Neal had seen her lovingly caress it on a couple of occasions in the past.

‘Yeah’ she said, sadly. ‘It’s twenty years this year.’

‘You know, all you have to do is say the word and...’ Neal began.

He had offered on a couple of occasions to enlist Peter’s help in trying to locate Sara’s sister Emily who had mysteriously disappeared all those years ago.

‘No’ she answered adamantly as she tucked the photograph back in her pocket and turned her attention to Neal. 

‘I’ve got everything I need right here’ she added as she slid her arm in his and let her head fall against his shoulder.

Neal took in a deep lungful of fresh country air and pushed the thought away. Someday, he knew she’d be ready to find out the truth about Emily but this, apparently, was not the time to go down that road.

‘Incredible, isn’t it?’ he said as he stared off at the sparkling lake.

‘I had no idea there were places like this on this earth’ Sara said softly, not wanting to disturb the blessed silence around her.

Except for the sound of loons off in the distance and the comforting droning of crickets nearby, the silence was deafening. This was paradise, she thought, so different from the hustle and bustle of White Plains, let alone Manhattan where there was a constant hum of city noises day and night.

‘Hard to believe, isn’t it?’ Neal added. ‘How you feeling, baby?’

‘Incredibly mellow’ she murmured as she ran her hand up and down his arm. ‘And so happy to be sharing this with you.’

Neal put his hand on hers and squeezed as he kissed the top of her head. ‘Ditto’ he added softly.

WCWCWC

Their week long idyll stretched on, the days melting into one another as the couple spent their days by the water with Hope, enjoying the sun and the beauty of the quiet lake. They swam together and Neal and Hope made sand castles and searched for frogs and tadpoles, placing them in a basin of water so Hope could play with them. Sara devoured the two novels she’d brought along and on a couple of occasions, they wandered into nearby towns for a few hours, doing some shopping but always happy to return to the peaceful refuge of the cottage where they felt nothing could reach them and disrupt their bliss. The painful memories of Sara’s surgery and miscarriage slowly began to fade and Neal could see, with every passing day, that Sara was regaining strength and feeling positive about what lay ahead.

They barbecued most nights and Neal noticed that Sara’s appetite was back, something he was thrilled about, considering that once she started treatments, she’d likely lose interest in food once again. He loaded her up on protein and he added dessert every night, something they usually didn’t have back home. Hope wasn’t complaining and she ate copiously and burned off every single calorie as she ran and swam most of the day. 

Every night, once Hope was asleep, Neal and Sara would sit on the deck in their Adirondack chairs or snuggle together on the large wooden swing, holding hands, sipping wine and listening to the loons in the distance. They made love in the giant bed, their bodies hungry for each other, finding each other easily as they always did.

On their last day, they sat down by the lake, Hope playing by water’s edge and Neal sketching the view from his chair as Sara read nearby. Although they had been on their little escape less than a week, in some ways it felt like forever – a sign that the getaway had allowed them to leave the heartaches behind. 

Neal glanced up from the sketch he was working on, noticing Sara put down her book and stare longingly at Hope who was talking to a little frog by the water’s edge.

She was deep in thought – thinking ahead to the coming years and wondering if Hope would end up being an only child. In her previous life, as a ruthless white collar bounty hunter, she had never even imagined that she could enjoy being someone's mom. Her life had been all about catching thieves, the rush of the chase, the thrill of the capture. She had only _herself_ to think about, _her_ wardrobe, _her_ shoes, having a glass or two of wine – or scotch – after a hard day's work. Now, she couldn't even imagine not being Hope's mom and she realized that her concept of family had evolved and that she really wanted Hope to have a brother or sister – maybe even more than one.

Neal watched her face, those worrisome lines appearing on her forehead and he called out to her from his spot nearby, hoping to draw her out of whatever worry she’d managed to work herself into.

'Hey! There’s too much thinking going on over there' he said, jokingly. 'I can hear you from all the way over here!'

Sara smiled at his comment and watched as he stood, putting down his sketching pad and coming over to sit on the arm of her chair.

'Neal...I don't want Hope to be an only child' she blurted out, eyes still glued on their daughter who continued her monologue with the frog.

'Sara... honey, don't go there now' Neal pleaded. 'Let's just... get through the next few months and see where we go from there. Don't go putting any pressure on yourself.'

'But I know how much you want another baby and so do I' she said, sounding regretful.

'And that might still happen’ Neal said as he wrapped his arm around her. ‘We don’t know the future and... whatever happens, we’ve got each other, we’ve got Hope.’

Sara looked up at the wonderful man she had the uncanny luck of calling her husband and she thanked her lucky stars for him – his strength, his eternal optimism. She pulled him down for a kiss, feeling his warm lips on hers, comforting and reassuring.

Suddenly, Hope was at their side, wanting in on the action.

'Hope, kiss!' she said trying to slip in between the two of them.

Neal and Sara broke out in laughter at the unexpected interruption.

‘All right' said Sara. 'Hope kiss' she repeated, pulling her up and wrapping her in her arms. They were a family and _that_ , thankfully, would never change.

WCWCWC

_'One green and speckled frog, sat on a speckled log..._ ' Neal sang as the little frog frolicked around the bathtub, Hope shrieking with joy.

'Poppa! Poppa! Fog, fog, fog' she repeated as she tried to capture the slippery creature in her soapy hands.

'Be gentle with the frog, baby' Neal warned as Hope finally got a hold of it and brought it up to her face to study it. 'Geeeen' she yelled.

'That’s right, he’s green' Neal responded as he tried to reach behind Hope's ears to wash properly – although she’d spent most of the day swimming in the lake.

'Sleep fog?' she asked as she looked up at her daddy, eyes wide.

'No, baby. You can't sleep with the frog' Neal responded as she pouted.

'He wants to be with his mommy' he added by way of explanation. 'But tomorrow, before we leave, you can play out by the water again and he'll come back to see you.'

Hope looked sadly at her daddy, disappointed that the frog wouldn't be spending the night in bed with her.

'After your bath, we'll go out on the porch and put the little frog down so he can go find his mommy' Neal explained as he continued to scrub Hope's sandy feet.

Hope stared at her dad, unsure what he was explaining. All she knew was that she had a new friend and she wanted to keep playing with him.

By the time Hope was scrubbed clean and towel dried, Neal scooped up the little amphibian in a plastic container and headed out with Hope in his arms to join Sara on the wrap-around veranda where she sat, with a cup of tea in her hands.

'Mama, fog!' Hope screamed, excited.

'Did you have fun?' she asked as Hope squealed.

'Now it's time to say goodnight to your frog, honey' Neal said as he settled their daughter on her mommy's lap.

'Fog, fog!' she cried as she tried to reach out for it.

'Say goodnight froggie' Neal said as he set the small animal down on the deck and watched as it scurried away.

'No, no, no' wept Hope, her crying growing louder.

Sara cradled her daughter against her chest as the screaming began to subside, replaced by a huge yawn as Hope stilled and settled in her mother's arms, her head snug against her breast. Neal took the chair next to Sara and settled in, watching as Sara began to sing a lullaby. Within minutes, Hope was sound asleep, the excitement of the trip and the fresh air finally getting the best of her.

They sat for a long time, not wanting their last night to end – the beauty of the view etched permanently in their mind. After a while, Neal rose and took a sleeping Hope from Sara’s arms and carried her off to bed. 

'What an incredible trip it’s been’ Neal said as he returned and moved to the swing, inviting Sara to join him. 

Sara nodded in agreement as she tucked herself in by his side. Things grew quiet for a few moments, except for the loons calling, somewhere further down the lake. Neal could sense Sara’s mind churning, no doubt she was thinking ahead to the coming weeks and months.

'Thank you, Neal' she finally said, her voice full of emotion.

'For what?' he asked, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb.

'For everything. You've been amazing’ she answered. ‘I realize that...well, you didn't sign up for this – holding somebody's hand through the wonderful maze of cancer...'

Neal sat up straight and turned to face her, his face a grimace.

'Excuse me – but that’s _exactly_ what I signed up for’ he said, his voice strident. ‘Were you not at our wedding? I remember every single word of my wedding vows' he added, preparing to show off.

'As if...' she started with a warm laugh.

Neal just looked at her and rolled his eyes as he began to recite part of his wedding vows: _'... I promise to spend the rest of my life being the husband you deserve and the father our daughter needs to grow safe and wise. I promise to love you and honor you for the rest of our lives and to stand by you in good times and in bad. You are my soul mate, Sara and now that I'm home, I'm never leaving.'_

She looked up at him, impressed at his ability to recall the vows, word for word; it had been just over a year since she'd heard those words and now they meant even more as she realized she felt exactly the same way about him.

'Point made' she said, swallowing hard.

Her mind seemed to wander and after a while she spoke.

'Neal, the next few months are going to be rough on all of us. I don't want this to be what Hope remembers about me when she looks back later on – that her mother was sick and couldn't take care of her. I know I won't have the energy to do all the things she's used to having me do’ she said, getting something off her chest that had been lingering there for the past few days.

Neal listened, not sure where she was going.

‘Honey, I need you to promise me that you won't let her see me when I'm really sick, okay?' she pleaded, her voice getting shaky.

'Oh, Sara...' Neal said, at a loss for words in reaction to this his wife’s predictable concern. He swallowed hard as he thought ahead to what Sara would be going through – a metamorphosis, both physical and emotional – and his heart broke at the thought.

'Just promise me' she repeated looking at him intently.

'I promise' he said, his voice breaking slightly.

That night, they lay in bed, eyes locked on each other as they came together in a heap of limbs and emotions. They didn't speak, they let their bodies do the talking, reassuring one another that they were both in it for the long run, that their union was based on so much more than what their bodies were able to show each other.

Neal was slow and tentative in his movements, reaching for his wife, touching her in ways only a man who thoroughly knows the woman he loves could ever do. He ran his hands and his mouth all over her body, lingering in all the right places and speaking lovingly to her throughout. He told her how very much he loved her, _all_ of her – her mind, her spirit, her wit, her strength, her long legs, her sense of humour, the way she had of throwing her head back when she laughed.

Sara could sense Neal’s longing as they moved together. More thank anything, she hoped that they would find a way to connect in some way during the ordeal she knew was ahead. Cancer wasn't very sexy and she knew that over the next little while, their connection would be altered and that her body might not be able to behave in quite this way for a long while. She enjoyed every second, drawing out every movement, every sensation and enjoying it as much as she possibly could, committing it to memory.

Her heart broke for Neal who was so sensitive and loving and who, she knew, would be suffering just as much, if not more, than she would. She knew how much he hated not being able to help those he loved and that he would have a difficult time watching her suffer.

As if he could read her mind, Neal spoke up as he kissed her belly and made his way down her body.

'I wish I could go through this instead of you' he whispered, his voice shaky.

By the following evening, they had returned to the big city and the tough part was about to begin.

TBC


	18. Chapter 18

Sara sat at their kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee and armed with a felt tip pen. The calendar that usually hung on the fridge lay in front of her as she leafed through the remaining four months of the year. She smiled as she took in some of the dates she and Neal had already highlighted including November 11th which Neal had lovingly circled with a red heart accompanied by the words ‘Sara’s birthday’ and October 11th which she conversely, had identified as Daddy’s birthday. There was the annotation for Peter and El’s wedding anniversary and she noticed how Neal had inscribed the upcoming story time at the library, every third Thursday of the month. There was the date they’d made to go to the opening of the new musical at the Kennedy Centre although Sara wondered now if she would be in any fit state to attend and she smiled as she noticed Neal had written in their once a month date nights all the way through to December along with some hearts and other little doodles only Neal would think of scribbling. 

She poised the pen, preparing to add six more dates to the calendar – much less festive – knowing that many more doctors’ appointment and clinic visits would be added to the family calendar before the year was over. She circled today’s date, the first of her six chemo treatments and she laughed somewhat bitterly at the stark black marker, harbinger of much pain and suffering.She counted three weeks and circled the next date, always Tuesdays and upon flipping the calendar to October, she noticed that her third treatment would fall on Neal’s birthday. She let out a sigh; maybe she would owe him one this year...

She heard the front door open and Neal reappeared, having just dropped Hope off at the Masons for the day. He was looking relaxed in a pair of faded jeans, a polo shirt and a radiant smile as he made his way to stand behind her.

‘How was she?’ Sara asked, putting down the pen momentarily.

‘I couldn’t leave fast enough’ he joked, reassuring his wife that Hope was just fine at the prospect of spending the day with her new best friend while Sara embarked on her new adventure.

He glanced down at the calendar, noticing the stark black marker as Sara finished inscribing the last of the dates. Her last treatment would be December 12th and Neal reached over to grab a red marker, leaning in over her and circling the date in red along with the inscription ‘LAST CHEMO’ in bright, colourful letters. He kissed the top of her head. 

‘We’ll get there’ he said softly.

WCWCWC

The drive into Manhattan was hectic as they fought traffic, something they shunned whenever possible. Although their trips to the island were almost always by train, they had decided from the get-go that it would be easier for Sara if they drove in for her treatments so she could be dropped off and picked up right at the door to the cancer centre. Neal held Sara’s hand as she stared out the car window out onto the busy streets. Everyone rushed to work on this Tuesday morning after Labor Day and she couldn’t help wishing she was amongst them. Although Dr. Franklin had explained in stark detail what she could expect from the treatments and their aftermath, it was still new territory and understandably, Sara felt apprehensive about the whole experience. Neal had tried his best to be upbeat without slipping into inappropriate merriment; since their return from their wonderful cottage getaway, Sara had been quieter than usual and not surprisingly, more pensive.

It was always surprising to see the mood at Sloan-Kettering – no ‘woe is me’ feeling there. Although those who walked through the doors of the hospital were facing pain and suffering the likes of which would likely not be repeated in their lifetime, there was optimism and hope – no sign of drama within those walls – just calm, composed cancer patients doing what needed to be done to overcome the curve ball life had unexpectedly thrown at them.

The chemo ward was, surprisingly, a happy place. As soon as they stepped off the elevator, Neal and Sara could hear chattering and some laughter and every face they came across as they made their way to the desk greeted them with a bright smile, without exception. They walked by room 807 and Neal glanced in, seeing an older woman lying on the bed; it had been Sara’s home for almost a week that summer and he realized that there was always another patient waiting in the wings to have a turn at being ripped apart by the disease.

‘Good morning!’ said a cheerful woman dressed in a bright yellow nurse’s uniform. ‘You must be Sara.’

Sara smiled in response as Neal looked around, noticing a large room to their right with beds and chairs and a smaller space to the left with a few couches and tables and chairs.

‘We’ve been expecting you’ said the woman. ‘I’m Carol, I’m one of the nurses on the gynecological floor’ she added extending her hand.

‘Hi’ Sara said tentatively. ‘This is my husband, Neal.’

Neal gave Carol one of his Caffrey megawatt smiles; sometimes he didn’t totally control them – they just appeared without warning.

‘Why don’t we show you around before we get you settled in’ said Carol, stepping out from behind the desk at the nurses’ station.

‘Did you have your surgery here at Sloan Kettering?’ she asked as Sara nodded.

‘Well, this floor is reserved for gynecological cancers so we have hospital rooms as well as the treatment rooms. This room over here is a multipurpose lounge for all our patients’ she said, stepping into the room Neal had noticed. 

‘While you’re having your treatment, you can move around the ward as you please – as long as you bring your IV pole with you. If you get tired of being in the treatment room, you can come in here and sit on the couches or at the table. There’s always juice and water available and there’s usually a scrabble tournament going on in here in the afternoon’ she added with a smile.

‘Your treatments will always be on Tuesdays so you’ll get to know some of the women who are on the same schedule as you. You can have someone with you whenever you want’ she added as she looked at Neal. ‘But some of our patients prefer to come alone.’

They made their way back out into the hallway, Neal following as he carried the small bag Sara had packed with a few magazines, a book and her IPad. They could hear laughter coming from inside the treatment room and they prepared to step in as they heard a loud, hoarse voice speak up.

_‘So the woman hears she’s got cancer and only has six months to live. The doctor recommends she marry an accountant and move to Alaska. The woman says ‘Will this cure my cancer?’ ‘No’ says the doctor, ‘but the six months will seem much longer!’_

Neal listened as a group of women giggled in response; whoever was telling the ill-advised cancer joke had some warped, wicked sense of humour.

'Hey, we’ve got a new recruit!' shouted the woman with the recognizable gravelly voice as she spotted Sara and Neal following Carol into the room.

‘All right, Janet. Simmer down’ warned Carol with a chuckle. ‘We don’t want to scare away the new patients!’

Sara followed Carol timidly as she took in the layout of the large room – there were six hospital beds around the perimeter and four large lounging chairs. The room was big enough to accommodate eight or so patients and a loved one for each one of them. As she walked in, she immediately noticed the woman who had spoken up. She was sitting up in one of the beds and she was hooked up to an IV as she held court for the rest of the group of women who were scattered around the room. She had a funny little cap on her head and her skin was pallid and grey, looking sickly and fragile. Sara guessed she was in her fifties but it was difficult to tell without hair and makeup.Despite her frail appearance, the woman was ballsy, her voice strong and there was immediately something about her that appealed to Sara.

'Hi, newbie! I'm Janet!' she exclaimed looking directly at Sara.

'I'm Sara, Sara Ellis' the ‘newbie’ responded, unsure how to react to this over the top welcome.

'Welcome to the bar, pull up a stool. They’ll be serving cocktails in a few minutes' added Janet, laughing throatily.

Sara’s eyes swept over the room as she got herself acquainted with the new setting. She noticed a woman sitting in one of the chairs who seemed to be enjoying Janet’s brand of humour as she laughed in response to the last comment. The woman, who Sara guessed to be in her forties, sat with a younger man by her side. A third woman, who looked to be quite a bit younger, lay in the bed by the door, her back to the rest of the group as she read a magazine. Finally, there was an older woman sitting in the bed on the other side of Janet who was talking softly with a man her age sitting next to her – she didn’t have a single hair on her head which lay on her pillow.

Sara gave Neal a furtive glance, her eyes pleading for him to get her the hell out of this place. What was she doing here anyway? – _She_ didn't belong here. These were all _sick_ people and she was just fine. She was a beautiful young woman married to a gorgeous man and they had a beautiful little girl back home – their lives were nothing like the lives of the ailing women who surrounded her.

Carol spoke, snapping Sara back to the ugly reality.

‘All right, Janet, let's give Sara a little time to settle in, okay?' she said, looking over at Sara and Neal to make sure they were okay.

Neal smiled meekly, taking Sara’s arm and encouraging her to take a few more steps into the room despite the unmistakeable resistance he could feel in every muscle of her body. 

'Sara, your chemo is scheduled on every third Tuesday and you'll be asked to arrive at around the same time every time – around nine. When you arrive, you can pick any spot you like: bed or chair, whatever is most comfortable for you’ the nurse added kindly.

‘I’ll let you settle in and then we can talk some more and we’ll get you prepped for your chemo, okay?’ she suggested as Sara nodded vacuously. ‘Would you like to use the washroom before we start?'

'Sure' said Sara, looking around and deciding on where she wanted to settle to spend the next eight hours, tethered to an IV pole.

'Right over there' Carol said as she pointed to the washroom, located between the two rows of beds right inside the room.

'Thanks' said Sara. 'Neal, do you want to take my things?' she asked her husband as she prepared to hand over her purse and the sweater she’d brought along - just in case.

'Sure, where do you want to set up?' he asked, glancing around the room.

'How about... that bed right over there' said Sara, pointing to a bed by the large window looking over one of the hospital’s many parking lots.

By the time she returned, Neal was sitting obediently by the bed, awaiting her return. She could sense he was unsettled as he took everything in and for a brief instant, she wondered if she should have come alone, almost immediately pushing away the thought as he rose to greet her.He made some move to help her settle on the bed and Sara shooed him away, feeling helpless and not liking the feeling one little bit. She sat on top of the bed covers and gave him a silent apology as he smiled back in return. This was all new to them and neither one of them felt comfortable in this setting; they would just have to work through the uncertainty and soldier on.

A second nurse entered, pulling an IV pole and carrying two large plastic bags full of medication. Sara watched the woman walk directly towards her, eyes warm and caring as she smiled at her new patient.

‘Hi Sara' she said as she parked the IV next to the bed.'My name is Joanne and I'll be your nurse for today.How are you feeling?'

'A little... apprehensive, I guess. I’m just not sure what to expect' came Sara's answer.

'Well, that’s understandable’ Joanne responded as she proceeded to place the medication on the bed by Sara’s feet. ‘Try not to worry. I’ll walk you through every step... and some of the other women will be glad to give you some tips, isn't that right, Janet?' she said louder, looking over her shoulder at the rowdy patient who had momentarily quieted down.

'You betcha!' came the answer 'I'm an old pro at this...'

Joanne glanced over at the gorgeous man sitting by the bed. 'Are you Sara’s husband?’ she asked as Neal stood once again.

‘Neal’ he said as he nodded, his hand moving unconsciously to take Sara’s in his.

‘It’s nice to meet you’ she said, taking out a needle to prepare to set up the IV.Neal felt his stomach flip flop at the sight, realizing it wouldn’t be the last time he’d be standing by to watch Sara’s arm get pricked with an IV needle. He flinched at the thought and was silently relieved when Joanne spoke up.

‘Neal, it's going to take me a few minutes to get Sara prepped and I'm going to need to move around the bed quite a bit. Can I suggest you go and get some coffee for your wife and yourself and give me about ten minutes?' she asked kindly.

'Sure’ he said with what Sara recognized as relief. ‘Is coffee okay?' he asked leaning down to give her a peck on the cheek and an encouraging wink.

'Tea, please. Hurry back' replied Sara, looking anxious and wishing Neal didn't have to go, even for just a few minutes. 

She watched as he turned to leave, noticing the woman who sat in the chair scrutinizing him with interest. Sara was used to having women stare at her good looking husband and she turned to smile at the woman who seemed embarrassed to have been found out.

Joanne got the IV line set up without incident and she began with the first bag of medication – Benadryl to minimize allergic reactions to the harsh chemicals they were about to pump into Sara’s veins. Sara could feel herself instantly getting drowsy as the medication began flowing through her veins and she let her head fall back on the pillow as her eyes fluttered shut.

'You'll be sleepy for just a few minutes while the Benadryl goes through your system. That's normal’ Joanne said, reassuringly.‘And then, I'll start with the first of the chemo drugs but don’t worry, I'll sit with you until your husband comes back.’

Sara could hear the soft drone of voice as she nodded off momentarily and suddenly Joanne’s voice was back.‘We want to make sure you don't have any adverse reaction to any of the chemo drugs so we'll keep a close eye on you, especially for the first time.'

WCWCWC

Neal stepped out of the elevator on the first floor heading towards the coffee shop he’dnoticed on the way in. It was buzzing with employees, patients and visitors; a going concern. 

‘Neal!’ he heard as he turned to see who was standing behind him in the long cash lineup.

His eyes widened at the sight of Reese Hughes; he hadn’t seen him since his retirement party the previous spring.

‘Reese!’ he said as the men moved a step forward towards the cash to pay for their purchases. ‘What brings you here?’

‘My wife’s in surgery... up on the third floor’ he muttered as Neal waited to see if any more information would be forthcoming.

‘She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago and they’re doing a mastectomy’ he added as Neal leaned in to listen.

‘I’m sorry to hear that’ Neal said as the men inched their way down the line.

Reese Hughes shrugged in response. ‘Peter told me about your wife. I’m so sorry.’

‘She’s starting her chemo today’ Neal volunteered. ‘I’m just getting some tea for her’ he added unnecessarily, pointing to the tray in front of him.

Reese nodded; cancer was a bitch at any age but a young woman like Sara Ellis... it was a damn shame and he thought back to the details Peter had shared with him about the situation when they’d met for breakfast the previous week.

The cashier spoke up and Neal’s eyes moved from his ex-boss to the woman standing behind the counter. ‘That’ll be $5.48’ she said as Neal prepared to pull out his wallet.

‘I’ll get that’ Reese spoke up. ‘You go on back to your wife... don’t let her tea get cold’ he said kindly as Neal smiled back at him.

‘Thanks Reese. Good luck with everything’ Neal added as he grabbed the tea and muffin he’d picked up, just in case Sara got hungry. 

He made his way through the crowd and back to the elevator, realizing it had taken him over twenty minutes to get back. He hoped Sara wasn’t growing worried. 

The elevator opened onto the eighth floor and Neal could sense that it was not business as usual. He heard a loud voice, calling out from inside one of the rooms. 'I need a crash cart, stat!'

He began his walk down the hall towards the treatment room, noticing a commotion as he got closer and increasing his pace as an uneasy feeling came over him. Several nurses were rushing into the room he’d left minutes before and he arrived in the doorway, where one of the nurses greeted him immediately, a hand on his arm.

‘Mr. Caffrey, just give us a minute please. Your wife is having a severe reaction to one of the drugs' the woman said as Neal attempted to look over her shoulder, staring off towards the spot where he’d left Sara.

'What?' said Neal as he put down his purchases and tried to push his way past her into the room, more than a little anxious to get back to his wife.

' _Please_ , Mr. Caffrey, just let us do our job' she said insistently as she blocked his way. 

Neal stood and stared, mesmerized. He could see Sara's feet sticking out at the foot of the bed, peeking out from the slacks she was wearing but her body and face were concealed behind the many hospital staff who were tending to her. One of the nurses appeared to be doing chest compressions and another one was looking intently at a monitor which had appeared by the head of the bed. There was no other sound in the room and Neal could sense the tension in the silence as everyone seemed to be working feverishly to resolve the situation.

After a few seconds, the sound of a beep was heard emanating from the monitor and Neal observed the six or so nurses begin to back away from where Sara was lying, her face still hidden from his probing gaze. Slowly, they stepped away, one by one, and he could finally see Sara lying there with her eyes wide open. The nurse who had been blocking his access stepped back and Neal strode over, making it to Sara’s bedside in six giant strides. Joanne stood next to Sara, her hand on her patient’s arm and she looked up as Neal took the spot on the other side of his wife, his face shocked. He stared up at the nurse, in search of some sort of explanation for what he’d just witnessed.

'Neal, I'm sorry if we scared you' said Joanne as Sara lay, her eyes now closed. 'Some patients react to these medications and we have to watch them very carefully.We always give Benadryl before starting treatments but some patients, like Sara, have extreme allergic reactions to the drugs. As soon as I saw that she was having an adverse reaction, we brought in a crash cart just in case things deteriorated but she's going to be fine' she said, trying hard to sound reassuring.

'Her heart stopped?' asked Neal, staring ahead, incredulous.

'Just for a few seconds or so but I can assure you that she's fine now' said Joanne, trying to reassure him as Sara’s eyes opened and she looked up at Neal’s terrified face.

‘You okay, Sara?’ Joanne asked, turning her attention back to her patient’s pale face.

'I've given you some more Benadryl and that'll make you drowsy again, okay?’ she said, touching Sara’s forehead and watching as her eyes fluttered shut.

Joanne’s eyes returned to Neal’s worried face. ‘She’ll be drowsy for a few minutes but it’ll pass’ she explained.

'Does that mean she can't have the chemo drugs?' asked Neal, confused as to the next course of action.

'No, we'll still give her the drugs but in a highly diluted form so it’ll just take a little longer to administer that way, that's all' Joanne explained.

'Are you sure it's safe?' Neal was really starting to wonder if they should call the whole thing off.

Joanne glanced around the room, noticing how the unfolding drama had affected the rest of the patients in the room and she nodded to the side, inviting Neal to continue the conversation in private although he hesitated for a moment, not wanting to leave Sara’s side.

‘Heather?’ Joanne asked of a nurse who was dealing with one of the other patients. ‘Can you come and sit with Sara for a minute while I chat with her husband?’

Joanne led Neal out into the hallway, hoping for a little more privacy as the women in the room continued to gawk in response to the scary situation they’d just witnessed.

‘Neal…’ she said as she pulled him aside. ‘I’m sure Dr. Franklin explained that the drugs used in the clear cell protocol are extremely powerful and they can have adverse effects but the human body acclimatizes itself over time. We just need to adjust the toxicity of the drug to a level Sara’s body can tolerate. We just dilute it more and it takes a little longer to administer but Sara will adjust.’

Neal listened, unconvinced. ‘But... can’t you give her something else instead?’

‘I’ll tell you something’ Joanne said, her voice quiet as if she were confiding a secret.‘The more Sara’s body reacts to the drugs – and the more side effects she has, the better... in the sense that it means the drugs are having an effect on those cancer cells as well as her healthy cells.

Neal listened and realized he was shaking. He nodded in understanding although he was still under the shock of seeing his wife laying without a heartbeat for much longer than he cared to think about. 

‘Are you okay?’ Joanne asked as Neal came back to reality.

He nodded but Joanne was a seasoned veteran and she knew the signs of shock better than anyone.

She led him over to the lounge across the way, inviting him to sit at a table while she went to get him a glass of orange juice. ‘Here, have some of this’ she said, setting it down in front of him.‘It’ll do you good.’

Neal swallowed a gulp and gave her a weak smile.

‘I know this is hard Neal but Sara’s going to need you today. Do you feel up to it?’

Neal got to his feet, his conman persona mysteriously making an unscheduled appearance. ‘I’m fine’ he said in a strong, controlled voice. ‘Thanks.’

He resolutely walked back across the hall where he could see Sara chatting quietly with the nurse.He perched himself on the edge of her bed and looked down at her beautiful face, noting that colour was returning. To his relief, she was returning to her old self.

'What happened?' she asked, looking up into his deep blue eyes.

'Everything’s fine. You just had a severe reaction to the drug’ said Neal, deciding to leave out the fact that her heart had stopped beating.

Sara looked reassured by his words – and his presence. 'I could feel this intense pressure in my chest and all of a sudden, I was really hot then... nothing' she said as her eyes began to close again.

Neal just stared at her, overwhelmed. He’d had no idea how strong and powerful those drugs could be and he thought ahead to how sick his wife might be getting in the weeks to come.

'Neal, is it?' he heard, turning to see that Janet was speaking to him, her voice serious. He looked over as she sat up on the bed across from Sara.

'Don't worry, she's going to be fine. Those drugs are powerful but they get the job done. They gave me four years I never would have gotten otherwise' she confided as Neal listened.

'What?' he asked, not really understanding what she was explaining.

'This is my second go-around at chemo’ she continued. ‘I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer five years ago and although the treatments were brutal, it bought me four years. I was able to see my daughter get married and my first grandson born. This time, I don't think I'll be so lucky but I'm not giving up' she said, smiling at him.

Neal looked down at Sara who was still snoozing. The gravity of the disease she was fighting and the very real danger of losing his wife hit him once again and if it hadn't been for the fact that Sara might open her eyes at any second, he would have run outside to try to pull himself together.

As it was, he took a deep breath, smiled back at Janet and pulled out his patented Caffrey face so he could greet Sara with a smile when she opened her eyes.

TBC


	19. Chapter 19

With each new bag of poison Joanne hung on Sara's IV pole, the timer was set and Neal watched as the hours ticked away...one agonizing second at a time. Sara, on the other hand, seemed to be taking it all in stride; she read, chatted with some of the other women and took catnaps, the sun coming in from the south window to warm her back. Despite the warm September weather, Neal had placed a shawl on her shoulders after lunch when he'd noticed her shivering – he knew she always got chilly when she sat quietly for any length of time.

As the day wore on, Sara and Neal became better acquainted with the interesting group of women who'd been destined to share the bleak ritual of chemotherapy with each other.

At 10:00, Jill had arrived, all by herself, and she'd settled in the chair by the window, chatting with Sara as the long hours stretched out. She was a quiet, unassuming woman with a gentle smile who had been teaching kindergarten for almost thirty years. This was her second of six treatments for a stage 2 cervical cancer and after chatting with Sara for a while, she'd opened up and shared pictures of her three grown children. Sara and Neal had done the same, Neal marvelling at the pride in Sara's eyes as she showed Jill the photographs she'd taken of Hope playing in the sun kissed sand at the cottage.

Sara also chatted with Grace, the pretty blond woman who'd been sitting with the quiet, inconspicuous young man; it turned out Kevin was her nephew, her sister Faith's son who was her only living relative since her sister's sudden passing from uterine cancer the previous year - a sad event which had preceded her own personal struggle.

The young woman in the far corner bed had remained a mystery as the day wore on. She spoke to no one and she quietly slipped away at around 2:00, without acknowledging her fellow patients. Janet, on the other hand, had worked all day at keeping everyone's spirits up. Although at first glance, she appeared loud and abrasive, it had become obvious that Janet was a strong, determined woman who was coping with a devastating set of circumstances. This was her second go-round at cancer and despite that fact, she remained unwaveringly optimistic. She spoke of her husband, Harold, himself struggling with early onset Alzheimer’s. He was her rock and was only absent on this day because of a long standing appointment with his own specialist. The woman's dark eyes lit up as she spoke of her kids and even more so when she mentioned little Colton, who had been born to her daughter just a couple of months back. Sara was impressed by the woman's strength and determination and her 'in your face' attitude, something a woman like Sara Ellis couldn't help but respect.

The woman on the bed next to Janet had introduced herself as Clara. She was in her late sixties, a good old fashioned Italian grandmother who doted on her large brood. She and her husband Gino had eight children, thirteen grandchildren and they still ran a convenience store in their neighbourhood in Queens. She was about halfway through her six cycles and she explained to Sara that she'd elected to have her head shaven after her hair had begun to fall out in clumps the week before. Sara touched her long copper mane and gulped – that was something she was most definitely dreading – although it appeared to be a foregone conclusion.

As an observer, Neal sat and watched, relieved to see that, as the day progressed, Sara's anxiety gradually faded as she became more and more comfortable in her new surroundings. In some strange way, Neal felt like a fly on the wall, the odd man out... he couldn't possibly hope to understand what united these women. They were kindred spirits, silent partners on a path that fate had dragged them down, kicking and screaming all the way.

WCWCWC

The timer counted down as the last few drops of mystery liquid entered Sara’s veins.

(5:47) Neal watched the silent drip as the drugs trickled down the central line, along the long, narrow cannula and into Sara's unsuspecting body as she sat, her head back, eyes closed.

(3:02) Drip... drip... drip...

(1:38) Joanne walked in to check on things; everyone but Sara and one other patient had left for the day.

(:36). Neal pointed to the monitor. 'Almost done, babe' he said, as he reached out to take Sara's hand.

(:03-:02-:01) Joanne returned with a warm smile on her face.

'Congratulations Sara! That’s _one_ down and five to go!' Joanne announced with an encouraging smile as she began to remove the IV line from Sara's arm.

Sara sat up, getting her bearings. She felt surprisingly good, a little groggy but not as bad as she'd feared she might feel after such a cruel attack on her body. The adverse reaction she'd suffered earlier in the day had been limited to the first of the three drugs they'd injected and once they had found the correct balance of fluids, she'd been fine. Another unexpected side effect of having such powerful drugs pumped into her body for six straight hours had been the burning sensation in her veins and Sara was relieved to finally have it all over with. Neal let out a sigh of relief; the first treatment was over and done with and there sat Sara, looking just as beautiful and unruffled as she’d looked before.

Joanne fussed with the needle, revealing a dark bruise and Neal cringed at the sight; this was only the beginning.

'With all the commotion this morning’ Joanna said. ‘I forgot to talk to you about the option of having a port installed to receive your chemo treatments.'

Sara and Neal exchanged looks. 'What's a port?' Sara asked.

'A port or a portacath... it’s a small appliance that we can install right under your skin to avoid having to put the IV directly into your vein each time. We put it in with a catheter - usually on your chest, just below your clavicle' she explained, pointing to the spot on Sara's chest. 'We leave it in for the duration of your chemo treatments and that way we don't have to search for a vein every time you have blood work or chemo treatments.'

Sara frowned as she listened; another unexpected detour.

Joanne continued, trying to give her patient all the information she needed to make the best decision. 'When I put in your line this morning, I noticed you have very delicate veins. A port would avoid having to use these smaller, more fragile veins over and over again. After a while, they become unusable.'

Neal looked at Sara's face, noticing those worry lines appearing on her forehead once more as she processed the information. 

'So can you _see_ the port?’ Sara asked.

'No, it's hidden right under your skin but you can feel it... it’s about this size' Joanne answered as she brought her index to the middle of her thumb. 

'Can it fall out or be pulled out?' asked Sara as she thought of Hope roughhousing as she often did.

'No danger of that; it’s secured under the skin – we actually have to make a small incision to put it in' explained Joanne.

Sara looked at Neal and shrugged as the nurse continued. 'Tell you what. I'll give you some literature to read and you can let us know what you want to do. There are a _lot_ of advantages to the port, it would make things a lot easier for you over the next few months but in the interest of full illumination, some people don't like having a constant reminder of their cancer and ports have been known to become infected on occasion.'

Sara nodded. ‘All right, I'll definitely think about it.’

Joanne took the seat next to Sara as she pulled out a small pill bottle and prescription from her pocket. 'Now, I need to give you the lowdown on what you can expect over the next few days. First off, I want to stress that each person reacts somewhat differently to these drugs but there are some common side-effects I want to prepare you for.'

'First' she said handing a prescription to Neal. 'I want you to pick this up on your way home. It's for two pills, one tomorrow and one on Thursday. This should help with some of the more common side effects such as nausea and muscle aches.'

She opened the pill bottle and prepared to place the tiny little yellow pill in Sara's hand. 'I want you to take one now and the other two as prescribed. You might find the next few days particularly difficult as the drugs move through your system. Expect muscle aches, nausea, vomiting and lots of fatigue. But remember these drugs are killing any remaining cancer cells left in your body and by the beginning of next week, you should start feeling like yourself again.'

Neal listened attentively as he watched Sara swallow the small pill with the glass of water Joanne had handed her.

'Do you have two toilets at home?' she asked, a most unusual question at the best of times.

Sara frowned then nodded.

'Sara, these harmful drugs will be leaving your body over the next 48 to 72 hours and they will be expelled through _all_ your body fluids, urine, blood, even tears. You need to protect your family so try to keep one of the bathrooms just for yourself and flush twice after you use the toilet. Neal…’ she added, turning to face him. ‘…if you need to handle any of Sara's bodily fluids during that period of time, you need to wear 2 pairs of throwaway gloves, okay?'

Neal nodded; he couldn't believe the precautions that were necessary to keep them all safe.

Sara looked at Joanne, suddenly concerned. 'Can we… sleep in the same bed?'

'Of course you can' she answered, touching Sara's hand. 'And if you feel up to it, you can have sex as long as you use protection over the first few days.'

Sara nodded; it was an awful lot of information to take in.

'Over the next few months, your immune system will be compromised and you'll be very vulnerable to infections. We'll be checking your white blood cells regularly but you should avoid large groups of people, crowds in shopping malls or other public places. And, don't forget your blood work, a few days before you come back so we can check your creatinine levels.'

Dr. Franklin had mentioned that - although Sara didn't have a clue what creatinine was.

'What about hair loss? When will that happen?' she asked as Neal took her hand. He knew Sara worried about losing her hair even though he'd tried to reassure her on multiple occasions.

'Well, it doesn't happen to everyone but it does happen to _most_ people. It's not very pleasant but I'll tell you something, if you lose your hair, it means the drugs are really working and that’s a _good_ thing. Usually, patients start noticing hair loss after the second treatment. That's when you might want to think about alternatives. Here are some options for you' Joanne said as she handed Sara a pamphlet with a list of local wig shops.

Joanne finally got to her feet. 'Look, if you need anything, _anything_ at all, advice, medication, you call us. We are your best friends for the next few months, okay? Oh, and don't forget the support group on Monday nights; you're free to come anytime. And Neal, there's also one for family members.'

Sara smiled and nodded again.They looked around the room noticing Jill was the only one left – everyone else had gone.

They thanked Joanne for everything, wished Jill well and walked off, hand in hand to the elevator and back to their life.

WCWCWC

'Mama, mama' yelled Hope as Neal returned from the Masons with her in his arms.

Sara sat right where Neal had left her, on the family room couch having a cup of tea and looking a little worse for wear since they gotten home.

'Mama, sick?' the toddler asked as she joined her mother on the couch. Sara shivered – she didn't want those two words to be associated with her automatically.

'No, Mommy's not sick, honey' she told her as Neal observed the interaction.

He held up the tiny pill bottle as he prepared to place it in the kitchen cupboard, out of Hope’s reach.‘Thank god for health insurance’ he said as he turned to face Sara.‘These two pills are $80 a shot!’

'So ladies' Neal added, in an attempt to break the suddenly somber mood. 'Who wants pizza for dinner?’

TBC


	20. Chapter 20

Tuesday turned into Wednesday as Neal and Sara waited for the other shoe to drop. Both of them had gotten a decent night's rest although Neal had spent a fair amount of time just watching Sara sleep, half expecting to see her body start glowing in the dark from all the drugs that had been pumped into her system.

After discussion, they'd determined that Sara would make exclusive use of the upstairs bathroom so Neal moved Hope's potty down to the first floor washroom along with all his shaving gear and toiletries. He got Hope up early and father and daughter tiptoed around the house having breakfast and preparing to head out to the park so Sara could sleep in and begin to recover from the assault that has taken place on her body the previous day.

By the time Sara woke up, it was almost ten o'clock and she sat up in bed, taking stock of how she was feeling. Except for the persistent grogginess, she was pleasantly surprised to find that she felt pretty much like her old self, albeit somewhat light-headed. She stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, finding everything quiet, the kitchen clean and tidy and a note on the kitchen table in Neal's neat handwriting.

' _Took Hope to the park. Back by lunchtime. xx'_

Just seeing Neal's handwriting always made her giddy and she smiled despite herself as she set down the note and grabbed a cup of coffee from the pot of Italian roast he'd left for her. She settled at the kitchen table with her brew and opened her laptop, instantly gravitating to her office e-mails - despite the doctor's advice to leave work behind and concentrate on resting up and taking it easy. It was hard to make the transition from busy white collar bounty hunter to helpless cancer patient and she seemed to brighten up as she read the exchanges between her colleagues over at Sterling Bosch, feeling as if she was still somehow connected to the world outside.

Within an hour – and despite heroic efforts to keep her eyes open – she had fallen asleep on the nearby couch, this time, a fitful sleep with dark, troubled dreams. She stirred upon hearing familiar giggling coming from the front of the house and she sat up unsteadily as she heard Hope's tiny feet hit the floor and toddle into the kitchen, ostensibly in search of her mom.

'Hey sweetie!' Sara called out from the couch as Hope changed trajectories and ran towards the family room.

'Mama! Park! Park!' she shouted excitedly.

'I heard! You and Daddy went to the park!' Sara said as she sat up, her head suddenly spinning.

She heard the unmistakeable sound of Neal putting the stroller away in the garage and suddenly, he was standing before her, carrying a couple of bags of groceries and looking like his old energetic self. He scooped Hope up in his arms and leaned down to kiss his wife.

'How'd you sleep?' he asked with a bright smile.

'Good, good. You?' she asked.

'Great! Hope and I have been busy this morning. We stopped by the market on the way home and I got some of those crackers you like and I picked up some soup and some cheese for lunch.’

Sara could feel her stomach drop at the mention of food; she didn't have much of an appetite although she knew she needed to make _some_ sort of an effort if she was going to keep up her strength. She put on her best fake smile although she wasn't anywhere near as good as her husband was at that kind of thing.

'Great!' she said in her best imitation of Neal Caffrey.

'Come on, sweet pea' Neal said. 'Let Mommy rest and we'll go get lunch started.'

Moments later when he returned with a tray of food, Sara had slipped back into a restless sleep.

WCWCWC

Early Thursday morning, Neal woke to the sound of Sara moaning in her sleep. She'd been restless all night and he feared they might be facing a rough day ahead. His worst fears were confirmed when Sara eventually opened her eyes and curled up against herself, in obvious pain.

'Honey?' Neal asked, gently. 'What's the matter?'

'Hurts' she croaked, in a voice he barely recognized. 

He turned in bed, noting heat radiating from her body.'NO!' Sara moaned as he reached out to gently touch her shoulder.

'Where does it hurt, baby?' he asked as he reluctantly pulled away.

'It's... it's like my whole body's in a vice grip' she lamented as she pulled her legs up to her chest.

'Let me get you some Advil' Neal said as he rose from the bed, heading to the nearby bathroom.

When he returned with the meds and a glass of water, Sara lay moaning on the bed, rocking back and forth repeatedly, looking nothing like the feisty, spirited woman he knew so well. He perched himself on the edge of the bed and gently helped her sit up as he handed her the pills and held the glass up to her lips. Her eyes found his and what he saw there made him feel like he'd been kicked in the stomach; the usually bright green eyes looked lifeless and empty as Sara struggled to remain vertical.

'I need to pee' she mumbled as she looked pleadingly at her husband.

'Come on, I'll help you' Neal said as Sara balked.

'No... the doctor said...' she began.

'Never mind that, come on' he insisted, bringing his arm around her waist and supporting her weight as they inched towards the bathroom.

He sat her down on the toilet as she mumbled something inaudible and he reluctantly slipped on a pair of gloves so she would let him touch her. She swatted his hand away weakly as he handed her a piece of toilet paper and she reached out to flush the toilet once, then a second time.

She had just resettled on the bed when the distinctive sound of Hope's tiny feet was heard in the distance, rumbling towards their bedroom. Before either one of them could react, Hope was airborne, screaming with glee as she landed flat on Sara's aching body, eliciting a shriek of pain from his wife the likes of which Neal had never heard. Sara’s unexpected reaction caused Hope to roll off her mom and with a brief look at her dad’s horrified face, the toddler began to sob inconsolably.

Neal sat between the two of them, eyes darting back and forth, watching with concern as both of them reacted to the collision. Hope's wailing was only making things worse so he pulled her to him and carried her out into the hallway in an effort to get her to calm down.

'Hope, it's okay baby, it's okay' Neal repeated as he cradled her against him.

'Maaamaaa! Maaamaaa!' Hope wailed, her arms pointing insistently towards her parents' room.

'Mommy's going to be fine, sweetie. She's just feeling sick' he said as Hope began to breathe normally again.

'Mama, sick' Hope repeated as her crying began to subside, slowly but surely.

'Neal!' Sara's barely recognizable voice came from inside the bedroom. 'Bring her back in here, I don't want her to be upset.'

'It's okay, angel. Daddy's going to take you out today, okay?' Sara managed to say as Neal set Hope gently down on the bed. 

The last thing this could be described as was ‘okay’ and Neal stared back at his wife, eyes pleading; he didn't want to leave her like this, not alone, not today. Sara gave him that look she reserved for those moments where she wasn’t open to negotiation and he stared back, torn between caring for Hope and staying by his wife’s side.

‘Honey, why don’t I see if Hope can go over to Donna’s for a little while’ he attempted as Sara shook her head adamantly.

‘Neal, you promised...’ she said, struggling. 

'Maybe I can get Elizabeth to come over and sit with you then... just while we’re out' Neal suggested, hoping for some sort of compromise.

'NO, don't you dare!' she said firmly. 'I don't want to see _anyone_ today, Neal. I mean it.'

He nodded and turned to face Hope, realizing his duty lay with making sure their daughter was cared for; anything less would just make things worse for Sara.

‘Come on, sweetie, let's go have some breakfast okay?’ he finally said reluctantly.‘And then we can go out for a little while.'

'Park?' she asked, expectantly as she let herself be lifted off the bed.

'Maybe the park or maybe we can go visit Uncle Peter at his office.' Neal offered as he gave Sara one last beseeching look, noticing she’d turned away from him, curled up on her side.

'Uccle Pe'er' Hope repeated eagerly, instantly forgetting her woes despite the fact there were still unshed tears in her bright blue eyes.

Neal got Hope fed and dressed and made his way back to their bedroom to give it one last shot, findingSara blissfully asleep. Not wanting to disturb her slumber, he picked up a pad and pen from the bedside table and wrote her a note.

" _Went out with Hope for a while. Call if you need me and I'll come running. I hate this but I love you. N xx"_

With his guts screaming at him not to leave, Neal glanced over at Hope, recalling the promise he’d made to Sara to keep disruption to a minimum for their little girl. He had to do what was best for _all_ of them and, torn between respecting her wishes and listening to his heart, he reluctantly left the house, carrying Hope in his arms.

WCWCWC

Although he wasn't sure where they were headed, Neal wasn't totally surprised when the car inexplicably found its way into the parking garage by the Federal Building. Maybe talking to Peter would do him good, he thought, carrying Hope into the office building and watching as strangers stopped to wave or fuss over his beautiful daughter. Normally, Neal would have had his chest puffed out in pride at the admiring glances but on this day, he stood impassively in the elevator and, almost by rote, pushed the number 21.

Visiting the White Collar offices was a regular occurrence these days although most of those visits were social calls. He still got called in from time to time to help out on certain cases – as was the case with Smirle Pharmaceuticals – but, these days, most of his time was spent being a stay-at-home dad and when he stepped off the elevator, he was warmly greeted by the many probies and agents milling around, Diana amongst them.

'Caffrey!' she called out as she greeted him. 'Hi Hope!' she added as she smiled at the little girl, nestled safely in her daddy's arms. 'What brings you two here?'

Neal's silence spoke volumes and Diana intuitively felt that he needed to have a chat with Peter. She put her arms out for Hope 'Would you like to come with me and get some juice?' she asked, her voice excited.

Hope's face lit up. 'Juice' she repeated, willingly going to Diana and forgetting all about her dad, at least momentarily.

'Thanks' Neal murmured as he willingly handed Hope over and slowly made his way up to Peter's office.

Peter was on the phone and gestured for Neal to come in and sit, a huge smile on his face at the sight of his best friend appearing unannounced on a Thursday morning.

'Hi, I wasn't expecting to see you here today' Peter said, as he finally hung up and stood to greet Neal.

'Well, I wasn't planning on being here either so I guess we're even' said Neal, taking the chair in front of Peter's desk, his face sullen.

'What's up? How's Sara doing?' Peter asked although they'd talked just the night before.

'Nothing like yesterday' Neal answered sombrely, his eyes dropping to stare at the floor. He seemed to collect himself and his eyes came up to look into Peter's. 'She was in agony when I left the house. She says her bones and muscles feel like they're in a vice-grip.'

Peter stared back in sympathy. 'Chemo is horrible' he answered. 'Our neighbour, Sylvia, had chemo last year and El used to bring her some meals. Some days, Sylvia couldn't even get out of bed.'

He glanced at Neal, who was looking even more discouraged following his ill-advised remark and Peter continued, trying to make the save. 'But she's all better now and she's feeling great.'

Neal just nodded – he could see right through Peter.

'Sara's so damn... headstrong.She made me promise that we’d make Hope our priority... she won’t let me do anything for her. She doesn't want me to see her when she's sick and she's anal about Hope not being around when she's like this. I just don't know what to do' Neal said, his voice quiet.

'Why don't I get El to pop in _unexpectedly_ and check on her' Peter suggested.

Neal shook his head. 'I tried that. She won't let her in. She's adamant about being left alone.'

Silence followed as Peter thought of what he could possibly say to help his friend; maybe his job was to just listen.

Neal swallowed hard, fighting his emotions. ‘She could barely make it to the bathroom this morning...but she made me leave the house anyway.’

His eyes looked up and Peter could see some unshed tears there.

‘I can’t bear seeing her like this but... it’s even worse when she shuts me out.’

Peter stood to make his way over to where Neal sat and put a reassuring hand on his best friend's shoulder.

Apparently, there were things even the great Peter Burke couldn't fix.

WCWCWC

Sara lay in bed and wept. She’d never been in such excruciating pain in her whole life. This was nothing like childbirth - this was her _whole_ body revolting, in pure agony. She didn't want her little girl to have this mental image of her mom and she resolved to do anything to keep that from happening. She thought of Neal's face that morning and she knew he was suffering too – not knowing _what_ to do. She knew he would willingly take this from her if he could but that wasn’t possible; if she could just keep him away, he would never need to know just how bad the pain was. She prayed that this would pass soon and she hung onto Joanne's words that by the beginning of next week, she would start to feel human again.

She managed to sleep off and on and Neal did as he'd promised, staying away – at least for a few hours, as agonizing as it was for him to give in to her request. She lay with the note he'd left scrunched up in her hand, trying to draw some strength from the small piece of paper.

By the time Neal returned after lunch, he found her asleep, the bottle of Advil open by her side. He carried a snoozing Hope to her bed to finish up her nap and he returned to their bedroom where he sat in their bedside chair, watching as Sara slept fitfully, moaning from time to time as she rocked on the bed.

He stared at her usually strong body, curled up in a little ball, decimated by those powerful drugs; seeing her like this was like witnessing her being tortured and standing by helplessly and letting it happen.

WCWCWC

By Friday morning, the horrible aches and pains from the previous day had morphed into violent and repetitive vomiting. Sara had barely eaten a thing all day Thursday – just a few bites of the homemade soup Neal had brought up for supper – and yet, she began to throw up sporadically, every few minutes without respite.

Neal called the hospital and spoke to the oncology team; unfortunately, the symptoms were all too common and the advice was to make sure she didn't become too dehydrated.

If she'd been in fighting form on the previous day, she was even more adamant about Neal leaving her alone now that she was throwing up. She worried about him being in contact with her body fluids although he was dutifully wearing gloves as he held her up while she vomited repeatedly.

He watched her cry in desperation as a new wave of nausea hit, encouraging her to take small sips of water between bouts of retching. By the time Hope woke, Sara was on the warpath again, insisting he take her out of the house so she didn't have to witness her mom in this state. The more Neal argued, the more upset she got until he finally gave in, taking Hope downstairs and grabbing his phone as he reluctantly left the house.

'Moz, I need a favour' he said, his voice breaking as he whispered into the phone.

'Sure, what's up?' Mozzie said predictably.

'It's Sara, she had her first chemo this week and she's in really bad shape. She's been throwing up nonstop since she woke up and she won't let me anywhere near her. Do you have anything that could help – no drugs, something natural' he specified.

Over the years, Mozzie had acquired an extensive knowledge of natural remedies and he had many contacts he could call on in times of need – a testament to his distrust of the traditional medical system.

'Yeah, I could do that' came the answer.

'She won't let you in, you'll have to bully your way' Neal warned.

'I can bully my way in as well as the next man' responded Mozzie, slightly offended at the suggestion that he couldn't hold his own. 'But I'll just use my key!' he added as Neal rolled his eyes.

He'd never _given_ Mozzie a key!

WCWCWC

Sara was on one of her many trips to the toilet when she heard the door open downstairs. Damn it, she thought, Neal was back already. She took a good strong hold of the banister and started down the stairs towards the front door coming face to face with Mozzie, who stood there, staring back at her.

She took the last step off the stairs and glared at him as Mozzie stood, shocked at the sight of her, looking like he'd never seen her - without makeup or her signature four inch heels. 

'Neal's not here Mozzie - and I'm in no mood to entertain you' she declared, deadpan.

'Sara, you look... how are you feeling?' he asked innocently.

Sara rolled her eyes at him. For a smart guy, Mozzie wasn't very observant sometimes.

Suddenly, the urge hit once again and she ran into the small bathroom by the front door and threw up. When she stepped out, Mozzie was standing there with a glass of water in his hand. He took her arm and guided her over to the family room couch. She was too tired and weak to argue and she sat, her hands shaking as she took the glass he offered her.

'You have to stay hydrated' said Mozzie, authoritatively.

She took a sip. 'What _is_ this stuff? It doesn't taste like water' Sara observed.

'It's water with electrolytes' said Mozzie. 'You're vomiting so much that you're losing electrolytes and that can be dangerous for your body.'

She looked up at him like he’d just grown another head but she kept drinking.

'And you just _happened_ to be in the neighbourhood... carrying around some... water with electrolytes?' she asked, suspiciously.

'It's good for you' Mozzie deflected. 'I always keep some on hand for emergencies.'

'Neal called you, didn't he?' she said, finally putting two and two together and coming up with a big fat four.

She was tired of fighting and she let her head drop gingerly on Mozzie's shoulder as he sat next to her on the couch. For some reason, it was easier to let herself go with someone other than Neal, someone who didn't look at her with that look of fear and apprehension in his eyes.

After a few minutes, she slept... until it was time to throw up again.

TBC


	21. Chapter 21

‘What’s that you’ve got there?’ Peter asked as he returned with a couple of beers.

Neal’s eyes moved from the pamphlet he’d been holding in his hands up to Peter’s quizzical gaze.

‘It’s for a support group... you know, for families’ Neal said as he handed it over to Peter.

‘Are you thinking of going to one of the meetings?’ Peter asked as he looked over the information.

‘I don’t know… I’ve never been much of a _support group_ kind of guy.’

Peter waited for a moment, studying Neal’s face; those worry lines were making a repeat appearance as they seemed to be doing a lot lately.

‘Is Sara still shutting you out?’ he asked, concerned.

Neal let out a long, painful sigh. ‘I just don’t get it’ he admitted. ‘When we went away to the cottage, I felt like we were really connecting. We shared everything... she told me about her fears, her anger... but since her first chemo, she’s totally shutting me out.’

Peter listened as Neal poured his heart out, hearing the hurt and anguish in his voice. As his best friend, he could only do so much and he feared he might not be up to the task of advising him in this difficult situation.

Neal had seen his wife like this on occasion, focussed and absorbed especially when she got wrapped up in a particularly challenging case at work – but he’d _always_ been able to pull her out of funk. This time around, there was none of their usual playful banter and none of the frequent fleeting touches and warm, longing looks. Neal had chalked it up to the fact that she was tired, which she was, napping twice a day and just generally feeling listless and out of sorts. But, even in bed, where they’d always found solace in each others’ arms, Sara was pushing him away and no amount of cajoling seemed to be enough to bring her back to him. 

‘Why don’t we take Hope for a night and you two can go out for a nice dinner somewhere?’ Peter suggested.

‘I tried that. She says she’s too tired to go out anywhere.’ Neal said, disheartened.

Peter nodded; Neal looked defeated, so unlike his usual positive self with his optimistic view of the world. Come to think of it, El had mentioned that her usual attempts at connecting with Sara had also met with failure.

‘I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I’m pushing too hard or... maybe I’m not pushing hard enough’ Neal said, his voice sad. His eyes came up to meet Peter’s. ‘I miss her.’

Peter felt useless; he didn’t know what the best course of action was but seeing Neal like this was tearing him apart. 

‘Maybe it would do you good to talk to other people who are going through the same thing’ Peter suggested as he glanced down at the flyer in his hand.‘It can’t hurt.’

WCWCWC

It was the Sunday before her second chemotherapy treatment and Sara had gone to bed before Neal, leaving him to put Hope to bed and lock up. By the time he made it into their bedroom, he found her curled up on her left side, her body wrapped up in a small ball. He prepared for bed in silence, unsure whether or not she was already asleep. It was killing him to see her like this, so unresponsive and shut down. He slid in under the blankets, and spooned her, his body curled up against hers as he felt her stiffen up at his usually welcome touch. He missed her warmth and her laughter and he needed to feel close to her, to be there for her. He recalled the intimacy they’d shared the week they'd gone away to the cottage, how she’d opened up about wanting to have another baby, how afraid she was of what was ahead. In another couple of days, the cycle would start all over again and he feared that she would hold him to his misguided promise to keep Hope from seeing her mom in pain.

‘Babe? You awake?’ he ventured as he pressed his body against hers in an attempt to connect.

His words were met with silence and he laced his arms tightly around Sara’s waist in an effort to feel her warm body against his. He buried his face in her soft hair, breathing in her wonderful fragrance and finding comfort in the feel of her body. 

‘I love you’ he whispered as she lay, not moving.

Sara could feel Neal’s warm body against hers as she pretended to sleep. More than anything, she wanted to give in to him, to let herself melt into his loving arms. Instead, she thought ahead to the coming week. In a few days, the cycle would start all over again and she would be sick and sore and raw. She just couldn’t allow herself to share any kind of intimacy with Neal right now – if she let her guard down, the floodgates would open and she would lose all control over her emotions, something she wasn’t prepared to do. 

He didn't need to know just how much pain she was in or just how scared she was. Every time she looked at him, she could see her pain reflected in his eyes and the less he knew about what she was going through, the better. She knew he was feeling helpless – he kept telling her that he wished he could go through this ordeal instead of her – but that wasn't how things worked and she just didn't want to see the hurt and pain in his eyes every time she looked at him.

She was strong – everyone always told her so – she just needed to hang on until the treatments were over and she could go back to her wonderful life.

WCWCWC

Neal wandered up the hallway at Sloan Kettering looking for Room 206E. To be honest, he wasn't quite sure _what_ he was doing there but, at this point, anything was better than standing by and feeling so powerless. All he knew was that Sara was shutting him out and he needed to talk to somebody about it, somebody who would understand what he was going through. The smell of good coffee floated in the air – he hoped it was coming from the 'Families of Cancer Patients Support Group' and not some other meeting or workshop. Sure enough, he turned the corner and followed his nose, finding himself in a small meeting room where chairs were placed in a circle with two men already seated as a third one stood to greet him.

‘Hi, I'm Jason Goodwin’ the man said shaking Neal's hand.

‘Neal Caffrey’ he responded, glancing nervously around the room.

‘First time at a support group meeting, huh?’

‘Am I that obvious?’ countered Neal, forcing a smile.

‘No, it's just that I'm the group leader and I've never seen you here before. Why don't you grab a coffee, we'll get started in about five minutes.’

Neal nodded and walked over to get a cup of coffee just as one of the two men rose to do the same.

‘Hi’ he said, smiling. ‘I'm Paul.’

‘Neal.’

‘It's my first time, too’ Paul admitted. ‘I thought I'd give it a whirl.’

Neal just nodded. He was really starting to think he'd made a big mistake by coming here. He should be able to deal with this stuff by himself instead of talking about it to people he’d never even met. He didn't want to bare his soul to complete strangers but he was at a loss and he worried that, if he didn’t do something, Sara would build a wall around her that would eventually become impenetrable.

A couple of other people walked in – a young woman in her early twenties and a man Neal recognized from Sara’s first chemo treatment – Gino, Clara's husband.

'Hey Gino' said Neal, happy to have at least one familiar face to relate to. Gino smiled politely and Neal realized the older man might not even remember meeting him. 

'Neal, Sara's husband …. from chemo?' he said, putting out his hand in greeting.

'Oh, yes, hello' Gino answered in his thick Italian accent.

Jason’s voice was heard echoing through the room as he invited everyone to take a seat. Neal glanced around at the diverse group of people, all of whom were struggling in some way with supporting a loved one and despite the fact they’d never met, he felt a certain kinship with the people around him. 

‘Good evening everyone, my name is Jason and I'm your group leader’ Jason began. ‘My mom is a breast cancer survivor and I got involved with the group when she was going through her treatments four years ago. The group helped me a lot and I decided to volunteer and see if I could help others who were going through the same thing.’

There was an uneasy silence as everyone glanced around nervously.

‘This is a very informal group. If you want to share, you can; if not, you can just listen. I think you’ll find that we all have something in common. We all have a loved one struggling with cancer and we're not quite sure how we can support them and take care of our feelings and emotions at the same time.’

That seemed to resonate with people because there was nervous laughter throughout the room as he spoke.

‘You know, everybody reacts differently to having cancer. Some people need a lot of support while others tend to isolate themselves and still others, like my mom, want to pretend nothing is happening and continue to take care of everyone around them.’

Again, an uneasy giggle as Neal looked around the room.

‘Maybe we can start with everyone introducing themselves. Tell us whatever you want us to know about what brought you here’ Jason suggested.

‘My name is Paul’ said the man Neal had met at the coffee table. He seemed like a chatty fellow and Neal was relieved to have a short reprieve before it was his turn to speak. ‘I'm here to get some support because my sister has been diagnosed with colon cancer and I'm her only relative.’

Next was the young woman who couldn’t be more that twenty years old. When she spoke, her voice trembled and she kept her eyes downcast as she introduced herself.‘My name is Dina. My dad has pancreatic cancer and he's in the hospital. I'm having trouble coping…’

Neal realized it was his turn and he hesitated for a moment before speaking – baring his soul to absolute strangers wasn’t something he was used to doing.He took a deep breath and gave one of his smiles, although muted. ‘My name is Neal. My wife... has ovarian cancer and she just started chemo treatments. I want to know how I can support her the best way I can.’

Gino sat to Neal’s left and everyone turned to look at him expectantly. ‘I'm Gino’ he said softly, ‘and I'm here because... my wife told me to come.’

There was laughter in response to his honesty and everyone seemed to relax a little, realizing they were all in the same boat.

There was one other man in the room who’d been very quiet up until this point. He seemed anxious but when he spoke, his voice was very calm and serene. ‘My name is Harold. My wife is on her second bout with cancer and she's not doing very well with her treatments.’

Neal studied the man. He recalled Janet mentioning her husband – Harold. She’d explained how he was struggling with early onset Alzheimer's. Could this be the guy, Neal wondered.

Jason asked if anyone wanted to start and Paul spoke up. Neal estimated he was in his mid to late forties and he was dressed in a suit and tie, probably coming over straight from work just as Neal had.

‘As I said, my sister has just been diagnosed with colon cancer and I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to behave’ he admitted. ‘She's upset a lot of the time and no matter what I say, it never seems to be the right thing. I'm confused about... how to talk to her.’

Everyone in the room looked at Paul with empathy as Jason spoke up. ‘That's a common concern’ he said. ‘You don’t know if you should talk about it or not talk about it, right? If you talk about it, you wonder if you're making it worse by having her focus on it – but believe me, it is _always_ on her mind. The best thing you can do is to take your cue from your sister – let _her_ decide if she needs to talk about it. Most of the time, people suffering with cancer just want to carry on living their lives. What I hear a lot from cancer patients is that cancer doesn’t define who they are and they don’t want you to see them as victims.’

Harold piped up. ‘My wife, Janet... she’s the most amazing woman in the world. She is _so_ positive and she lives every day fully but it doesn't hurt any less to know that she’ll be gone soon.’

Neal listened as the man spoke, his voice strong yet obviously feeling vulnerable at the realization that he might be losing the woman he loved. He couldn’t help but be impressed by the man’s strength against such overwhelming odds.

‘Does she let you how you can support her?’ asked Jason.

'Oh, yeah’ Harold said with a wide grin. ‘She is _so_ outspoken. She doesn't have much energy left but she's always wanting to try new things... and our sex life has been amazing’ he volunteered as everyone giggled.

Neal thought of Janet, the little he knew of her, and he could see the free spirit it her – her way of telling it like it was and he could imagine her as the type of woman who would push the limits, not unlike Sara.

Young Dina looked shy but she was obviously in need of advice and support and that seemed to be enough to spur her on as she spoke up, sharing with the group.

‘My dad's probably going to die within a couple of months’ she admitted, her voice soft. ‘It just happened so fast, you know. I'm in college and I always thought my dad would always be there – that he'd be there for my graduation and that he'd walk me down the aisle. I’m scared.’ She began to cry softly and Paul who was sitting next to her patted her shoulder gently in comfort.

‘That's a really tough situation, Dina’ Jason agreed. ‘Stuff like that shouldn't happen, you're right. Do you have people around you who can support you?’

‘My mom and my brothers... but we all seem to be coping with our own shit, you know...’

‘But you _all_ love your dad’ Jason reminded her.‘And sticking together will help you get through this.’

She nodded as she wiped her eyes.

Neal felt compelled to speak up; something about listening to others bare their soul made it feel safe to share his own pain and heartache.

‘Well, I don't want to contradict Harold’ he began with a grin. ‘But _my_ wife is the most amazing woman in the world.’

Everyone laughed as Neal continued. ‘She’s so strong and self-sufficient – those are exactly the qualities that drew me to her in the first place but... she's struggling and she's not letting me in and I feel totally helpless. All I want is to be with her even when she's feeling crappy but she keeps pushing me away.’

‘Have you told her how you feel?’ asked Jason.

'I’ve tried but... she's very pig-headed’ he said, laughing wryly.

By the time the meeting ended, everyone was feeling a little more comfortable with one another; although there were no magical solutions to everyone’s personal dilemmas, there was solace in knowing you weren’t alone in having to cope with the pain and worry of having a loved one sick with cancer.

Neal stood to leave and was surprised when Harold walked up to him, putting a warm hand on his shoulder.

‘I think my wife told me about your wife, Sara. She told me how she’d met this amazing woman at chemo a couple of weeks ago’ the man said.

Neal looked at Harold who wasn’t showing any obvious signs of his own struggle with disease. ‘I met your wife too’ Neal said, thinking back to crazy Janet. ‘She seems like one strong lady.’

‘You don’t know the half of it’ Harold said with a grin. ‘I just wanted to say, don't give up, Neal. Keep talking to your wife – she'll let you in’ he added mysteriously before walking away.

Neal didn't know why but he wanted to believe Harold who had spoken with such assurance and clarity; whatever he did, he couldn't give up on Sara letting him in.

WCWCWC

Arriving at the hospital for the second round of chemo was a totally different experience from the first time. Sara knew what she was getting into and she was actually looking forward to seeing some of the women again; spending six to eight hours locked in a room made for strange bedfellows and unusual alliances. She tried to talk Neal into dropping her off and coming back for her later but she lost that battle and the two of them entered the room at precisely 9:00 a.m. just as Janet was finishing up a joke about the top ten ways you know you’re a cancer survivor.

‘Number two’ Janet was saying as they stepped in. ‘Your mother-in-law invites you to lunch and you just say NO!’

‘Hey Sara!’ Janet called out. ‘You’re just in time to hear the top way to know you’re a cancer survivor.Drum roll please’ she said as Clara and Grace proceeded with the rolling sound. ‘When you use your Visa card more than your hospital parking pass!’

Everyone groaned as Sara settled in at one of the comfy chairs by the window. Neal was pleased to see Harold at Janet’s side and he went over to shake his hand.

‘Nice to see you again, Harold’ he said as the man smiled.

Clara was settled in the bed next to Janet and this time, a younger version of Gino was sitting next to her. Grace was sitting in a chair by the window with Kevin at her side and the mysterious young lady whose name Sara still didn't know was facing the wall with her eyes closed.

Sara was set up with her IV.She’d discussed it with Neal and she’d decided that she didn't want a port; having treatments was quite enough, she didn't want a constant reminder hanging off her body.

Jill arrived an hour later and the group of six from three weeks before was once again complete. The day seemed to fly – Neal went out and got everyone sandwiches for lunch and without the drama of her first chemo experience, Sara prepared to leave at four o'clock armed with her prescription for her two little pills.

‘Tell me about your reactions from the first round of chemo’ asked Joanne as she took Sara's IV out of her arm.

Neal’s ears perked up. He was curious to hear what Sara had to say. She had done such an effective job of keeping him at arm's length; she was sharing more with her nurse than she had with him.

‘Wednesday wasn't bad’ Sara began. ‘But Thursday was horrible – I had terrible muscle pain and every part of my body felt like it was being twisted. Friday was ‘throw up day’, all day’ she added with a grin.‘...and then I was just really run down for a couple of days. By the following week, I was feeling pretty good.’

‘Well, here's the thing’ Joanne said. ‘The good news is the more you suffer with chemo side effects, the more effective your treatments are because it means the drugs are really having the desired effect on those cancer cells. The bad news is it will likely be the same, identical thing every cycle so please, brace yourself. Make sure you stay hydrated when you throw up all day and take some Advil for the muscle pain.’

Sara nodded as Neal looked on. ‘All right’ she said with a loopy grin. ‘Let the games begin.’

She took the hand that Neal was offering and she followed him out to the elevator.

TBC


	22. Chapter 22

Neal sat on the comfortable armchair in their bedroom, sketching pad on his lap, as he watched Sara sleeping blissfully. If the previous cycle was any indication, this would be the last day she would be feeling relatively human for the next little while and Neal was taking advantage of her unconscious state to draw her as her hair fell over her face and her body lay relaxed. Joanne’s last words to Sara the previous day had been to expect her hair to start falling out any day now. The second treatment was usually the tipping point when an unsuspecting body began to rebel against the virulent drugs and give up on its ability to keep growing hair. For all her wonderful qualities, Sara Ellis was a very vain person and Neal knew this unfortunate side effect would be difficult on her. It was early October and that meant that once her hair fell out, she wouldn’t look like her old self again until well into the new year. He ran his pencil down the length of the page, capturing the slight curve of her hair as it cascaded over her right eye and he unwittingly let out a sigh.

Sara’s eyes opened and instantly narrowed as she spotted him sitting there, studying her as she slept.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked, her voice thick with sleep.

He tilted his pad in her direction in response and she gave him a small smile as she spotted herself looking angelic on the sheet before her.

‘Don’t you have _enough_ sketches of me?’ she asked.

‘Never!’ Neal answered as he rose and set the pad down on the chair. He took the small spot on the bed by her legs and ran his hand lovingly over her hair. ‘How are you feeling this morning?’

‘Like last time. Like I overdid it on the champagne last night’ she replied.

‘If only...’ he answered as he looked down at his hands, noticing a small clump of hair there and quickly disposing of it before she could see for herself.

‘Where’s Hope?’ Sara asked as she pulled herself up onto her elbow.

‘Donna called and invited her to come over and play with Olivia. I thought I’d make you breakfast… are you hungry?’ he asked softly.

Sara’s face said it all – a small grimace followed by a shrug. ‘Maybe some tea and toast.’

‘Do you want it in bed or do you want to come down?’ he asked, getting to his feet.

‘I’ll come down. I get a feeling I’ll be spending the next few days horizontal’ Sara answered.

Neal kissed her forehead and turned away on his mission to get a start on breakfast and Sara watched him leave, so big and strong... and healthy looking. The antithesis of what she was feeling.

WCWCWC

It was throw up Friday – the second in a series and Sara made her way downstairs to the living room couch – change of scenery and all. Throwing up in the upstairs bathroom or doing it downstairs in the small bathroom by the front door… what difference did it make, it was still throwing up. She made a mental note to remind Neal to disinfect everything when he made it home. She’d somehow managed to convince him to take Hope out for a few hours although this time, he’d fought her even harder than the first time. He’d finally managed to convince her to let him return after lunch even though he knew she would find a way to keep Hope at bay while she finished with her heaving marathon.

The pattern was becoming better defined now: every ten or fifteen minutes, Sara would feel the insistent urge to heave as her stomach rebelled – despite the fact there was absolutely nothing left in there in the way of food. This time, she was armed with something to drink, compliments of Mozzie’s secret stash and she made her way to the couch in the living room – somewhere they hardly ever hung out – in order to be closer to the small washroom by the front door. She looked down sadly at the bucket by her feet, something she carried around with her just in case, and she frowned.

She felt a sudden chill and grabbed for the nearby throw to cover herself – another side effect of the wonderful cocktail of drugs which was coursing through her veins; she was always cold these days, it seemed. It was early October and the weather was still gorgeous but _she_ was always cold... From her vantage point, she could see all the way to the back of the house and out the patio door where Hope's swing set sat, swinging gently in the early autumn breeze. She spotted the black-eyed susans Neal had insisted on planting earlier in the summer; they were still in full bloom. Who knew Neal Caffrey, conman extraordinaire, would turn out to have a green thumb? It had surprised Neal most of all when he’d started visiting the local greenhouse on his quest for lush plants to decorate the backyard. By early June, he’d planted a bunch of perennials and some beautiful flowering plants in pots along the edge of the deck. Sara smiled as she recalled how eager and excited he’d been when he’d come home with Hope and a car load full of blooms.

As with her last chemo cycle, Sara was still being obstinate about not having Neal and Hope around when she was having her bad days. She knew Neal was hurt by her insistent rejection but as far as she was concerned, it just wasn't an option to have him cater to her as she threw up and writhed in bed from agonizing muscle aches and pains. She hadn't told him, but for the last two days, she’d noticed that her hair had started to fall out in tufts. In the morning, she could see clumps on her pillow case and every time she ran her fingers through her hair, she would come away with a handful of dull, lifeless hair.

Neal had been nothing but loving and caring, trying desperately to connect with her in any way he could. They hadn’t had sex since they’d gone away almost five weeks earlier and Sara longed to feel Neal’s touch, to have him make love to her but to her mind, that was simply out of the question. She knew from what the other women at chemo had shared, that over the next couple of weeks, all her hair would fall out. The thought of gorgeous, sexy Neal being attracted to her in such a state seemed ludicrous despite the fact she knew her husband’s love was much more than skin deep. It was her... she wasn’t feeling sexy or desirable and she just couldn’t imagine Neal finding her attractive. Instead, she just kept him at bay, letting him believe she was just too tired or sick to care about something as superficial as sex. In fact, it was the furthest thing from being superficial – sex was one of the wonderful ways they connected and it had always been so easy – and she missed it, missed _him_ desperately. 

She heard a decisive knock at the front door and she leaned back to try to see who was there, the bushes right by the front door obstructing her view. She waited silently for whomever it was to leave but there came a second knock and this time the unlocked door opened just a few inches and she heard a familiar voice.

'Sara?’ she heard as a familiar face came into view. 

‘Janet!’ Sara said, shocked to see her new friend turning up on her doorstep. 'What are _doing_ here?'

Janet moved towards her at a steady pace, her face pale and her skin sallow. How come _she_ wasn’t home throwing up, Sara wondered.

‘How did you even know where we live?’ Sara asked as Janet sat next to her, not waiting for an invitation – although it appeared by Sara’s body language than none was forthcoming.

The older woman shrugged. ‘I just thought I’d pay you a little visit, see how you’re feeling.’

'Not my best day, I'm afraid' said Sara softly, pointing to the bucket by her feet. 

'Hey’ Janet said with a knowing look. 'It's nothing I haven't seen – or done.’

'Well, I’d prefer not having an audience for this, if you don’t mind' responded Sara. She was in no mood to entertain although the sight of her chemo buddy was oddly reassuring.

‘How come _you’re_ not home throwing up?’ Sara asked indelicately – screw good manners.

Janet hesitated for a moment before answering. ‘It’s just... well, it’s not having much effect on me this time around’ she admitted.

Sara watched her friend’s eyes carefully, reading between the lines. Although Janet was a fighter, she caught a glimpse of resignation in her eyes and she suddenly felt sad for her as she absentmindedly ran her hand through her hair.

Once again, she noticed the clump of hair appearing in her hand as she placed it in her lap and the sight of it brought on a wave of emotion she hadn't seen coming as she burst into tears.

‘Oh, Sara...’ said Janet as she reached out to touch her hand. 

Sara’s instinct was to pull away, to try to compose herself but instead, she found herself in Janet’s welcoming arms as she abandoned herself to the feeling of helplessness which had suddenly taken hold of her.

‘It's so hard’ she blubbered with her face nestled against Janet's neck.

‘I know sweetie, I know’ answered Janet, holding her tight.

They sat like that for a few seconds until Sara finally pulled away to look into Janet's eyes. She had the most beautiful brown eyes and despite the fact that she was obviously very sick, her strength and character shone through as she gazed lovingly back at Sara.

‘Sara’ she began, taking Sara's hands in hers. ‘Why are you sitting here alone? Where's Neal?’

Somehow, she wasn’t sure how, Sara had the feeling that Janet already knew the answer to that question.

‘I... I sent him away’ she answered, meekly, like a child who was being reprimanded.

‘Why would you do that?’ Janet asked although, once again, Sara had a feeling Janet already knew what this was all about.

‘I just can't stand him seeing me like this. And I especially don't want Hope to see me like this’ Sara admitted.

Janet took a deep breath. ‘How do you think that makes Neal feel?’

‘I don't know’ Sara answered breathless. But the truth was, she _did_ know because he had told her many times since this ordeal had begun.

'Really?'

Sara sighed, suddenly uncomfortable with the impromptu ‘therapy’ session and frustrated that Janet had somehow got her talking about her feelings despite her resolve to keep things to herself.

‘Sara, tell me. What does Neal love about you?’ asked Janet, an unexpected question if ever there was one.

Sara frowned not understanding the question or at least not understanding its intent.

‘What does Neal _tell you_ he loves most about you?’ Janet repeated, undeterred.

Sara shrugged; was she really going to do this – share her innermost thoughts and feelings with a woman she hadn’t met until a few weeks before? 

Janet kept staring and the words began to tumble from Sara’s lips. 'My strength, my dry sense of humour, the way I am with Hope, the sound of my laughter...'

As she spoke, she could see where this was going and she couldn’t help but add ‘… but he also loves my vitality, my body, my hair, the way I look, the way I move.'

Janet listened patiently, determined to help Sara draw some helpful conclusions. ‘When you got married, did you promise to love Neal for better or for worse?’

Sara just stared back, miffed. She hated being shown the error of her ways.

‘Of course I did...’ she said, growing impatient with the inquisition. ‘But...’

‘But what?’ Janet asked. ‘What would you do if Neal got really sick? Where do you think you’d want to be?’

Sara glared at her. ‘Janet, that's not the same…’ she began.

‘Oh, no, why is that?’ the woman asked, point blank, catching Sara off guard.

‘Because... Because Neal is…’

Janet waited as Sara stopped, her mind attempting to explain the unexplainable.

‘What? Because Neal can't take it? Because he doesn't understand? He’s too sensitive? Is that what you're telling me?’ Janet continued, pushing Sara’s buttons.

Sara’s eyes filled with tears as Janet kept at her, trying to get her to open up.

‘Sara, I've heard it all before’ she added, still holding Sara’s trembling hand. ‘You know, the most important lesson I learned the first time I got my cancer diagnosis was that people _want_ to help, hell, they NEED to help and by trying to shelter them or facing things alone, I was depriving them of that.’

Sara swallowed hard, hypnotized by Janet’s words. ‘I remember, five years ago when I had just started my chemo treatments, the parents from my youngest daughter's soccer team got together and decided to make some meals for us. The parent who was organizing it e-mailed all the other parents on the team and I had inadvertently been left on the distribution list. She wrote about how she had seen me and how she felt so helpless and that she really needed to do this so she could be doing something – _anything_ to make things a little easier for me.'

Sara just looked at her with wide eyes and thought of all the offers of help she had gotten – and refused – since her diagnosis... Donna offering to take Hope, Elizabeth wanting to cook for her, Neal begging her to let her stay by her side.

Janet continued, steadfast. 'You know, cancer doesn't just affect the patient. It affects the whole family...hell the whole community. Why do you think there are all these fundraising activities for cancer? Sure, the money helps with research but it's about something else. It's about people doing something, _anything_ they can to pull together and support their loved ones. Neal can't suffer through this disease for you but I bet he wishes he could. Harold tells me that all the time.Sara, don’t shut him out. Neal loves you, with or without hair.’

‘But I just feel so hideous’ Sara sobbed. ‘I can’t bear the thought of him pitying me.’

Janet nodded in understanding.‘Is that what you _really_ think, that Neal sees you as hideous or that he pities you? I would bet my bottom dollar that Neal sees the same woman he's always seen, the strong capable woman he fell in love with and he sees her suffering and it's killing him that he can't fix it.’

Sara’s sobbing grew louder, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably as Janet’s next question brought everything to a sudden stillness. ‘Are you guys still having sex?’

‘What?’ came Sara’s initial response. She let out a sardonic laugh. ‘Let’s just say I don't feel very desirable at the moment’ she admitted.

‘Do you think Neal wants to be with you in that way?’

Sara knew how isolated Neal was feeling, how much he missed the physical closeness they’d always shared. ‘To be honest, I've kind of been avoiding the whole thing and he's finally backed off.’

‘Do you not feel like having sex with your husband?’ Janet asked.

Janet’s line of questioning, although effective was annoying Sara who didn’t want to think about all that, let alone discuss it out loud.

Despite her growing annoyance, she answered the pointed question. ‘Yeah... sometimes but... I just don't think I'm much of a turn on and right now….' she said as she tugged at her hair and another large strand was left in her shaking hands. 

‘Wow’ Janet said, playing her trump card. ‘I guess you married a really shallow jerk, huh?' she asked provocatively.

Silence resonated in the house for a few seconds. ‘Point made’ Sara finally answered.

‘Look, next week, when you come out of your fog, why don't we go wig shopping together? There are all kinds of great wigs, you can get a special one just for sex… that's what _I_ did. Whenever I put on my sexy, blond wig, Harold knows I’m in the mood and I usually have to beat him off with a stick.’

Sara began to laugh heartily and the laughter brought on her gag reflex. 'Excuse me...' she managed to blurt out as she stood and lurched for the nearby bathroom. By the time she returned, Janet was standing by the front door, ready to take her leave.

‘Look, I know you need your rest but promise me you'll think about what I said’ she said, touching Sara's arm and opening the front door.

‘One last piece of unsolicited advice’ Janet added. ‘I know you don't want your daughter to think of you as weak and frail but later on, when she looks back on this part of her life, what she’ll remember is just how strong and brave her mom was and your courage will be an inspiration to her. That's what she'll remember, I guarantee it.’

‘Hey...’ said Sara, wiping a tear. ‘How come you knew I needed to hear all this?’

‘Let's just say sometimes Harold is surprisingly lucid and he's a very good listener. See you next week?’

‘Yeah... next week’ answered Sara, puzzled by Janet's response.

After she left, Sara picked up her phone.

WCWCWC

‘So, is it as bad this time around?’ Elizabeth asked as she and Neal sat across from each other at the island in the Burkes’ kitchen.

Neal shook his head, his eyes checking on Hope who was busy chasing Satchmo in the back yard.

‘Why did I have to fall in love with such a determined, headstrong woman?’ he asked rhetorically.

Elizabeth smiled in response.‘We don’t choose who we fall in love with’ she answered wistfully.

‘El, I just want... I want to be with her, just hold her hand, whatever she needs. It’s killing me that she’s pushing me away.’

‘Was that support group any help the other night?’

Neal shrugged. ‘Well, it helps to know I’m not the only one who feels isolated and... helpless.I guess I have to keep trying and maybe I can find a chink in her armour.’

‘Sara loves you, sweetie. She’s trying to protect you in her own warped way.’

‘I know and I keep telling her that I don’t need her to protect me... I’ve got you and Peter to talk to but who is she talking to?’

‘Poppa, up!’ Hope said as she appeared at Neal’s feet, arms outstretched.

‘Hey sweet pea’ Neal said as he lifted her up, bringing her to his chest, and winding his arms tightly around her small frame. ‘Are you getting tired?’

She lay her head on his chest, eyes half closed as she melted into his warm, loving embrace. The phone Neal had placed beside him came to life as he glanced down, seeing Sara’s beautiful face on the screen. It hadn’t fully rung once when he brought it to his ear.

‘Sara? You okay?’ he said by way of greeting. ‘Yeah, of course... I’ll be right there’ he added as a small smile lit up his face.

TBC


	23. Chapter 23

By the middle of the following week, Sara’s insecurities about the way she looked were gaining on her.Her hair loss had become more noticeable and she’d begun to spend copious amounts of time in front of the mirror trying to cover up the increasingly numerous bald spots which had begun to sprout all over her scalp. Despite Janet’s words of wisdom, she was still having trouble letting Neal in, struggling with his insistent attempts at connecting with her. 

On the Friday morning, as she gently ran the soft hairbrush through her locks, she came away with a huge clump of dry, lifeless hair and she finally decided there was nothing left to do but to give in to the ravages of the chemo cocktail. By ten o’clock, she had picked up Janet and they were on their way to ‘Coleen’s Boutique’ out in Manhattan.

Sara had been dragging around her sad, weary body for the past few months now but the moment she stepped into the stylish boutique, she felt oddly energized. The place had a strangely positive aura – not that Sara Ellis subscribed to that kind of thing – an almost peaceful haven where women who were struggling with a fate similar to hers felt welcome.

A beautiful, tall blonde walked towards them and within seconds, she and Janet were locked in an affectionate hug.

‘Janet! It’s _so_ good to see you’ said the woman as Sara looked on; she could sure use one of those hugs, she thought.

The idea had barely formed in her mind when the woman turned towards her and opened her welcoming arms. ‘You must be Sara’ she said warmly, her arms suddenly surrounding her. ‘We’ve been expecting you!’

'Sara, this is my friend Colleen. She’s the owner...’ explained Janet.‘...and she’s one of us.’

That this beautiful, poised woman had survived cancer and knew what she and Janet were going through was somehow reassuring and Sara gave her a tentative smile in response to her friendly welcome.

Her eyes darted around the huge store which was overflowing with hundreds of wigs and adapted clothing for cancer survivors. Before she knew it, a second woman had appeared with a tray of lemonade and Colleen had ushered them over to a small sitting area by the back of the store, complete with wing chairs and a beautiful oak coffee table.

Sara was feeling a bit like Cinderella at the ball, her eyes not quite knowing where to look first.

‘I know, it’s overwhelming, isn’t it?’ Coleen said, reading her mind a second time.

Sara nodded as she turned to Janet for moral support. For some reason she couldn’t fathom, Sara began to choke up and suddenly her eyes were full of unshed tears.

‘It’s a really hard phase to go through’ Coleen said as she placed her hand over Sara’s.‘And the emotional aspects are just as difficult to navigate as the physical ones.’

The woman was saying all the right things, she was expressing all those fears and apprehensions Sara had been feeling and yet had been thus far unable to articulate.She nodded silently.

‘Sara, every single woman who goes through this feels alone and isolated but it’s _not_ the case. There are thousands of us struggling with the same issues and we need to pull together and draw from each others’ strengths.’

Sara stared at the woman as if she was Christ incarnated – hell, she was a boutique owner and yet, she was hitting all the right notes.

‘When I went through _my_ chemo twelve years ago, I decided I wanted to do something to support others going through the same thing. I felt alone and disenfranchised from the rest of the world. I wasn’t feeling like my old self and worse for me at the time, I wasn’t _looking_ like my old self.’

‘Coleen was a model on the runways of Paris’ Janet added as Sara stared back. The woman was certainly beautiful enough for that, even today.

‘Well...’ Coleen said, looking slightly embarrassed. ‘I left all that behind. I met this great guy who’s a nurse on the surgical floor at Sloan Kettering and I fell in love. We pooled our resources and invested in this place.’

Once again, Janet piped up, eager to fill in the blanks. ‘Julian and Coleen have two great kids.’

Sara relaxed; as different as she felt she looked from this striking, confident woman, she knew she’d found a kindred spirit.

‘Anyway, enough about me’ the woman said, seemingly surprised at how much she’d shared with the newcomer. ‘How can I help this morning?’

Sara put her hand to her head silently and came away with a clump of dull looking hair.

‘Of course’ Coleen said as they stood and started walking around the large store. ‘As you can see, the problem becomes _what_ to choose.’

Sara giggled; the choices were definitely endless.

‘Most women like to go with a look that's similar to their usual hairstyle and hair colour but some see hair loss as an opportunity to look totally different and have fun with different hairstyles. And some women do both... Why don’t I give the two of you a chance to look around.’

The next half hour was spent trying on different wigs as Janet and Sara giggled irrepressibly at the infinite and various looks. Sara relaxed; it felt so good to laugh even though she was about to make a purchase she’d never, in her life, imagined she’d ever have to make.

The more wigs she tried on, the more her hair fell out and suddenly the thought of finally giving in didn’t seem so outlandish anymore.

‘Why don’t you just have it shaved off?’ Janet suggested as Sara stared back in disbelief.

‘You mean now?’ Sara asked.

‘Yeah, Coleen has a small room at the back where she shaves heads. That way, you can leave all this mess behind and go home looking like a new woman.’

Sara let out a long slow sigh at the thought of giving in to this unfortunate side effect of the hideous disease.

'Sometimes it’s harder to see your hair fall out... day after day’ Janet added wisely.

She had a point.Over the past week, Sara’s hair loss had been at the centre of her worries and she watched as Neal stood by, just as caring and loving as always, not daring to say a word about the transformation her body was going through.

The next thing she knew, she was sitting in a salon chair, the mirror covered as Coleen went to work on what was left of her red locks. The three wigs Sara had picked sat nearby waiting for her and within moments, it was time for the big reveal as the first wig was placed on her head and she turned to look at herself.

‘Wow!’ she said as she stared back at her reflection. ‘I’ve spent my whole life trying to find just this colour!’

The style she’d chosen was similar to her usual style, shoulder length with just a little bounce but the colour was gorgeous and Coleen got to work, adjusting it and trimming it just right.

Sara was beaming by the time she left with her purchases, newly energized and feeling much like her old self again.

WCWCWC

All eyes were on Sara when she finally returned home a few hours later to find Neal and Hope out in the backyard sitting in the sandbox together building what looked like... was that the Manhattan skyline?

Seeing Neal Caffrey crouched down making sand castles was always a sight to see and Sara made her way over to them as Neal stood to greet her, surprisingly speechless.

‘Mommy!’ Hope said gleefully. 

‘Yeah!’ Neal echoed with a goofy grin. ‘Mommy!’

‘ _Pretty_ mommy!’ Hope said as she threw her arms around Sara’s hips.

‘Honey, you look...’ Neal hesitated, unsure what to say. He certainly didn’t want to imply that the beauty he saw in her was just skin deep but she looked amazing.

‘... so energized’ he said, choosing his words carefully.

‘I feel good’ she said as Neal kissed her cheek. ‘But I’m wiped... I’m going to go lie down for a little while.’

‘Do you need anything?’ Neal asked, suddenly unwilling to let her out of his grasp.

She shook her head, the glimmering highlights from her copper hair shining in the sunlight. 

‘Okay, I’ll call you when dinner’s ready’ Neal said as he watched her walk away with the echo of a spring in her step.

‘Mommy pretty’ Hope repeated.

‘Yes, _she_ is!’ Neal answered emphatically.

WCWCWC

Sara lay out her purchases on the bed:a couple of wigs and some woolen caps she’d bought for hanging around the house. Although the weather was still fairly warm, she was always cold and the hair loss only added to that shivering feeling that wouldn’t let go of its hold on her. She removed the wig, placing it on its stand and she grabbed for one of the woolen caps, a cute little off white number that did nothing for her overall looks. She sat in front of her small makeup table, staring at her naked scalp for the first time – a very scary look for a woman as vain as Sara Ellis.

‘Hey!’ Neal said as he suddenly appeared in the doorway to their bedroom.

Sara grabbed for the hat, pulling it on hastily and wishing Neal didn’t walk always skulk around the house like a goddamn cat burglar.

Neal gasped at the unexpected sight, seeing Sara so exposed and vulnerable; he recovered immediately, walking over to stand behind her as they both stared back at themselves in the mirror.

‘Neal, I don’t want...’ Sara began, her voice faltering.

‘Sara...’ Neal said cutting her off and leaning in, lips on the top of her covered head. ‘I love you so much. I don’t care... I don’t care about your _hair_.’

Sara stared up at her husband’s reflection, seeing the pain and anguish there, realizing how hard this was for him too. She placed her hands on top of his as they rested on her shoulders and she tried to smile back through the tears.

He laughed wryly at the sight of the two of them trying so hard to keep from falling apart. ‘There’s a little girl who just got out of the bath and wanted her mom to read her a bedtime story.’

Sara nodded and rose, coming face to face with Neal who was suddenly blocking her way out of the room. He leaned in, taking her face in his and placed a soft, lingering kiss on her quivering lips.

‘Please...’ he pleaded, voice shaky as he pulled out of the warm kiss. ‘ _Don’t_ shut me out.’

WCWCWC

Hope’s eyes widened as Sara stepped into her room, wearing the small cap and carrying the book she’d purchased for her daughter.

‘Mommy... hat!’ the toddler said as she lovingly touched the top of Sara’s head.

‘You like my hat?’ Sara said with a smile.

‘ _Pretty_ hat’ Hope said as her eyes moved to the book Sara had walked in with.

If Hope could make so little of the obvious change in her mom’s appearance, surely Sara could try to do the same. She looked down at the book she had picked up when she and Janet had visited the bookstore earlier that day. They had headed over to the preschool section and found a book destined for toddlers that gave the broad strokes about the life changing aspects of cancer from a child’s point of view. Sara was done with denial; the physical ravages of the disease were now in plain sight for all of them to see and she felt compelled to give her daughter some explanation as to the changes that were taking place in her body.

‘I bought you a new book. Do you want to see?’ she asked her daughter.

‘Book!’ exclaimed Hope, craning her neck to get a better look.

Sara opened the first page and Hope immediately pointed to the picture in front of her eyes.It was a woman, lying in bed wearing a cap not very different from the one that was presently perched on her head.

‘Mommy sick’ Hope said, looking serious as she pointed to the picture.

‘That’s right, the mommy is in bed and she’s sick’ said Sara as she watched her daughter’s eyes.

‘Hope’ said Hope pointing to the second page showing a little girl curled up against her mom.

‘That’s right, that’s a little girl just like you and her mommy is sick’ Sara added sadly as she turned the page.

‘Doctor?’ asked Hope, her eyes moving to look at Sara.

‘Yes, that’s the doctor and he’s helping the mommy get better just like Dr. Franklin is helping Mommy get better. Do you remember Dr. Franklin at the hospital?’ she asked looking at the toddler.

Hope nodded enthusiastically as Sara turned the page once more.

Unbeknownst to them, Neal had appeared in the doorway to Hope’s room, watching and listening intensely as mother and daughter reconnected.

‘Baby kiss Mommy’ said Hope, smiling at the picture of the little girl cuddling up to her mom.

‘Yes, the little girl is lying in bed with her mommy and she’s giving her a kiss. She loves her mommy and she’s sad because her mommy isn’t feeling well’ she answered, wondering where she was drawing the strength to carry on.

Hope reached over and kissed Sara, little arms wrapped firmly around her neck.

‘Hope kiss _Mommy_ ’ she said as she curled up under Sara’s arm.

Sara’s breath hitched at the sudden and spontaneous show of affection. Her eyes went from her daughter back to the book she was holding as Neal stood, transfixed in the doorway.

‘Look!’ Sara continued as she pointed to the next page in the book. ‘The mommy is feeling better and now she can play with her little girl again.’

Neal let out an unexpected sigh and Sara’s eyes met his, realizing he’d been witnessing the tender moment between his wife and daughter. He shook off the sadness, a smile returning to his face as he stepped into the bedroom.

‘Is there room for one more on that bed?’ he asked playfully as he threw himself between Sara and Hope.

‘Daddy’ squealed Hope as he tickled her and they began to roll around on the bed.

Sara looked on, smiling at the normalcy of the moment although somewhere in the dark recesses of her mind, she knew this was anything _but_ normal. 

WCWCWC

Sara fiddled with her wig in the mirror, looking herself over – not bad, she thought, considering...She hadn’t heard from Neal for a while and she sent him a quick text, waiting for an answer as she applied some lipstick and stared back at her reflection. 

WCWCWC

Neal dropped his daughter off at the Burke home for her usual Saturday night sleepover. As always, Peter and El had been waiting for her with open arms although Hope had walked right past them and had taken off after Satchmo the moment she had stepped into the house. He’d kissed her goodbye and had reluctantly made his way back to the car feeling strangely edgy and tense. 

He was feeling abandoned and vulnerable these days and he left Brooklyn, unsure what it is he wanted or where he was headed. Things were still strained at home; Sara was struggling with the changes to her body and Neal never seemed to say or do the right thing. He needed to get away for a while. Lately, there just wasn’t that joy he yearned for when he walked into the house on Meadowbrook Street. He longed for the feeling of contentment and wellbeing he’d come to know when he came home to Sara’s welcoming arms and Hope’s shrieks of joy and he hoped those days weren’t lost to him forever. 

Instead of heading north towards White Plains, he found himself heading over to the Brooklyn Bridge towards Manhattan. Within minutes, he’d arrived downtown, passing by the Ritz Carlton Hotel as he stopped the car and parked in the nearby lot, making his way nervously to the hotel’s bar. He hadn’t been there in over a year and he had fond memories of his first date night with Sara following Hope’s birth.

He ambled up to the bar and ordered a scotch, neat, and he made his way to a booth at the back of the bar to wait for his drink. The sun was setting and he let his eyes wander to the few other patrons who sat around the Star Lounge at this early hour. He spotted a few businessmen gathered around who were relaxing after a day of meetings and a few couples huddled together in various quiet corners of the bar. The pretty barmaid walked up to his table with his drink, smiling at him and Neal gave her a Caffrey grin in response.

‘Can I run a tab?’ he asked as he took the glass and downed his drink, immediately returning it to her tray.

‘Sure thing’ she said as she returned to the bar to pour him another shot. 

Neal glanced down at his vibrating phone – Sara again. He sighed, reading her latest text.

He shook off the uneasy feeling and let his eyes wander around the place once again, wondering what he was doing there when he _should_ be home. His eyes were drawn to a woman who’d entered the bar from the hotel side and he watched with interest as she stepped up to the bar and took a seat there, facing him. It was quiet yet, even from a distance, he could heard her soft voice as she spoke.

‘Manhattan please’ she said to the barmaid as she glanced around the room and let her eyes linger on Neal for a brief moment.

He tried not to stare but the woman was gorgeous and his eyes just couldn’t look away. She wore a short little red number, showcasing her long, lean legs, the plunging neckline begging for wandering eyes to settle there. Her hair was short and dark with springy curls that framed her beautiful features and Neal realized he’d been staring at her when she finally responded by giving him a dazzling smile.He pried his eyes away and brought his gaze to the fresh drink that had been placed in front of him and suddenly, he noticed a pair of strappy sandals appear in his line of vision as his eyes wandered up to find the beautiful woman who’d made her way over to where he sat.

‘Hi’ she said, her voice sultry. ‘I couldn’t help but notice you’re on your own. Would you like a little company?’

Neal swallowed hard. He’d been married now for over a year and although it was just like riding a bike, he hadn’t had quite as many opportunities to flirt since Sara had gotten pregnant.

‘Hum...’ he said, sounding like a novice at the flirting game. ‘Sure.’

TBC


	24. Chapter 24

The woman stood across from him, arm extended. ‘Julia’ she said as Neal fumbled to half-stand in the booth.

‘Sam’ he said, surprised at how easily the lie had spilled from his lips.

Her hand felt delicate in his yet it was unusually strong and for a fleeting moment, Neal thought of Sara.

‘Please, have a seat’ Neal said, recovering his cool demeanour. He watched as she slipped seamlessly into the booth across from him and placed her drink in front of her.

‘Don’t you just hate travelling on your own?’ she asked, by way of breaking the ice.

Neal just stared back, non-committal, an awkward smile on his lips.

‘Are you here on business?’ she continued in response to his silence – a more pointed question that required an answer.

‘Actually, I live here in New York. I’m just here for a quiet drink’ Neal confessed as he searched her eyes.‘… I needed to get away from home for a little while, that’s all.’

She nodded, obviously curious as to his answer and she eyed Neal up and down as the smile returned to her lips. Neal was feeling slightly uncomfortable and badly in need of shifting the attention away from himself. He flashed her a Caffrey smile before speaking.

‘What about you, Julia? Are you staying here at the hotel?’ he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

‘I am’ she answered just as cryptically.

He reached out for his glass of scotch and the soft candlelight on the table reflected off his wedding band as he moved. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she’d noticed it and he knew he was busted. Without missing a beat, the sultry look returned to her eyes and she lifted one of her long slender fingers and pointed to the piece of jewelry. 

‘Marital problems?’ she asked, her voice deep.

‘Just a bit of a rough patch’ he admitted, playing the sympathy card.

His eyes went to her left hand, spotting a beautiful diamond set with two smaller emeralds. It was always harder to tell with women, after all, wedding rings came in all kinds of shapes and sizes. 

‘What about you?’ he asked, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

Her smile widened but she didn’t answer and Neal felt compelled to fill the awkward silence.

‘So what brings you to New York?’ he finally asked, trying to relax. 

‘Work’ she said with a sigh.‘My company is refurbishing a couple of floors of the Met building.’

‘Architect?’ Neal asked.

‘Interior design’ she answered, her eyes not venturing from his.

Try as he might, and admittedly he wasn’t trying terribly hard, Neal couldn’t pull his eyes away from hers. She had piercing green eyes, and such a strong presence that it was impossible to turn his gaze away.

‘I worked all day today and skipped lunch’ she continued. ‘What do you know about the restaurant here in the hotel?’

‘The Auden Bistro? They have amazing seafood up there’ he answered, thinking back to his date night with Sara the summer before and the great meal they’d had there.

Julia didn’t miss a beat and she gave him another one of her killer smiles – damn it, this woman could have conned _him_ in his conman days.

‘Love seafood!’ she said with a throaty laugh. ‘But I _hate_ eating alone. I don’t suppose I could talk you into joining me?’

Neal swallowed and hesitated for a brief moment. She was good company and he _was_ famished.

‘Sure’ he answered for a second time.

Twenty minutes later, they were seated in the restaurant in a nice secluded corner and the waiter stood before them awaiting their drink order. 

Julia put out her hand, deferring to Neal. 

‘How about a nice Italian Merlot?’ Neal suggested as Julia nodded, one eyebrow raised in agreement.

‘Yes sir’ said the waiter before stepping away from the couple.

‘So, Sam, what’s good here?’ Julia asked as her eyes swept over the menu.

‘I recommend the sea bass, my wi-‘ Neal began spontaneously, stopping suddenly to peek over his menu with an embarrassed grin. 

‘Your wife…’ she said, smiling coyly and urging him to finish what he was about to say.

‘Sorry... the last time I was here was last year... with my wife. She _loves_ seafood and we came here on our first date after our daughter was born’ Neal admitted, sharing much more information than he’d intended to.

‘How old is your daughter?’ Julia asked.

‘She’s almost nineteen months old’ Neal answered with a spontaneous smile on his lips.

‘That must keep you busy, huh?’ said Julia, without missing a beat. 

The waiter reappeared with the wine and Neal nodded as he read the label. He pointed to Julia’s glass, silently asking the waiter to let her sample it and she nodded as she took a sip.

‘Delicious’ she said.

‘Have you made a choice for dinner?’ the waiter asked.

‘I’ll have the sea bass’ said Julia as she smirked at Neal.

‘And I’ll go with the linguine with clams’ said Neal, closing his menu and handing it back to the waiter.

‘So, tell me about your little girl’ said Julia, leaning forward in her chair.

Neal didn’t need much prodding when it came to talking about his daughter; she was his world and he could speak about her for hours on end. 

‘Her name is Hope. She’s incredible – she’s talking up a storm right now and she’s just entering the ‘terrible twos’ Neal said as he watched a question mark appear in Julia’s eyes.

‘You know... that period when ‘no’ is the first word out of their mouth... she wants to do everything by herself and if we try to help her, she pushes us away. She’s a lot like her mother that way’ he added.

‘Tell me about her mom’ Julia prodded.

‘Sara? Oh, she’s amazing. She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met’ said Neal, with a faraway look in his eyes. ‘She’s beautiful, witty, smart, sexy…’

‘Well, that does beg the question, doesn’t it?’ asked Julia. Neal saw her shift in her seat as she crossed her legs under the table and he felt her foot gently brush against his leg. 

‘You mean, why I’m sitting here with you instead of at home with my wife?’ Neal said.

Julia nodded and waited patiently as she sipped her wine.

‘We’re just... not communicating very well right now’ Neal began, suddenly uneasy about what he was about to share. ‘I don’t feel like my wife needs me very much at the moment. She’s a very self-sufficient, headstrong woman... actually, it’s one of the things I love best about her but it’s also the thing that drives me nuts. She’s going through a rough time right now and I’m having trouble getting through to her... you know, to let her know just how much I love her and how much I want to be with her.’

Julia grew quiet as she listened.‘She’s a very lucky woman.’

‘I don’t know about that’ Neal said with a sigh. ‘I’m the lucky one.’

Julia grew quiet and Neal tried to guess what she might be thinking. Despite his feelings for his wife, here he was in a hotel restaurant, sitting across from a beautiful woman and wondering what it might be like to kiss her luscious lips. He shook off the feeling and moved his eyes from Julia’s mouth to her eyes.

‘What about you? Anyone special in _your_ life?’ he finally asked.

‘Yeah, there is’ Julia said and Neal thought he saw the same look of awkwardness he’d noticed earlier.‘He’s a wonderful guy... he’s smart, artistic, sensitive, wears his heart on his sleeve…’ she said with a choked laugh.

‘And…’ Neal left the question unasked.

‘Well... sometimes I worry about him getting hurt so I push him away... you know, to shelter him’ she said, looking out at the Manhattan skyline.

Neal listened intently as she spoke. Her eyes returned to meet his. ‘I’m surprised he puts up with it, frankly.’

The two of them stared into each other’s eyes, perhaps searching for what had been left unsaid.

‘Sounds like we both could do with a little break from the routine’ said Neal as he noticed Julia’s hand inching towards his. Part of him wanted to pull away but he didn’t and the soft touch of her hand on his brought out a longing he hadn’t realized he’d been feeling... a yearning to be touched and needed.

Dinner arrived and they ate, returning to safer topics, her career, his extensive knowledge of art and culture. It felt nice to be able to share a good meal with a beautiful woman and leave all the heartache of Sara’s disease behind them. As dinner wound down, they were becoming increasingly comfortable in each other’s presence and the discussion inevitably turned to their plans for the rest of the evening.

‘I don’t want the evening to end’ Julia admitted as they sipped on coffee and shared a piece of velvety cheesecake. ‘Why don’t you come up to my room for a nightcap? I saw some decent looking brandy in the liquor cabinet.’ 

Neal studied her thoughtfully. She was gorgeous, confident and sexy and her eyes shone as if they were hiding some deep dark secret. To say he wasn’t tempted was untrue.

‘Here...’ she continued as she placed a room key on the table between them ‘... it’s up to you.’

Neal froze for an instant as he saws the room number – 1503 – and his mind flashed to his previous visit to the Ritz. 

‘Just give me a few minutes and come on up...’ she continued as she leaned in to touch his hand once more.

Neal watched her walk away, the sway of her hips, the bounce of her hair and he stuffed the room key into his breast pocket.

WCWCWC

The elevator door opened onto the 15th floor and Neal took a cursory glance down the hallway to his right. He knew exactly where room 1503 was and he walked purposefully towards the suite, unwilling to stop and think more clearly about what he was doing. With a quick and decisive swipe, he unlocked the door to the room and stepped in, noticing the semi-darkness that cloaked the high end suite. 

There was muted light coming from the bathroom but the room itself was dark and his eyes searched, finding Julia standing by the large window, her gorgeous silhouette against the Manhattan skyline.He could see that she’d stepped out of her dress which lay on the floor nearby and, as his eyes grew accustomed to the faint light, she turned to face him and he could make out that she was wearing a very skimpy silk slip which barely covered her body and had the same plunging neckline as her dress.She began to walk towards him and Neal could feel his heart pumping wildly in his chest, a combination of arousal and apprehension for what he was about to do.

‘You came’ she whispered as she began the deliberate walk towards him. Neal stood, hypnotized, as she moved slowly in his direction, looking like a predatory animal preparing to strike its prey – although, in this case, the prey was more than eager to submit to the imminent attack. 

Neal’s breathing could be heard in the quiet room, becoming more irregular with every step she took.She moved gracefully yet purposefully and by the time she reached him, their arms opened up simultaneously and their bodies pressed up fiercely against each other as both of them let out a loud grunt in response to the impact. His lips found hers as if he’d known them forever and he kissed her hungrily as she moaned in his mouth. 

‘You’re _so_ beautiful’ he managed to say as he brought his hands up to her hair, cupping her face to look into her eyes. Before she knew it, his hands had moved to her thighs, running up to cup her buttocks and Julia let out a loud groan as he squeezed.

‘Sam...’ she said breathlessly and Neal smiled at the sound of his latest alias.

‘Julia...’ he whispered with a wry smile as he manoeuvred them both over to the nearby bed. 

Her hands were all over him, trying to extricate him from his clothes and he willingly submitted to her insistent tugging. His face fell between her breasts and he let out a loud moan, his hunger for her growing more insistent with every passing moment.

He pulled away, looking down at this woman, the woman he would willingly lay down his life for, the woman who’d saved him from a life of straying, the woman with whom he shared the most precious of things.

‘I love you so much’ he murmured before returning his lips to her warm, willing body. He’d missed her and now, she was here, eager and pliant in his arms, and he wanted her to know everything she meant to him.

Their bodies began to move together as she struggled with removing the last of Neal’s clothing.Without removing his hands from her body, he managed to kick off his pants, sending them flying off the bed and onto the floor. His phone came tumbling out of his pants pocket, rolling onto the floor and the movement caused the screen to light up, revealing Sara’s last text message to him.

_‘Meet me in the bar at the Ritz and don’t ask any questions’_

TBC


	25. Chapter 25

‘ _You_ are incredible...’ Neal murmured as he kissed Sara’s forehead.‘...and crazy!’

Sara let out a giggle as she lay, curled up in his arms. ‘So you liked Julia, huh?’

‘ _Liked_ her?’ Neal said. ‘She’s... I mean _you’re_ hot!’

The dark curly wig lay on the bedside table – totally unsuitable for sleeping and cuddling. Sara had switched over to the small woolen cap, her headgear of choice for bedtime. Neal lay there, totally spent, a glow on his face as he reflected on the little role playing they’d just engaged in. 

‘A couple of times there, I felt like I was _really_ cheating on you’ he said, placing another soft kiss on her forehead.

‘Oh, yeah?’ Sara countered.She was quite pleased with herself and her little subterfuge. ‘Well, you should have seen your face when I walked up to your table at the bar. You looked terrified you were going to say the wrong thing; I’ve never seen you look so flustered.’

‘Well, I’m not used to cheating on my wife and if you don’t mind, I’d prefer to keep it that way.’ Neal whispered.

It got quiet for a moment, the full moon blanketing the hotel suite with its golden glow.

‘So, what brought all this on, anyway?’ Neal finally asked. Except for the text telling him to show up at the hotel and wait for her in the bar, he hadn’t known what to expect.

‘Believe it or not, it was Janet. First off, she made me realize that pushing you away wasn’t the most strategic of moves...’ she began as she felt Neal nodding against her.

‘...and she suggested I get a wig that would make me feel sexy, make me feel like a woman again.’

‘Smart lady...’ Neal murmured. 

‘Sara…’ he whispered as he got up on one elbow and turned to gaze at her, looking so very different without the wig. ‘I have to admit it was fun but...I don’t need all the bells and whistles to want to make love to you. I love you, no matter what’s on your head’ he added as he placed a warm, lingering kiss on her lips.

Sara sniffled and let out a sad laugh. ‘I know...’ she said.

‘Did you mean all those things you told Julia about your wife?’ she asked, suddenly curious.

‘Of course I did. I’ll tell you something, it was a lot easier to get Julia to listen to me than you. You haven’t been very receptive to what I’ve had to say the last few weeks’ Neal commented as he ran his hand lovingly down her cheek. 

‘I’m sorry. When you asked me about the man in my life, I realized that I’ve been feeling like I need to protect you... from seeing me at my worse...’

‘Babe... it kills me when you push me away. Don’t you know, I just want to be there, whatever that is, holding your hand, rubbing your back... whatever you want, whatever you need.’

‘Okay...’ Sara said meekly. ‘I promise I’ll try.’

Neal returned to lying on his back and Sara curled up against him, his hand returning to lingering up and down her arm. 

‘In a couple of days, it starts all over again’ he said quietly as Sara nodded. ‘I don’t want to have to leave the house when you start getting sick this time.’

He could feel Sara wavering; after all this sharing, she still seemed to be holding back.

‘What is it Repo? What is it you’re _not_ telling me?’ he asked patiently.

He could feel Sara crying softly, her body shaking and he pulled her in a little tighter.

‘I guess I’m scared that if you’re there, I won’t be able to hold back and I’ll turn into a... a quivering bowl of jelly. I want to be strong...’

‘Oh, baby, you _are_ strong, _so_ strong’ Neal said, feeling emotion rising in him. ‘But strong doesn’t mean doing everything by yourself.We’re in this together, don’t you know that by now?’

‘But I don’t want to... fall apart...’ Sara said, her voice faltering.

‘Just... just let it all go. I’ve got your back, no matter what’ Neal said. ‘I’ll be there to pick up the pieces. I promise I will. Just... just give me a chance to be there for you – like you’re always there for me.’

Sara’s sobbing grew louder and Neal cradled her lovingly against him. He could do this, he knew he could. If Sara needed him to be the strong one, he could handle it... just as long as she didn’t shut him out.

WCWCWC

Tuesday morning rolled around, the beginning of another cycle and Neal came down to find Sara and Hope, sitting at the kitchen table, huddled together. Upon seeing her dad, Hope wriggled off her mom’s lap and ran towards him, excited.

‘Poppa! Day, day!’ she screamed as she threw her arms around his legs. Neal leaned down to pick her up and gave his wife a quizzical stare – usually he was aces at deciphering Hope’s shorthand but he didn’t have a clue what she was trying to say. 

Sara stood to join them, putting her arms around both of them and placing a kiss on Neal’s cheek.‘I think what Hope is _trying_ to say is ‘Happy Birthday, Daddy!’

‘Day! Day!’ the toddler repeated as Neal beamed at her.

‘Thank you sweet pea’ he said as he kissed her hair.

‘Poppa!’ she screamed in his ear as she pointed eagerly to the kitchen table where Neal could see a couple of gifts in front of the spot where he usually had his breakfast.

‘Presents?’ he said as he walked over to take a closer look. He sat with Hope on his lap as the toddler reached out to grab one of the gifts and proceeded to unwrap it.So much for protocol.

‘That’s from Hope’ Sara said as she watched Neal’s glowing face.

‘Baby!Did you make this for me?’ he asked as she nodded enthusiastically. Neal looked down at the scribbles on the page – she definitely had inherited his talent. 

‘This is beautiful!’ he exclaimed as Hope smiled widely. ‘Daddy’s going to put in on the fridge so everyone can see it.’

His eyes returned to another wrapped gift, in the shape of a box. ‘You already gave me my present Saturday night’ he said lewdly as he glanced at his wife.

She shrugged. ‘It’s just a little something... to add to your collection.’

Neal unwrapped the packaged, discovering a beautiful set of pastels. ‘How did you know?’ he said with a wide smile.

‘Hum... I poked around your studio and noticed you were running low on some of the colours’ she said, pleased with herself.

He stood to give his wife a hug. ‘Thanks!’ he said as Hope began to jump up and down.

When you were almost two, a birthday was a birthday – no matter whose special day it was.

WCWCWC

True to her word, Sara did not chase Neal away when Thursday rolled around – although she did accept Donna Mason’s invitation to have Hope visit for the day. She spent most of the day in bed, sleeping fitfully between doses of Advil and Neal remained right by her side as she fought the inevitable aches and pains. For the first time since the ordeal had begun, she allowed Neal to lay with her, his arms gently holding her as she writhed on the bed – despite what she’d feared, it was comforting to have him there. 

Once asleep, Neal would slip out of their room and down the hall to his studio to work on a couple of pieces he’d started. The sketch he’d done of Sara sleeping had morphed into a beautiful watercolour and he’d used the new pastels he’d gotten a few days earlier to draw her with her woolen cap as she played with Hope. Whenever he heard her moving, he’d return to see if she needed anything and just sit in the armchair by the bed and talk to her, telling her about all the wonderful things they would do once she came out of the fog she was in.

Sara’s friendship with Elizabeth had been another casualty of her misguided need to isolate herself and on Friday, she agreed to let El come over for a while. The women sat on the couch in the family room chatting quietly between bouts of heaving and Neal came home from getting groceries to find Sara asleep with her head lying on El’s lap as El ran her hand lovingly up and down his wife’s back.

‘How is she?’ Neal whispered as he stepped in and deposited the grocery bags on the kitchen counter.

‘She’s been asleep for about ten minutes’ El said with a sad smile.

‘That’s got to be a record’ Neal admitted as he stepped closer towards them. He could see the sadness in Elizabeth’s eyes and he smiled at her reassuringly.

‘At least she’s not shutting us out’ he murmured as El nodded and wiped a tear from her cheek.

She swallowed hard and let out a quivering breath. ‘If this is too hard for you...’ Neal began.

‘No, no, of course not. I _want_ to be here.’ Elizabeth said as Sara stirred.

‘Awww’ Sara moaned as she sat up and tried to stand, unsteady. Neal grabbed her by the waist and supported her as she did her impression of ‘running’ to the bathroom. They made it just in time and Sara began to heave, her stomach already empty. Neal kneeled down next to her, his hand on her back, breathing hard as he watched the superhuman efforts his wife was making, her whole body shaking from the exertion.

It wasn’t easy to watch but it was infinitely better than being shut out and left to imagine what she was going through alone.

WCWCWC

On her fourth go-around, Sara walked into the chemo unit with slight apprehension; some of the women she’d grown close to over the past couple of months had finally finished with their treatments and the chemistry between the group of six was now being altered as newcomers were added to the mix. 

Sara was feeling like an old pro at this and she’d insisted Neal take a break and spend time visiting with Peter at the office for the morning.He’d reluctantly agreed, on the condition he join her at lunchtime and he promised to bring along one of Nate’s famous Reuben sandwiches which Sara, oddly, had been craving over the past few days.

There where cancer treatments every day of the week in the gynecology ward but all the nurses knew that the 'Tuesday ladies' were the craziest bunch and the nurses would even switch shifts amongst themselves to get a front row seat to the shenanigans. The ladies would get carried away as the day wore on, getting a bit loopy from their medication. They would tell bawdy jokes and they even had a Scrabble tournament going on, with Jill the undisputed champion.

Grace had finished her treatments three weeks earlier and this was Clara's last day. Jill and Sara were the only two remaining of the original group although Janet was scheduled for two more sessions, having missed her last treatment due to poor blood levels. 

The first thing Sara noticed when she walked into the room was a young woman, about her age, chatting with one of the nurses. She was a newcomer and she was being given the lowdown on her treatments as a handsome young man stood by her side. Sara smiled at her as she caught her eye; this was like déjà vu as Sara thought back to her first day in the chemo ward. She reflected how, sadly, another young couple’s lives was about to be turned upside down by this terrible disease. 

As she settled in at her usual chair, Sara noticed how quiet it was and how Janet was not in her usual spot, in the middle bed.

‘Where's Janet today?' she asked Joanne as the nurse began setting her up with her Benadryl pump.

'They cancelled her treatment today' Joanne said. 'There's a shortage of one of the drugs she needs and Janet...'

'What?' interrupted Sara as she read between the lines. 'You mean, she's on her way out so she doesn't get first dibs?'

She regretted the harshness in her voice almost immediately.

'Sorry' she said as she watched Joanne’s face. 'So what does that mean?'

'Look, Sara, I can't discuss another patient's situation with you, you know that' said Joanne, but the look in her eyes told Sara all she needed to know.

WCWCWC

Neal strode into the White Collar unit as he did every single time, with his head held high and that annoying swagger in his step. He’d been away for a few weeks now and it felt great to be back, a break from all the ups and downs of life at home. Although he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but by Sara’s side, it was nice to get the chance to spend some time with Peter and the White Collar gang.He’d been hesitant to drop Sara off at the hospital all on her own, but he had to admit, she’d been right, a few hours with the old gang was just what the doctor ordered. 

Just as he stepped off the elevator, he got a text from Sara, telling him about the situation with Janet and suddenly what had been intended as a social call seemed to want to morph into something else.He waved to a few of the probies and agents and strode up towards Peter’s office, just as Jones came across his path. 

‘Caffrey!’ he said in greeting.

‘Hey Jones, how are you?’ Neal responded, noting a look of... something in the agent’s eyes.He slowed is pace; Jones obviously had something on his mind.

'Good...good. It’s been awhile’ he said, tentatively. ‘Although... I could have sworn I saw you a couple of weeks back. I was out on a date at the Auden Bistro...' he slowed down to see if Neal would volunteer any information.

Neal knew where this was going and he thought he'd let Jones squirm a bit longer before putting the man out of his misery. 

Clinton took a deep breath before continuing. 'I could have sworn I saw you there with a beautiful brunette' he finally blurted out, embarrassed.

Neal just arched his eyebrow, trying to look mischievous and debonair. 'You did' he said, simply.

'Oh' said Clinton unsure what else to say. He thought he knew Caffrey pretty well but then again, you really never knew what went on behind closed doors.

Finally, Neal thought the poor guy had suffered enough. 'So... you liked Sara's new wig, then' he said mischievously.

Jones just did a mental eye roll – well, it wasn't just mental – and started to laugh as Neal joined in.

'It's okay, Jones. I appreciate you looking out for me but all’s good on the home front’ added Neal as he continued on his way to Peter's office.

He knocked but didn't wait for a response before barging in, interrupting Peter who was in deep conversation with Diana about some case.

'Neal, barge right in' Peter said sarcastically.

'Sorry, guys. Hi Diana' said Neal unapologetically.

'Peter, what's going on with the Smirle Pharmaceuticals case?' he asked without as much as taking a breath.

'Not much. It's one of many cases we've got in the hopper and we still haven't come up with any evidence that they're sitting on those drugs' answered Peter.

'Put me in, then' said Neal without missing a beat.

'What?'

'Send me in, undercover' Neal repeated.

'What's going on, Neal?'

'What's going on is that there are people who need those drugs and aren't getting them – and now, it's personal. One of the women who has her chemo with Sara just got cut off and she needs that medication.'

'So, what do you have in mind?' Peter asked.

TBC


	26. Chapter 26

'Damn it!' Joanne muttered under her breath as she did a routine check of her patient’s IV. Sara's eyes popped open to see what was up; she'd been having one of her frequent 'chemo' catnaps.

'What's the matter?' she asked groggily, as she watched the nurse remove the needle from her arm.

'Your chemo is leaking into your skin' she responded.

'What?' Sara said, now fully awake.

'It happens sometimes, the needle slips out of the vein and the drugs start leaking into the skin tissue' Joanne said. 'Sorry Sara. I'm going to have to start all over again.'

Sara let out a sigh; it was past 11:30 and she had a good six hours of this ahead of her - which meant they wouldn't be getting out of there any time soon. Joanne had just left to get the needed supplies when Neal appeared in the doorway to the room, looking like the cat who swallowed the canary.

'Reuben sandwich from Nate's and an iced tea – as requested!' he declared with a wide grin as he held up his purchases. He noticed the look of disappointment on Sara's face and his eyes moved to the IV pole which had been pulled off to one side.

'What's going on?' he asked as he took the seat next to his wife.

'Some... stupid malfunction with the intravenous line' she muttered as she rubbed her arm. She was sick and tired of being used as a pin cushion and worse yet, they had recently graduated to putting her line in on the top of her hand instead of her arm, something that was much more painful.

'What kind of malfunction?' he asked, just as Joanne reappeared.

'The kind I should have noticed an hour ago' mumbled Joanne as she prepared to re-start the procedure. 'Look, I don't know how much of the stuff actually made it into your veins, so I'm going to have to start from the beginning' she said as she hung a couple of bags of meds off the IV pole.

'Is this because of the size of her veins?' Neal asked, concerned.

Joanne raised an eyebrow in response. 'Her veins _are_ delicate and we've started to run out of the good, juicy ones to pump the poison into' she said wryly.

The decision to forego installing a portacath seemed to be coming back to bite them in the ass. Sara had only two more treatments to go; it seemed like an extreme measure to have one installed now when they were so close to the finish line. Joanne got everything set up, starting Sara off with the obligatory dose of Benadryl and Sara smiled wanly at Neal as her eyes began to droop in reaction to the drug.

'See you in a few min...' she murmured as she gave in and let her eyes drift shut.

Neal placed a kiss on her forehead and followed Joanne out of the room; as primary caregiver for Sara, it was his job to ask all the hard questions and make sure they knew everything they needed to know in order to make the right decisions.

'So, she might be getting a larger dose than usual?' he asked as he followed the nurse to the desk.

'It's possible but I don't know how much actually entered her system before the needle slipped out so I need to give her another full dose' she explained.

Neal frowned and nodded in understanding. 'And the stuff that leaked into her skin?'

'Just keep an eye out for infection over the next few days - redness, pain and if there's anything at all, bring her into the ER' Joanne said.

Neal nodded. Another complication they didn't need. At least they'd been lucky that Sara's blood work had been good thus far and she hadn't had any of her treatments cancelled. He made his way back to the treatment room, smiling at Clara as he returned to the chair next to Sara. She was still in 'Benadryl land', something that usually lasted about ten minutes and he watched her relaxed face as she slept. She always looked so fragile when she was hooked up to the IV pole, paler somehow and tiny – no sign of the feisty, combative Sara Ellis he knew so well.

'I'm fine' he heard her say as her eyes opened. 'Stop worrying.'

'I knew I should’ve come in with you this morning...' he began, shaking his head.

'Neal, stop it. I told you, I'm fine. Now tell me, how did it go with Peter?'

A smile returned to Neal's face; that smile he got when he was about to get involved in some ambiguously grey area of law enforcement. He dropped his voice, accentuating the sensitive nature of what he was about to say. 'He's going to put me in undercover at the pharmaceutical plant so I can snoop around and see what I can find.'

Sara watched the excitement dancing in Neal's eyes – that look he got whenever he was about to go undercover and make use of his unique skills to con some bad guys for the greater good. She raised an eyebrow and he brought the enthusiasm down a notch as he noticed he had inadvertently gotten the attention of some of the women in the room. He reached for the sandwich he'd brought for Sara.

'Hungry?' he asked mischievously.

WCWCWC

Ever since they'd discussed setting up a sting at Smirle Pharmaceuticals, Neal had been raring to go. Peter had needed a few days to set up the operation and to make sure Neal's alias was solid. In the meantime, Neal was sticking close to home as Sara suffered through the first few days post chemo. If anything, the side effects were even worse than the first three times and Neal wondered just how much of the virulent drugs had actually made their way into Sara's system before the mishap with the intravenous line. During the first three cycles, the aches and pains hadn't surfaced until Sara woke on Thursday morning but on this occasion, by bedtime Wednesday night, she was already moaning in pain and Neal had called El to see if she would take Hope over to Brooklyn first thing in the morning. Although Sara slept reasonably well most nights, on this night, she was in agony and she curled up in a little ball, refusing to let Neal touch her as he tossed and turned next to her, worrying about the amplified side effects of her latest dose of poison.

The following morning, once Hope was finally out of the house, Neal brought up some tea and Sara sat up and tried her best to drink a little before giving up and turning onto her left side with Neal curled up ever so gingerly behind her. Despite his ongoing concern for his wife's wellbeing, Neal was exhausted and he somehow managed to nod off, waking to the sound of Sara whimpering in her sleep as she rocked back and forth beside him. She was overdue for her next dose of Advil and, after slipping on those god awful gloves and helping her in the bathroom, Neal got Sara settled once more on the bed and he curled up in the armchair by the bed to keep an eye on her as she slept fitfully.

It was already late October and except for the wonderful week they'd spent at the cottage back in August, the last four months had been nothing but a blur of pain and heartache. It seemed like ages since Neal had seen Sara at her best, full of life and full of the vital energy that was her trademark. Before long, it would be Christmas and they would finally have all this behind them, although he knew it would be months, if not years, before he got his wife back, the way she used to be. He thought of Janet who, by all accounts, had all but given up. Neal had been in touch with Harold and the man had confided that Janet seemed to have lost some of her fight over the past few weeks, something that seemed impossible to imagine when one knew this spirited, feisty woman.

Despite everything, the odds were excellent that Sara would eventually pull through - she was otherwise healthy, she was young and, miraculously, the cancer had been detected early on. Yet, Neal lived with the constant fear that she would somehow be ripped away from him and Hope.

Up until two years earlier, Neal Caffrey had never even envisioned sharing his life with someone, let alone being a married man with a daughter, a mortgage and a backyard full of flower beds and yet, now, it was impossible to imagine his life being anything other than exactly what it was. He smiled at the realization and he gazed at Sara lying on the bed, _their_ bed... in _their_ house. It was hard to stand by and watch helplessly as she went through all the pain and suffering but it was infinitely better than having her push him away and keep him on the outside.

'Neeeal...' he heard as his eyes moved to Sara's contorted face.

'I'm right here, sweetheart' he murmured, rushing to her side.

WCWCWC

'I don't _want_ to go...' Sara whined as Neal examined her arm once more.

'Honey, this looks infected. It's hot and red...'

'Owww!' Sara said as Neal pressed gently on her forearm.

'...and sore' he added. 'Come on, we don't have a choice. You need to have this looked at.'

The last thing Sara Ellis wanted was to make another trip to the hospital; she spent more than enough time there as it was. She had to admit, however, that since her last treatment, her left arm was getting progressively worse with each passing day. It was the weekend, days after her chemo and the offending spot had bloomed into a large, nasty looking red blotch on her forearm which seemed to be growing in size day by day.

The mere mention of her status as a cancer patient immediately got Sara through triage at White Plains Hospital. The diagnosis was unequivocal: cellulitis caused by chemo and within an hour, Neal and Sara were on their way home with a prescription for antibiotics in their hands.

It was yet another unexpected detour in the wonderful maze known as cancer.

WCWCWC

By the following week, a semblance of normalcy had returned once again to the little house on Meadowbrook Street. The infection Sara had suffered seemed to be under control and she was feeling more energetic and less focussed on her troublesome symptoms. She still 'crashed' regularly throughout the day, unable to stay up for more than a few hours at any given time but the week before chemo meant she felt better and stronger than any other week of the sick, twisted cycle.

On Friday morning, Sara woke from her mid-morning nap to the happy sounds of Neal and Hope giggling from across the hall. Curious, she followed the cheerful noises, opening the door to Neal’s studio to find the two of them dancing to soft music playing in the background. They’d taken off their shoes and socks and had apparently dipped their feet in paint as they moved back and forth to the sound of the beat, giggling irrepressibly. Sara watched with wonder as Neal hovered over Hope, holding her tiny hands in his as they both left colourful footprints along the strip of newsprint he'd laid on the ground for their latest collaborative work of art.

'Hi!' Neal said, as he looked up, his cheeks covered with blotches of bright red and blue paint and a warm smile on his face. 'Did we wake you?'

'No' Sara said as she burst out laughing. They were quite the sight.

‘Mama!' Hope shrieked as she waved excitedly to her mom. 'Paint!'

'I can see that!' Sara said as she got closer in order to admire their masterpiece. 'Wow! That's beautiful!' she enthused.

'I guess we kind of... got carried away' Neal said as he took in the mess in the room.

'Well, don't stop on my account' Sara said with a hearty laugh.

'I'll just get us cleaned up and I'll see about getting lunch started...' Neal began as Sara smiled – a bright smile, unlike he'd seen in quite a while.

'No rush...' Sara said as she turned to leave. 'Honey, I was thinking... maybe I'd run out and pick up a few things at the grocery store' she added tentatively.

Neal gave her a troubled look; they both knew she was supposed to avoid crowds.

'C'mon Neal!' Sara whined. 'I've been cooped up for days. I'll be careful... just this once.'

'Sara...' Neal said in warning. 'I really don't think that's a good idea. You need to rest.'

'Rest! All I _do_ is rest. Come on, I feel good. I'll just pick up a few things we need for the weekend and I’ll be back before you know it.'

Sara Ellis was a legal adult and she could certainly come and go as she pleased but somehow, she wanted Neal to be on board with her little excursion.

'Just an hour or so...I promise' she pleaded.

She couldn't believe she was begging for the opportunity to go grocery shopping – a task they tried to pawn off each other every chance they got.

Neal sat Hope down on a nearby towel he'd set out. 'Why don't we _all_ go?' he suggested, looking for a compromise.

'Neal, it'll take you forever to get Hope cleaned up and by the time you do, it'll be time for her nap. I'll only be an hour. Come on!'

Neal gave her a smile - the permission she'd been waiting for and she walked over to kiss the tip of his nose - the only part of his face that wasn't covered in paint.

'Call me if...' Neal started – but Sara was already half-way out of the room.

'I know, I know' she answered excitedly as if her daddy had given her permission to stay out past midnight.

Neal watched from the bedroom window as Sara backed the car out of the driveway; he couldn’t have been more worried if she was catching a flight to the Peruvian jungle. He got himself and Hope washed up, his eyes glued to the clock and by the time noon rolled around, he and Hope were settled in the kitchen getting lunch ready and waiting anxiously for Sara’s return.

WCWCWC

Sara’s eyes lit up as she entered the grocery store; finally, life... a semblance of normalcy. It was the oddest of outings yet she felt vibrant and alive as she watched the bustling crowd rushing around the busy store. 

‘Sara!’ she heard as she turned the corner into the produce section.

‘Myrtle, hi!’ Sara said to their kind next door neighbour.

‘You look great!’ the woman said. ‘Is that a new hair colour? It’s beautiful!’

Sara touched her wig absentmindedly.‘It’s a...’

‘Oh, I’m sorry... I just wasn’t thinking’ Myrtle added, suddenly embarrassed.

‘It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I love the colour too’ Sara said, trying to put her at ease. 

The woman’s eyes moved nervously from Sara’s face to the purchases in her basket, pointing to some russet potatoes. ‘I was thinking I’d make you a shepherd’s pie this week, would that be okay?’

Sara gave her a bright smile. ‘Hope _loves_ shepherd pie’ Sara enthused. ‘Thanks Myrtle... and that lasagna you sent over last week was delicious!’

Myrtle Stevens had been dropping off a casserole a week for the past month and despite her initial reticence, Sara was now graciously accepting the offerings.

‘I’ll get Neal to drop off the dish’ she added as they parted ways and continued on her way.

Sara tried to focus. Her memory was horrible since she’d started chemo, especially her short term memory and she began to chant silently ‘ _Milk and butter, milk and butter, milk and butter’_ as she dragged herself to the other end of the store. The shopping cart felt heavy and difficult to manoeuvre and the more she pushed, the more tedious it got – even her legs were getting heavy and by the time she finally made it to the dairy aisle, she felt like she couldn’t take another step. She looked around, spotting a bench nearby where some of the feature items were set up.She carved a little space for herself and promptly let herself fall as her legs finally gave out.

WCWCWC

‘So, where are you... exactly?’ Neal asked as Hope watched his face darken.

‘Just stay put. Give us about twenty minutes to walk over’ he said as he began to take Hope out of her high chair.

‘Come on, sweet pea. We’re going for a little walk’ he said.

WCWCWC

Neal walked into their neighbourhood grocery store at a rapid clip, Hope enjoying the scenery as he pushed her along in her stroller. With just one car, they did a lot of walking – to the park, to the library, to the nearby bakery. Arriving in the parking lot, Neal noticed their car and he hurried by, eager to catch up to his wife and see how she was doing. She’d been on the verge of tears on the phone – more from embarrassment, he’d deduced, than anything else.

She saw him coming from a distance, Hope waving madly and calling out ‘Mama, Mama’ to Sara’s further embarrassment. Her eyes met Neal’s and the floodgates opened as her eyes began to water.

‘Sorry’ she mumbled as he got within earshot. Neal gave her a comforting smile instead of the _‘I told you so’_ he would have been perfectly entitled to unleash.

He crouched down in front of her so that all three of them where at the same eye level and Hope watched the exchange between them, her face serious as she mirrored the look on both her parents’ faces.

He took Sara’s hand. ‘Don’t worry about it’ he said reassuringly.

'I can't even do a grocery order' she blubbered, her voice shaky.

'Awww! Sara... you _will_ again – and so much more. You're in the middle of cancer treatments – this is normal' Neal attempted in an effort to restore her confidence.

Hope nodded in agreement although she had no idea what her dad had just said – all she knew was that her mommy was sad and her daddy was being kind and loving.Sara began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation and she put out her hand for support while Neal helped her stand. 

Within ten minutes, they were home again and Sara had returned to bed for another one of her power naps. 

TBC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I originally posted this story a few years back, some of my readers commented on how in depth and accurate this story was. And for good reason. It is essentially my story, the story of how, by the grace of God, I survived ovarian cancer. And yes, I did have horrible aches and pains on Thursdays and threw up all day on Fridays and I did get cellulitis from the cancer drugs seeping into my skin. And one day, at the supermarket as I stood at the cash register with my wig, a woman commented on my hairstyle and asked where I'd gotten my haircut. And like Sara, I crashed at the grocery store and to this day, still worry about whether I'll have the energy to get myself home again whenever I do a grocery run.


	27. Chapter 27

It had taken Peter over a week to set up the sting operation. In the end, he’d arranged for Neal to go in undercover as a physical plant employee at Smirle Pharmaceuticals and so, the week before Sara’s fifth round of chemo, Neal Caffrey morphed into Tony Albright and headed out to his new job. 

After changing into the most hideous khaki green uniform he’d ever seen, Neal gave himself an unappreciative glance in the mirror and set out to familiarize himself with the layout of the plant which included an administration pavilion, a production building, research labs and a large warehouse. As a physical plant employee, he was given access to all areas of the compound and he spent the first morning roaming around the site in between changing light bulbs and responding to various requests from the minions who worked at Smirle. The files he had been able to steal – um, borrow – from the CEO's office indicated that there was a stash of drug components somewhere on site and he began by taking a cursory look around all the buildings with the intent of eliminating certain areas of the large complex.

The administration offices were an unlikely place to be stashing drug components but he took a passing look around, noticing Megan, the lovely assistant from Mr. Dwyer's office, coming towards him down the hall. He ducked into a nearby office to avoid her; he would have difficulty explaining that he was Tony Albright from physical plant and not Jeffrey Hines, the IT guy who had shamelessly flirted with her the last time he’d visited the premises.

Once he was able to eliminate the administration building as a hiding place, he turned his attention to the research labs. This was a little trickier considering the security involved but his uniform and Smirle Pharmaceuticals identification badge afforded him a certain amount of freedom to move around although he _was_ called upon to come up with some outlandish explanation when he was found snooping by one of the scientists who walked in on him during one of his searches.

Neal loved the excitement of going undercover, the exhilaration of knowing he could be found out at any moment, the thrill of having to come up with crazy, sometimes unlikely explanations whenever he was caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing. He’d learned long ago that any lie or fabrication, delivered with just the right amount of sincerity and accompanied by a blinding smile always got him off the hook. There was nothing like the thrill of the con although he was fully aware that he had to assess the risk of harm to himself now that he was a husband and father. Hope and Sara counted on him being there, especially now. Nevertheless, the attraction was exhilarating and Neal just couldn’t help playing it close to the edge every chance he got. 

This assignment, however, was personal and he was further motivated to find the proof they needed because of Janet and others like her who depended on their meds to have a fighting chance. That incentive trumped his recklessness and Neal focussed, returning to the job at hand with renewed concentration.

WCWCWC

By the time Neal came home from his blue collar job it was 5:30 and he found Sara and Hope working collaboratively in the kitchen preparing dinner. This was Sara's 'good' week and when she could, she enjoyed being more involved in the day to day chores. Although the nausea and aches and pains were dormant for the time being, the fatigue lingered and that annoyed her as she continued to struggle with day to day tasks.

'I'm home!' he called out as Sara heard the front door open.

His appearance in a dull khaki uniform was jarring and Sara did a double take – seeing Neal Caffrey in a physical plant uniform was not something she saw every day. She smiled approvingly as she took in the sight of him and he just shrugged giving her that adorable look of innocence he could still pull off with such ease.

'I like it’ she said as he walked over to give them both pecks on the cheek.

'Poppa!' shrieked Hope from her place at the table where she was adding already cut vegetables to the salad bowl.

'Look at you helping Mommy. You are _such_ a big girl' said Neal as he grabbed a piece of cucumber from the bowl and watched Hope grin widely, proud to be helping her mom.

Neal returned to Sara’s side; she was looking a little wilted, shoulders drooped ever so slightly in that way he’d learned to recognize.'Why don't you get off your feet and let me finish with that' he said as he came up behind her and put both hands on her hips.

She sighed, wishing she didn’t need the help and reluctantly accepted his offer. ‘Thanks’ she said as she gave him a small kiss and promptly moved to the family room, letting herself drop on the couch.

'So, any luck at the pharmaceutical plant?' she added.

'Not yet' said Neal as he turned down the water for the pasta to a slow boil. 'But I've eliminated a couple of possibilities If they _are_ hiding the stuff there, I doubt it’s in the administration building or the research labs. I'm going to snoop around the warehouse tomorrow – that's the most obvious place anyway.'

'I know this is probably redundant, but... you are being careful, right?' Sara said, her voice weary. 

Neal didn’t go undercover nearly as often these days but she still worried about his impulsive streak.Although he’d evolved since his earlier days, a leopard couldn't change its spots and he was still that reckless, brash guy she'd met years ago - especially if someone he cared about was in need of his help.

He walked over and sat on the arm of the couch, leaning in to catch her lips. 'I promise, I’m being _very_ careful.' The kiss deepened and Neal seemed to forget for a moment that Hope was watching with interest.

'Daddy kiss Mommy' she exclaimed from her high chair as she took in the scene.

'Yes!' said Neal as he stood to return to his daughter’s side. 'Daddy _loves_ Mommy and he likes to kiss her.' 

'I talked to Janet today' said Sara, her thoughts wandering to her new friend. 'She doesn't sound good, Neal. She sounded defeated – although she always puts a good spin on things. She said she was relieved to get a break from the chemo but I don't buy it, not for a minute.'

She piped up, getting an idea. 'Hey, why don't we host a party for the chemo gang?' she said, excitedly. 'Clara and Grace are done with their treatments and Jill will be done on Tuesday. Three more weeks and that'll be me!'

'That’s a great idea!' said Neal. 'How about the second Saturday after your last treatment – give you some time to start feeling better. It'll be mid-December by then... we could make it a Christmas theme.'

'rismas?' said Hope, in the way she had of saying a new word she’d never heard. She would be turning two soon and this would be the first year she would actually get into the whole Christmas thing.

'Oh, you're gonna _love_ Christmas!' Neal exclaimed as he walked over and ruffled her hair. She just stared back at him, needing more information – she didn’t have a clue what this Christmas thing was all about. ’You’ll see’ Neal continued, his voice excited. ‘We'll get a Christmas tree and we’ll decorate the house and Daddy's going to put coloured lights all over the front of the house.' It was their first Christmas in their new home and Neal had been looking forward to doing it up big.

'Lights?' repeated Hope not sure what that was all about.

'And Santa will come and visit and bring you a special present' Neal continued as Sara watched with interest. True to form, Neal’s enthusiasm was contagious and she could see Hope’s face growing more animated. 

'Present!' she repeated. Now, there was a word she’d heard before.

Neal smiled back at his daughter, eyes sparkling. 

Sara listened intently and it hit her once again as it had so many times before. Who _was_ this guy? How had Neal morphed from being the debonair, ne'er do well conman she had met in a courtroom so many years ago to this loving, caring husband and father? He’d always been a good person but he’d been on the road to a very unfulfilling and difficult life and he might have spent most of it in and out of jail if he hadn't met Peter, Elizabeth and all those people they now called their extended family.

Neal glanced over at her, seeing _that_ look in her eyes and just smiled his mega-watt smile.

WCWCWC

By the time Hope was tucked in for the night, Neal could see Sara was also starting to run out of steam. Now that he’d begun to leave her on her own with Hope for longer periods of time, it seemed to be taking its toll on her, although she’d been adamant she was just fine. He stood in the bathroom, brushing his teeth as he heard Sara moving around in their bedroom across the hallway. 

‘Are you sure you don’t want to see if El can come over and give you a hand tomorrow?’ he called out.

‘I’m good, Neal’ she answered patiently although she couldn’t stand his mollycoddling. ‘It’s good for me to do more while I can. Next week, I’ll be glued to the bed again...’

Neal gave himself a cursory glance in the bathroom mirror, running his hand through his hair and through his day old beard growth. Tomorrow, he’d be returning to the pharmaceutical plant and he was feeling increasing pressure to find the needed evidence so they could put this case to bed. He turned off the bathroom light, expecting to find Sara tucked in for the night. What he _did_ find, to his surprise, was Sara, lying across the bed wearing a skimpy nightie, her curly wig on her head.

‘Julia!’ he exclaimed playfully as he crawled onto the bed next to her. ‘I didn’t know you were in town!’

Sara smiled back naughtily, opening her arms to him.

‘Sam...’ she said as he melted in her arms.

WCWCWC

Neal put on his Smirle Pharmaceutical uniform and gave himself the quick once over, frowning at his reflection. This was definitely not his usual look – nor the one he preferred.

‘Well, I think you look hot’ Sara said as she sat up in bed, watching him.

He raised his eyebrows in response.

‘Really, I do’ she added. ‘Why don’t you wear it to bed tonight and I can peel it off you?’ she added suggestively.

‘I think you better pace yourself, Repo’ Neal said as he leaned in to kiss her goodbye. ‘You practically wore me out last night.’

‘It’s that wig’ Sara laughed as she pointed to the curly hairpiece lying on the bedside table. ‘I swear it has magical powers.’

Neal smirked. ‘Look, you won’t be able to reach me but El is home today and she’s just a phone call away, okay?’ Neal said, reverting to his worrywart persona.

‘I promise’ she said as she held onto his shirt collar to keep him close.‘And you...’

‘I know, I know... I’ll be careful’ he said, placing a small kiss on the tip of her nose. ‘I’ll be home in time for dinner.’

On his second day at Smirle, Neal and part of the crew were assigned to paint some of the offices in the administration building and Neal was having a little more difficulty getting away from the watchful eye of his supervisor. He was also aware that he could be busted at any time by the cute little assistant from Mr. Dwyer's office who roamed the halls nearby. Sure enough, just before lunch, Neal came face to face with the young woman, his mind reeling and just like the Grinch – thinking up a lie and thinking it up quick.

'Jeff?' the young woman asked as she got closer, unsure if this was the guy she’d seen awhile back.

'Sorry?' said Neal, feigning ignorance and playing on her obvious hesitation.

'Aren't you Jeff from IT?' she said as she examined him closely. Those deep blue eyes had made quite an impression even though she’d only glanced into them for a short time. 

'No, sorry… the name’s Tony' said Neal, trying to keep a straight face. 

'But you look just like him – we met in my office...' she continued, batting her eyelashes and trying to establish some sort of rapport.

Neal gave her his best innocent look and shoulder shrug and he pointed to his wedding band, letting her know in no uncertain terms that Tony was a married man. 

The young woman walked away, puzzled, and Neal hoped she would somehow let it go; he couldn’t afford to be found out when the stakes were so high. 

Noon rolled around and the crew stopped for lunch, giving Neal some time to move around and start checking out the warehouse which was located at the far end of the complex. It was a small warehouse – as warehouses went – perhaps 3,000 square feet. There was a main door in plain view so Neal walked around to the back where he found a second locked door which was more suitable for the purpose of sneaking in. He made quick work of the lock and stepped into the large space noticing a dozen or so rows of shelving loaded up with boxes of medical equipment, some all the way up to the ceiling.

He could hear a couple of muted voices in the distance and peeking around a corner, he spotted a small office at the front of the building. It was enclosed in glass and he could see two men chatting and laughing as they ate. He gingerly stepped back and as he did, he accidentally bumped one of the shelves and several packages of syringes fell to the ground, making a soft noise. He heard the door to the small office open in the distance and he hastily retreated around the corner noticing a short ladder along the side of the shelf leading to the top shelf. He silently climbed up and lay quietly on top of some of the boxes, hoping he hadn't been spotted.

'I'm telling you Charlie, I heard a noise' said one of the men.

'You're always imagining things' said Charlie as he walked up to where Neal had knocked over the medical supplies 'See, it's just these syringes that fell off the shelf.'

'Well, syringes don't fall off shelves by themselves' said the first man looking around for anyone who might be nearby.

Neal lay very still, hoping they would soon return to their lunch, out of sight. He was in a very uncomfortable position and he could feel the corner of one of the boxes digging into his hip. He looked around, noticing some of the boxes were taped shut while others appeared to have been opened and resealed.

Finally, satisfied that there was no one there, the men started to walk away as they spoke.

'You know how Mr. Dwyer is anal about people coming in here' said the first man. 'We've got a job to do, you know' he said to his co-worker.

'Well, he's paying us enough' said Charlie. 'Whatever he's got in here, he doesn't want anybody to find.'

'It's not our job to know that, just to make sure no one snoops around' answered the first man as their voices faded.

With their backs finally turned, Neal craned his neck, trying to get a glimpse of the two men. One of them was tall and lanky, easily over six feet while the second one shorter with a stocky build – but more importantly, he noticed that both men were armed. 

WCWCWC

'I'm telling you Peter, the stuff's gotta be in that warehouse.' Neal said, gesticulating excitedly. 'Both those guys were armed and they’re _not_ your typical plant workers.'

'That's it. I'm pulling you out' said Peter as they sat face to face in his office.

Neal had come straight over after his shift to fill his boss in on the new developments. He knew he was close to a breakthrough and he wasn't about to give up now.

'No, you can't do that. I'm so close to figuring this out...and I've got an in' said Neal, eyes pleading.

'Neal, I can't put you in that kind of danger. You're not a CI anymore...'

'Peter, I'm a special consultant and you need my skills to pull this off. Give me another day or two and if I'm not successful, we'll try to come up with another strategy' Neal said, sweet talking skills intact.

Peter looked at Neal intently – he was still so good at the art of persuasion.

‘There are guards 24 hours a day – now who would have armed guards watching a warehouse 24/7?’ Neal said, knowing Peter was on the edge of giving in.

Peter hesitated for a moment but Neal knew he had him; Peter was just as eager to get these guys as he was. 

'I don't know Neal...' he said, looking at his best friend. 'You're killing me here... all right, I'll give you until the end of the week but please, please don't take any unnecessary risks.'

Neal nodded and smiled confidently, trying his best to reassure Peter. His mind was already in full solution mode; he would have to be creative if he wanted to get a look at what was in those boxes.

TBC


	28. Chapter 28

‘Moz, can you get me a truck?’ Neal asked as the men sat in the Caffrey kitchen.

‘What kind of truck?’ asked Mozzie, sipping on his wine.

‘I want to move some boxes out of the warehouse at Smirle’s so we can have a look at what’s inside’ said Neal, pointing to something on the plans that were laid out in front of them.

‘So, how are you going to get them to release the boxes – and how do you know which ones to take?’ Mozzie asked.

‘I’m going to concentrate on the boxes that seem to have been tampered with - and don’t worry about the paperwork, I’ll take care of it’ Neal explained.

‘Do you need signage on the truck?’ asked Mozzie with that look of excitement Neal knew all too well. Mozzie loved running cons with Neal. It didn’t happen nearly often enough these days and more often than not, it was in aid of the Suit... but a con was still a con and it always got Mozzie’s blood pumping.

‘Just some transport company’s name... and make sure you get a uniform. I’ll take care of getting the paperwork to the warehouse office’ answered Neal.

Sara reappeared from upstairs, having just put Hope to bed and she couldn’t help but notice the look of concentration on the faces of the two men – a look she knew only too well.

‘I don’t want to know what’s going on, right?’ she asked, knowing full well the answer. 

Whenever Neal got that determined look in his eyes, all that was left was for her to hope that he would take the necessary precautions not to get caught. Neal just looked up innocently and shrugged; she knew this case had gotten personal for him and that he refused to sit by idly while Janet and others were deprived of drugs that could make a difference for them. 

And that, she decided, was all she needed to know.

WCWCWC

Neal arrived early for ‘work’ the next day and headed straight for the physical plant office in search of the form he’d need to get the suspicious boxes released. The department’s secretary, a woman named Sandy was a very disorganized, seemingly overwhelmed, single mother of three kids and Neal had been monitoring her comings and goings all week. He checked his watch; he figured he had about ten minutes before she arrived – late as always. He began to leaf through the folder she kept on her desk with the various blank forms used by the physical plant department. 

‘Hi Manny!’ he heard in the distance. Dammit, she was on time – for the first time this week.  
Neal had just stepped away from her desk, form in his hand when she appeared, looking more relaxed than he’d seen her look all week.

‘Good morning Tony’ she said as she came in and took off her coat. ‘Can I help you with anything?’

Neal gave her a killer smile. ‘I thought you weren’t going to be here for a while...’ he began. There was always an ounce of truth in any con.

She smiled at him and took a sip of the coffee she was holding in her hands. ‘My ex has the kids on Wednesday nights so on Thursday mornings, I only have myself to think about...’

‘I get it’ Neal said, without blinking an eye. ‘The wife and I have four kids and it’s crazy in the morning at our place.’ 

‘What’s that?’ she asked, pointing to the paper in Neal’s hands.

‘Oh, Mr. Dwyer’s office called and asked us to prepare transport for some of the supplies in the warehouse’ Neal said, not breaking eye contact with her.

‘I can do that’ she offered as she put out her hand.

‘Naw, I’m good’ Neal said. I’m headed that way anyway – they’ve got us painting again today.’

She nodded in appreciation. ‘Thanks Tony! You know it’s really nice to have you on the team.’

Neal gave her a self-deprecating smile. ‘I like to help... whenever I can’ he said – which strictly speaking was the truth.

He made his way to the employee lounge and into the bathroom, the only place he could think of where he wouldn’t be disturbed while he filled out the required form and he proceeded to forge the CEO’s signature with a flourish before placing the precious document in his shirt pocket.

WCWCWC

Neal had to bide his time until the first break of the morning which came shortly after 10:30. Mozzie had been on standby and Neal sent him a quick text before heading over to the warehouse where this time, he walked right in the front door and straight to the small office where the same two guys he’d spied earlier were sitting around playing cards.

‘Good morning’ Neal said, all business – somehow his killer smiles didn’t have the same effect on a couple of rough looking dudes with guns.

The taller of the two men, whose name Neal didn’t know was the first to speak up. ‘I don’t remember ever seeing you around here’ he said, eyeing Neal up and down suspiciously.

Neal pointed to his name tag. ‘I just started this week. Mr. Dwyer’s office sent me over with this form – he wants to have some of the supplies moved to the Bronx location and a truck is coming to collect them.’

The guy he knew as Charlie grabbed the form roughly from Neal’s hands and looked it over. It was a request for a number of boxes to be shipped out and it had the name of the company which had been scheduled to make the pickup.

Neal waited as the guard frowned, seemingly suspicious about the situation.

Right on cue, they heard a truck pull up outside and Mozzie appeared at the door in a uniform that made him look like he cleaned toilets at the YMCA.

‘Is this Smirle Pharmaceuticals?’ he asked, playing his role to the hilt.

The two guards looked at each other; they spent days without entertaining any visitors at all and here they were, having their Texas Hold’em tournament being disrupted by two unexpected guests.

Mozzie waved the document he and Neal had doctored over dessert and coffee the night before.

‘Let me see that’ the second guard said gruffly as he grabbed the paper from Mozzie’s hand. 

‘Easy man, where are your manners?’ Mozzie said as Neal gave him a sideways glare. The last thing they needed was to further aggravate two big guys who were packing heat.

‘What is it exactly you’re supposed to take?’ Charlie asked while Mozzie shrugged.

‘Hey, I just drive the truck man’ he said.

Neal spoke up, hoping to move things along. ‘Mr. Dwyer’s office explained which of the boxes had to go; I can show you’ he said. 

‘I don’t like this’ Charlie said grabbing the phone, ostensibly to call the administration office.

‘Look, I was just over there and Mr. Dwyer’s assistant isn’t in today but if you ask me, Mr. Dwyer did not look like he was in a good mood. I wouldn’t bother him if I were you but... hey, it’s up to you; I’m staying out of it....’ said Neal, convincingly. 

Charlie hesitated for a moment and returned his eyes to the release form with the big boss’ signature. The last thing they needed was to bother the head man when they had the proper documentation in their hands – they didn’t give the orders, they just followed them.

He put down the phone ‘All right, Joe, go give him a hand. We sure as hell don’t need any grief from the boss this morning.’

The guard and Neal made their way to the back of the warehouse followed by Mozzie who was pushing along a moving cart. Neal concentrated on a dozen or so of the boxes that he’d noticed had been opened and re-sealed. He had a feeling they didn’t contain what the label claimed they did and he hoped that some of the drug components were hidden there – otherwise, he and Mozzie were on the fast track to being arrested for stealing medical supplies that would be no use to the FBI in making their case – and he’d have Peter and Hughes to answer to. 

Within ten minutes, Mozzie was driving away towards the Federal Building and Neal snuck away to call Peter. 

WCWCWC

‘I knew it!’ Neal exclaimed as Peter and Jones finished emptying the contents of the boxes Neal had brought over.

‘Good job, Neal’ Peter said as he examined a small container of a drug called benzolate. It was one of the three components Smirle claimed was not available and this was damning proof that the drug shortage was a scam and that Smirle Pharmaceuticals was in on it.

‘So, what now?’ Neal asked, anxious to get those drugs back in circulation.

‘Jones’ said Peter, triumphantly. ‘Let’s get a search warrant for that warehouse.’

WCWCWC

Tuesday came around once more and Sara prepared for her second to last trip to the chemo ward. Neal would be joining her after lunch; Peter and Diana were paying Dwyer a visit and Neal wanted a front row seat when they finally brought the CEO in for questioning. 

On her last trip, she had chatted briefly with the pretty young woman she had met several weeks before. Her name was Angela and she was in her late twenties, engaged to be married to the attractive man who had accompanied her the first time Sara had seen her at the hospital. Angela had been understandably nervous on her first day and she had reminded Sara of herself – young, with her whole life ahead of her, cheated by destiny. 

Sara walked in and said a friendly hello to the three other women who were in the room; she didn’t know any of them by name yet but she felt that, as the veteran, it was her responsibility to show everybody the ropes. She spotted Angela sitting in one of the chairs by the window already hooked up to her IV, eyes red. 

‘Angela? What’s wrong?’ she asked as she took the seat next to her. 

‘It’s Aaron... he’s left me’ Angela responded as she wiped a tear.

‘He’s left you?’ Sara asked, incredulous. How does the man you’re about to marry bail on you just because things get a little rough, she wondered.

‘He says this isn’t what he signed up for’ Angela added, sniffling.

Sara’s instinct was to come back with some snarky derogative comment but, in light of the young woman’s present state, she dialled it down to concern.

‘I’m so sorry. Are you here alone today?’ Sara said, taking her hand.

‘My mom’s flying in from Chicago but she doesn’t get here until tomorrow’ the young woman explained. ‘She’s going to stay with me until my treatments are over.’

Sara studied the young woman who couldn’t be older than 25; life sucked and nobody deserved to have to face such a cruel fate on their own, especially so young.

‘I can sit with you today if you like – we can do this together, okay?’ said Sara compassionately as she looked into the young woman’s eyes. 

Angela smiled through her tears and nodded, grateful for the company.

Sara settled in for her second to last treatment; she couldn’t wait to have all this behind her although she was aware that she’d met some wonderful people throughout her journey not the least of which was Janet – who was still MIA.

Within the hour, Jill arrived for what was to be her very last treatment. As happy as Sara was for her friend, she was also envious – looking forward to the moment she would finally leave this nasty ritual behind.

‘Hi ladies!’ Jill cooed happily. ‘I felt like celebrating so I brought cake for everyone’ she added as she put down the cake tin on the side table. 

Sara stood, pulling her IV pole along and walking over to hug her friend. ‘I’m so happy for you, Jill’ she said with a sad smile. ‘... but I can’t wait for it to be my turn.’ 

Jill nodded in understanding; she’d felt the same way as she’d said goodbye to Grace and Clara. 

Sara had developed a friendship with all the women throughout her ordeal but Jill had been special. She had come alone to all her treatments and with time, she had confided that her husband had been distant since her diagnosis and that he couldn’t deal with coming to the hospital. Sara had spent many hours chatting with Jill, listening to this terrific woman share details of her life. The woman had been looking forward to resuming her life, she hoped to be well enough to return to her kindergartners after the Christmas break. Her own children were older; only one of her teenagers remained at home – and she had pretty well faced this whole thing alone. Sara marvelled at how all the women pulled together to help each other though the rough times. Although most of them had support systems at home, there was nothing like confiding in someone who was going through the same thing you were experiencing. 

Neal showed up around noon and immediately spotted his wife by the window. He had only briefly met the young woman Sara was sitting with and he walked up quietly, not wanting to interrupt what looked like a serious discussion.

‘Hi’ he said, smiling at Sara and bending over to kiss the top of her head. ‘Sorry I’m so late – just wrapping up the case...’

‘That’s okay, I didn’t realize it was lunchtime already’ said Sara. ‘Neal, do you remember Angela from last time?’ she asked. ‘This is my husband, Neal.’

‘Hi’ said Neal, putting out a hand to greet her. ‘You ladies must be starving. How about I go down and get you something to eat?’

Sara nodded and smiled appreciatively at Neal; despite the hardship of the last few months, he hadn’t wavered once in his support of her and she realized just how lucky she was to have him by her side. 

She owed it to the other women to pay it forward.

WCWCWC

After the initial, painful few days following treatment, Sara began to get excited. Christmas was just around the corner and she just needed to hang on for one more cycle and she could leave all this behind her for good. Snow had come and stayed and with the overwhelming publicity around the holiday season, Hope had begun to understand that there was something magical about this time of year and this jolly old man with the beard that everyone called Santa. 

Sara spent time online purchasing Christmas gifts and she sent Neal on errands when she didn’t feel up to going out herself. 

She hadn’t seen Janet for a few weeks but had been in constant touch with her by phone and she knew that, despite the fact that the shortage of drugs had ended, Janet had decided not to go through with the last few chemo treatments. Sara feared the worst for her friend and on the last week before her final chemo, she suggested to Neal that they have Janet and Harold over for dinner.

Neal had been busy most of the day preparing a meal fit for royalty – although Harold had warned him that Janet didn’t have much of an appetite. Maybe he could tantalize her with some of her favourites; Harold had told Neal that Janet loved pork loin and chocolate cake and Neal had crafted the menu to include her favourites. 

The table was set in the dining room – which was only used on special occasions – and their best dishes and linen were set for their special visitors. Janet and Harold arrived at five, as arranged, and the moment she stepped into the house, Sara could see how much her friend’s health had deteriorated over the past few weeks. She’d lost even more weight since the last time Sara had seen her and although Janet still had that twinkle in her eye, something had died in her as evidenced by her lack of energy and the look of resignation on her face. The foursome sat and had a drink and Janet told a couple of jokes, keeping up the pretence, but as the evening wore on, the mood began to turn serious.

‘Why don’t you ladies go sit with Hope in the living room and let Harold and I do the clean up’ Neal suggested as the last of the cake disappeared off everyone’s plates – including Janet’s.

‘Great idea, Neal’ said Harold as he stood and grabbed his plate as well as his wife’s.

The men moved to the kitchen and had begun to work together in quiet harmony – with Harold rinsing and Neal putting the dishes in the dishwasher when Neal finally spoke up.

‘How are you coping with everything?’ he asked as he placed one of the pots in the drying rack.

‘What can I say?’ replied Harold. ‘It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. We both know the end is coming and part of me wants to hold on while the other part wants to let her go in peace without any undue suffering.’

Neal swallowed hard as he took in Harold’s words. He couldn’t help but admire how coherent and clear-thinking Harold was and he looked up and smiled at the man with concern and empathy. He had no idea what to say in response to such a confession. He briefly tried to imagine how he might feel knowing Sara was slipping away and he wondered how one managed to get to a peaceful place while that was happening.

‘Janet and I have no regrets’ continued Harold. ‘That helps a lot. We’ve done everything we’ve wanted. The kids are raised, we now have our little grandson and sure.... we would love more of the same, but that’s not for us to decide and we’re both at peace with it. I just want the last little while to be serene and peaceful for Janet, that’s all...’ His voice trailed off as emotion overcame him.

Neal stopped what he was doing, turning to face the older man. 

‘I’m so sorry you have to go through all this’ Neal said soberly, noticing his voice quivering as he spoke. ‘You’ve both touched our lives in an amazing way.’ 

After a moment, Neal spoke again, sharing something that had been on his mind for a while. ‘Do you remember that night we talked at the support group?’

Harold nodded.

‘I always suspected you talked to Janet about how I was feeling and that she had something to do with Sara opening up to me... and I want you to know, I’ll always be grateful for that.’

Harold shrugged, non committal, although Neal knew he’d hit the nail on the head. 

The sound of Hope giggling from the living room resonated in the house, breaking the somber mood.

Harold smiled in response. ‘What do you say we go join our wives?’

TBC


	29. Chapter 29

The first week of December was upon them. 

The last six months of their lives had been highjacked and yet, they had somehow managed to survive.Sara thought of the old adage ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. It certainly seemed to apply in this situation. She was still feeling combative and strong despite being knocked down repeatedly by the events of the last few months. Her relationship with Neal had been sorely tested and somehow, it had thrived as he’d showed her, with each and every passing day, just how deep his commitment was to her and to their marriage. Hope's presence, her zest for life and her innocence had kept Sara from becoming maudlin on so many occasions, especially now that Christmas was around the corner and she could see the excitement of the season reflected in her daughter's eyes.

On the Saturday morning before her last treatment, she lay in bed with Neal as they planned their weekend. This was _the_ weekend to finish all their Christmas preparations. Sara would be back at the hospital in a couple of days, followed by her usual week in no man’s land and by the time she came out of her fog, it would be mere days until the big day. They had promised Hope to take her to the Christmas parade and, having finished decorating the outside of their house, Neal had turned his attention to getting a tree and setting it up in the living room, at the front of the house for all passersby to admire. 

The sound of tiny feet against the hardwood floor was suddenly heard and within seconds, the quiet bliss of their marital bed was interrupted by the arrival of an excited little girl who threw herself on the bed and crawled up to position herself between her happy parents. 

'Santa! Santa!’ she shrieked repeatedly, the sound of her voice echoing through the house.

Neal laughed at her lack of restraint and pulled her up onto his stomach, bouncing her up and down in the air.

'Yes, yes!' he exclaimed, almost as excited as she was. 'Today’s the Santa parade! But you have to have your breakfast first and then you and me and Mommy are going to go buy the _best_ Christmas tree ever!' he added triumphantly.

‘ristmas tee!' she shrieked in response. Hope had been spotting trees all over town and Neal had recently put lights in the big fir tree outside the front door. She couldn't wait to have their very own tree in the house, of all places, something that made the child giggle.

'And tonight...' Sara added, as she paused for dramatic effect. 'Uncle Peter and Auntie Elizabeth are coming for dinner and they're going to help us decorate our tree.'

‘Let’s do it!’ Neal said as he jumped out of bed and caught an excited Hope as she threw herself fearlessly into his arms. 

Sara watched, the excitement contagious as a wide grin spread to her lips, thoughts of IV lines and aches in pains disappearing in a rush of joy and anticipation.

By 9:00, Hope was bundled up into her snowsuit, an extra pair of socks on her feet to keep them warm and toasty. She could barely move when she was all snuggled up that way and she walked with difficulty towards her mom, arms outstretched, as she almost toppled over.Sara hoped her energy would hold out for the day's activities; the unwavering fatigue was the only lingering symptom between treatments and sometimes, she didn’t see it coming as she crashed and burned at a moment’s notice. She watched as Neal brought out the large sleigh from the garage and put it in the back of the car; he knew Sara might 'run out of gas' at some point and he figured, this way he could pull both his daughter _and_ his wife if he needed to. 

They headed to the Christmas parade and Hope spotted Olivia and her parents in the crowd as the girls were hoisted up onto their dads’ shoulders to watch float after float make its way up the streets of White Plains. Santa’s arrival was eagerly anticipated by all the youngsters and by the time he made his appearance, the noise was deafening as the kids reacted to the jolly old man. Sara stood with Donna Mason, faces aglow as they watched their girls clap and shriek with joy. The families parted ways and the Caffreys headed into a nearby coffee shop for hot chocolate before moving on to the Christmas tree lot.

'How you doing Repo?’ Neal asked with just a hint of concern as he reached out for his wife’s hand.

'I am doing _great!_ ' she answered, her eyes full of life. 

She was drawing energy from watching Hope's reaction to all the excitement. Neal nodded, relieved – this was definitely one of those magic moments you wanted to bottle up and reflect upon for years to come. Suddenly, the pain and hardship of the last few months were forgotten as they took in the perfect moment. Hope sat, sipping her hot chocolate as she gazed out the window at the busy street - shoppers strolling by carrying packages, some pulling trees on sleighs, her face a mixture of wonder and excitement. Neal felt a lump in is throat; for all intents and purposes, this was their first Christmas as a family. Hope had been a mere nine months old the previous year and although they had decorated the apartment at June’s and celebrated the holiday, this year, they were in their own house and Hope could fully comprehend the magic of the season. 

Neal couldn’t remember the last happy Christmas he’d had – after his dad had been taken away, Christmas had been bittersweet in their house. His mom had been unable to rise to the occasion and for years, Neal could only dream of a family Christmas – like all the kids he knew from school.

‘You okay?’ Sara asked, seeing the faraway look in his eyes.

Neal sniffled and shook off the sad memory as he nodded, momentarily unable to speak. He squeezed Sara’s hand in response and she gave him a glorious smile - a harbinger of all the wonderful Christmases that lay ahead.

Choosing a tree turned out to be quite the feat – who knew Sara was partial to scotch pines while Neal was adamant that a blue spruce was the way to go? They finally settled on a Douglas Fir that Hope thought was the prettiest tree on the lot and Neal packed it up on top of the car as Sara held Hope in her arms and watched with delight. Despite her waning energy, Sara wasn’t ready to give in to the weariness and she fought it all the way, finally closing her eyes on the drive home. Neal got the two of them settled for a nap before returning to the task at hand – setting up the tree and bringing out the decorations he’d been secretly purchasing over the past few weeks.

He couldn’t fight the smile that appeared unbidden on his lips as he worked.

WCWCWC

Hope stood on the couch in the living room, staring out onto the street as she waited for her uncle Peter and aunt Elizabeth to arrive. They had promised to bring Satchmo along and Hope couldn’t wait to spend time with her four legged best friend.

‘Let me know if you see them coming!’ Neal called out from the kitchen as he busied himself with the last minute preparations for the meal. 

He made his way to the dining room, fussing with the place settings as he watched her standing there, eyes glued towards the street as the snow fell gently in the background. It was a beautiful image and Neal grabbed for the camera he always kept nearby to catch those wonderful moments he would eventually transform into gorgeous paintings.

‘Sara!’ he called up to his wife who was still upstairs getting ready. ‘It’s five thirty, they’ll be here any minute.’

‘Okay!’ he heard in the distance as Hope began jumping up and down.

‘Sach! Sach!’ she shrieked as she jumped off the couch and ran towards the front door with Neal following close behind.

‘Honey, they’re here!’ Neal called up the stairs as he opened the door to the Burkes, Satchmo practically bowling him over as he ran into the house, straight towards Hope.

‘Hey, everybody' Peter said as they made their way into the house, arms fully loaded with packages and boxes. 

Hope began to chase Satchmo to the back of the house as he let out a joyful bark which elicited a loud giggle on her part.

'Come on in’ Neal said as he took some boxes from Peter’s arms and set them down by the front door.

‘Here’ Elizabeth said, handing over a large bag. ‘I made some eggnog and some shortbread’ she said as Neal carried everything into the kitchen, returning to take their coats.

‘It’s starting to really come down out there, huh?’ Neal commented as he closed the door behind their guests.

‘That’s quite the job you did on those Christmas decorations!’ Peter teased.‘Did you buy out all the lights they had in stock at Home Depot?’

Neal laughed; growing up, he’d always wanted to have a well decorated house for the holidays. He had definitely gone overboard with lights along the eaves, on the large evergreen as well as a couple of tacky blowups of Santa and Frosty he’d picked up at the hardware store when Hope had gotten excited at the sight of them – definitely an impulse buy.

‘Come on in. Sara’s just getting ready’ he said as they heard a sound coming from up the stairs.

Neal’s face lit up as he caught sight of his wife looking a vision in a casual two piece silk outfit he’d never seen and to his surprise, wearing her short brown curly wig – the one she usually reserved just for him.

Sara smiled coyly as she noted his response and walked over to hug Elizabeth.

'I love it!' whispered Elizabeth, into her ear. 'Is that _the_ wig –'

'Shhhh' Sara admonished as Neal looked on, curious – it seemed the wig wasn't such a well kept secret after all!

They dined on tourtière, a French Canadian delicacy, that Neal had made from a recipe he found on the Internet and he served them a scrumptious crème caramel for dessert. They drank wine and laughed as Hope played with the ornaments nearby, making a pile of her favourites for putting on the tree later on.Neal couldn't keep his eyes off his wife. She always looked amazing but he’d begun to associate her curly wig with their extracurricular activities and whenever she wore it, it did _things_ to him, things he couldn’t quite control. He tried to focus on the conversation but found himself drawn to her constantly – he hoped his ogling wasn't too obvious to their guests.

After dinner, Sara and Elizabeth tidied up in the kitchen while the men began to unpack the tree decorations the Caffreys had bought and those brought over by the Burkes.

‘You’re taking an awful chance wearing that wig’ Elizabeth commented as they worked.

‘What do you mean?’ Sara asked naively – although she knew _exactly_ what El meant.

Elizabeth’s eyes widened at Sara’s mock innocence. ‘Are you kidding? Neal’s about as subtle as a freight train – like we haven’t noticed him undressing you with his eyes all through dinner’ she said as Sara grinned.

‘It’s just... a fun little thing, you know... to keep things... interesting’ Sara said with a knowing smile.

‘Well, I hope he doesn’t self-combust before we finish decorating the tree’ Elizabeth said with a wink.

Satchmo suddenly appeared, looking for random scraps of food and Hope followed on all fours, barking with her high pitched voice and following him around with abandon.

‘Hey you two! It’s time to trim the tree’ Elizabeth said as she leaned down to pick up her goddaughter.

‘Tree!’ Hope repeated with a giggle.

The rest of the evening was spent decorating the tree, to Hope's delight. Satchmo lay nearby watching the comings and goings as Hope placed one ornament after another on the bottom third of the tree, leaving the adults to place the more delicate ornaments on the top, away from Hope’s prying hands. 

‘Thanks for bringing over all this stuff’ Neal said as he examined a cute little bird feeder covered in fake snow. ‘Being our first year, we’re still building up our own ornament collection.’

'Well, after almost fifteen years of marriage, we have _way_ too much stuff’ said Elizabeth. ‘We thought you guys might enjoy some of these decorations. I remember the first few years, buying lots of stuff that was pretty but had no history. I love ornaments that are passed down from one person to another, they have meaning.'

‘I agree’ Sara said, her mind wandering to her childhood Christmases. There had been lots of special ornaments over the years but she’d left everything behind after her parents had passed away; sometimes, she regretted not having kept some of those special keepsakes.

Elizabeth seemed to notice the look in her eyes. ‘Just you wait a couple of years. You’ll have more stuff than you know what to do with.’

Sara’s smile returned at the thought of all the wonderful years that lay ahead and the magical memories she and Neal would be making. She glanced over at him and noticed he was staring again; she walked over, rubbing up against his leg as she reached up to place a decoration on the tree.

'I know exactly what you're doing you little tease' he whispered seductively as she got closer.

Sara looked at him wide eyed and innocent.'I have no idea what you're talking about Caffrey' she whispered back as he glared at her.

'You just wait...’ he threatened as he leered and returned to help himself to another ornament. 

The evening ended with Hope sound asleep on the couch next to Satchmo while the adults sipped eggnog by the fireplace. Her head lay on Sara’s lap as Neal huddled next to her on what remained of the space on the couch, his hand running languidly up and down Sara’s arm while Peter and Elizabeth curled up on the love seat admiring their handiwork.

‘There’s something about Christmas lights’ Elizabeth said as her eyes wandered to the star on the top of the tree. ‘It just makes everything bright and hopeful.’

‘This is my first real tree’ Neal admitted, out of the blue, his voice quiet as Sara’s eyes met his.

She knew Neal hadn’t had much of a happy childhood growing up; she brought her hand to his leg and squeezed lovingly as he looked at her, a sad smile on his face.

Peter had grown up with a big tree every year, usually cut down with his dad and his brother out on some lot in northern New York State. He couldn’t imagine what Neal’s life had been like in WitSec with a mom who had checked out and a dad in prison. His heart went out to him; he was always so hard on his ex CI, often forgetting the life he’d left behind and the obstacles he’d overcome to get to where he was.

Neal continued. ‘Last year, we got that artificial tree at June’s and before that... I don’t know... maybe before my dad left but I... I really don’t remember.’

Elizabeth smiled sadly. ‘Well, now you can have a tree every year and Hope will grow with having the most wonderful memories.’

Neal nodded, shaking off the sadness; he planned to make up for the dearth of Christmas spirit from his past life by doing it up big for the next fifty years.

By ten o'clock, he got up and carried a sleeping Hope up to bed and by the time he returned, Peter and Elizabeth were getting ready to head back to Brooklyn.

'Thanks, guys – for everything' Sara was saying as she handed them their coats. Everyone exchanged hugs as the Burkes headed out to their car, Neal and Sara huddled in the doorway, seeing them off.

The snow was still falling gently and the coloured lights from the house cast a magical glow out onto the street as Neal stood behind Sara, his arms snaking up around her waist.

'You _know_ what that thing does to me' he whispered in her ear as Sara watched Peter and Elizabeth step into their car. 

'Neal! Control yourself!' she muttered as Neal's body pressed up insistently against hers.His hand snuck around to make its way under her top and up to her breasts as Sara tried to keep a straight face. She waved to the Burkes as they started down the street and, closing the door behind her, she turned to face her husband.

'Neal!' she said, trying to get his attention by holding his face in her hands but his eyes – and mouth – were roaming, beginning a slow exploration of her neck and the back of her ear.

His breathing began to quicken instantly, as he finally gave into the urges he’d been fighting for the past several hours.'I could hardly keep my hands off you all night' he moaned, desperation obvious in his voice.

Sara gave a self satisfied smile – it was great to have this effect on the man she loved, especially after all the doubts she’d had over the past little while. Neal began manoeuvring her towards the living room, groping all the way.

'You want to do this _here_?' whispered Sara, trying to get a look at his dark, brooding eyes.

‘Uh huh’ Neal managed to moan as he began to eagerly tug at her clothes. He got down on his knees and drew her down to the floor with him, right in front of the tree, its glowing lights the only illumination in the room. She gave in without a fight, kissing him deeply and helping him out of his clothes as he squirmed to help her in her quest to get him naked.

'I love you _so_ much... do you know _how_ much' he moaned as he continued to make his way down her body, hungrily kissing and nipping as he went along. He stopped for a moment to stare into her eyes, sparkling from the bright lights and savouring the look of arousal and abandon he saw there as she urged him on.

‘Neal...’ she moaned as she pulled him back in, delighting in the sound of his voice, the feel of his hands and mouth on her body. The look of pure adulation in his eyes was irresistible and she felt a rush of longing and desire for this man who’d stood by her through thick and thin, never faltering for a moment.

They began the slow dance that inevitably led to their bodies coming together, enjoying the warmth of the nearby fire and the glow of the Christmas lights. They held on tight as the intensity increased, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed against each other, totally abandoning themselves to one another.

After all these months of pain and disease, she was so grateful for him, for his love, his devotion, his commitment and she eagerly gave in to the overwhelming sensations as he took her to that place, that very special place that was just for them.

TBC


	30. Chapter 30

Sara sat at the kitchen table and poured some milk into Hope’s bowl of Cheerios. Hope stared back, still half-asleep, and picked up her spoon lazily. Sara glanced up at the calendar that was posted on the refrigerator and stared at the December date that was circled emphatically in red – in most households, it might have been the date for the office Christmas party or the last day to order something online for it to arrive in time for the 25th but in this home, it was the long awaited date of Sara’s last chemotherapy treatment.

Neal walked in, intruding on her thoughts.

‘Hey’ he said as he bustled in. ‘Did you make coffee?’

Sara pointed lazily to the coffee maker on the kitchen counter.

‘Great, thanks’ he said as he walked over to grab a mug. 

Sara looked up at him and took a sip from her own cup. 

‘I can’t believe it’ she said. ‘When I circled that date on the calendar, it felt like today would never come.’

Neal nodded as he made his way over and placed a kiss on the top of her head. ‘I know! You’ve made it!’

‘Well... not quite’ she corrected. ‘I still have to make it through the next few days before we can declare victory.’ 

She thought ahead to what the next few days would be like – it didn’t take a crystal ball...

Neal smiled sympathetically as he rubbed her shoulders. ‘Don’t give up babe... we’re so close to the finish line.’

Sara returned her attention back to Hope. ‘You ready to go play with Olivia?’ she asked as Hope seemed to brighten up.

‘Ivia’ she repeated.

‘Yup, you get to play with Olivia and Mommy’s going to go to the hospital one last time’ said Sara, caressing her daughter’s dark curls and looking into her deep blue eyes – a mirror of Neal’s own baby blues. 

‘Hope ‘pital?’ asked the toddler as she put her arms out to be helped away from the table.

‘Sorry, sweet pea’ said Neal as he put her down on the floor. ‘Mommy’s hospital is no place for little girls.’ 

WCWCWC

Sara was greeted to an enthusiastic round of applause from the staff as she arrived on the unit – a ritual reserved for patients on their last day of treatment. Her face lit up as she looked around at all the wonderful nurses who had helped her through her ordeal – they were indeed in a class of their own.

Neal placed the two dozen donuts they’d picked up for everyone at the nurses’ station to the hoots and hollers of everyone.

‘You better have some Boston creams in there’ said Joanne as she began to rummage through the first box.

The group of patients receiving chemo on this day was totally different from the group of women Sara had met on her very first day. It struck her that the cycle never ended and that, as one family finished the wretched ritual, another one began – with no end in sight. Now, she was the old timer and she’d noticed the last couple of times that the new women would turn to her for advice about how to cope with their symptoms and share their fears for what lay ahead.

Sara Ellis had never considered herself much of a mentor but she had to admit, she was growing into the role naturally; she was feeling the need to pay in forward and help the newcomers to the chemo ward cope with the horrible and unwelcome things that were happening to their bodies.

She headed for the chair by the window that everyone knew was ‘Sara’s chair’ and Neal settled in beside her as Joanne began the ritual of setting her up for the day. The Benadryl drip was started and Neal leaned in to softly kiss her lips as her eyes drifted shut.

‘Sweet dreams’ he murmured as she watched him grab for the newspaper he’d brought and open it onto his lap.

Her last thought as she drifted off was what a strange sight this was; she was sitting in hospital room being pumped full of poison while Neal calmly read the paper – when had this become so commonplace for them? 

She dreamt of sounds, happy sounds, the sound of Hope’s giggling and Neal’s laughter, the sound of Christmas bells and soft singing. When she next opened her eyes, Neal was looking down at her with an amused look on his face.

‘You were humming’ he said with a chuckle.

‘Really?’ Sara said, getting her bearings.

‘Some Christmas song... I think’ he added, warily. Sara couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket and they both knew it. ‘Or maybe the Battle Hymn of the Republic, I’m not sure...’ he added as she laughed heartily. 

He really had been her saviour and she couldn’t imagine having gone through the last few months without him by her side, keeping things together at home, holding her hand, being there for Hope. This whole adventure had been painfully difficult on so many levels – physically, it had been brutal, emotionally it had been scary and the whole experience had shaken them both to the core. But, they’d done it, together, and now, it seemed they were even stronger than they’d been before they’d started on this extraordinary journey.

WCWCWC

The next few days were identical to what they’d been the five previous times, down to the hour. On Thursday, Hope spent the day at the Burkes. She didn’t understand why Sara could barely move without being in agony and it was easier for Neal to devote his full attention to Sara who needed help to come and go to the bathroom. As much as she’d pushed him away at first, his presence next to her on the bed was now a comfort and a relief.

Friday had a bit of a festive feel, this time. Sara wanted her family nearby and Mozzie, who often came over on throw-up Fridays, brought along his special water concoction. Elizabeth popped in and Sara sat with the two of them in the living room, chatting, sometimes dozing off on Mozzie’s shoulder and making her regular trips to the bathroom. Neal and Hope were up in the studio, painting and every now and then, Sara would hear one or the other laugh or giggle, bringing a smile to her parched lips.

By the following week, Sara was in total ‘party mode’. Knowing that the worse was behind her, she began to feel energized and alive and she had Neal jumping through hoops getting the Christmas party ready. She had invited all of the original six women from chemo and even the new ladies she had met more recently and she’d included their friends, Peter, Elizabeth, June, Mozzie, Diana and Christie and Jones. She wanted this to be a celebration of life over hardship and she wanted to share that message with all those she cared about. 

Janet had called with her regrets the previous day which had been no real surprise; her health had continued to deteriorate and it was becoming doubtful she’d make it to the New Year. Sara had made arrangements for her and Neal to come by and visit the following week and on their last visit, just a few days before, Janet had handed Sara a letter to read to the chemo ladies on her behalf.

The day of the party, Neal was busy in the kitchen finishing up some shrimp hors d’oeuvres when he heard the front door open.

‘Is that you, Repo?’ he called out from the back of the house.

‘Got the wine!’ she responded as she made her way into the kitchen carrying a large box.

‘Hey, hey, let me get that!’ Neal said, rushing to her aid. ‘What are you doing pushing yourself like that, you want to be awake for the party, don’t you’ he said, scolding her. 

She rolled her eyes. Truth was, she felt fantastic but she also knew that she could crash at any given moment so she gave in, letting herself fall on a chair at the kitchen table and sticking her finger into the salmon dip that was sitting there.

‘Hey! Hands off!’ Neal shouted with mock annoyance.

‘There’s another one of those boxes in the car’ said Sara as she began to examine all the food Neal had been busy preparing. 

‘Caffrey, you’ve really outdone yourself here. It’s not a meal you know – just appetizers and cocktails.’

‘I know...’ he answered, shrugging. ‘But this party is a big deal and I want to do it up right.’ 

She waited for him to turn his back and head out of the kitchen on his way to the car before she made a move for one of the fancy canapés that sat on the table. 

‘And stay out of the food!’ she heard him call out from the front door.

Suddenly Hope was at her side, having just run in from the family room. She looked up at her mom, eyes droopy and placed her head on her mom’s lap, a sure sign she was ready for a nap. 

‘Come on, sweetie, let’s put you down for a little nap’ said Sara as she took her hand. She crossed paths with Neal returning with the wine and he nodded approvingly as he saw Hope rubbing her eyes.

‘I’ll be right back’ said Sara as she headed up the stairs with Hope in her arms.

Neal returned to the business at hand, putting the wine on to chill and assembling the ingredients for the preparation of the mini quiches he’d promised to make. 

‘Sara! Did you get the asparagus I asked for?’ he called up the stairs, as loudly as he dared without waking Hope.

Silence. 

‘Sara?’

He made his was upstairs quietly, suspicious of what he might find there, and sure enough as he rounded the corner to their bedroom he saw Hope curled up in Sara’s arms as they both snoozed contentedly. Shaking off the initial urge to join them, he returned to the task at hand; Sara deserved a magnificent evening and he was going to make sure that’s exactly what she got. 

WCWCWC

Sara sat at the makeup table in her bedroom, Hope on her lap as she put the finishing touches on the toddler’s hair. 

‘Pretty’ Hope said, as she glanced at her reflection in the mirror, admiring the dress that Sara had bought her for the occasion. 

Sara nodded in agreement ‘You look beautiful! Now go see Daddy downstairs and don’t forget to go down on you bum’ she admonished before calling down to her husband. 

‘Hope’s on her way down!’ 

She could hear Neal’s footsteps and his words as Hope came into his peripheral field of vision. ‘Wow! You look so pretty!’ 

Once on her own, Sara stared at herself in the mirror as she applied some makeup to her lips and eyes. It wasn’t an easy task to create ‘smoky eyes’ when you didn’t have any eyelashes or eyebrows but she did the best she could, finally gazing with satisfaction at her reflection in the mirror. She placed her wig on her head and combed through it, as anxious as she was to burn the damn thing, she was thankful for the semblance of normalcy it provided.

She could hear Elizabeth and Neal downstairs, fussing, putting the finishing touches on the decorations and the food and arguing about the placement of dishes on the dining room table. She smiled as she went to the closet and pulled out the gorgeous dress Neal had bought her for the occasion. It was a long, flowing dress with just the right snugness in all the right places, deep red, perfect for the season. She took one last look in the mirror, adjusting her wig and stepped out to meet her guests, making sure to grab the envelope Janet had given her. 

Before long, the party was in full swing and the house on Meadowbrook Street had never felt more alive. The guests appeared to all be having a good time and Hope wandered from one person to the next, delighting everyone with her cleverness and charm – a true Caffrey. 

Grace had come with her nephew, Kevin and, as it turned out, he had taken a photography class with Clinton and the two of them were deep in conversation in one corner of the living room. Jill came alone, as usual, but seemed to revel in being surrounded by her ‘chemo’ friends; Grace was chatting with Diana and Christie about some website she’d discovered and June sat quietly with Mozzie sharing martinis as they watched the revellers enjoying themselves. 

Clara and Gino arrived with a huge container of cannoli for the guests and a dozen containers of spaghetti sauce for Neal and Sara to freeze and use at a later date. Gino had warmed up to Neal and was busy exchanging recipes for Ossobucco with him in the kitchen. Angela arrived with her mother, whom Sara had met at chemo. She seemed to be getting back on track, recovering from her ex’s betrayal and determined to get through her ordeal and back to her life.

Despite her physical absence, Janet’s presence was palpable. Sara knew that the possibility of her coming to the party had been a long shot. Her health had been steadily declining and the last time Sara had seen her – just two days before – she had barely recognized her friend. She had gone over with Neal and while the men were busy chatting in Harold’s ‘man cave’, Sara and Janet had had a nice long chat in the living room. Despite her body being all but defeated, her spirit remained strong and Sara had been amazed at the strength and grace Janet displayed as the end of her life loomed. She had become a role model of sorts for Sara and for so many of the other women she had crossed paths with and Sara had done her best to remain upbeat as she’d chatted quietly with her friend. Only once the car door was closed and she and Neal were safely on their way home did she allow herself a moment of sadness, weeping as Neal kept a hand on hers. 

Despite her efforts to stay awake, Hope had fallen asleep in her uncle Peter’s arms and everyone assembled in the living room for a toast, at Neal’s request. 

‘Could I get everyone’s attention, please’ he said as the group began to quiet down. ‘The past few months have been life-changing for many of you in this room tonight. For Sara, Hope and I, this experience has taught us so many important lessons. It has taught us that friends come in all shapes and sizes and that we never know who will be put on our life’s path. It has taught us that we need to accept the help and support of those who love us, that beauty is so much more than skin deep and it has taught us that pain and suffering can lead to healing – not always physical healing but spiritual and emotional healing. When Sara embarked on this adventure six months ago, we were both terrified. Our perfect little world had come apart – or so we thought. We didn’t know that this path we were embarking on would bring us so much – sure there was pain, anger and disappointment but there was also friendship, strength and love. So tonight, I want to salute the wonderful, strong women I have had the honour of meeting over the past few months. Your life-affirming courage is an inspiration to us all.’ 

Neal raised his glass and everyone followed suit. Sara got up, kissed her husband and stood next to him, her legs unsteady as she prepared to share Janet’s letter with everyone assembled.

‘I know that we are all painfully aware of Janet’s absence tonight but I can assure you that she is with us in spirit. I saw Janet two days ago. As you know, she’s very ill and she couldn’t be here with us. Knowing that you would all be here tonight, she asked if I would read a letter she prepared for all of you.’ 

Sara took the envelope out of her pocket and opened it slowly; she could feel Neal standing next to her and she leaned into him slightly, feeling his strength as she began to read.

‘Hi ladies, Jill, Grace, Clara and Sara, I miss you all so much. I know that sounds strange considering the only time we ever got together was in a chemo treatment room but you all know that what we went through together was so much more. We talk about cancer as an enemy – we say ‘she succumbed to cancer’ or ‘she died after a valiant fight’ and we glorify survivors. But I want you to know that it’s more about living fully each minute of every day. I have no regrets. None. I’ve had a great life full of wonderful adventures and sure, like everyone else, I want more – but I also believe in fate, the same fate that brought you all into my life…‘

Sara’s voice faltered and Neal put an arm around his wife to steady her. She looked over at him and he saw her eyes, full of tears. Seeing that she was incapable of continuing, he gently took the letter from Sara’s hand and continued.

‘…the same fate that brought you all into my life. How can I fault fate when it doesn’t do exactly what I would like it to do? Life always knows best even when it is time to let go. Thank you for accompanying me on my journey and allowing me to share such an intimate experience with you. I love you all. Janet.’

The room grew quiet as everyone took in Janet’s words. Once again, without even being in the room, she had found a way to bring them all together, to put into words what they were all feeling.

WCWCWC

The evening drew to a close and everyone went their separate ways, promising to keep in touch. Once calm had returned, Sara and Neal curled up on the couch as they gazed up silently at the brightly lit Christmas tree. It was well past midnight and the quiet was welcome after all the revelry. Sara sat with her head on Neal’s shoulder, totally exhausted yet energized by the company of friends and family.

‘Thank you’ she said softly as Neal hugged her. ‘That was... really, really nice.’

Neal nodded, happy to have pulled off a magical evening for Sara and the other wonderful women they now called friends. 

‘Your speech was beautiful...’ she said, her voice trailing.

‘Well... it was spontaneous. The women we’ve met... they’re all amazing’ he said, his voice quiet.

They looked over at Hope who lay on the love seat nearby, sound asleep under the glow of the Christmas lights.

‘Do you think she’s going to be all right?’ Sara asked, her voice faltering.

‘Oh, honey.... she’s going to be just fine. Do you realize what an amazing gift you’ve given her through all this?’ Neal said as he gazed at his wife, wiping a tear from her cheek. ‘You’ve taught her to keep fighting and to never give up. That’s priceless.’

The moment was interrupted by the phone ringing, never a good sign at such a late hour. Neal reached out to pick it up, apprehending the worst.

‘Hello’ he said softly, frowning as he looked at Sara. ‘Harold…’

TBC


	31. Chapter 31

It was a week before Christmas. The air was crisp and clean, snow gently falling as Neal drove into the busy parking lot. He stepped out of the car and made his way to the other side to collect Sara, taking her arm in his as they began the solemn walk towards the steps of St. Mary Margaret Church.

The front of the church was decorated with a festive Nativity scene, complete with baby Jesus, assorted shepherds and a bright star - a display which was in stark contrast to the reason they were at the church that day.

Sara and Neal arrived on the steps of the church just as Kevin was dropping Grace off by the curb. The two women hugged and proceeded to enter the building arm in arm, with Neal following close behind. They spotted Jill, Clara and Gino near the front and slipped into the pew next to them. Up the aisle came Ashley, the young girl who had never uttered a word during their visits to the hospital. She hesitated for a moment and Sara signalled for her to come sit with them, welcoming her to the group and putting an arm around the sobbing young woman. The five surviving women huddled together, arms wrapped around each other as Neal, Kevin and Gino looked on, touched by the emotional scene.

The church was packed. Janet had made many friends throughout her fifty-three years of life.She had worked as a secretary in a primary school for many years until she’d fallen ill and there appeared to be a large contingent from her school, adults and children alike, who sat together looking sombre.

Janet had confided in Sara that she loved to curl. She and Harold had been regulars at their local curling club ever since they’d first met there almost thirty years earlier. It was something they did just for themselves when the kids were little and they’d continued up until recently when their health issues had caught up with them. Sara suspected that many in attendance were friends and teammates from Janet’s curling club.

Janet had also mentioned, during one of those long days hooked up to an IV, that she did volunteer work at the Men’s Mission every Sunday, serving meals to men who had fallen on hard times. She believed that everyone was just a couple of pay checks away from being on the street and, true to herself, Janet had walked the walk and not just talked the talk. Sara spotted a group of older men towards the back of the church. She suspected they were friends of Janet’s from the Mission. 

Sara looked around and noticed many of the staff from Sloan Kettering sitting by the side of the church. She nodded as she spotted Joanne and Heather and the other nurses who worked in the chemo ward. Behind them, sat Colleen and her husband who waved to Sara from her pew.

It was obvious that Janet had touched many lives throughout her years; even in illness, she had brought laughter and joy to all those around her.

Janet’s wicked sense of humour was on full display with her choice of music for the ceremony.As the casket was wheeled in, those in attendance were treated to the classic _‘Stairway to Heaven’_ by Led Zeppelin playing in the background. Janet had been a child of the seventies and she had loved her rock music back then. A smile crossed Neal’s lips as he recognized the song, the anthem of a generation.

Harold and the children followed behind the casket and sat in the first row just in front of the women. Neal leaned forward and grazed Harold’s shoulder in solidarity and the man turned, looking sadly at Neal. 

The moment came for Janet’s daughter, Beth, to go up and eulogize her mom. She turned tentatively and Sara spontaneously put out her arms to take baby Colton from her. He was a happy three-month-old baby whom Sara had met twice on her visits to Janet’s house. He let himself be taken from his mother’s arms as she made her way to the altar to deliver the eulogy. Colton looked curiously from Sara to Neal and gurgled, in that way babies did when all their basic physical needs have been met and all they want is someone to smile at them. 

Beth spoke of her mother’s courage and unwavering faith and how she had managed to keep the family together throughout her ordeal. She spoke about her strength of character, her ability to see the good in people and her steadfast need to be of service to others in any way she possibly could. Sniffling and nose blowing could be heard throughout the church as Beth’s words resonated with all in attendance.

Finally, came the moment when the pastor asked if any of those assembled wanted to bear witness to Janet’s passing. Sara looked over nervously at Neal; she hadn’t planned on it but she was suddenly compelled to share her memories of her dear friend. Neal nodded in encouragement and Sara got up and slowly made her way up to the microphone.

She looked back at the women whose side she’d just left, knowing that she was speaking for all of them, echoing their appreciation for the woman who had brought joy into their lives when they were at their lowest point. She took a deep breath, hoping for some inspiration as she began to speak.

‘I didn’t know Janet for very long. I met her about four months ago when I went in for my first chemo treatment. She greeted me in her own inimitable way with a comment like _‘Hey, a new recruit!’_ or something like that... I was so scared. I didn’t know what I was doing there, I felt like I didn’t belong. Here I was with my great haircut, my four inch heels and my designer jeans walking in with my handsome husband and I felt like turning to him and saying _‘Honey, I think we’re in the wrong place, can we please go home?’_

The crowd chuckled and she looked over at Neal who just nodded in encouragement. 

‘But Janet... she knew... she knew even then that I would develop a friendship with all these wonderful, strong women who were in the room with us that day. Janet… she was a class act. She came across as abrasive and bawdy but boy, she really knew the score. She knew about support and caring and watching out for one another.’

Sara paused, hoping she was making sense; although driven by emotion, she was managing to keep it together, her voice strong through the many emotions coursing through her body.

‘After my second treatment, I was sitting at home on a particularly rough day feeling sorry for myself. I had sent my husband and daughter away...which in my mind had been the _right_ thing to do. Janet showed up – well actually she barged in, uninvited – and she started to read me the riot act. She started telling me about how important it is for family and friends of cancer patients to be able to do something, _anything_ , to support their loved ones and that by not letting them in, we were depriving them of something very important. She shared that this had been the most important lesson she had learned the first time around. She also set me straight about how my illness would affect my little girl.’

Sara paused as she looked down at Beth and smiled. ‘You see, I thought I needed to shelter her, protect her but Janet... Janet helped me see that I had a unique opportunity to show my daughter that we can rise above adversity and be strong no matter what life throws at us. So I began to speak more openly with my little girl, telling her that mommy was sick but that doctors were helping me get better. Janet was right – of course – and I’m here to pass the message along. Don’t deprive those you love of the opportunity to stand by you because that is what they want and need to do.’

Sara took a deep breath, noticing the deafening silence and watching as everyone wiped their eyes.

‘Janet has touched _all_ our lives in different and unique ways and I for one, will never forget her.’ 

Neal sat in the pew, behind Harold, hand on his shoulder, as tears flowed down his cheeks.He was so proud of his wife; once again, she’d shown how very strong and resilient she truly was.

As the mourners left the church, they could hear the lyrics of _‘That’s what friends are for’_ playing in the background. It seemed a fitting send off for a woman who had been a friend to so many.

WCWCWC

Christmas morning dawned cold and bright with freshly fallen snow glistening on the front lawns and in the backyard. Sara and Neal were slumbering, curled up in a little ball under their feather duvet when they heard a loud shriek of joy just as Hope barrelled into their bedroom as fast as her little legs could carry her.

‘Christmas!’ she shrieked.

Sara laughed as she went from deep sleep to full consciousness in two seconds flat. Neal, on the other hand, looked up, slightly confused. 

‘Yes, it’s Christmas!’ said Sara, welcoming Hope in their bed for a brief hug.

‘Santa!’ she screamed at the top of her lungs just to make sure Neal was really awake.

Sara looked over at sleepy Neal. ‘C’mon Dad, can’t keep your daughter waiting.’

The trio made their way downstairs, Hope leading the way, as the tree came into view and she immediately made a beeline for the gifts tucked under its branches.

‘Whoa, whoa! Those aren’t _all_ for you, sweet pea’ Neal said. ‘There are some for Mommy and maybe even some for me’ he said, looking sideways at his wife. He moved to the kitchen to put on some coffee as Sara and Hope made their way and began looking at the tags on the various gifts.

‘No gifts until I get back!’ he warned.

By the time he returned with piping hot cups of Italian roast for himself and for Sara, Hope was sitting in front of a large, oddly shaped gift just waiting for the go-ahead to start unwrapping. She was delighted to discover a play kitchen complete with everything to follow along whenever Neal was working in the kitchen. She screamed with delight as she explored each of the toy utensils and pots and pans, running to her parents and back to the play kitchen, over and over again.

‘You have a gift for Mommy, don’t you’ Neal reminded her. 

‘Mama gift’ she repeated as she remembered the one that she had wrapped with her dad’s help just the day before.

‘Thank you sweetheart’ said Sara as she took the small gift wrapped box in her daughter’s hands. Her eyes looked questioningly in Neal’s direction, wondering what small treasure he’d come up with and she carefully unwrapped the gift as Hope waited patiently. 

‘Oh, Hope! This is beautiful!’ she said as she took in the sight of a beautiful silver pendant with the silhouette of a bird and its baby on a branch.

‘I love it! Thank you sweetheart’ she said, hugging her daughter. ‘Do you want to help Mommy put it on?’ 

Once the pendant was hanging from her neck, she turned to Hope once again. ‘Do you want to go get Daddy’s present now? I’ll help you.’

Hope ran to the family room where she and Sara had carefully hidden Neal’s present behind the couch. Hope returned lugging a large wrapped gift, struggling to bring it over to where Neal sat, eyes wide with anticipation. He looked up at Sara quizzically and proceeded to unwrap the treasure. It was a large frame in which Sara had placed a number of Hope’s works of art alongside a photograph of Hope holding a sign that said _‘I love you Daddy!’_

‘Oh my God, when did you have time to do this?’ he asked, truly touched. Hope just giggled at the thought of having managed to keep a secret from her daddy.

The gift exchange continued for a while until all that remained under the tree were the gifts destined for family and friends who would be arriving later for dinner – Uncle Mozzie, Auntie Elizabeth, Uncle Peter and Grandma June.

As Hope played nearby with all her new loot, Sara looked coyly over at Neal.

‘Merry Christmas, Caffrey’ she said as she produced a small, gift wrapped box. She studied his expression, watching his eyes widen in surprise as a smile crossed his lips.

‘I can’t believe you did this’ he said as he leafed though the gift certificates one by one.

‘I decided you’ve been cooped up her long enough’ she said. ‘Now you can visit any of themuseums, whenever you want. I got family passes in case you want to bring Hope along.’

The annual passes for the Guggenheim, the MoMA, the Metropolitan Museum and the Children’s Art Museum were the perfect gift for a man who had been deprived of viewing art in its natural habitat for the better part of ten years.

‘Honey, I love it’ Neal said, placing a grateful kiss on her lips. 'Thank you.’

‘And I have something for you’ he added as he stood and ran upstairs to collect her gift.

Sara waited with anticipation and within minutes Neal reappeared in the stairway with a wrapped gift in the shape of a frame. She loved it when Neal took the time to surprise her with one of his original pieces and she took a deep breath as she reached for the package from his outstretched arms. On top, she could see a gift certificate for a local spa – just what she needed after months of chemotherapy. Inside the wrapping, was a sketch of her, with her short brown wig smiling broadly – she looked amazing!

‘Oh my God! Is this what I look like? I had no idea...’ she said, laughing heartily.

Neal just looked at her, beaming. ‘I thought it would be fun to remember our wild night of infidelity.’ 

He leaned in, pressing a kiss to her lips just as Hope came running over.

‘Poppa kiss Mama’ she yelled as they pulled her in for a group hug.

WCWCWC

New Years Eve was less than three days away when Peter and Elizabeth called to invite the Caffreys to a gala evening that Burke Events was catering at the Westin. It had taken all of thirty seconds and a furtive glance between Neal and Sara for the couple to thank the Burkes for the offer but pass on the invitation. They’d had a hell of a year and they were looking forward to spending New Years Eve alone together, reflecting on the past twelve months and planning ahead to a much healthier New Year.

They curled up by the fire with Sinatra playing in the background and reminisced about the best and worst moments of the past year. They were both surprised to find that many of the best – and certainly some of the funniest – were related in some way to Sara’s illness. Having cancer had been scary and daunting but the experience had been life affirming and things were much clearer now. They had decided that once they got the green light from Dr. Franklin, they would start trying for another baby and they looked forward to Hope’s second birthday and many more wonderful adventures as a family. Sara was on cloud nine because on Boxing Day as she’d scrutinized herself in the mirror, she’d noticed an eyelash had grown in – life was returning to her body and she was ready to welcome this new life with open arms.

They sat in silence, with Sara’s head against Neal’s shoulder, just holding each other and staring into the fire.

‘Neal, I’ve been thinking’ she said, breaking the silence. ‘When I’m back on my feet, I’d really like to do some volunteer work at the treatment centre. Joanne was telling me they need women like me to help support and counsel others who are going through the same thing.’

Neal thought back to the support group he had attended and how it had helped him to know he wasn’t alone. ‘I think that’s a fantastic idea, baby’ he said quietly.

‘It’s been a real bumpy ride this year’ she added. ‘...and I couldn’t have gotten through it without you.’

‘Ah, but you could have… he responded, aware more than ever of Sara’s strength and determination.

‘Well...I wouldn’t have wanted to...’ she responded softly.

‘You don’t ever need to worry about that’ Neal whispered, his arms enveloping her.‘I’m not going anywhere.’

La fin


End file.
